JJ sat on the edge of Emily's bed, still in her pajamas, watching Emily quickly throw clothes in a duffel bag and explain. It was a little after 5:00am, and JJ had rushed over when Emily called her. They spoke in hushed whispers so the Serena and Caleb could keep sleeping.
"So you're going to Scotland based on a dream?" asked JJ in disbelief.
"I know it sounds crazy, but I know he's there. I'm getting on standby for the 7:30 flight to London this morning. I'll pay someone for their seat if I have to. And then I'll figure out the rest once I'm there."
"Em," whispered JJ. "Don't you think it would be better to let Garcia put some feelers out first, see if she can find him? It's after 10:00 in the morning there. Places are open that she can call."
"No," said Emily, shaking her head. "I could probably find him with a few phone calls. He's likely the only black man in a relatively small town in Scotland, Jayje. But I don't want anyone to tip him off that someone was calling about him. I'm afraid he'll run again before I can get there."
"And I'm afraid that if he's not there you're going to be in the middle of nowhere with no one to support you through that heartache."
Emily looked at JJ and considered that outcome for a second. "He's there. I know it."
"And what if he's not happy to see you? What if he won't come back? Emily, you're barely hanging on now," JJ said sadly.
Emily blinked back tears. "I have to find him. I don't think he's going to come home on his own. I think at this point he has too much guilt for being away so long, for missing so much, for disappearing in the first place. He's probably at the point where he's trying to not think about us so he doesn't have to feel that guilt, and if he goes too far down that road, I'm afraid he won't ever come back." Emily zipped up her bag and faced JJ.
JJ sighed with tears in her eyes. "Ok, Em. But you be good to yourself and you call me if you need me. I'll steal the jet if I have to, and I'll be there."
Emily stepped forward and wrapped JJ in a hug, "There isn't a word in the universe that's been created for what you mean to me, Jennifer Jareau. I love you."
"I love you, too. You remind me every day that love really can conquer anything. Make him remember that, Em." JJ whispered, believing now in Emily's convictions that Derek was in Fraserburgh and just needed to be guided home.
Emily quietly stepped into Caleb's room and pressed a gentle kiss to their wonderful little boy's forehead. He didn't stir. He'd be okay while she was gone; he'd have his JJ, and a myriad of other family to take care of him. Faith, she reminded herself.
When she went into Serena's room, she nudged her beautiful daughter awake. Serena's eyes came open immediately, wide and alert. "You found him?" Serena asked.
Emily used more caution with Serena, for the same reason she'd called JJ instead of Fran. She could deal with it on the off chance she was wrong, but she didn't want them to have to. "Maybe, Serena. I'm not sure. I hope so. I think he might be in Scotland. I'm going to go and see. JJ will take you to school today and she'll arrange for someone to pick you up if she can't do it herself, probably Penelope or Spencer or Nana will come stay with you and your brother for the weekend. I love you, my amazing, sweet girl. I'll call you as soon as I know, I promise."
Serena sat up in her bed and whispered, "Wait, Mommy. I just need a minute."
Emily watched Serena go to her desk. She grabbed a post-it note and wrote something, she put it on the cover of a notebook, and then she disappeared with the notebook like a flash down the stairs, returning less than a minute later with a thick manila envelope with the word, "Daddy" on the front of it.
"For Daddy first, okay? You'll know when to give it to him," she told Emily. Then Serena wrapped her arms around Emily's waist.
"I love you, Serena," Emily said in a whisper, with tears falling down her face. "Thank you. I think I was starting to forget to remember myself."
Serena looked up into Emily's eyes. "Tu amor vale mas que millones de estrellas."
Your love is worth more than a million stars.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Emily did have to buy her way onto that early-morning flight to London. She surveyed the stragglers in the security line and approached a young man apparently traveling alone, with a backpack and headphones in his ears. She offered him the cost of any transfer fees to a later flight, $100 cash and anything he wanted in the gift shop.
Once on board the flight, Emily acknowledged that she'd likely end up in Fraserburgh late at night local time, and if she found Derek, it would be a long night in front of her after that. She was shaking in anticipation and just wanted to be alert and at her best when she found him. She allowed herself half of a sleeping pill and slept soundly the majority of the flight.
