That first week Derek was home was a series of trial by fire meetings of all of the important people in their lives. He was determined to face everything he feared facing, the encounters that he worried would embarrass or humiliate him, and come out standing tall on the other side.
They kept Serena home from school that Tuesday, just to spend time together as a family and start putting their lives back together. That morning, Caleb and Serena were still both deliriously happy that Derek was just home. He played with them while Emily sat at the kitchen counter drinking coffee and thinking about the matter of Derek's car; there was no insurance contingency for giving one's car away to criminals for parts in exchange for a new identity. In the end, she opened her laptop, got online, transferred the money still owed on the car out of their savings account and into their checking, and then made an online payment for the balance in full. Derek came in the kitchen at that point and saw what she was doing. He put his hands gently on her shoulders, sighing deeply.
"I'm sorry, Em," he said quietly.
Emily stood from her chair and kissed him. "I'm going to get a squirt bottle and use it on you every time you say you're sorry," she said with a smirk. "It's done, Derek. Let's jut let it go. Besides, we both like car shopping."
He laughed quietly and shook his head at her. Then he looked over his shoulder to make sure Serena and Caleb were still in the living room before wrapping his arms around Emily and giving her a long kiss that sent her heart racing.
"Or you could do that every time you say you're sorry," she whispered once he released her and she caught her breath.
Derek chuckled, "That works for me." He reached for his phone on the counter. "I've thought about it and I can't see the team all at once. I'm going to text Hotch and invite him to stop by this evening. I want to thank him for the plane. He's going to be the hardest one of all of them to see, and he's going to know right away that I'm not planning to come back. He probably already knows. I want that out in the open as soon as possible so I feel like I can move forward."
Emily once again noticed that look on Derek's face; confidence on the surface, and shame and embarrassment just underneath that. She put a reassuring arm around him while he sent the text. Hotch responded within a few seconds saying he'd be there.
That morning they went to an art store and purchased frames for Serena's pictures. They spent some time hanging the ones from the sketchbook in the hallway upstairs, and they put the larger picture of Emily and Derek and Aurora Borealis in the bedroom on the wall by the door, so they could always remember.
That afternoon, they went for a walk as a family to the park near their house and on the way back, they saw Judy in her front yard.
"Judy!" Caleb exclaimed. "Daddy's here!"
Judy smiled warmly and walked across the street towards them. Emily reached out and took Derek's hand, giving it a squeeze.
"It's good to see you, Derek. Welcome home," Judy said in her usual, kind voice.
Derek smiled at her, "It's good to be home."
Judy nodded and bent down to pick Caleb up and give him a hug.
"We'll start back to our regular routine with the kids tomorrow if that's okay," said Emily.
"Did you hear that, Caleb? I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning!" said Judy with a smile. She set Caleb down, gave Emily a pat on the arm and smiled again at Derek. "I'm glad you're home. I better get inside and help the kids with the daily homework grind. See you tomorrow!"
Derek exhaled deeply when she walked away. Emily saw Serena, who had quietly watched the whole exchange, come to understand that that simple exchange had been difficult for Derek. She reached out and took his other hand.
"Do you remember that one day last fall when you picked me up from school and we came home and found Judy and Caleb in her front yard, jumping in piles of leaves and we ran across the street and joined them?" Serena asked.
Derek smiled at Serena, "Yes, I do."
"Do you remember when I was five and playing with Ella at the pool and we wanted you to pretend to be mermaids with us and you did? And Mommy and Judy couldn't stop giggling."
Derek chuckled, "I remember that."
"Judy remembers all of that, too, Daddy."
And with that, Derek was grounded back into the present, and Emily was left once again to marvel at Serena's uncanny ability to read a situation and say or do exactly the right thing.
They had a nice dinner together that evening and Derek tried to stay focused on the present as he helped put the kids to bed, instead of worrying about seeing Hotch, who said he'd be by around 8:30. They'd talked about this a few times over the past couple of days, how for the people who knew the whole story, he felt like they'd only be thinking about how he looked when they found him in that cave and the details of the crime scene report, which made those details come to the forefront of his mind. JJ didn't make him feel like that as much as he feared the male members of the team would.
