Emily lived with what felt like the ghost of Derek Morgan for twenty-four hours. He only said two words to her, and he repeated them over and over: "I can't."

That first evening at the hospital, after Emily barely endured a medical update from the doctor that included the phrases, "minor internal tearing," and "deep abrasions and bruising on his knees," she had walked quietly into his hospital room. Though the doctor had given him pain medicine that would normally make anyone sleepy, Derek lay in bed with his eyes wide open.

He tracked her walk to the bed and Emily kept her hands to herself for the moment even though all she wanted to do was touch him. This was different than any other time, where after something tragic they could just be relieved that the other person was alive and express that relief with joyful reverence and touch. Emily's eyes filled with tears as she looked at him. He was staring right at her and didn't blink.

"I love you. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Derek. The doctor says he'll release you soon and we can go home. I'm here. I'll be right here with you always. We'll work through this together."

Gingerly she reached her hand out and placed it on top of his. And he moved his hand away, closing it in a fist and pulling towards his body, and crackled out a weak, but apologetic, "I can't."

"It's ok, Derek. I understand," she said softly, but she felt like her insides were shattering.

She sat in the chair next to the bed and watched him until he finally fell asleep, then she quietly crept out into the hallway on weak knees and saw JJ sitting in a chair waiting for her. She let the tears really fall then, and she was aware that her body was shaking, and JJ's arms were around her and she was reassuring Emily that it was going to take time but they'd make it.

Emily didn't have a doubt about that, they would make it. But the last time this had happened, when one of them hadn't gotten there in time, she'd ended up playing dead in Paris for seven months and they had to emotionally fight hard for an additional year after that to come back together, and even then she stayed away for almost another two years before she could come home. What happened to Derek was worse and their lives were different now. They didn't have years to dedicate to him getting his footing. They had Serena and Caleb and she didn't know how all of this was going to play out. She was terrified.

Emily got herself together in that hallway and called Fran, told her what happened. It wasn't fair to keep her waiting and Emily didn't want to lie. Lying would be moot anyway; all you'd need to do is see Derek to know something far worse happened than what the news was reporting, that the federal agent taken hostage by Robert Foster was injured, but found, and Robert Foster was dead. She was trusting Fran to use the superhuman strength she had and make sure she remained stoic in front of the kids. Though she cried briefly, she quickly got herself together and said, "He's alive. We're going to make sure he gets through this," in a strong voice.

When Emily talked to Serena on the phone, she simply told her that Daddy got hurt at work, but he was going to be okay and even come home that night. She told Serena that they would stay with their Nana that weekend so Daddy could rest and Emily would call them in the morning. Emily didn't think Serena bought the simplistic explanation, but she let it go with a quiet, "Tell Daddy I love him."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Emily drove Derek home that Friday night and he kept his face pointed out the passenger window the whole time. "I love you," she told him again, but he didn't turn to face her. They made the rest of the drive in silence. When they got home, he waited for Emily to unlock the front door, and then walked inside the house and straight upstairs. Emily heard the shower starting in their bathroom. She took the stairs slowly and peeked in. His eyes were closed as the water sprayed on him. She sat on the floor outside the bathroom door, peeking occasionally, for an hour, while he washed himself over and over again. Her muscles actually hurt from the tension of physically restraining herself from going to him. He emerged from the bathroom already in the pajamas that were on the hook behind the bathroom door and went straight to the bed.

Emily stood over him and tried to pour all the love she felt for him in a look. He stared again without blinking. "Do you want to eat?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I can't." Again, like an apology. He rolled over and closed his eyes.

Emily changed into pajamas and crawled in bed, staying near the edge on her side to give him space. She felt Derek shift and for a brief second she was hopeful that he was reaching out to her, but he wasn't. He got up and went downstairs. Emily found him laying on the couch. She curled herself into the chair across from him. He slept; she didn't. In the middle of the night, when he was in a deep sleep, she went upstairs to quickly take a shower herself and wash away the speckled blood of Robert Foster she knew must be in her hair.

The next morning she made breakfast and Derek managed a few bites before pushing the plate away. He avoided her eye contact, he pretended to sleep a lot of the time. Emily searched her head for something to say to him when he was awake.

"Serena wanted me to tell you she loves you."

Derek's eyes went wide in fear for a second and Emily realized what he thought, wondering what might have been in the news that his daughter could have seen.

"No, Honey," Emily whispered softly, "She doesn't know. She just thinks you got hurt at work and might need some time to heal. But I think it would be good for Serena and Caleb to see you, when you're ready, maybe tomorrow?"

Tears pricked Derek's eyes for the first time since this happened. He shook his head, "I can't."

Emily kept it together even though she wanted to crumble in tears herself, "We'll just seen how you're feeling. Maybe you'll feel up to calling them."

Later in the day, after several hours of silence, Emily pleaded softly, "Talk to me."

He stared at her for a full minute and she could see him trying to come up with a response, but he couldn't get the words out of his mouth. He rolled over on the couch so only his back faced her. And she let tears silently fall down her face.

That night Derek stayed on the couch again, and Emily dragged an air mattress out and laid on the floor in the living room, managing to get some sleep, too.

The next day was Sunday, and JJ went to Fran's house to be with the kids while Fran came to their house to see Derek. He was sitting on the couch staring into space when Fran walked in the door. Derek stood up, tears in his eyes, and walked upstairs. Fran and Emily heard the sound of the bedroom door closing and the click of the lock. It was the first time Emily thought the word "suicide," that there was the slimmest chance of that. She walked up the stairs after him and stuck a coin in the lock, twisted and opened the door. He was sitting on the edge of the bed crying and everything in her wanted to go and wrap him in her arms.

