After trying to remember which chairs we had been sitting in, I find Thorin's phone. Completely unharmed and untouched. I tap the screen, sure enough five missed calls and eleven unanswered text messages.
I walk down the hall following the arrows to the coffee shop. I buy two large coffees and make my way back to the elevators. After awkwardly trying to hit the button for the fourth floor, a middle-aged man in the elevator asks which floor I need and hits the 4 for me.
"Family member?" the man asks.
"Uh, yeah. Brother." I tell him. Is it really any of his business?
"I'm sorry. I know what that's like. I have three younger brothers myself, and they always seemed to be getting into trouble when we were growing up." He sounds sincere.
But, no, he probably doesn't know what it's like knowing your little brother has a tumor in his brain that could turn cancerous.
I don't tell him this though. I just awkwardly say, "Yeah, he's something else." And leave it at that.
"Well, I wish you the best. I'll say a prayer for him." He says as I exit the elevator on the fourth floor.
"Um, thanks." I say, briefly turning around.
Our parents had gone to church, but when they died and Thorin took us in, we never went to church again. I don't know if Thorin was angry at God or if he just wasn't religious, but we never went to church. I never really prayed, but I didn't have any negative thoughts against it. It just wasn't something I did. I guess that man in the elevator enjoyed praying. So, I appreciated it.
I reach the room and enter through the open door. "Coffee's here." I say.
"Thank you, lad." Balin takes his coffee.
"Hey, you're awake." I smile at Kili.
"We were just discussing what to do for the next few days. While you were out, Tauriel, the nurse, came by and said Kee would be here for a few more days. They have him scheduled for another CT scan on Tuesday. They'll decide what to do after that." Thorin informs me.
"So, what exactly were you discussing then? Who will stay with Kili?" I had already thought about that and decided I would be here as long as my brother needed me. If that meant not going back to school after my break ended, then so be it. This was more important.
"I was planning on taking the week off actually. Dori can take over my current case. It won't be a problem. I will stay here until Tuesday, and then bring Kili home with me."
"What if they don't send me home?" Kili asks from where he is propped up against the pillows on the bed.
"Kili, you are coming home. They won't keep you here past Tuesday. I am sure of it." Thorin isn't just stating his opinion. He is making a demand.
"Well, I guess that's settled then." Kili rolls his eyes and gives a half-hearted laugh.
"Sorry, lads, but that won't be necessary. Thorin you go to work and do your normal weekly routine. Fili, you go home and enjoy the remainder of your break. I will stay here with Kili until he goes home Tuesday."
Balin isn't going to back down, but I try to change his mind anyway.
"No, really, you don-"
"No, I do have to. Don't worry about a thing. I already have a bag packed and in my car. Give me fifteen minutes and I will be back with it. I don't want to hear a word from either of you. Besides, Dwalin probably wants me out of the house for a while. Even brothers need a break every once in a while."
"Isn't that the truth," I laugh, tousling Kili's hair.
"Shut up," Kili says as he bats my hand away, trying to keep the grin off his face.
"Ok, I will be back before you can say, 'Let's take the ring to Mordor.'" Balin takes another drink of his coffee and leaves.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Kili asks, just as puzzled as the rest of us.
The house is eerily quiet when Fili and I enter our home.
After Balin had returned with his bag in tow, Fili and I said our goodbyes to KIli promising to be back tomorrow; however, Balin insisted that we wait until Tuesday. He also threatened that if we attempted to make a phone call to the hospital or set foot in the parking lot, he would have Dwalin hogtie both me and Fili to the basketball hoop in our backyard. So, after arguing for a solid ten minutes, Fili and I both accepted defeat and came home. Now we were banned from all communication with Kili for the next three days.
"These are going to be the longest three days of my life," Fili says from his place on the couch.
"I know."
"I think I'm going to try to eat something before going to bed. Want anything?" Fili asks, walking toward the hallway.
"No, I think I'm going to head on up to bed, myself. I guess I'll just do paperwork tomorrow since my original plans have been cancelled." I realize how that last part sounded and quickly fix my mistake. "No, that's not how I meant it. Some of the guys and I were going to go to Bofur's new show. Apparently, he has a gig at a pub in Erebor now. Somebody must think he's funny."
Fili gives a slight laugh. He of all people knows that Bofur's since of humor has quite a wide range. And when alcohol is involved, he is quite the entertainer.
"You should go," he says. "I'll be fine here. Really. Go on. Go have fun. Make sure Bofur doesn't get himself in too much trouble in his drunken stupor."
