So I'm really, really sorry about how long this took! The internet at my mums ran out so I was just going to wait until I went to my dads to post this but for some reason the wifi wasn't working at his place either :S So much frustration haha but anyways I worked out how to tether my phone to my laptop and use its internet yay. So I'll upload the three chapters I've finished, I hope you like them! I enjoyed writing them at least . They aren't perfect but I think I'll just have to read over all my stuff again after I'm done!? I'm finding it hard to edit stuff immediately after I've written it! Does anyone esle find that?

Anyways I hope it was worth waiting for and that people are still keen to see where this goes/ are still reading :)

Chapter 13

… The Reason …

Over the next week the officers went to school during the day and worked for Lawrence at night. They were trusted with simple tasks such as delivering the 'magic' slips of paper that connected the dealers to the high schoolers. Although it was boring it meant they got an understanding of the full scale of his operation. The mundaneness had done nothing to ease the tension between the partners and had worsened Tom's mood. Even though Penhall had thought that to be impossible. On a positive note though from what they saw, they were certain that when they caught this guy he was never going to see the outside of a jail cell again. But no matter how hard they pushed for information about who he was working for the ex-captain always managed to avoid giving them any real information. The little progress they had made left them nervous about talking to their captain. As they knew that downtown would want to see some busts by now and that they would be pestering Fuller. Tom and Doug knew they had nothing but excuses to give their Captain and were hence about to feel the full force of Adam Fullers wrath.

"That's the last I have to say about the issue, now get out and get back to work!" came the booming voice of Captain Fuller. The officers left his office and entered a deserted room; due to everyone having had left for the school day.

"What was that about?" Doug said turning immediately to his partner as Hanson sat down at his desk.

"What do you mean, you're the one that didn't back me up!" he responded instantly becoming infuriated at the question.

"You know arresting everyone we know to be involved is the next move! And if it was any other case you would be fine with it,"

"So you are telling me that you are perfectly fine with ruining this kid's life just so we can wrap up our case a few weeks earlier?" Doug scoffed at this typical Tom like remark.

"He'll get over it! It's not like he's gunna get life in prison Hanson,"

"No but we will condemn him to a life of people seeing him differently, he will labelled as no good. It will follow him around forever." Doug still looked at Tom with unfeeling eyes, so Hanson continued to try and get through to him. "Do you remember that kid who we busted for break and enter? Do you remember what he did Doug?"

"Yeah, he shot himself with a hunting rifle," Doug retorted matter of factly. Tom knew suicide was and would always be a touchy subject with his partner. He would never usually bring it up but he was desperate to make him understand.

"Don't be so melodramatic Hanson, you're being absolutely ridiculous!"

"How am I being ridiculous? You don't know what the kids going through and what getting arrested will do to him. So how can you say that he'll just get over it?"

"No, I don't know what he's going through but maybe that's because I've never been a drug dealer. And anyways who are you to talk about knowing how he feels! Thomas Hanson, president of the debating team by day expert on teenage delinquency by night," He taunted cruelly.

"Piss off with the boy scout shit for once Doug," he said voice laced with hurt.

"I'm only pointing out the truth. I mean what do you really know, these kids aren't like you Tom. How can you say you understand how they feel or how they might react?" Tom sighed.

"Maybe you don't know me as well you think?"

"Sure I know you Tommy, you're a neat freak who is in love with his car, never misses his bowling night and is too stubborn to take my golden dating advice." The officer said playfully trying to diffuse the tension. Tom looked at his partner directly in the eyes; as if he hadn't heard his partners light hearted insult.

"How do you think I fit in so easily with these kids, get them to trust me so quickly, how do you think I know how to act high around them?" He stared into the blank face of his partner and best friend.

"I wasn't almost one of these kids, I was one of these kids." he said pleadingly to Doug, willing him to understand.

"What?" he said sounding unconfident in his earlier denial.

"You've known me for four years Doug and how often since the start have I been so easily influenced, so easily changed. The reason I transitioned so quickly from that awkward straight laced kid into who you see now was because that kid wasn't really me,"

"But why would you pretend to be someone you're not?" he asked still uncertain.

