WEDNESDAY: TWO WEEKS LATER

Kili's symptoms have been increasing and becoming more frequent. The headaches are nearly constant; he may go three days at a time without holding anything but water; he is becoming confused and disoriented two to three times a day; he has no energy; the mood swings, well, they are ever present. Sometimes he changes within seconds. It's terrifying.

Nobody says a word, but we all know what is happening: the tumor is growing quickly.

So, now I sit in the waiting area, waiting for the news I know will come after Kili's session today. I try to read my book, but give up when I read the same sentence fifteen times and still don't understand it. I try to listen to the gossip in the nurses' station: something about Galadriel, the receptionist, having dinner with an old friend after many years of no communication. High school sweethearts, apparently. But, my attention doesn't stay there long either. I settle for just staring at the depressingly plain gray wallpaper.

"Fili, can you come back here for a minute?"

I look up. Bilbo is in the doorway, his usual cheery expression is gone. I swallow hard and walk down the hall with him. We end up in the conference room from Kili's first visit again. Kili is already there, eyes downcast and shaking.

"I guess you know why I've asked you two to join me," Bilbo begins. He pulls out three different images and slides them across the table to me. "These are of the tumor the past three weeks. As you can see, there was a gradual increase in size." Bilbo pauses and slides me another picture. "This is from today."

I cannot stop the loud gasp that leaves my mouth as I look at the image in front of me. The tumor has grown excessively in a period of seven days. I try to speak, but all that comes out is a weird strangled noise in the back of my throat. I look at Kili. He hasn't moved a muscle.

"I'm scheduling an MRI for Kili, Friday afternoon. It will give a more accurate image than the CT scan. I'm hoping that there was a glitch in the cameras because it is very unlikely that it has grown so much in the past week. I'll have Galadriel call you this evening and make the final appointment.

"I'm sorry I can't tell you something else. But know this, I will do everything in my will power to make this process as quick and painless as possible. I will not stop until Kili has beaten this. We will all fight together." Bilbo pauses and sits up straighter in his chair. "Now, I have to go because I have another appointment coming up. You have my office number, but, here is my home phone as well." He hands me a card. "Call me if you need anything. I will respond as quickly as possible. I will see you Friday."

Nothing. That's what I think, feel. Total and complete numbness. And then I'm nauseated.

I run out of the room, past the waiting area, and to the bathroom across the hall. Thankfully, it is empty. I fall to my knees and dispel whatever was left in my stomach. When I finally stop heaving, I stand up and drag myself to the sink. I wash my hands and face. I don't even recognize myself- the life has completely left my eyes.

I walk back to the waiting area where Kili is talking to Galadriel.

"Balin's coming to pick us up." Kili tells me. He sounds dead, too.

"What about my car?"

"He's dropping off Dwalin. He'll drive it to the house."

"I will see you two Friday. Try to enjoy the rest of your day. Get a good night's rest. Tomorrow may be a better day," Galadriel offers with a smile. In all the time we've spent here, this is the most she has spoken to either of us.

Despite my sullen mood, I thank her.

Kili and I take the elevator to the first floor and wait in the lobby.

The world around me blurs. My focus doesn't settle on my brother, but on a little boy about six years old. He has a dark head, covered in curls. He's running around with another little kid, laughing and enjoying himself. It's like I'm reliving the past, watching Kili, so full of life and laughter.

Only, this isn't Kili. It's a random kid in a hospital lobby. Where Kili's tumor has just been proven to be growing at an alarming rate.

I don't know how long I sit there, just staring, but I come back to the present when I hear a deep, familiar voice calling my name.

"Fili? Fili, snap out of it. Fili?"

Dwalin.

I shake myself, bringing me back to the present. "Yeah?"

"I need your keys, son."

"Oh, right." I reach into my front jeans pocket and hand him the keys. "It's on the third floor of the garage. Near the second elevator."

Dwalin nods and leaves.

"Fili, lad. Are you coming?"

Balin.

I stand up, not saying a word and follow Balin and Kili to the elevator. When we reach the fourth floor, we walk to Balin's car. No one makes a sound on the ride home.

I open the door to my home and walk inside. It's too quiet.

"Fili? Kili? Are you boys home?"

I check the kitchen: empty. The living room: Balin.

Balin? Immediately an alarm goes off in my head.

"They're sleeping." Balin's voice sounds calm and full of wisdom, as usual. But I know something is wrong.

"Just tell me." I command my old friend and mentor.

