I'm so sorry for how long this has taken! But I had quite a few uni exams and assessments and I didn't want to rush this part as it was the idea of this part that inspired my whole story... anyways I hope some of you still care and will come back and read this even though I was so slow :/Also its really not still exactly how I want it but im sick of staring at it sooo here it is haha :)
Also thankyou to everyone who left me a review so nice to know people care about the en of the story.. so thankyou !
Chapter 20
... Too much to handle ...
It had been two weeks since Lawrence had gotten away and while the officers were no longer on the case they were both finding it hard to keep it out of their minds. Even Doug who was busy with a new case couldn't fully concentrate without the satisfaction of having the creep behind bars. And he needed his full concentration on this case as he was flying solo due to Fuller insisting Hanson take some time to himself. This meant that he had barely had any time to himself, let alone time to check on his friend. So when he heard news that Lawrence had been stupid enough to get himself arrested on some minor possession charges he was more than keen to see his partner and tell him the good news.
He had arrived at Hanson's apartment within minutes of hearing about Lawrence and eagerly knocked on his partners door. After there was no answer he remembered the spare key he had hidden without Hanson's approval so he reached above the door frame to grab it and swiftly let himself in.
Doug's good mood was quickly ruined after he scanned the room only to see a half empty bottle of beer, attached to an arm draped off the edge of Hanson's couch, attached to none other than Tom himself.
"You asshole!" he yelled, startling Hanson awake, sending the bottle he was loosely grasping crashing to the floor. "I can't believe this! I've been busting my but all week by myself and you've been what? Passed out the entire time?"
"Doug? huh?" Hanson said dazed, holding his head.
"What the hell Tom, Fuller told you to take some time so you could get yourself together not so you could become a fucking alcoholic and sabotage your career," Tom had finally managed to sit up but was still looking at Doug unfocused. "I can't believe how selfish you are being, did you even think of me, all the times I've put myself on the line for you, and all the things I've told you about my parents, my dad, I wouldn't have thought you of all people would sink to this, to the selfish way out," the fogginess in Toms head had finally subsided but he still found himself confused at the accusations being thrown at him.
"A way out what are you going on about, this isn't a way out I think your overreacting a tad Doug, and would you please stop yelling at me," he said, a frustrated edge creeping into his tone.
"Then what is it? A way of punishing yourself? Come on Tom you're better than this,"
"Than what? I'm not doing anything, I'm not punishing myself, it's not a way out. … How did you get in here anyhow?" he said, now not hiding his annoyance as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"Does it really matter Tom, I'm here now and I want to know what is going on with you lately and I'm not accepting you telling me you will be fine one more time, because you said that last time and your still not over it," Doug took a seat making his point that he wasn't about to leave Hanson to get back to his beauty sleep. Hanson sighed loudly before deciding to give in to Doug's wishes.
"This, what you see now, is me trying to find a way to forget things for a while; sometimes I just need to shut it all out,"
"Give me a break, I didn't come here to hear your excuses!" Tom withdrew momentarily, this harsh comment was hard to hear.
"Then why did you come here?" he said bitterly, allowing his sharp tongue to lash out before he could regain his composure. "It's not like you've made the effort any other time in the last two weeks, do you have some paperwork for me to do or something," he finished uncaringly. Then suddenly a wave of guilt rushed over him as his clarity returned. As with a clear head he knew Doug really just wanted to help him, even if he wasn't sure about how to go about it. When he was in his right mind he also knew Penhall was right, he needed change something and stop allowing himself to be comforted by his excuses. But that's why he always did his best to ensure whenever he was alone with his thoughts that he was never completely coherent.
"I'm sorry, I know it's a not an excuse but I just can't deal with it all the time, not 24 hours a day, every day. It's too much and I have to shut it out somehow and this is one of the only ways I know how," they shared a look of understanding, both of them knowing that the other way was even less ideal.
"But what is it you want to shut out?" Doug said now more calm due to the sobering course the conversation had taken.
"The guilt," he said matter of factly.
"I've told you before Hanson, you have no reason to be guilty,"
"I know you've told me before and I've told myself over and over again but I don't believe it Doug, I really want to but I just can't buy my own bullshit," he said desperately, begging his partner to understand as tears threatened to pool in his eyes. "I've hurt so many people, it would be better if I just stopped ok,"
"You told me this wasn't you giving up,"
"Well sometimes I do just want to give up," he said looking up at him, his expression stern, "What's so terrible about that?"