"I suppose I just wanted to put as much distance between who I was and who I wanted to be. But I soon realised it was easier to just to act normal, I mean you guys weren't typical beat cops anyway," he answered before another moment of silence was shared.

Doug stared his partner in the eyes, he was right he hadn't changed a bit since those first few weeks. Hell, Tom still ordered the same thing for dinner at their favourite bar. The full meaning of Tom's admission came crashing onto him, he felt as if he would be crushed with the weight of his realisation.

"Is something wrong you look worried?" Hanson felt the need to ask due to the distorted look on his friends face.

"You're not, you know uh … now? Are you?"

"No of course not, I would never go back to it, I was in a real bad place," Hanson answered quickly, saving Penhall from having to spell it out.

"It started with drinking, after Dad died some of my friends thought I needed cheering up so we would hang out and just get pissed together, you know? It wasn't the best thing to do and I knew it was wrong but it was just nice to have a release," He started nervously.

"About a year later, Mum was trying to get over Dad so she started seeing this guy. For some reason he hated my guts and whenever he was home alone with me he would embrace the opportunity to practice his boxing skills," he smiled apprehensively.

"And well while he would use me as a punching bag he would yell shit at me, terrible things…" He paused taking a deep breath like he was bracing himself for some sort of impact. "Things like 'Why don't you just stop trying because I can already tell you, you will amount to nothing,' and 'Don't come home tomorrow, you know your mum and I would be so much happier if you just disappeared!' And my personal favourite, 'You were such an embarrassment that your father went and got himself killed so he didn't have to watch you grow up and ruin his good name' and all sorts of awful things like that." He talked so flatly, with no emotion in his voice, like he was repeating something he had heard a thousand times before. He probably had heard them a thousand times before Doug thought disgusted.

"I was smart enough to know it wasn't true, to know that he knew all the right things to make me upset. But when you hear those things enough times it's hard to not to start to believe them. It just became too much for me to deal with and the alcohol wasn't enough to block it out anymore. I didn't even have to look to find something else that would help. As my old friends had kind of given up on me, they were sick of my shitty moods and were weirded out by the bruises that permanently covered my skin. So I had made a new friend, kind of." He let out a gentle laugh and scratched his head, unintentionally communicating his discomfort before continuing.

"And one day out of nowhere he offered me some crack, told me it would make me feel better and well that was it." Tom went silent for a moment reminiscing about the amazing feeling the drugs had always provided him. He however quickly came back to the present feeling ashamed and repulsed by his thoughts. He continued, his speech becoming more erratic.

"I was a complete mess, the drugs, they turned me into a different person, I would come home late and I barely attended any of my classes. I had to repeat 11th grade."

"What did your mum do?" Doug questioned out of curiosity.

"She didn't know. I was pretty good at hiding things even then. I blamed the bruises on kids at school. Said they were having a go at Dad being a cop. Which then also meant I had a reason to stay back late at school to get high, with her thinking I had detention. Mum thought I was just acting out because of dad and because I didn't think she should be dating. So she didn't give me too much of a hard time,"

He paused, once again finding the courage to meet Doug's eyes, "She finally seemed so happy and I didn't want to, couldn't take that away from her. I couldn't tell her the man she thought she loved was a child abuser. I was just happier to put up with him and deal with things my own way," Tom's usual tough exterior was melting away before Doug's eyes.

"Oh man, Tommy," Doug said empathetically, struggling to comprehend the immense responsibility Tom at 17, had placed on himself. 'No wonder he fell apart' he thought.

"That was until one day when this kid, he just wouldn't stop staring at me. I had this bruise that ran from my arm up to my neck. I felt his eyes on me all day so eventually I told him to fuck off or he would be sorry, and he did. Later that day however another kid decided to bore holes into me with his eyes, he tried to be discrete but I could feel his eyes constantly on me. I didn't even pause to think about it, I just snapped. I punched him." Hanson dropped his head further in shame, not that he had been looking at Doug through this recount. It was like he was scared to see what Doug would think of him.

"All he did was look at me Doug and I punched him square in the face. No regards of how badly I could hurt him. It was so unlike me, I was so scared of who I was becoming." Doug noted the fearful look present in Hanson's eyes, like he had been transported back to his teenage self.

