They moved through the last three weeks of summer, and Emily felt like she had multiple personalities, different people she became based on the time of day and situation.

She was a mother, and she tried hard to keep it together for Caleb and Serena, but despite those efforts, the house became quieter. Even Caleb lost some of his joy, sensing that something was wrong. And he started asking "Where's Daddy?" Emily gave vague, age-appropriate answers that he seemed to accept in the moment. Emily was worried about the day he'd stop asking, though, and when she thought about that, her anger surfaced a little. She wanted a timeline, she wanted a location at least, and Derek had left her with nothing.

The following Monday, when Derek had been gone a full week, Emily decided they needed to get back into their routines, and that helped some. Serena returned to the day camp at her school, a little quieter, but actually looking forward to the distraction of being busy. And Caleb returned to Judy's house a handful of hours a day.

Being out in public around people she knew brought her up short. Judy knew. She didn't know the details, but she lived across the street, she knew based on the newspapers that Derek had been taken hostage and then found, that he was with Robert Foster and she knew based on the articles what that man was capable of. And she knew Derek was gone. She asked where he was and Emily simply said, "He needed some time." Judy being the wonderful person she was, didn't press. She just held back tears and said, "I'm here if you need me."

The parents at school when she dropped Serena off also gave her concerned, sad looks. Emily realized that day that Derek was going to have to overcome a mountain of humiliation to even go out in public when he came home, and the bit of anger she felt towards him waned. She'd want to disappear, too, she realized. And that day, even though she promised herself that she was going to be productive and get back into a routine along with the kids, she went home and wept while she held the picture of them from that first night so many years ago of them dancing and tried to remember to Jacob's words. "Look to the start of your something spectacular and hold on."

Most days, Emily felt like she spent 90% of her energy just pretending to hold on. There wasn't much truly genuine about her actions. It wasn't that she didn't love Serena and Caleb. It was that their family felt shattered without Derek and she didn't know how to pull the pieces together without him.

Her other personality was that of an investigator, because despite the fact she understood that Derek needed some space, she still desperately wanted to just know where he was. She spent her time at the BAU, silently watching Garcia's computer screen as it ran through video feeds of airports, bus terminals and train depots, using facial recognition software to search for Derek's face. And some days Fran joined her, having the same need. But Garcia's computer never beeped. It was fishing for a needle in a haystack and it couldn't find him.

She forgot her other clients, or they let her go. It was another situation where the people she did work for had figured things out. She never had to clear her schedule; they did it for her. She got a lot of, "Call us when you're ready for work again. Call us if you need us," messages.

Except Michelle Stone. She called Emily frequently and Emily let the calls go to voice mail. Emily just couldn't take on another person's worry and sorrow. But one night, after the kids were in bed, there was a knock on the door and it was Michelle. She didn't ask to come in, she didn't stay for long. She handed Emily a sheet of paper and said, "You've almost always worked with women and girls, but I've worked with men who were victims of sexual assault. You need some knowledge and support if you're going to deal with this when Derek comes home. These are good men who run support groups." She hugged Emily and quickly departed.

After that, Emily spent less time watching computer screens trying to catch a glimpse of Derek and started facing some realities. He was going to come home at some point; she needed to know how to deal with that. She spent the time while the kids were in the care of others trying to come to her own terms with things. She started saying the word 'rape' in her head instead of 'this' and 'that.' She talked to the leaders of those support groups and realized shame played such a huge factor in situations like this, much of it centered around if the victims became aroused and ejaculated. She read the crime scene reports and the reports of the team, from when they first arrived on the scene. She felt she had a clearer picture.

She learned that Robert Foster was HIV negative and couldn't believe she was in a situation where such information filled her with such relief.

Her other personality was that of a grieving wife. She allowed herself moments of anger and depression at Derek's absence when the kids were sleeping or when she was driving between the BAU and home. She spent time angry at herself, wishing she'd told Derek years ago to quit when he offered up the option while she was pregnant with Caleb. She was angry at Derek for having gone into that basement in the first place. And she was angry at Goldstone, because there were times she convinced herself that if any other person on the team had gone into that room, they would have put a bullet in Foster's head before he got Derek into that tunnel, regardless of the bullet in his or her shooting arm. But Goldstone was so broken and apologetic himself that it was hard to stay mad. She spent a significant amount of her anger on Robert Foster, wanting to dig him up and shoot him again and again and again. She spent no time in denial; she knew this was real. She refused to get to acceptance, because that would have meant letting go. She imagined she could have spent ample time bargaining, but there was no one to bargain with. This couldn't be undone.