"It's grown remarkably fast in the past week. The CT scan may have glitched and given an inaccurate image. Kili is having an MRI done Friday afternoon. Galadriel, Bilbo's receptionist, will be calling you this evening to confirm the appointment. The procedure is basically the same, but the MRI will give a more detailed and accurate image."

My knees feel weak, but somehow I manage to summon the willpower to remain standing. "How did you get here?"

"Kili called me. Fili was not in good health and Kili was afraid that he wouldn't be able to drive. Dwalin and I drove to the hospital. Once there, Dwalin took Fili's keys and brought the car back here. I drove the boys back in my car. I sent them to bed and stayed because I know they needed me to do this."

"Where's Dwalin?" He may not be the most sympathetic person, but he is my best friend.

"I believe he is out back."

Dwalin never shows emotion, but I know he cares for my nephews deeply. This news is hard on him, too.

"How long do you plan on staying here?" If they are intending on staying the night, I should get things prepared in the guest bedrooms.

Balin thinks for a moment. "My original intentions were to be here for you when you got home. I did not want to have them tell you the latest. It would not be good for them. If you need me to stay, I will."

"I think we'll be ok tonight." Think being the keyword.

"In that case, I will find my brother, and we will be on our way." Balin stands up, but before he leaves the room, he turns and looks at me. "Thorin, if you need anything, do not hesitate to call. I know tonight is going to be anything but fine. I love you all as if you were my very own. I will be here, and so will the other guys, as long as you need us. Kili is a very important factor in all of our lives. Never forget that."

I can feel the tears threatening to leave my eyes. I nod my head, not trusting my voice. Balin gives me a soft pat on the arm, and then he disappears from the room. I remain standing here in the living room until I hear the engine of a car leaving the premises.

I walk up the stairs needing to see my nephews. Both of their doors are shut, lights off.

I check Kili's first. Cracking open the door as silently as possible, I peek my head around the door. Sure enough, Kili is passed out on his bed, sound asleep. I pry myself away from the door because I know if I continue to stay here, I will have a massive breakdown and that isn't acceptable. Especially in the presence of another person.

I close the door behind me softly, and go to Fili's door. I ease the door open and see Fili asleep on his bed. I notice that he didn't bother to cover himself with a blanket. Out of paternal instincts, I grab a blanket from a pile on the floor, and drape it over Fili's sleeping body. The pillow beneath his head is wet from the tears he had been crying.

"We're going to get through this. All of us. For Kili." I whisper, as I walk to the door.

As I close the door behind me, my ears hear a faint, "I know." And it is all the encouragement I need. It is also the final stimulant to my breaking emotions.

I walk to my room, close the door behind me, and cry.

"Don't worry about coming in today. I'll take care of everything. –Dori"

I read the text and immediately sigh in relief. I hadn't had the courage and willingness to notify Dori of my plans to stay home today. Balin has apparently beaten me to the task. Bless him.

I look at the time on my phone: 8:30. Didn't sleep last night, not gonna get any now. I think to myself and drag my feet over the side of the bed. I hadn't even bothered to change clothes. Still wearing my white button-down dress shirt, blue and black pinstriped tie, and black dress pants. The shirt has become partially untucked and everything is disheveled. I know if my nephews see me still in my wrinkled work clothes, they would know how hard I had taken the news. So, I change into old sweatpants and a Gondor Law School t-shirt.

Both of my nephew's doors are still shut, but I can hear the shower running in the bathroom at the end of the hall.

I knock on Fili's door and here a mumbled, "Mornin'."

"Kili's in the shower. Do you feel like breakfast?" I ask through the closed door.

"I can try." I'm pretty sure that's how we all feel this morning.

"Ok."

I walk down to the kitchen and decide to make scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. A few minutes later, I hear feet padding against the tile floor of the kitchen.

"What time did you get home?"

"5:15, same as usual."

"I'm sorry."

I turn around to look at my youngest nephew. Kili is wearing old sweatpants and a sweatshirt he bought last summer when we vacationed in the Misty Mountains. His head of chestnut curls are still wet, making them stick out in every direction, a few on his forehead. There is no color in his face except for the deep blue circles beneath his eyes, evidence of a sleepless night. His dark brown eyes are half open and hold none of the liveliness that they normally do. The young man standing before me isn't Kili at all; merely a being that has taken over Kili's form, but not Kili. Not my Kili.

"Don't worry about it. We're all going to be fine, ok?" Kili gives a slight nod of his head and sits down at the table. "Do you feel like eating? There's eggs, bacon, and toast."

