Thank you again to those still reading.
"Pete…Pete it was incredible," you say over the phone, excited to share your experience with him.
"What was?" he asks confused.
"The baby. I went with Helena to her appointment and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I had no idea it could beat so fast like that. And then I got to see her on the screen…it's a her, I mean it's a little girl," you breathe.
"Mykes," Pete chuckles, "I can't believe you're going to be a parent before I am."
"What? No, it's not…it's Helena's baby…I'm not…" you stumble over your words, Pete's words catching you off guard. You sigh, frustrated with yourself. "I don't even know how to care for a baby."
"Most people don't until they have kids of their own," Pete says wisely. "It's a learning experience, and you love learning more than anyone I know."
"Helena doesn't love me, Pete," you say biting your lip.
"Has she told you that?"
"Well, no," you admit.
"Then how do you know for sure?" he persists.
"You know I really hate it when you get all logical on me."
"I know it's so unlike me," he agrees, "but when you're illogical for a change, I'm forced to do the thinking."
"Don't hurt yourself," you quip.
You hear him laugh over the phone. "My head does hurt a little. But seriously, Mykes, if you love her, you've got to tell her and then either way, you'll know how she feels and take it from there."
"What if I'm not good enough for her, or for the baby?"
"Myka, you're good enough, more than good enough. You're the smartest person I know, but now you've just got to take a chance. If you love Helena, you've got to tell her, sooner or later."
"I know, Pete," you admit. "I'm just not sure what will happen if I tell her."
"The only way you're going to find out is to tell her. Anyway, until that happens, you know I love you, right, Mykes?"
"Yeah, Pete. I love you too."
It's been over a week since your last phone call with Pete. You still haven't garnered the courage to tell Helena how you feel about her. In fact, you grow more flustered each day as she continues to surprise you.
You come home one afternoon to hear the stereo blaring to an upbeat song that would easily inspire dancing. That's exactly what you find Helena doing as you step into the living room. Her back is turned to you and you can't help but watch as her hips move in rhythm to the beat. She moves so seamlessly, the music easily becoming a part of her, much the same way as it does when she plays her violin. The sight takes your breath away.
As she turns, dark eyes meet yours and you both blush. Unlike you, however, Helena quickly recovers, a smirk forming on her lips as she moves towards you purposefully, never breaking her rhythm, her hips still moving to the beat.
"Dance with me, Myka?" she asks above the sound of the music.
You shake your head helplessly. "I don't dance," you try to apologize but Helena won't accept the feeble excuse.
"Nonsense," she proclaims as she removes your satchel from your shoulder and gently drops it to the floor. "All you need to do is move to the rhythm," she explains, taking your hands in hers and leading you further into the room.
Before you know what is happening, Helena's hands are at your hips, guiding you through the music and her laughter tickles your ear. You find the sound of it infectious and laugh with her. Soon enough, you mirror her actions and gently guide your hands to her waist, feeling the movement of her hips slow slightly at your touch and her hands tighten at your own hips as if trying to steady herself. Her eyes meet yours and they appear darker than you've ever seen them, the black of her pupil nearly indiscernible from the dark brown iris of her eyes.
Too soon the song changes to a much slower melody and Helena breaks away from your grasp turning away so you can't see her face as she turns off the stereo. She stands there silently for a few seconds and you're uncertain what to say.
"So, you like to dance," you begin awkwardly.
Helena turns to face you at the words and she laughs lightly. "It does make the chore of dusting slightly more bearable," she quips as she picks up a forgotten feather duster from the table and waves it in the air distractedly.
"Ah," you nod, grasping the back of your neck. "Music always helps with chores," you agree.
"Yes, and Christina seems to have enjoyed the music and extra movement as well," she says cradling her stomach fondly.
"Christina. That reminds me," you say walking back to pick up your satchel from the floor. "I have something for her."
"Oh?" Helena asks intrigued.
"Yeah," you say digging through your satchel for the item. "It's not much, but I happened to walk by a children's clothing store and saw it, and it made me think of you and her," you say as you awkwardly hand Helena the small item wrapped in tissue paper.
Helena carefully removes the tissue paper to reveal a onesie with musical notes embroidered along the tiny long sleeves and collar.
You watch as she runs her fingers gently against the cloth, feeling the rise of the notes embroidered against the cotton. "Myka…this is so thoughtful of you," Helena speaks softly meeting your eyes once more.
"It really isn't much," you say again, "I mean, I know you're going to need a lot more for her than one item of clothing, but it's a start."
Helena moves towards you then, her arms wrapping around you to embrace you in a hug. "Thank you, darling," she whispers against your ear before pulling away. "It's a very good start," she adds with a smile. "And speaking of a start, I really do need to begin looking for more items for her. I thought I might do a little shopping this weekend. You could come with me, if you'd like," she finishes softly.
"I'd like that," you agree.
"Wonderful," Helena smiles at you.
You've spent the morning with Helena looking at various baby clothes, bibs, diapers, which you've learned are called nappies in England, bottles, blankets, toys and now you're looking at furniture.
Helena runs her hand along the smooth wood of a crib, looking at it appreciatively.
"Are you going to get it?" you ask.
"I'd like to," Helena responds, "but no, not at this time. I think a bassinet will be more suitable to my needs at the moment. A crib wouldn't fit in my bedroom the way a bassinet will. Besides, if I were to get a crib now, I'd just have to move it in a few months to another apartment."