Doug couldn't believe the beaten man in front of him was the same one who he had stood beside on so many cases, his partner who he would willingly trust his life with over and over, the one who would always go that extra mile when Doug was ready to call it a day. "For one you are not the kind of guy who takes the easy way out, because if you are you've sure fooled me for the last 5 years,"
Hanson looked honestly puzzled, why did he have so much faith in him? "Seriously? All I've done is take the easy way out of things, I couldn't deal with my dad dying so I escaped then, I can't deal with my job so now I try and escape, just in a different way," he sighed before continuing, "That's not really my point though, I just mean that at least I wouldn't hurt any more people!" he finished.
"Rubbish Hanson, you would hurt all the people who love you, Fuller, Ioki, Judy," Tom looked up, "and me, it would kill me Tom, remember when you told Harley that you couldn't take what he was going to do, well I can't take it Hanson," he yelled desperately becoming more distraught as his thoughts were finally being verbalised and made tangible, "You were the one who said to me that there was nothing in the world so bad that the only option is suicide,"
An uneasy silence came over the apartment. The emotion of the situation left both men winded, unable to breathe in the abundant air around. They looked into each other's eyes fiercely as if they needed to desperately yell something at each other but were instead suffocating in the silence. Tom finally spoke, ending the seemingly infinite moment.
"Doug, calm down, I'm not about to go and do anything stupid, its ok, I'm fine really," he said slowly but firmly, trying to sound as convincing as he could. He hadn't realised how much he was scaring his friend, honestly he had shocked himself with his own admissions. "I've just been feeling a little shit lately, working through some personal stuff," he said sounding like his normal self. But when Doug still didn't respond but looked a little relieved Hanson continued, feeling like now he was finally ready to share with someone what was burdening him.
"When I went to jail I thought my life was over, it took me a while but I had accepted it, and I thought I would never have to think about this job and whether I would keep on doing it," Doug listened on intently.
"I felt like I was finally getting what I deserved. My life was over but I was ok with it in a weird way," Doug now looked at him worriedly confirming what Hanson had always kind of known, that his logic was wacked, but it was what he had convinced himself was true. You have a lot of time to yourself to think when you're locked up after all.
"But now I'm out and well it is taking some getting used to," he laughed uncomfortably. "And I keep saying that I will be fine but I'm not sure whether I will be, or even whether I want to be. There are some things I've done that I'm not sure I will ever be able to come to terms with. There are some things that I let happen in there that I will never be able to forgive myself for," Doug looked at him pityingly. It was the most he had heard Tom talk about his time in jail apart from when he was joking about it.
"You can't beat yourself up about it forever Tommy," he offered cautiously not even sure what he was referring to.
"I don't think I want to see the me that would be ok with forgiving myself for what I did, and I'm afraid that if I allow myself to move on I will, I'm so frightened of that Doug," he said seriously looking Doug directly in the eyes before breaking eye contact again. "I don't know maybe I deserve to be miserable,".
"You're insane, you know that right?" Penhall offered weakly utterly bewildered about the fact Tom had convinced himself he deserved to be in jail.
"Probably," Tom returned just as matter of faclty.
"But I'm also the only one who knows how shitty I feel and how much it hurts when I wake up in the middle of the night stone cold sober and I can't get back to sleep because I can't get them out of my mind" he said becoming distressed, rubbing temples.
"Or when it's the start of a new case and all I can think is that there's now another kid who is about to get his or her life ruined by me,"
"These aren't innocent kids Tom,"
"But there not terrible kids either, most of them are hurting for some reason too,"
"Well then think of all the kids you've helped! What would they have done without you, you never gave up on them; on Harley, Diane Nelson, Kenny Weckerley,"
"Yeah turned out just great for Kenny didn't it," he said rolling his eyes at Doug's attempt to make him feel better. "I just can't help thinking that there has to be a better way than this, than throwing them in Jail, it doesn't help, because by the time we get to them it's usually too late to help them back anyways,"
"Oh Hanson, you are always trying to save the world but you must realise you can't, all you can do is do your job and make it safer out there and help those you come into contact with," Hanson scoffed at the piss weak statement that he had heard himself repeat over and over again without really meaning it.
"You're my partner and my best friend. I can't stand seeing you like this you need to not put so much pressure on yourself, or you will be useless to everybody,"
"Will be? Look at me," he laughed fully aware of the sorry state he was in, but Doug wasn't finished.