"Just some toast, thanks." I know he's sick now because bacon is Kili's favorite. If there is bacon involved, Kili will try it. One year at the county fair, Kili challenged himself to eating anything and everything possible with bacon. He did. The results were disastrous. Bacon wasn't found in our kitchen for a month after because the thought of it alone made him sick.

The thoughts of this occurrence bring a small laugh from my throat.

"What's so funny?"

"You remember that time at the county fair when you ate everything with bacon?"

Kili gives a small laugh in response. "Yeah, couldn't think of it, look at it, or smell it for a month after."

"And then I did everything in my power to make sure bacon was mentioned at least twice a day."

Neither of us had heard Fili enter. He grabs two coffee mugs for the both of us, and a glass for Kili's orange juice. Fili and I drink too much coffee for our own good. Kili never liked it. Besides, the caffeine would not be good for his hyper-activeness, or for anyone in his presence.

"I hated you for that, by the way."

"I think we both did," I answer in agreement with Kili's last statement. That one gets a laugh from Kili, a real laugh. Or the closest thing to one that he has offered for a few weeks.

"I'm hurt." Fili says dramatically and places his hand over his heart.

"Sure ya are," Kili says still laughing.

I listen to the banter that my nephews indulge in as I finish cooking breakfast. Maybe today isn't going to be so bad after all.

"I'm going outside. Want to join me?" Kili asks from my doorway.

"Uh, yeah, sure. What are we doing?" I close my laptop and grab my phone from where it lays charging on my desk.

"I don't know. I just want to get out." Kili admits.

I laugh. "C'mon then."

"Uh, you might want to grab some shoes and a sweatshirt. It is late October." Kili says, eyeing my form.

"Ever the observant eye," I say, pulling on my Nike's and a sweatshirt. I look at Kili. We are now wearing the exact same sweatshirt, but different colors: Kili's a cerulean blue, mine a forest green.

"Copy-cat," Kili laughs. I shove his arm slightly in passing and we walk down the stairs together.

"Where are you going?" Thorin asks as we pass his home office room.

"Just out back for a while," Kili answers.

"All right. Don't burn anything down." Thorin warns.

He'll never let us live that one down. One little experience when I was eleven and Kili was eight. We accidentally discovered that a magnifying glass and the sun could make a fire, and ended up catching the yard on fire. Thorin was quick to get the water hose. The fire was gone almost as quick as it had started. Kili and I didn't sit for too long a time for the next few days.

"Uncle, accidents happen," Kili says innocently.

"Yeah, well, there had better not be any 'accidents' today."

I can hear the air quotation marks and imagine Thorin rolling his eyes as he does his paperwork.

"We'll see," Kili says mischievously.

"Want to go for a swim?" Kili asks, slipping an arm out of one of his sleeves.

"Are you crazy!? Put that back on!"

"Relax, Fee. The pool's empty... But the creek isn't."

"No! NO! Absolutely not! Get back here!" I yell frantically as Kili runs toward the edge of the woods.

The border between our yard and the forest is separated by a deep creek and a small walking bridge. Kili and I spent many summers in this creek. When Thorin decided that we couldn't be torn apart from the water, he had an in-ground pool built in the back yard. This led to my love for swimming. I joined the school swim team and won nationals two years in a row. When I turned sixteen, I spent my summers volunteering as a lifeguard at the local pool. I spent my first summer home from college at the pool, and regretted every minute of it because I didn't spend time with my family. After that, I never volunteered again.

Kili is now standing on the edge of the bridge, his sweatshirt on the ground beside him. "One… Two… Three!"

"NO!" I reach forward and grab Kili's arm, roughly pulling him back. We collide, and at the impact, fall into a heap on the ground.

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES!" I'm furious.

I wait for the backlash I know is coming. Then I am surprised as Kili bursts out into laughter. Real, genuine laughter.

"You-you should-'ve seen yo-ur face!" Kili barely manages to say due to his incessant laughter.

I, however, do not find the situation as amusing. I shove my brother off of me and push myself off the ground. When I begin to briskly walk away, Kili stops laughing.

"Where are you going?"

"Back inside." I answer curtly.

"Fee, it was a joke." Kili insists as he jogs to keep up with me.

I spin around, almost knocking Kili over in the process. "It wasn't a joke, Kili, because it wasn't funny."

"Fee, lighten up. I wasn't actually going to jump." Kili tells me, trying to sound serious.

"How am I supposed to believe that? You're reckless and don't think about anything you do until you do it! You've survived this far, but one day your luck is going to run out Kee, and I won't be there to stop you."

