So I go back to uni tomorrow and unfortunately I haven't finished this as I planned. But I will keep going with it and will try to upload two chapters a week :) So bear with me as my schedule is pretty crazy (5 days, 9am- 5pm most days!). So far I've got the story planned to finish with 21 chapters so we're about three quartes of the way there. I hope you stay with me till the end!

As usual not totally sure if I'm 100% happy with it but wanted to upload anyway and on a similar note I apologise if there's any mistakes! I'm terrible at proof reading :/ So as always I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing !

Just a reply to guest reviewer also - Sed- Glad you're still with me ! and thanks for you're review, as always it means a lot to me that you took the time to write me a message :) it's always such good motivation to keep going.

Chapter 16

… What's the Point …

"Tom? Wake up! You can't do his to me!" Penhall was helplessly shouting at his motionless friend. "Answer me!" he demanded. There was no reply, just silence.

Then a dazed voice broke the quiet, "Shut up, stop yelling, why are you yelling?" Tom said slowly opening his eyes.

"What the Fuck?" Tom continued, voice still sounding drowsy. Doug wasn't there.

He shuddered as he realised he had been dreaming. Dreaming a dream that he hadn't had since he was 17. For the first time though it was slightly different. This time Instead of his Mother it was Doug who had had come to find out what a screw up he was and to find he was too late to save him.

His heavy breathing seemed deafening as he sat in his bed wishing he would be swallowed up by the blackness of his room. 'Calm down you idiot, it was just a dream'. It may have been just a dream but that didn't mean it didn't feel any less real. And now, just like when he was a teen, he struggled to get back his grip on reality after having his worst fears played out in his head.

He tried to bury himself deeper in his covers to offset the chilling effect the cooling sweat on his back was starting to have. He closed his eyes and immediately he felt the same feelings from his dream assault him as if they had never left. It frightened him how desperate he was for a high, how necessary it felt to have it. He hated the control it had over him. He was so scared he would never be able to kick it, that he wouldn't have the willpower to resist its calls. He was sure it would trap him forever. He became dizzy despite the fact he was lying in bed as these fears swirled around in his head. It left him feeling like he was a teenager again, like this dream could become his reality if he wasn't careful.

By habit he started to run over the scenes in his head, just like he did when they would wake him up all those years ago. 'This is not fucking normal'. He had thought that then and he knew it to be truer now. Most people wanted to forget their nightmares. But he wanted to make sure he remembered every small detail. To be able to remember those intense feelings of distress. He used those sleepless nights to build himself up until one day he finally felt like he was strong enough to ask for help and face his demons. He then kept those memories safe ready to call on in what he knew was coming. The desperation to keep those memories in his dreams and not his reality was what got him through the hardest and darkest hours of his young life.

He thought back to the old version of his dream when his mum was the one to find him. This had been his biggest fear, that his mum would find out the secret he had been so careful to hide from her. He couldn't stand the thought of her feeling like she was a failure. And he also knew he wouldn't be able to face her disappointment. As she always though him so capable and he didn't want her to think any less of him. He needed at least one person in his life to believe in him as pathetic he knew it sounded. While he was deathly afraid of being caught he was even more terrified of what might happen to him. That one day his mum would walk into his room to find that not only had she lost her husband but she had lost her only child. He could bear the thought of being the cause of more pain to his mother.

'This is fucking bullshit' he thought, as he struggled with the fact that he thought he had put this all behind him. He thought he had already lived through the hard stuff, the withdrawals and the months of cravings. How was it that at 25 he was still struggling with this part of his past. Becoming increasingly frustrated at his failed attempts to get back to sleep he tried thinking about something else. As he was sick of thinking about the possibility that he might never really get over it.

He thought that maybe this dream had resurfaced to remind him that he never wanted to go back to that place. 'Never again buddy' he would never let himself sink that low. But still just because he would never let himself turn to drugs, he knew he was being just as self-destructive enabling himself to just go on exiting feeling so trapped and so utterly beside himself that he didn't care what happened to him. He thought that maybe Doug had appeared to remind him not to try and deal with it all on his own, that it is ok to ask for help. As look what happened when he isolated himself from everyone last time he felt like he couldn't take it. He didn't want to admit it but he knew his subconscious was right. He had already reached out to Penhall but he knew he needed to actually ask for his help. He realised how selfish it was of him to dump everything on his friend, who already had so much to deal. He suddenly felt pathetic as he also realised Doug was managing to cope on his own. He hadn't complained once to Hanson. 'God and I call myself his best friend'. He had just lost his wife and was still managing to care for a kid and turn up ready for work every day. While Hanson couldn't even go one night alone with his thoughts as he struggled to deal with something that happened over 5 years ago. He knew he had to do it though, ask for his help with the question he was struggling with, after all Doug had told him he could tell him anything. 'Hadn't he?'

