This chapter really gets in Toms head so I hope you like it. I'm really happy with it, but would love some input as to how you guys think it is going :)

Chapter 5

… Self-inflicted Amnesia …

Hanson woke up to the maddening sound of his alarm going off. He felt like the noise was driving a nail into his skull. As he attempted to sit up a wave of nausea swept over him, so he immediately retreated, curling back up in his sheets.

As his head hit the pillow he saw a half empty bottle of beer across from him. He slowly made the connection between the bottle and his current state. Soon after, he also remembered that yesterday was the anniversary of Kenny Weckerleys death. Tom didn't lend himself to tears easily so tried to deal with pain the best he could. He knew turning to drink was the wrong way to go about it, he knew it was a coward's way out. But it was also the only way he knew how to make himself forget.

Doug would be so angry with him if he found out, but Hanson could deal with an angry Penhall. But he also knew that Doug would be disappointed in him, that he couldn't take. Not disappointment. He himself was deeply ashamed. But that didn't stop him. Today was the fifth time this fortnight he had woken up with a pounding headache and no real recollection of why.

Tom always had an excuse though. One day he would tell himself it was ok because it was Amys' birthday or that he could reward himself with a night free from his own memories because he had made some ground on his case. But even he was getting sick of hearing his own excuses.

It's just he was so frustrated with society and with people; he had seen so many lives ruined. 'Really it was him who was responsible for ruining lives' was the thought that had been more frequently occurring to him. Matty, Jack Weaver, Quincey Thompson, Kenny Weckerley, Ronnie Seebok and Amy are just a few of the people whose lives had been permanently altered for worse because of his presence in them.

He did cry for Ronnie and eventually for Amy, but it didn't make him feel any better. As a long time ago someone had told him that people are selfish creatures and that even when someone dies they cry not really for the person who died but because the impact the death has on them. Because that person will no longer be there for them. This thought has haunted him ever since. No matter how many times people told him he hurt because he cared, he hurt because he was a good person he found it hard to believe. He had hurt so many people, how could he still call himself a good person? He was scared that he just hurt for himself. Hurt because of all the guilt he felt, the guilt he knew he wouldn't have if these kids were still alive. He knew deep down this was true and he loathed himself for it.

He couldn't help feeling guilty not just about particular cases but about every single kid he arrested. Just as he couldn't take credit for all his successes in life due to the fact he owed a lot of who he was to his parents and friends, he couldn't completely blame these kids for who they were. Their parents and friends also moulded them or in some cases didn't care for them at all. Yes at some point they needed to take responsibility for their actions but who is to say that if Tom, Doug, Judy and Ioki grew up in these kids places they wouldn't have turned out as Ronnie Seeboks and Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompsons.

These sobering thoughts were surfacing increasingly in the last year. He couldn't help but feel as if he should to do something more. Doug had once talked about this, asking what sending these kids away did, a part from make them worse? At the time he had replied that they couldn't just take a kid out for ice cream when they murdered someone. If he was asked the same question today he wasn't sure what he would say, he still knew that what he had said was true but he was really starting to understand what Doug meant. And it was affecting his ability to do his job. He felt as if it was eating him alive.

He just hoped his current case didn't end the same way as so many others did. He hoped he could help Mathew. Mathew was a good hearted kid, he reminded him a lot of himself. Hanson could have been this kid. They both lost their father at such a young age but unfortunately Mathew had no one to turn to.

It became apparent he had drifted off to sleep again when he blinked his eyes open and saw it was now ten past nine. He stumbled out of bed trying to ignore the nausea as he walked towards his bathroom. He half tripped on some dirty clothes which forced him to look at the rest of his apartment. He was disgusted in what he saw and made mental note to convince Doug to do their usual Friday night pizzas at his house instead of Hansons'.

As he reached the mirror he took a few seconds to survey the damage last night as well as the last few sleepless months had caused. He wasn't surprised to see his eyes were drawn and bloodshot and that his oily over grown hair was sticking slightly to his face. He brushed his teeth to remove the evidence of the night before and ran his hand his through his hair a few times after being unable to locate a comb. He got changed into his clothes from the day before and grabbed his brown jacket before running out the door, well and truly late, McQcuaid style.

Hanson was never late. Even when playing Tommy Mcquaid. So naturally when his partner walked into class half an hour late Penhall was worried. His fellow officer looked, for lack of a better way to describe it, incredibly tired. Hanson was one of the most emotional guys he knew but he always managed to fool most by keeping his feelings hidden just below the surface. He knew Tommy must be struggling more than Doug thought if he was letting his appearance reflect his state of mind.

He reminded himself that Tommy was an adult and would ask for his help if he needed it. As in the past Doug had been able to confide in Tom and on many occasions he was able to return the favour and be there to support Hanson. He felt a little better after thinking about this but reminded himself to insist pizza was at Toms. As you could always tell the state of Hansons' head by the state of his apartment. Doug sighed 'Yep, that's my best friend, wears his heart on his sleeve and keeps his head in his apartment'. Doug was incredibly glad this was true as Tom himself was pretty good at getting around the 'how are you really' type of conversation with Doug. Always managing to effortlessly ease his partners worries through deflecting with some light hearted banter that came so easily to the pair.