When she landed in London, she managed to get on a connecting flight to Aberdeen without having to buy a ticket off someone. She landed at 9:50 local time to a cloudy, cool, misty sky. She grabbed a map of Fraserburgh from the Aberdeen airport. She rented a car. She took the hour-long drive to come to reality: Though she might want to throw her body around his, he wouldn't want that. She would have to follow his lead. She just needed to get in the door; she needed to take all she knew of human behavior, all she knew of him, and read his expressions and just get in the door. That was the first, critical step.
Emily also decided to hold back whatever was in Serena's envelope for a bit. Emily would use it if she needed it, but she'd rather wait until Derek decided he wanted to come home first, or at least was approaching that thought. What she didn't want for Serena was the knowledge that Emily had given Derek the envelope and Derek still didn't come home.
When she came up on the outskirts of town, it was approaching 11:00pm. Her choices were limited at that hour: police or a pub. It was Friday and she knew from living in London that most pubs closed in the smaller towns at 11:00, sometimes midnight on a weekend. She banked on the pub, looked at the map, shot for a pub on the outskirts of town, knowing Derek wouldn't have likely been hanging out in the center of things.
And finding him was both easier and more heart-wrenching than she initially thought.
She saw a man locking the doors of the small pub on the edge of town, and Emily jumped out of her rental car and approached him.
"Sorry, we're closed, Lass," he said in his friendly accent when he saw her.
Emily let everything go. Everything about doing this while acting like an agent, or a grieving sibling or any other option that would have presented itself to her if she wanted to hide who she was in order to get what she needed. She went for herself.
She handed the man Derek's picture with tears in her eyes. "I'm looking for him. Have you seen him?"
The man looked at Emily's hopeful and teary eyes and took a glance down at Emily's hand, taking in the engagement and wedding ring on her finger. Emily could see him debating for a sliver of a second while studying her.
Being herself paid off.
The barkeep put a gentle hand on Emily's shoulder. "Sky Man. That's what we call him around here. Yes, I know him. He's a gentle, quiet man. Sad, actually. At least to me. Doesn't talk much. He comes around almost every night, has a beer, asks after Aurora, but she's been elusive this fall. Sky Man keeps a strange schedule, looking out for the lights in the sky, up all night and sleeps during the day from what we gather. The neighbors say the lights are on all night, anyway. He's up on Bawdley Head living in a cottage while he renovates it for a family that lives in Aberdeen."
Emily laughed through her tears. "Really?"
"Really, my lovely lass. It's just a short bit away from here. I'll show you."
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Emily pulled in front of the cottage on Bawdley Head. The lights were on. She could see a shadow of movement inside the house. Trembling, she walked her way to the front porch and peeked in the window.
And there he was, and Emily felt like she might faint. Earbuds in his ear, painting. He'd stopped shaving and looked burly. He looked healthy, like he'd been physically active. But Emily could see underneath it all: Derek was barely hanging on as much as she was, waiting for healing lights.
He was beautiful. He was hers and she was there and he was there, and that's all that mattered.
Emily knocked on the door, but he didn't hear over the music in his ears. She reached and turned the knob, which opened; this wasn't the place where someone worried about locked doors.
She never knew whether it was a sound, or a vibration of her feet on the floor, or simply feeling her energy in the room, but Derek turned his body to face her. He removed his earbuds. Shock, fear, longing, love, worry, embarrassment, guilt and shame all flashed across face as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"How?" he whispered.
And Emily, trying to maintain control of her own tears enough to be able to speak, whispered back, "I dreamed about us every night, but I could never touch you. But then I dreamed about this place and you were there and I could feel you and I knew."
Derek let the tears come fully as he took her in, a slightly broken version of the Emily he knew. All she wanted to do was wrap him in her arms, but she knew he needed to make that first move or this could all implode in her face.
Tears in her eyes, she asked, "Can I help you paint?"
And Derek gave her a very, very small half-smile, but it was there.
And he turned and walked across the room and bent to pick up a paintbrush.
He walked back to hand the handle of the brush toward her while he held on to the bristles.
And Emily reached out, she grabbed the handle, and for a moment they were both connected by that inanimate object.
And, to Emily, it felt just as good as the thousands of touches they'd shared over the years.
She was in.