Al's POV
I don't sleep for the longest time.
Instead, I lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling, pondering what I'm going to do in the morning. I can't believe that I almost ended my life last night, but I also wonder if I will regret not doing it later. How will I ever be able to live with my self, knowing what terrible things I have done and having the image of her terrified eyes permanently stuck in my mind? My vision becomes blurry as tears fill my eyes and run down my face. They burn my cheeks as if they are like hot tar and, my body shakes violently as I sob as quietly as I can. I am sick of crying, but it is the only thing I can do right now. I cry until I fall into a very light sleep.
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I'm standing at the railing of the chasm. I feel the mist of the water on my face as it calls for me to come closer and closer. I walk forward, each step easier to take than the last. One more step. That's all it will take to end my grief. I jump. I'm falling towards my death at fast rate. Falling closer and closer to the end.
Falling...
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I wake with a gasp. I realize that I am alive and breathing in the dorms. It's about 6:00-no one is awake yet. I still see that Tris is not in her bed. Could she be in the infirmary? If she's mortally wounded, then it's all my fault. It's my fault if she doesn't make it in to Dauntless. It's my fault that she's the new Edward.
As the other initiates wake up, I slowly creep in to the bathroom, not wanting them to see me. After a few minuets everyone has left but me. I can't bear to show my face a breakfast-especially if Tris is there. I also would die of embarrassment from the other initiates because they would be able to read the shame in my expression as if it were branded on my forehead. Peter and Drew were already known for their malicious behavior towards the other initiates, especially towards Tris, but me? People are going to be shocked that I was involved in this. I feel even worse now that I realize that I've let so many people down.
I decide not to go to training today. I've already pretty much failed everything in training and am clearly not going to pass initiation, so whats the difference if I miss one day?
Depression takes over my body as I sit alone in the dorms for countless hours, each one going by slower than the last. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, forget the events of last night. They are like boulders that I will always have to carry on my shoulders and will always weigh me down.
I wonder if it would be harder to face training today or face the emptiness of being alone. I do not want to have to face the Tris and the other initiates, or being bullied by Peter. But I also can not stand sitting here all alone, for I have felt this way ever since I joined Dauntless; now more than ever. I suppose that makes me even more of a coward.
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The initiates come pouring in through the door. I have no choice but to come out of hiding. As I walk towards my bed, Christina gives me a look filled with disappointment. I catch a glimpse of Tris, and am relieved that she wasn't injured too badly, but I still do not forgive myself for what I have done. Despite the nasty bruise on her cheek, she still shines bright-her flame has not gone out yet.
I can't act like this didn't happen any longer. I must do something, even if it doesn't work. I use up the minuscule amount of courage I have left and walk over to Tris.
"Can I talk to you?" I say has my voice cracks. I can already feel the tears charging towards my eyes, and I can't hold them back.
"Are you kidding? You don't get to come near her ever again." Will says as he grabs Tris' shoulders protectively.
"I won't hurt you. I never wanted to." The tears are pouring out of my eyes and streaming down my face. I cover it with my hands-I can't stand fro Tris to see me like this. "I just want to say that I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what's wrong with me. I...please forgive me, please..." I say in between sobs. I reach out for her because I want to touch her-to show her that I am not the monster that she saw last night. But I know that I can't do that, so I pull back.
"Stay away from me. Never come near me again." She says and looks right in to my eyes. I almost have to look away, for I cannot bear to see them when they are filled with fear rather than their usual beauty and curiosity.
"If you do, I swear to God I will kill you, you coward." she says coldly, leaving me with the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.
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I walk through the halls like a drone. Her words play back in my head over and over again haunting me when ever I close my eyes. I walk around not paying attention to where I am going and I stop when I hear the roaring water of the chasm. I step closer and closer until I am standing at the railing.
Is this really what my life has come down to? I have a choice. I can go on living, probably factionless and have to spend every day remembering all of the terrible things I have done. Or, I can choose to end all that right here. Right now.
When I chose Dauntless, I thought I would be come braver, that I would not be labeled as a coward. But who was I kidding? Even Tris sees me as a coward now. How does one live, when they know that the only person they care for does not even want to go near them? I have failed at life. Game over. I don't see a difference in ending it now than later.
I grab the slippery railing, and lean over. It's a long way to the bottom, but I don't care. Soon it will all be over and I will not feel a thing. No more pain, no more misery, no more cowardice. No more. A huge tear rolls down my cheek, and I realize that this is the last tear I will ever shed. I take a deep breath and hold it-,my final breath, and jump.
I am falling just like in my dream, only it's reality. Falling nearer and nearer to my death, I and I seem to forget almost everything. But I do know one thing: I will never die as anyone's hero, or as a person who was known for their bravery.
I am truly a coward.
Author's note: So that concludes my story. I hope you liked it! Thank you so much for reading as well as your generous reviews! :)