"That was the day I knew I had to get out, that I couldn't do it anymore. I hated who the drugs made me and I was scared of what would become of me if I stayed on that path," Tom struggled to go on, his failing voice and watery eyes were betraying his otherwise unfeeling expression.

"I swallowed my pride and told mum, I asked her for help. And she helped me get clean. To this day, telling my mum and the month that followed it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. There is nothing in this world that could make me go back there," he finished as he allowed himself one more moment of weakness before he brought his hand to his hair trying to be as casual as possible about brushing the water from the corner of one eye. He tilted his head back to dry the flow threatening to spill onto his cheeks before lowering his gaze to face Doug again, bringing his hand to rest behind his neck.

Penhall was shocked at the detail of the confession his question had evoked; he had no idea how to reply so he continued lamely with, "Sorry. It's just I had to ask, you know, you have been a bit moody lately and I just…" Tom interrupted with a weak laugh as he scruffed the back of his hair.

"It's ok Doug, forget about it," Doug smiled a feeble smile back at him, relieved his partner wasn't displaying any anger towards him. Tom was glad he asked if he was being honest with himself. It was extremely painful to tell Doug but he now felt an enormous sense of relief that he hadn't expected.

"I get it now man, why you empathise with them so easily, but what I don't get is why you never told me?" Doug continued allowing Tom to try and regain his composure, he knew Hanson would hate that he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of someone else.

"How could I? 'Oh hey there Doug how you doing today? Just thought I'd let you know that when I was seventeen I had a daily drug habit, oh and before I forget do you want eggs or pancakes for breakfast?'" Hanson replied sarcastically.

"Maybe not like that, but you know you can tell me anything right?"

"Of course Doug, it's just I have kept it from everyone for so long, sometimes it doesn't even feel like it's a part of my life. It feels so separate from me and bringing it to the surface again, telling someone, it makes it so real. And beside It's not something I'm proud of. And it's definitely not something I want everyone to know about me," he cast his eyes downward unable to face Doug any longer.

Doug looked at the sheepish figure in front of him. His partner looked so ashamed and so humble. Doug knew at that moment the 'goody two-shoes' Tom wasn't all for show, the embarrassment on his features was proof of that. Still, he felt like he was seeing Tom for the first time all over again. All the pieces fit and he now even understood why bending the rules came so easily to his partner who would always go out of his way for justice.

He hated seeing him so down on himself though, it wasn't right. "You should be proud, proud that even though you were in a bad place you had the strength to get yourself out and turn your life around, especially when so many people don't. You can't just ignore that part of you Tom, your past is what makes you, you! And I would never want you to change, not at all. I love you man! Everything about you, even if I didn't know all there was to know," Tom gave him a strange look.

"Relax, not in that way man. Although if I did go that way, you would be my in my top two for sure,"

"What? Top two?" Tom gasped overplaying his outrage and offence.

"Ok I'm sorry I lied, but I was doing it for your own good Tommy, I didn't want you to get a big head," They both laughed awkwardly.

"I love you too man, and I really did want to tell you but It was easier to leave it in the past." At that they smiled knowingly at each other.

"You're not going to tell anyone are you?" Hanson blurted out, suddenly feeling panicked.

"No Tom, it's not my place,"

"Ok good because I honestly don't think I could take anyone else looking at me like you are now,"

"How am I looking at you?" Penhall said honestly surprised.

"Like I've just flashed you or done something equally as disturbing," he said looking uncomfortable under his friends knowing gaze. Again they both laughed uneasily.

"Sorry!" he said thinking about how he actually felt nothing but proud of his friend. And that he had been trying his best to make sure Hanson felt normal around him. He was obviously failing.

Truthfully Doug was struggling to digest all the stuff Tom had just told him. It did at least give him a reason as to why he never heard Tom talk about his childhood after his dad had died. Penhall's mind was still spinning with questions but he knew better to bombard Hanson with them. His friend had already revealed so much of himself to Doug, he knew he would be feeling exposed and would likely get defensive and closed off if he was too probing. So he picked one last question to ask.

"Is all this the reason you became a cop, to make it safer out there for kids like you?"

"That and because of my Dad."