Instead of thinking about how he was going to go about reaching out to Doug he walked over his fridge and pulled out a can of beer. 'It's like bloody De Ja Vu' he thought as he suddenly felt nostalgic about searching for an escape by an artificial means. 'It's ok it will be that last time' he told himself. He felt uneasy though as a cynical voice in his head replied to him, 'Sure because that's the first time you've told yourself that'. He gulped the Beveridge down until he could no longer hear that sarcastic voice in his head taunt him. Convinced he would then be able to sleep in peace he tried to throw the empty can into the bin, missing it by about a metre before slinking back into his bedroom and falling asleep happily on top of the covers.

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Tommy and Doug Mcquaid pulled up into their usual spot in the student parking lot. As they got out of the car in silence they seemed to clear a perimeter around them was larger than usual. They were used to this though. It was always the case after they were arrested as part of their case the kids seemed to be extra nervous around them. "News travels fast doesn't it little bro," Doug said testing the waters.

"It's great isn't it, we should get arrested more often maybe then we would have to bother picking fights to prove ourselves," he replied. Doug was relieved that although his answer was filled with cynicism he at least was paying attention to what Doug had said. Which was an improvement on yesterday.

"Don't pretend you don't love giving the school idiots a taste of their own medicine Tommy!"

"Oh you know I do,"

Most of the day was uneventful. Tom was keen for it to be lunchtime as he didn't have any classes with Mathew and he really wanted to see how he was doing. As lunchtime finally came around the McQuaid's picked a seat next to the school bully who promptly got up as they sat down, probably because he remembered their last encounter. "That's just rude" Doug said loudly, "I wanted to share some chocolate mousse with him!"

"More like steal it from him," Hanson teased light heartedly. Doug noticed his mood seemed to have lightened now it was lunch time. As dealing with teachers that all felt the need to express their opinions about how the brothers should have been expelled instead of being allowed to stay and corrupt more students had taken its toll on both the officers.

Mid way though his strawberry milk Penhall saw Hanson's shoulders tense up, so he turned to see what he was looking at. Or rather who he was looking at.

"You look as bad as him" Doug said pointing at Tom as Mathew sat down with them.

"Yeah well, haven't slept much due to being arrested and all," he said bitterly.

"It's not that bad man, we've gone through it loads of times haven't we Dougy," Tom said trying to reassure his friend.

"Yeah and look at how well it's turned out for you two,"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Doug returned.

"It means that I've obviously got a bright future ahead of me, if I'm lucky I'll eventually graduate from high school a then get a job working at pizza hut while doing some drug runs on the side."

"Well that's a bit harsh ain't it," Doug said sounding insulted.

"I was going to go to college man! But no one will want me know, not with a criminal record,"

"Don't let this define you Mathew, your better than that!" Tom jumped in.

"What do you know McQuaid! I be you've never had anyone expect anything from you. They looked up to me, expected great things from me and know they all think I'm a screw up!" he said pointing to the kids eating lunch around them, "And so do the teachers, it's all I've heard from them today and so I figure I may as well live up to their expectations," Tom knew all about others expectations and he hated seeing Mathew collapsing under the same pressure he had been broken by. He continued with his effort to gat Mathew to see straight.

"You are not as smart as I thought you were if you honestly believe the bullshit you just told us,"

"Sorry to disappoint you then,"

"I get where you are coming from, you probably don't believe me but I really do. Don't take to heart what they say about you, don't let what they think about you define who you are!" Doug looked on silently as he saw a passion ignite in Hanson he hadn't seen in over a year as he continued to speak to Mathew. "Because you are more capable and exceptional than you think you are! And trust me when I say most of the people criticizing you are only having a go because they have your best interest at heart, they want you to do well,"

"That must seem very strange coming from him," Doug added laughing uneasily, seeing the puzzled look on the kids face. "He was nerd once you know, glasses and all,"

"Doug I thought we agreed never to tell anyone that!" Hanson joked catching on to Doug's cover up of his cop like lecture.

"It's ok your past is safe with me," he said laughing, not sure whether he believed the brothers. He knew something was different about them but he was pretty sure a secret past of being straight A students wasn't it.

"Speaking of the past," Tom said trying to redirect the conversation, "Me and Doug were talking earlier and we would be totally fine if you put this behind you and let us to continue alone with Lawrence. Because it could get a lot messier, I mean we could even give you a small cut considering you lead us to him," Hanson suggested nervously hoping desperately Mathew would accept.

"Nah, man I'm only doing it for a little longer anyway, I've almost saved all I need, then I'm out remember, 'early retirement'" he finished, winking at Tommy. Tom smiled sadly back, unable to hide his disappointment.

"Sure thing." He said knowing full well nothing was going to go as Mathew had hoped.

Hope that wasn't to cliché or corny for any of you haha, let me know what you think? :)