"You hurt because you care, that's what makes you you, it makes you a good cop. I've never once known you to hurt someone on purpose you have only ever tried to do what you think is best. You're a good person Tom," Tom cringed; he couldn't stand one more person telling him what a top bloke he was when he felt so dirty and cruel.
"And I know you don't really want to forget all these kids, your memories and experiences are what make you who you are, they affect the way you do your job and they are part of what makes you a good cop who cares deeply about putting the right people behind bars. You are one of the most compassionate people I know. And I know that's why you want to make their lives and their memories mean something. But you can't put this much pressure on yourself, you have to see it's crazy,"
"I know it is," he paused looking uncertain about whether to continue, "Doug, you say I'm your friend and your partner but what if I couldn't be both?"
"What on earth are you on about now!"
"I don't think I'm cut out to be a cop," he spat out finally saying out loud what he had been terrified of admitting his entire adult life.
"Rubbish, you're the best cop I know, it's in your blood for Christ's sake,"
"I know, but it got my father killed and I feel like it's going to kill me, the things we do every day, the way we emotionally rip off these kids, it just feels so wrong,"
"It's just part of the job Hanson, you know that,"
"I know it is and that's what I'm saying, I don't think I can do this job anymore if that's what it involves. Can't you see I can't cope with it, its eating me alive, it's killing me man," Doug stared at Hanson intensely, brow furrowed. Then he finally saw it. Tom was kind, compassionate and honest, he could be described at reserved yes, but in no way manipulative. He could see that it took everything in him to be so manipulative and derisive when trying to befriend their suspects. Doug had to act different too, as he also didn't find pleasure in lying as a living but he could see Hanson was tired of acting, that it took everything from him. He saw for the first time why undercover cops never stayed undercover for their whole careers. He could see Tom thought he was done and after the last few weeks and what he had told Doug he could understand why.
"I don't think I can do it, you guys think I'm so capable, so together but I'm not. Look at how many lives I've screwed up and this apartment hasn't been clean since May," Doug looked at the serious expression on his friends face and tried to hold in a giggle. He knew he was dead serious but it was such Hanson thing to say, to be concerned with the mess even with so many other things obviously troubling him.
"I just don't want to do it anymore," he said sounding resigned as he fell back heavily onto his couch and took a long drink from another bottle he had eyed sitting on the floor beside the one he had dropped earlier. He felt the burning eyes of Penhall staring at him in disapproval. So he kept his gaze down not wanting to confirm his guess, that his friend now saw what he knew to be true long ago, that he was a pathetic, spent, coward.
Eventually after the silence continued for longer than was comfortable he looked up and was surprised at what he saw. He saw his partner and best friend looking back at him not in disappointment but with sympathy and understanding in his eyes. After his initial relief however he realised he hated seeing Doug hurting for him more, how could he have been so selfish to burden him with all of this. "Don't you get it Doug, I'm worthless, spent. You need to just let me wallow in my own self-pity and get on with your life ok," although he was glad for Doug's understanding he also couldn't stand to put him through anymore of his shit and this part of Toms head was winning and forcing him to stand up and point Penhall out of his apartment.
"Whatever Tom I'll go, but always remember you don't have to deal with everything alone, I know you did when you were younger but you have loads of people who care about you and want to help you get through this head space you're in," Tom didn't reply but instead just turned around and walked towards his room.
As Hanson heard the click of the door closing he stopped for a moment allowing his relief of being alone again wash over him. He then decided against walking all the way to his bed when he saw the couch and slinked over to it instead. He quickly slipped off his alcohol stained shirt from the earlier incident and instead wrapped himself in the blanket that was to his great surprise still neatly folded on the arm of the couch. He then sank back into his seat closing his eyes hoping he would be able to slip effortlessly back into the dreamless sleep he was having before Doug had interrupted. After a few minutes of his thoughts not allowing him any peace, he downed the rest of the drink he had been holding earlier without thinking. He briefly wondered if he was becoming an alcoholic before dismissing the thought thinking he didn't really care.
Doug may have left Toms apartment at that moment but his head stayed trapped in a replay of that conversation. He was worried about Hanson's wellbeing before but he was terrified for him now. It was only after a few hours later that he realised he had been so preoccupied with Tom's state that he hadn't even told him the good news about Lawrence. He supposed he would just have to tell him tomorrow. Perhaps then he would have had some sleep and he might be in a brighter mood, it couldn't get much worse that was for sure.
Hope you enjoyed this extra long instalment and that I didn't put anyone to sleep, Let me know your thoughts?