She approached him and bent to put her arms gently around him and he froze for a few seconds before he took his hands and pulled her arms away from him. "I can't."

She stood and spoke to him firmly. "I love you. If you don't want me to touch you right now, that's fine. If you don't want to talk quite yet, that's fine. But the doors stay open." He stared at her and nodded his head once.

Fran told Emily to go see the kids. She would stay and try and talk to Derek. Serena and Caleb needed her, too.

Emily used every ounce of her ability to compartmentalize on the fifteen minute drive to Fran's house and walked in the door with a smile on her face. She was happy to see them. Caleb, who didn't know to think something was terribly wrong, who thought he was just on an overnight with Nana, ran into her arms and cried out a happy, "Mommy!"

Serena was a different matter. She hugged Emily and then studied her face. "What happened? Nana and JJ just said the same thing you did, that Daddy got hurt, and he would get better. But your face tells me it's a lot worse. He's home, not in a hospital, so it's confusing me." Her young voice was thick with emotion.

JJ took Caleb's hand and said, "Come on, buddy. Let's go finish our puzzles in the other room."

"OK, My JJ," he said happily.

Emily sat next to Serena on the couch and held her hand. "My sweet girl, sometimes people get physically hurt and sometimes they get emotionally hurt. What happened to Daddy with this case has made him very sad. Physically, he has some bruises, but he's going to be okay. Emotionally, it's going to take him some time to heal."

Serena turned herself to sit on Emily's lap, facing her, something she hadn't done in over two years. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She took both of Emily's hands in hers. "I've never seen Daddy really sad. What made him so sad?"

Emily took a deep breath and searched for words. She went for a fraction of the truth. "The way this bad guy hurt people made Daddy think of some bad things that had happened to him when he was younger. Do you remember when you first came to live with us and your feelings were so hurt because of some of the things Sarah did to you that made you feel badly about yourself?"

"Yes, but you and Daddy made me feel better right away. But I can tell by how you look that Daddy's not going to feel better right away, even if we try to help him. Can I see him?"

Emily fought hard against her tears and hugged Serena, "Soon, Baby. But not just yet."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After her visit with the kids, Emily returned home to find Fran sitting silently in the same chair Emily had spent so much time in the past two days, watching Derek's back as he laid on his side on the couch.

Fran stood up and motioned Emily back outside and onto the porch.

"Things can't continue like this, Emily," she said. "He won't talk at all. He won't let you or me touch him. You said he's barely eating. He needs help. You need help, Emily."

"I know," said Emily sadly. "I already thought about it on the drive home. I know a therapist who is good with sexual assault victims and I'm going to call her and have her come here tomorrow. I don't know what else to do. Part of me wants to anchor my body around him and just hold on until he relents, but he's so fragile and I'm afraid to push him. You're right, though, we can't just live like this indefinitely either."

"And Serena and Caleb need to be home. I love them and love having them at my house, but you're a family and Derek needs to remember that. They can't be around him when he's like this, though."

Fran pulled Emily into a hug and Emily wrapped her arms around the woman who had come to mean so much to her these past four years. "I'll get him back, Fran."

That afternoon, after Fran left, Hotch came by. Emily had already briefed him on how Derek was doing. Derek got up from the couch and walked upstairs to the bedroom as soon as Hotch walked in the door. Not one to tiptoe around issues, Hotch went right upstairs and leaned against the bedroom wall, facing Derek.

"We've worked together for over fifteen years, Morgan. You know this isn't how to deal with something like this. You need to talk, you need to work through things, or you're going to get lost. I know you must feel..."

And Derek stood up and shouted, "Don't you even fucking try to tell me how I must feel!"

He stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but then Emily, from her position in the hallway, heard the door knob turn and open slightly. At least he remember that, thought Emily.

Hotch turned to stare at Emily who had watched the scene with tears in her eyes.

"Emily," said Hotch sadly, his own eyes brimming with tears.

"It's more than he's said since this happened. It's something," she said softly.

"Should I stay?" asked Hotch.

"No. Maybe come back tomorrow. Let me see if I can get him to talk now. Then we'll see."

Hotch nodded and left. Emily walked to the bathroom door and pushed it open fully.

Derek was standing with his back against the bathroom wall, head tilted back and eyes closed. Emily walked in and leaned back against the wall next to him, leaving some space between them.

"Honey, you have to talk about this. It doesn't have to be with me or anyone you know. But I can't just sit by and let you wallow in a black hole, waiting for you to guide yourself out. I'm going to have to come in there and hold your hand, and you need to let me. Serena and Caleb need to be able to come home, and we need to figure out a healthy way for you to work through things with them in our lives. There isn't another choice, Derek."

He turned to her; he looked bitter and angry. "You can't even say the word. You're hiding too, Em. You've called it 'this,' 'that,' and 'things.'"

Derek turned to stand in front of her. "Robert Foster held a gun to my head and fucked me and all I kept thinking was 'Don't pull the trigger, I have to get back to Emily!' That's not a thing that we're just going to hold hands and get through! Every time you touch me now, I'm right back in that cave because if it wasn't for you and the kids, I would have wanted him to kill me. And I don't know how to disconnect the two. So don't try your comforting bullshit on me because it's not going to work!"

Derek pulled his hand back and punched a hole in the wall, right near Emily's head, where she was staring at him and crying and shaking. He immediately looked sorry, but he turned away from her and walked out the bathroom door.

Emily took in a shuddering breath and followed him. Halfway down the stairs she saw him grab his keys and wallet from the entry way table. He turned back to look at her, "I'm sorry. I love you, too, Em. Just, please, give me some time."

And he walked out the door.