By 8:20, Derek was sitting on the couch, looking paranoid and like he was on the verge of tears. Emily bent in front of him and gently took his face in her hands. She pressed soft kisses on his face and lips. "Derek," she whispered, "He's one of your closest friends. I promise you all he's going to be thinking about when he gets here is how good it is to see you. Trust him."
When Derek opened the door to Hotch's knock, there was a brief moment of silence between the two men before Hotch walked into the house. And Derek, because he just needed to get it out, said, "I'm not coming back to work."
Emily blinked back tears at the abruptness and reality of those words. And Hotch, wonderful Hotch, gave Derek a brief, firm hug before he stepped back to face Derek. "I know. I understand. We can take care of the official paperwork whenever you're ready. It's just good to see you. Have any beer? There's a baseball game on."
Derek smiled at him and nodded. It was an exchange that lasted less than a minute, but Emily could actually see a massive amount of stress lifting from Derek's shoulders in the look on his face and the way he held his body.
"Want a beer, Em?" he asked as he walked towards the kitchen.
"Sure."
When Derek was out of view, Hotch looked at Emily and she could see him holding back tears, too, at losing his colleague, at the whole awful situation.
"Are you coming back for your ten hours a week?" he asked Emily quietly.
"I don't know. I'm not sure I can make it work. It depends what Derek ends up wanting to do," she said.
Hotch nodded and they both quickly gathered themselves before Derek returned to the room, handing out beers.
During the game, Hotch and Derek talked more, getting out sentences and taking ample breaks between. It wasn't awkward or embarrassing for Derek, she could see that on his face. It was just heavy. But he and Hotch moved through the things they both needed to say. Derek thanked him for sending the plane, he apologized for yelling at Hotch that night back in August. Hotch apologized for what he felt was an epic fuck up on his part, letting Derek go into that basement room in the first place. They quieted for quite a bit after that and then they started talking about some of their better cases together. And finally, they laughed together.
Emily just sat back and took it in with a smile on her face and relief in her heart. She knew Derek would never leave again, but she had been fearful that a bad interaction could send Derek spiraling into depression. She needed to remember to trust the team, too. And Derek himself, who seemed to be gaining more internal strength each day.
When Hotch left that night, Derek turned off the lights downstairs. He took Emily's hand and guided her up the stairs and into their bedroom. As soon as she stepped into the room, he reached behind her and pushed the door closed, flipping the lock on the door. He backed her up so she was leaning against the door.
"Booyah. That's what you called it on that video on your computer," she said with a grin.
Derek smiled, "I think I said, 'I'm sorry,' twice tonight, even though it wasn't directed at you. You didn't squirt me with a squirt bottle, so I'm thinking you've agreed to the rule that I have to kiss you like crazy after apologizing?"
"Definitely," she breathed out.
His lips were on her and he tasted like beer and happiness. There was nothing tentative about this, nothing questioning. His three biggest hurdles had been overcome; she still looked at him the same as always, the kids were just happy he was home and didn't seem to have any lasting effects from his absence, and he'd told Hotch he was leaving the FBI. In his kisses and the way his hands moved confidently over her body, she felt hopefulness radiating from within him.
He quickly pulled her shirt over her head, then he took care of his own. He unhooked her bra and slid it off her body. He pressed himself against her, pressing her back into the bedroom door. He linked his fingers with hers and brought her arms up above her head, leaving his left hand linked with her fingers and keeping her arms in place and sliding his right hand down her arm, tickling the side of her breast before coming to a rest on her waist.
"Now, don't you go making a lot of noise and wake up the kids, Em."
She nodded and his lips were on hers again briefly before kissing a blazing path over to her ear and down her neck. He used his free hand to lift her breast. and bent his head lick her nipple. She whimpered and tried to pull her arms down, wanting to touch him, too. She could feel him smile against her skin and for a moment, she was shocked into the reality that this was totally, completely Derek. She didn't think she'd get this back so soon, and the fact that she had increased her level of excitement exponentially. She stopped trying to pull her arms down and let him drive her crazy with his lips and tongue, all the while trying to contain the volume of the sounds coming from her.