And finally there was her dream self. The woman who spent time after the kids were in bed fighting with herself between sleep and wakefulness. The dreams were excruciatingly painful and wonderful at the same time. She'd spend time fighting sleep to try and avoid the pain that came after, but then she'd relax and have a dream, and she'd wake up almost thinking Derek was right there next to her in bed, heart beating fast with happiness, only to have reality dawn and realize he was gone. After a dream, she couldn't sleep. She was averaging three or four hours of sleep each night.

The team was there, frequently. Not as a large, happy group, but as individuals who just wanted to be there for Emily, who would try to bring some happiness back into their home. They'd play the game and stay until the kids were asleep, and then hold Emily's hand and cry with her. In their own ways, they were all broken. No one ever tried to say too much, each at a loss of words for this mess. They just absorbed the sorrow together.

Serena's school year started, and shortly after, the anniversary of her adoption day. Emily asked Serena if she wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate and Serena stared at Emily for several seconds before answering, "I'll wait until Daddy's home." And that was the moment when Emily realized the spark had gone out of Serena's eyes. That spark that Emily swore her and Derek would keep in them forever.

That night she dreamed about that day at Kinship House, after Emily decided she wanted to bring Serena home, and Derek showed up like a knight in shining armor who was going to rescue them all with his immense love, humor and understanding. She got to the point in the dream where Derek had Serena in his arms and pulled Past Emily in for a hug. But when Present Emily tried to join in, they all disappeared.

Less than two weeks after that, Caleb's birthday arrived and they had a small, family celebration at home with just Fran. Emily didn't expect contact from Derek at that point. She knew that Derek knew the moment he reached out, Garcia would be on him like wildfire. But having two celebrations back to back with no contact made Emily's anger rise to the surface. All of those times he'd talked about the grief of having a father who wasn't there, and Derek was now the one who wasn't there. And Emily understood on most levels, but she was still mad.

That night, she dreamed about the first night Caleb was home with them, when Emily was so tired she could barely stand it, and how when Caleb woke that night, Derek would roll Emily to her side, would bring Caleb to her, would gently adjust her breast, would help Caleb latch on, would touch her face while she nursed him and tell her how amazing she was, would change and burp him and get him back to sleep, and then he'd crawl in bed and wrap his arms around her, and whisper words of love and adoration. But when Present Emily tried to touch his face to thank him, he disappeared.

It was that night that Emily came to the realization that the longer Derek was gone, the harder it was going to be for him to come home. He may be thinking and healing, but he'd be compounding his guilt for being away. The longer he was gone, the less likely it was he would be able to convince himself that it was okay to return.

After that, Emily decided she needed more sleep to cope with day to day of life in an effective way, because she was starting to look like an absolute stranger to herself in the mirror. She'd lost a few pounds, which was significant on her. She had red rimmed eyes almost constantly. She looked exhausted. She needed to bring laughter and normalcy back into their home, Derek or no Derek. She wasn't letting go, she wasn't anywhere close to letting go. But she needed to compartmentalize and do what she could for the two people who were actually there and needed her; Serena and Caleb.

She got a prescription for sleeping pills from her doctor, which effectively cut the dreams off. She started reminding herself to eat more. She stopped allowing herself time to cry as much. She refocused her energies on Serena and Caleb. She revamped the Russian lessons with Serena. She started playing more with Caleb instead of watching him play. And over the next few weeks, their home started taking on a different feel. They were happier, but it was a mirage, too: Caleb was definitely happier; Emily and Serena knew it was fake as hell. But they faked it well for Caleb's sake for a few more weeks.

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It as October 9th, a few days before Emily's birthday. She'd put Caleb to bed after living through yet another Daddy Book. She'd read with Serena for a bit and snuggled with her, but Serena was unusually quiet, even for how things were now. Emily came downstairs to the couch and stared into nothingness, thinking, "I'm so fucked if this is what my life is going to be forever. I'm back to living a half-life." A little bit of her was starting to give up on Derek, when she could swallow past her tears and hurt and fear and love to admit it.

Emily heard Serena on the stairs and watched their little girl come and sit on the ottoman, facing Emily and surveying her for a moment. Serena didn't look little anymore. It wasn't that she'd grown that much in the past couple of months; it was the look on her face that made Emily feel like Serena was years older than she had been in August.

"We were doing paper mache at Lexi's house today," said Serena softly. "We needed more newspaper and my hands were the least messy, so I went down to get more from the basement, where her parents keep stacks of old papers for fire starters in the winter."