"Like, now." Kili says, all joking matter has left his form. His voice is grave and his body is rigid. "That's what all this is about. You're afraid you can't save me this time." It isn't a question. Kili knows exactly what's going on in my mind.

I don't say anything- the silence speaking for me.

"I don't even think I can save myself this time." Kili admits in a whisper.

My heart breaks at his admission. I knew Kili wasn't confident about this entire situation, we all did. But, he had never said it out loud. And now, because I'm stupid and the worst person on the planet, I've just admitted to Kili that I think the same thing. No, those weren't my exact words, but everything is implied.

"Gah, no, Kili, no, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." I fall to the ground, my knees suddenly giving out.

And then, Kili wraps his arms around me and gives me a hug. It's not strange, but it is unusual since I'm the one who usually initiates the hug. We were best friends, brothers, but it was always a little awkward outwardly showing affection. I guess it is for all men, regardless of your relationship.

"It's ok, Fee. It's not your fault." Kili is trying to sound assuring, but it's not working out as planned.

"But it is. Kee, you're my little brother. I'm not supposed to let anything bad happen to you. I'm supposed to protect you and help you grow and teach you. And I've failed."

"You're an idiot."

At this statement, I pull back, breaking all physical contact with my brother and stare at him. "Excuse me?"

"You didn't do this to me. No one did. It just happened. You haven't made it worse and you haven't made it any better. Well, physically. But, you have in a way. Just being here and taking me to all of those appointments and never leaving my side; being my big brother. Am I happy about this? No. But am I going to fight knowing I have the support of those I love the most? You bet your—"

"KILI!"

"I cannot believe you would think I would use such language." Kili says, feigning hurt at my accusations.

"You have been spending entirely too much time around Dwalin and Bofur."

"Or maybe not enough," Kili adds. I give him my best "don't test me" glare. "Or, maybe I have. C'mon, it's getting cold." Kili grabs his sweatshirt and puts it back on. He stands back up and I can see his legs shaking. Kili puts his arms out in front of him to stable himself.

"You ok?" I ask in concern, standing up beside my brother.

"Yeah, just a little dizzy. Head hurts a little."

"Nobody slept last night. A nap would do us both some good." The idea of sleep sounds glorious, and now I think I can actually participate in the act. This small talk with Kili helped a little.

"I couldn't agree more, brother."

When we enter the house, Thorin is still in his office. "Hey, come in here for a sec."

We do so obediently. Thorin looks up from his keyboard where he was typing rapidly. "Gloin called. Everybody is going to Bombur's restaurant tonight for Bifur's birthday. You guys want to go?"

"Yeah, sounds fun." Kili answers for the both of us.

"All right. We're leaving at 6:30. The reservation is set for 7:00."

Kili wobbles a little, but catches himself on the door frame. Thorin notices this and immediately asks, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just a little dizzy. Head hurts a little, too. I'm going to get some sleep considering I didn't get any last night."

"Me too," I butt in.

"Ok, get some sleep. Be ready to leave at 6:30."

Thorin turns back to his keyboard and resumes typing. I didn't miss the dark circles under his eyes or the fact that his eyes were barely open themselves. The coffee on his desk was the only thing keeping him awake right now.

Kili notices this, too. "Uncle, get some sleep. Work can wait, I'm sure."

Thorin looks like he is about to protest, but when Kili keeps looking at him with his "do it or else" expression, he stops.

"Maybe a few hours wouldn't be too bad."

"Or five." Kili mutters, walking away.

Kili walked to his room and I immediately followed to mine. I fell down on the sheets, suddenly exhausted. And then I slept, the first uninterrupted sleep I had had in a long time.

Apparently everybody else did too, because I woke up to Thorin frantically pounding on my bedroom door.

"It's 6:45, we're late!"

I roll over and then finally summon the energy to get up. I grab some nice jeans from a chest drawer and then find my favorite flannel shirt from the closet. I find my boots under my bed and slip them on.

I exit the room the same time Kili exits his. He's wearing jeans and a plaid, flannel shirt much like myself, but has his favorite converses on his feet. While I have regained most of my energy, Kili still looks half asleep. I notice he squints at the hallway light.

"Headache worse?"

Kili nods. "Yeah, I took one of those pills though. I'll be ok."

"C'mon! I've already called them we're running late!" Thorin yells from downstairs.

"Coming!" I yell back down. I turn to look at Kili again. "I'm not going to make you stay here, but if it gets worse, I'm telling Thorin and we're leaving, whether you like it or not."

"I'll be fine! Let's just go, ok?" Kili snaps and walks towards the stairs.

Sometimes I just want to smack him. This is one of those times.