"No, I can't. I can call someone else and make them watch him."
"Uncle?"
I look up.
"Go."
The command is simple, but Fili means it, nonetheless.
"I'll think about it." I tell him.
I know there isn't any point arguing with Fili. I may be the man who raised him, but Fili still knew how to get his way. So, did Kili. It was a curse.
It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. I decide to get up and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water.
As I make my way down the hall towards the stairs, I notice a light from underneath Fili's closed door.
I knock on the door. "Fili, you awake?"
There is some shuffling from inside the room and then Fili opens the door. "Yeah, I gave up on sleep forever ago. I've just been reading."
Fili's eyes are red. He may have been reading, but he was crying, too.
"I was just going to get a drink. Do you want to join me?"
Fili hesitates a moment and then follows after me.
When we reach the kitchen, I walk over to the cabinet above the sink and retrieve two glasses. Then I walk over to the icemaker installed in the left door of the refrigerator and fill both glasses half full with ice and then with water. I turn to hand Fili his when I realize he isn't in the kitchen.
Fili is still standing in the entryway, eyes downcast, and breathing somewhat heavily.
"Fee, do you want to go wait in the living room?"
He doesn't answer just walks away. His eyes never leaving the floor.
I decide to make some popcorn. There's no way either of us is sleeping tonight. Might as well get some snacks and watch a movie.
A few minutes later, I make my way to the living room where I can already hear the television playing. Somehow I managed to carefully balance two glasses of water, a large bowl of popcorn, and a small bag of M&M's, without dropping a single kernel of popcorn.
Fili makes space for me on the couch and takes the popcorn from me. "Thanks."
"Don't you want your water?"
"Oh yeah. Thanks," he says and reaches for his glass.
I roll my eyes and sit beside him. Of course Fee would only be interested in the buttery goodness.
We sit there for a while longer, eating the popcorn and watching a show I had never seen before.
I know Fili isn't really paying attention to the show, so I grab the remote and press the mute button. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, already knowing why he was acting so strangely.
"Every time I look at that kitchen, I just see him." Fili admits.
"I know, but, he's going to be ok. You told him yourself, we are going to help him fight this. Kili is going to win. There's no need to be so hard on yourself." I know he isn't buying it, but I'm trying to reassure him.
"That's just it though. I have known for the past few weeks. I knew something was wrong, but I never bothered to ask for specifics because Kili always comes to me when he has a problem. He's been quiet and sullen and just not his normal happy self. And then the other night, he came into my room and just burst into tears. I didn't know what w-"
"He did that?" I honestly had no idea.
"Yeah, and it scared the living daylights out of me. I thought about waking you, but decided it would be pointless, and unsafe… for me... because it was four in the morning." Fili looks away sheepishly.
"Can't say I'm angry about that one. I know I'm a terrible person when I don't get my beauty sleep," I admit. Fili gives a small chuckle at that.
"And then I walked into his room one afternoon and he was having a panic attack or something. Then he just snapped at me. He never does that. And from then on, Kili just got worse until he finally collapsed in the kitchen." Fili finishes his recollection, with a heavy sigh, falling even further into the back of the couch.
"It's not your fault. If anything, it's mine," I say. "I haven't been spending enough time with you two. If I had, I would have seen something was wrong. And I could have gotten it out of him sooner."
"No, it's not your fault, Uncle. It's no one's fault. It's just that freaking tumor!" Fili yells and storms out of the living room.
"FILI!" I run after him as I hear the back door slam shut.
Fili is running across the lawn towards the forest when suddenly he trips over a rock and falls to the ground. I reach my nephew and fall down beside him, pulling his shaking body against mine. I cradle his head against my chest and let him sob. Soon I feel a wetness seeping from my own eyes.
Fili and I lose track of time and just continue to sit there in the backyard, crying for something we loved dearly: Kili.
Tuesday morning, Balin calls to tell us that Kili's CT scan has been scheduled for 11:00 AM. Strangely, this is the most exciting news that we have heard since late Saturday night.
The weekend had been uneventful. Thorin decided Bofur could get drunk and suffer from the consequences without his help. Sunday he stayed home and attempted paperwork. I went for a run that morning around the block. After that, I spent the day reading.
Monday, I shoved Thorin out of the house to his office. He managed to spend the entire day there. Barely. When he came home, I knew he was anxious for Tuesday because I was, too. Neither of us ate dinner that evening. We didn't even speak.