Serena reached behind her into the waistband of her pajama pants and pulled out a torn rectangle of newsprint, unfolding it so Emily could see. Emily immediately started crying. It was the article that ran on the front page of the Washington Post after Derek was found; Derek's picture and Foster's side by side. There was little mention in the article about Derek except that he was injured but in good condition. But the article contained a myriad of horrors about Foster, and Emily gasped hard trying to overcome the feeling that every bit of innocence they'd tried to maintain for Serena was gone.

Emily looked at Serena, who also had tears dripping down her face. "I had to look some words up in the dictionary. It doesn't matter, Mommy. What matters is that I don't think Daddy is going to come home on his own. I think you have to go get him. You have to find him before he forgets to remember about us."

Emily sobbed and reached forward to wrap her arms around Serena, who immediately returned the hug. "My sweet girl, I don't know where he is. We've tried looking, we really have."

"I think he would want you to be able to find him, even if he didn't think he did, Mommy," Serena whispered.

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That night, after Emily got Serena settled in bed, after she'd gently touched Serena's face and sent out a multitude of silent apologies to the universe that their eight year old likely understood words like sodomy and rape, after Serena was asleep, Emily went to their bedroom. She thought about what Serena had said. She skipped the sleeping pill. She sank into her pillow and let the dreams come.

It was Saturday, October 12, 2013.

Present Emily set the stage for the dream to give it context: Emily had been in Aberdeen, Scotland leading seminars at a conference that week, and her last session ended on Friday morning. Derek flew in that day to stay for the weekend to celebrate Emily's birthday. They spent over twenty four hours in bed, making love, ordering room service, watching movies.

After a late dinner on the evening of October 12, while Derek was in the bathroom, Emily peeked out the curtains in the hotel room and noticed the amazingly clear skies. She returned to the bed and grabbed her phone, researching.

Derek returned to the bed and smiled. "What are you up to, Em? You have a silly grin on your face."

She smiled back at him, "Want to see something really amazing?"

He laughed and looked her up and down, "I thought I already was."

She laughed, too, and leaned forward to kiss him. "Seriously. Trust me. Come for a drive with me and I'll blow your mind. I promise."

They drove north for an hour, Derek asking her what they were up to and Emily not answering. Emily pushed the speed a bit, wanting to get to Fraserburgh before the show started, hoping the show would actually start; it should, based on the clear skies and what happened in the atmosphere in the past twenty-four hours.

Emily found a secluded pull-off with a gentle hillside that faced the ocean and turned to smile at Derek. "Do you know yet?" she asked with a grin.

"All I know is that it's freezing and based on what you packed, I'm thinking we're going to be outside."

"I'll keep you warm. Come on."

Emily got out of the car and grabbed her bag from the back. Derek watched while she unpacked three hotel towels and laid them on the ground. She pulled out the hotel comforter that was stuffed in her bag and grinned at him, "Come lay down."

Derek raised an eyebrow and laid on one of the towels. Emily laid beside him, snuggling in close and pulled the comforter over them.

"Stargazing?" Derek asked. "It's an amazing night for it."

"No. Just hold me and wait. It shouldn't be long now."

Derek was silent for a few seconds. "Aurora Borealis?"

Emily nodded. "Just wait, Derek."

Green-blue streaks appeared in the sky a few minutes later that got brighter and brighter. Derek gasped.

Emily was so happy they could share this. It was rare that the clouds would part in this area of Scotland at this time of year. She linked her fingers with his while they both looked up in awe.

"There's an old Inuit legend about the Labradorite stone and Aurora Borealis," said Emily. "In the legend, the Northern Lights had disappeared and a warrior was sent to find them. He searched for over a year before finding the Labradorite stone with a bit of light shining from it. He broke the stone and the northern lights burst back into the sky. They say a bit remained in the stone, and that's why Labradorite has healing powers, from the lights of Aurora Borealis."

Derek continued to look up in wonder and said, "How could you not believe that something that contained all of that amazing light could heal you?" He turned his head to look at Emily, who turned to face him. "It's still not the most amazing sight around, though." he said.

Emily smiled at him and reached to touch his cheek.

And Present Emily reached out to put her hand on Derek's shoulder and, for the first time, she felt him solidly underneath her hand.

In their bedroom, Emily's eyes snapped open and she gasped for breath. Serena was right. She knew where he was.

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Author's Note: Just realized that this chapter might be confusing to those who hadn't read my other stories. Fata Morgana takes place in the future, based on what happened in Labyrinthine. That memory from Scotland was mentioned in that story briefly, but now we're well into the future from that. ;-)