After another minute of pure, delicious torture, her knees actually gave a bit. Derek stood up straight again and put his arm around her waist, lifting her to standing again. He looked at her face, at her eyes and the flush in her cheeks and chest and her heavy breathing, and he gave her a satisfied smile. She couldn't believe she was at this stage of the game and they both still had their pants on. It was going to be very hard to keep going and stay quiet.
He kissed her again and reached his hand to quickly release the button and zipper on her jeans. Then, before she could take a breath or even contemplate a way to gain a bit of an upper hand or composure, his fingers were under the waistband of her underwear and touching her. He swallowed her rather loud moan with his mouth and she felt like she was going to burn up from his touch. He knew her so well, knew exactly how to touch her; she was so close anyway. He released her arms so he could use his other hand to keep her standing and reveled in the look on her face as she gripped his back tightly and quietly moaned and sighed out yeses and started to shake around him. Derek moved his hand from around her waist and brought it up to her lips, to remind her to watch the volume, as he watched her completely fall apart.
When she stilled, he pressed gently kisses to her forehead while she stood there trying to catch her breath and control her racing heartbeat.
"I love you, Emily," he whispered.
"I love you, too," she replied with her eyes still closed. She grinned and opened her eyes to catch his. "My turn."
Emily quickly kicked off her own pants before stripping Derek of his. He was just as excited as she was. She pushed him back towards the bed until he flopped backwards, scooting back a bit towards the pillows. Emily crawled over his body and Derek grabbed her hips, trying to get her in the position he wanted. But she removed his hands from her hips and kissed him. "My turn," she repeated.
She kissed a quick path down his body and took him in her mouth. He hissed and loosely wound his fingers in her hair. She moved slowly, not wanting this to be over too soon, but still it wasn't long before Derek was whimpering, "Em," tugging on her head lightly, trying to make her stop. She debated for a fraction of a second. A part of her wanted to just keep going, but a larger part of her wanted to see his face, to do this from start to finish with their eyes on each other, with just passion and no tears.
Emily released him and moved back up his body, straddling him, adjusting herself and sinking down on him as they both moaned quietly. His eyes were on hers, and he grabbed her hips to keep her still for a few seconds, trying to regain some control. He took a deep breath and gave her a grin, nodding his head and releasing her hips, moving them to her breasts instead. Emily started moving and she wasn't slow about it now. She was right back on the verge of orgasm herself in an instant, just seeing that genuine Derek look on his face. She could see him trying to hold back, in that mindset of wanting to drive her crazy. She leaned forward and placed her hands on his chest. "Together," she whispered.
He looked at her and nodded and let go; Emily toppled over the edge with him, finding his lips and trying to muffle the noises they were each making. She collapsed on him, scooting back a bit to rest her head on his chest and listen to his frantically beating heart. It wasn't long until she felt and heard him laughing quietly.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm just happy, Em," he replied while running his hands gently through her hair.
On Wednesday, Derek went with Emily to drop Serena off at school, tackling another hurdle. He wanted to see her classroom and meet her teacher, something he'd missed at the beginning of the school year. There was a large crowd of parents with concerned and curious stares tossed his way. But Michelle Stone was there, too, and she struck a nice balance to things. She was happy to see Derek, and he knew her well. She didn't shy away from asking him where he'd been, and Emily and Derek quickly understood it wasn't because she was trying to pry; she was trying to keep a quiet conversation going. Michelle placed her body between the other parents and Derek and blocked most of their stares from his eyes. She drew out of him stories about Fraserburgh and Aurora Borealis and the longer they kept up a normal conversation, the more people lost interest. These were kind people at Serena's school. But they were people who read the paper, and then saw Derek completely absent and assumed the worst. His normal conversation in front of them lead them to believe they'd assumed too much, and they got back to their usual behavior.
Derek explored Serena's classroom and met her teacher with a smile on his face; another hurdle handled and another positive outcome.
That afternoon, they met Penelope, Reid and Rossi for lunch near Quantico. Goldstone was away with his old team, following up on a past case for a few days. Derek knew he needed to touch base with Goldstone, but it wasn't an emergent need. Byron Goldstone was a nice man, but he wasn't at the core of their daily functioning the way the rest of the team was. Being out in public helped make things feel less intense, and Garcia, to her ever loving credit, did not break down and cry. She acted like she always did, and Emily appreciated the Herculean effort that must have taken.