Then, this morning we were both up at the crack of dawn because we didn't sleep the night before. We were too anxious to see Kili and bring him home. We sat in the kitchen by the phone and waited for the phone call from Balin.
When it finally came at 9:30, Thorin answered it before the first ring even finished. After about a minute, he hung up.
"Balin says Kili's test is at 11. He is giving us permission to come in before then."
"I'll be ready in five." I finish my orange juice and race up the stairs.
"Knock, knock." I say as I enter Kili's hospital room.
Kili turns his head to look at me. "Hey!"
"I believe the correct response is, 'Who's there?'" I laugh.
"Shut up and give me a hug." Kili sits himself up and puts a pillow behind his back for extra support.
"A little demanding, aren't we?" I tease.
Kili rolls his eyes and wraps his arms around me as I walk over to the bed. "I missed you, Fee."
"I missed you too, Little Brother." I say as I hug Kili back, fiercely. After a while longer, I release Kili and help him get comfortable. "Where's Balin?" I ask.
"Where's Uncle?"
"I asked you first."
After a stare down, Kili finally caves in and answers my question. "You always win," he grumbles. "Balin went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat."
"Big brother advantage," I smirk, in reply to Kili's first comment.
"Where's Thorin?"
"He got a phone call about work right before we left. He tried to get out of it, but in the end, failed. I drove my car. He'll be here later."
"Oh." Kili's eyes are huge and he looks panicked.
"Don't worry. He'll be here before you go in for your test. He wouldn't miss it." I reassure my brother, gently rubbing his arm.
"Right." Kili doesn't look too sure, but he accepts it.
"It's 10:45. He's not coming."
Kili is getting anxious, and, quite frankly, so am I.
"Kili, he'll be here. Trust me. It's a twenty minute drive from the house. I don't know how long that phone call went. But, time isn't something Thorin wastes. He will be here. Soon." I tell Kili for what seems like the hundredth time.
"He doesn't care about me anymore." Kili sounds broken.
My jaw hits the floor at this statement. "Kili, stop this nonsense! How could you say that!?"
"Kili," Balin interrupts before Kili can respond. "Your Uncle is a very busy man. But, he loves you more than you can imagine. You- the both of you-," Balin brings his eyes to me and then back to Kili, "are his life. Do not say such things. They are lies. I know Thorin. He will be here."
Kili doesn't say anything. We all sit there in the unsettling silence.
10:53.
"Sorry- excuse me- no, I have to see my nephew- I'm late- please- sorry."
I hear the feet running down the hall and the deep voice: Thorin.
"I'm here!" Thorin exclaims, running into the room.
Before Kili can say anything, Thorin has wrapped his arms around him and is telling him how sorry he is for being late.
When Kili doesn't say anything, Thorin releases his hold on Kili and stands back up. "What's wrong?"
"Get out." Kili demands, not looking at Thorin.
"Kili, what-" Thorin begins, only to be cut off by Kili.
"I said, get out!" Kili shouts.
I try to calm my brother. "Kee, stop! Thorin's here like he said he would be."
"I got here as soon as I could. Really, Kee, you know I wouldn't let you down." Thorin is on the verge of pleading. I don't know what's happened, but something has softened our Uncle in the past few weeks.
"Get. Out." Kili grounds out each word with great emphasis. He has turned his head away from the three of us and I can hear the slight tremble in his voice.
I look at Thorin. He wasn't crying… yet. But he was shaken. "I'll be in the waiting area."
"I'll go with him." Balin says and follows Thorin down the hall.
"Kili, look at me." I command when the others have left.
When Kili refuses to look at me, I grab his face in both of my hands and force him to look at me.
"You have to stop this. Thorin has to work. He has to take care of us. He loves you. He tried to be here, and he may not have been here when you wanted him to, but he did come. Grow up. Get over it."
Kili is crying now. Quietly, but the tears are coming down his face.
"I'll be right back." Kili just nods his head. He knows what I'm doing.
"You know, you could have called." Balin says from the doorway.
I knew he had followed me down the hall, and as much as I appreciate his kind intentions, I am not in the mood for a lecture.
"I was in such a rush when I left that I threw my phone on the table as soon as the call ended. I grabbed my keys and left. I got here as soon as I could. I guess it wasn't soon enough." I rest my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands.
"I know Kili, and I know you. He will realize his mistake and forgive you in no time. And I also know that you will not stop until he does. I know you tried your hardest. You always do when it involves those two boys. But, you do need to balance your time better." Balin knows just what to say. Every single time.