"Another apartment?" you ask feeling your throat constrict at the thought.
"Yes of course. Once you leave, I won't be able to afford the rent of our apartment alone. I'll have to find something less expensive."
"Right," you nod your head, "because I'm leaving," you mutter. "I'd almost forgotten," you laugh self-deprecatingly.
"I haven't," Helena whispers, turning away.
"Well you could find another flat mate," you offer trying to be helpful but dislike the idea of Helena sharing an apartment with someone else.
Helena smiles at you. "I suppose I could put out an advertisement as you did."
"Yeah, I mean it worked for me…it could work for you too."
"I'm not sure many people would consider sharing an apartment with a single woman and her infant, but perhaps it's worth a try," she agrees as she moves on to look at the bassinets, you following behind in silence.
Helena found a bassinet that you both agreed would fit inside her bedroom and between the two of you, you've managed to put it together. You've discovered that Helena has a knack of knowing how to put things together and with your assistance, the bassinet was constructed fairly quickly. It sits now in the living room, just waiting for Christina's arrival, adorned with cotton and lace, a lavender ribbon wrapping around it.
Helena had also managed to find several sets of clothing, bottles, nappies, blankets, and even a stuffed bunny that all sit inside the bassinet at the moment. You're a little awed to realize how many things one needs to accommodate an infant. It's a little overwhelming and you know this is only a fraction of what Christina and Helena will actually need.
Helena sits on the sofa beside you and sighs looking at all the new items. "Well, it's a start at least," she says as if reading your thoughts.
"A good start," you agree. "It's hard to believe all that is for one baby."
Helena laughs lightly. "There's still more yet I'll need to get for her. I'd like to get a changing table and she will need a car seat, and a stroller. Eventually there will also need to be a high chair, though that can at least wait until she's a few months old. And those are just the things she needs, there other things I'd like to get for her, but I lack the sufficient funds at the moment," she sighs dragging a hand through her hair.
"I could get her some of those things," you offer even though you know Helena will refuse. She hadn't let you buy a single item all day.
She smiles softly at you. "Thank you for the offer, Myka, truly, but no. I'm her mother, I need to provide for her," she speaks resolutely.
"But I can help," you protest.
"You've already done so much for me as it is, Myka. You've shared this apartment with me, you've accompanied me to my appointment, you cook and teach me how to cook, you take long walks with me…you're very kind to me, Myka, and you've done more than enough," she finishes breathlessly.
You shake your head. "I'm your friend, Helena, I'm glad to do all those things with you."
Helena looks at you and smiles softly. "I know, and I'm very glad we are friends."
Helena looks away then, glancing out the window. "But speaking of long walks, I think we should to forgo our walk tonight," she says changing the subject.
You both glance outside where the usual drizzle of rain is a downpour.
"Yeah, it might be better to stay dry tonight," you agree easily.
"Besides, I think we've done enough walking with all the shopping we did today," Helena says as she stifles a yawn. "Perhaps just a movie tonight instead?"
"Sure," you smile as you both settle back onto the sofa, Helena turning on the television.
She flips through the channels before settling on a movie already in progress. "Breakfast at Tiffany's, I haven't seen this one in years. Is this all right with you?"
"Yeah, it's been a while since I've seen it too."
Helena flips off the lamp then so the flickering image of the screen offers the only light in the room as she settles closer to you than she needs to. She stifles another yawn and soon enough, her head drops to your shoulder. You remain frozen for several long minutes, breathing in the scent of her perfume as Helena tiredly tries to adjust to your shoulder as a pillow.
It can't be comfortable for her, you realize, so you grab a small decorative pillow from the sofa and place it on your lap. Gently you guide Helena down to the pillow and hear a mumbled, "Thank you, darling." Helena stretches out then and you pull a blanket from the back of the sofa to cover her with it, hearing a content sigh escape her lips when you gently rest your hand on her shoulder.
It really isn't long before you feel Helena's breathing even out and you know she's asleep. She tires so much easier these days the more Christina grows inside her. Last night she'd fallen asleep against your shoulder as you read and you didn't dare move for fear of waking her, but you'd lost feeling in your arm. This arrangement is much more comfortable for both of you and you turn your attention back to the movie just in time to watch your favorite scene unfold.
Moon River, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waiting, round the bend
My Huckleberry Friend, Moon River, and me
It's silly really the effect that song has on you. The entire scene can be no more than two or three minutes, but hearing Audrey Hepburn sing "Moon River" always brings a smile to your face even as you feel your throat constrict with emotion. Everything about that scene is so lovely to you and you sigh when it ends.
When you glance back down to Helena still laying asleep in your lap, you're surprised to find your hand has moved of its own volition from her shoulder into her hair, your fingers gently filtering through the long, soft strands. You still your movement and carefully remove your hand from her hair to rest again on her shoulder, grateful Helena hasn't stirred awake by the intimate gesture.
You're so in love with this woman, the sight of her alone is enough to make your heart ache. You'd only fallen more in love with her today as you watched her carefully choose baby clothes and other items for Christina. Still, those three oft spoken words that don't even begin to explain all you feel for her remain elusive in her presence.
Sighing again, you draw the blanket more firmly around her shoulder and close your eyes, allowing the sound of the movie to lull you to sleep, as Helena sleeps peacefully in your arms.
"Moon River" music by Henry Mancini and lyrics by Johnny Mercer