That afternoon, they picked Henry up from school after they got Serena, so the two of them could play like they usually did in the afternoons. And that evening, Derek saw Will, and their interaction was pretty similar to how it had always been, aside from those first few minutes. Derek invited Will and Henry to join them for dinner, and JJ met them at the house a bit later. And it was like it always was, a lot of comfort and laughter.
After dinner, as JJ was getting ready to leave, she gave Derek a hug. "Hotch told us about you not coming back. I already knew. I think we all did. I want you to know that you're like a brother to me and I love you. I understand, Derek. And nothing's going to change with us. I mean, where would the two of you be without me and my sarcasm anyway?"
Both Derek and Emily laughed with tears in their eyes. Derek hugged JJ tighter and said, "I love you, too, JJ. You are a vital part of our lives. Nothing is going to change in that regard."
Between the positive outcomes at the school and with the team, Derek felt like he was ready to make a call to one of the therapists Emily had spoken to in August. They both knew there was no totally brushing what had happened under the rug and Derek needed to have an outlet to process with other than Emily. The one man he related to best got him in for an appointment the next day and when the time came, Emily asked Derek if he wanted her to drive him, but he told her that he really felt like he needed to do this one on his own.
Emily was nervous that next morning while Derek was at his appointment. He had her car and it was the first time he'd been out without her since coming home. She tried to keep herself busy, touching base with the attorneys she felt most comfortable with. She wasn't ready to have a conversation with Michelle about full-time work yet. It just felt like a massive change that wasn't necessary at the time. They could keep going for awhile and she wanted Derek settled before she made a major career change. She was sitting in the den in her favorite chair, her feet on the ottoman, on the phone with another attorney about some potential cognitive interviews for the next week when Derek came home and walked into the den. Emily quickly got off the phone.
Derek moved her legs so there was space for him and sat down, leaning back and resting his head against against her chest. He wasn't crying, he was just quiet. Emily wrapped her arms around him and kissed his head.
"He's not quite sure what to do with me," said Derek quietly.
"What do you mean?" asked Emily.
"Most of the men he sees and the ones in his support group are a wasteland of break-ups, separation or divorce. They feel isolated without the friends or loved ones they had in the past. I don't have that. He asked about our relationship and he couldn't believe how well we were doing. Like completely could not believe it. But I liked him, and there are things I want to talk with him about. He took in everything I told him and said to come back next week and we could start over."
"I'm glad you liked him. As far as him not quite knowing what to do with you, remember we don't do average anything."
Derek laughed at that and leaned against Emily more solidly. They spent the next couple of hours talking about all of the things he could do for work, about how he could make construction more fulfilling. But the ideas they came up with didn't really yield much of an income when all was said and done. In the end, Derek decided he would at least start filling out the paperwork for an official contractor's license and they'd see how that all panned out.
On Friday, Emily went with Derek to Quantico and held his hand as he walked through the building, up the elevator and into the BAU. She hovered outside Hotch's office, avoiding the glances of the team as Derek signed his resignation papers and turned in his gun and his badge.
Derek came out of the office with red rimmed eyes, followed by Hotch. The team was gathered around one of the desks in the bullpen, and they didn't cry. Emily didn't know how; she was on the verge of tears herself, barely able to swallow, and she was the one who could hold her tears back best. She linked her fingers with Derek's and they walked down the steps to the bullpen floor.
Derek took a deep breath and addressed them all. "Dinners at our house on Sundays. And if you're on a case on Sunday, we'll find a night later in the week. You're our family and always will be and we love you all."
And though they all teared up at that point, they didn't move to embrace him or prolong this, sensing he didn't want that. They smiled and agreed that Sunday dinners together sounded perfect.
Derek nodded and squeezed Emily's hand. They headed towards the elevator and both glanced over their shoulder at the group gathered. Their family, who Derek wasn't leaving. He was just moving forward and he and Emily would take them all with them into the next chapter of their lives.