"Fili is disappointed, too. He won't admit it, but I know he is." I release a heavy sigh. Fili was always the quiet, more reserved of the two. He didn't always verbally express his frustrations. You had to study his body language.
"Just leave Kili to his brother. If anyone can get through to him, it is Fili." Balin assures me. And he's right. My two nephews have a bond that makes me question if they are really the same person, living in two different bodies sometimes.
"I know I haven't been spending enough time with them. Fili and I discussed this last night. I try to control my work schedule, but sometimes, especially with this current case, it gets more difficult to have a normal life. I can't help but partially blame myself for Kili's illness. If I had been spending more time with them, I would have seen how sick he was." I stop myself from going further. Because, Balin and I both know that what would eventually slip out was something neither of us wanted to even consider.
"Thorin, you cannot blame yourself for any of this. You did not give Kili the tumor. He is going to be fine, all in due time. There may be some changes for a while, but soon enough, everything will be back to normal. Kili will be his normal, hyper-active self and Fili will be keeping him out of trouble. Or at least trying." Balin and I both chuckle at this. There have been a few times in the past when Fili has had to rescue Kili from himself, as well as, others. Kili didn't know when to stop and didn't have a filter. Sometimes it was hilarious. Other times? Well…
"Thank you. For this, and staying here. Fili and I really needed that short break, although it nearly killed us in the process."
Balin pats me on the back and just smiles.
"Uncle, you've got two minutes. You better run down there now." Fili is standing in the doorway, out of breath from running to find me.
I immediately take off down the hall toward Kili's room.
The radiology technician is helping Kili into the wheelchair.
"Kee, I'm here."
"Sir, I have to tak-"
"No, I still have one minute. It's 10:59." I shove past the nurse and wrap my arms around Kili who is sitting in the wheelchair, tears streaming down his face.
"I'm so sorry, Uncle. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Kili chokes out in between his tears.
"Kee, you are going to fine. I can't go in with you, but I will be right outside the doors in the waiting area the whole time. Ok? Then we can go home. Everything is going to be fine." I give Kili one more squeeze and release him. I roll my eyes and pat Kili's shoulder. "Now get out of here. I want to go home."
The technician gives an exasperated sigh and begins to push Kili's chair toward the elevators. Kili turns around and gives me a wave and I smile and wave back. Then he is gone.
The total time for the procedure took about thirty-five minutes. The scan itself took only a couple of minutes. The real trick would have been getting Kili to stay still that long. But, apparently it worked. When the technician wheeled Kili through the doors, the three of us- Fili, Balin, and I- followed the chair to the elevator. The elevator, however, was too full to fit all of us. So, I rode up with Kili, keeping a hand on his shoulder the entire ride.
Bilbo met us in Kili's room. The doctor told us that Kili's tumor wasn't large enough to require immediate treatment, but he would have to be brought in once a week for monitoring. Kili tried to protest, but was quickly stopped by all of us. After a few more minutes of medical talk, Bilbo gave us some paperwork regarding Kili's weekly visits, and then we left.
Now, as I drive home, I steal a glance to the passenger seat beside me. It is 12:30 in the afternoon and Kili is passed out in the seat: his sweatshirt was rolled up into a makeshift pillow, held against the window with his head, and the blanket that he had managed to drag out of the hospital with him was spread over him. When he sleeps, he looks so much younger than his seventeen years. No one so young-well, anyone really- should have to suffer through this. But, Kili has a support system. We will make this work.
I put my eyes back on the road and drive the rest of the way home in deep thought. Balin agreed to tell the others about Kili's situation. I also threatened each of them if they laid a finger on Kili and said anything stupid. At least half of my threat would pull through. Fili volunteered to go to the local pharmacy and pick-up Kili's medication: just simple pain pills to take in case he has a severe headache, and a syrup for an upset stomach. Bilbo regretfully told us all to expect this from Kili. But, if it is part of the healing process, we will endure it.
Before I even realize it, we are sitting in the driveway of home. I turn the engine off and reach over and shake Kili's leg. "Hey, buddy. We're home."
Kili mumbles something unintelligible and slowly shakes himself awake. "I'm tired," he says midst yawn.
"I know. C'mon, I'll make us some lunch and then you can sleep."
"S'nds good." Kili mumbles, still half asleep. The two of us walk into the house together. Kili stops in the doorway beside me. "It's good to be home."
Yes, yes it is.