He was afraid. Loki was on that cell, the same cell as usual. Chained to the table, trying to avoid his own reflection. He felt sick. He felt useless and pathetic and immensely depressed. Most of all, he wanted to die. He was tired of Odin, of Thor and his allies, tired of Midgard, of Jotunheim, but most of all tired of himself. Life was too much, life was too wrong. He hated it. And he felt he was going to be there forever, in that little interrogation room. Chained, unable to move, trying to hold himself together while those mortals did whatever they wanted to him. There was an unspeakable sadness that filled him whole, that made every breath agony. He didn't want to be alive. He didn't want to be Loki. And yet, there was no one else he could be.

That man appeared again, Fury, with the very familiar one eye and eye patch. And he took him by his neck and forced him to look at his reflection. He hated it. Hated the red rimmed eyes staring back at him, the bloated (at least in his mind) thing his face had become. What lay behind that face. Hated, hated, hated. He wanted to be himself again, wanted to be powerful, and feared and proud. A god. But now he was trapped. Now he had no magic, and the words of his interrogators were slowly infiltrating his mind. Every day a bit more.

Worthless

Waste of space

Useless piece of intergalactic crap

I'll be so glad the day we can be rid of you for good – there will be parades everywhere

Monster

There is nothing worthwhile about you: NOTHING!

He looked again at his reflection and saw shadows behind him saying those things. The people he once thought were his family. The people who now hated the very memory of him.

Hate – hate –HATE.

Tony saw Loki moaning and breathing rapidly at his side, and knew instantly what was happening. Nightmares. Nightmares following you no matter where you went. He was no stranger to them, and knew how much they could affect you. How real they could feel and how bad you felt afterwards. He tried to wake the man, worried that Loki could be reliving his torture. Called his name, softly slapped his cheek. No answer.

There was a voice in Loki's cell, a voice that sounded vaguely familiar, but that he couldn't quite place. And then there was water on his face, and his eyes flew open.

"Sorry about that, pal. Had to wake you, you didn't seem to be having much fun."

Loki looked around him, confused, and couldn't recognize where he was. But he was in pain - so much pain. He dried his face with a towel Stark handed him.

"The cell…"

"We took you out, remember? You're not there anymore." Tony said, hoping to see some recognition in the green eyes. Some sign that he remembered what had happened those last couple of days.

Loki's face suddenly changed and he bit his lip so hard he drew hands clutched his somach with force but it was no comfort. He looked up to the white ceiling, trying to forget the pain, trying to will it away – it was impossible.

"Your stomach acting up again?" Stark said, and his voice sounded strangely distant this time.

"The pain is spreading… I-"

He closed his eyes and the world was only pain and hurt and that look of betrayal and Odin hating him and Thor hating him too and –

He could not stop the tears and Tony was a bit anxious, because they were supposed to be making up for Fury, and for all the shit the Chitauri had done to the guy and still, the only thing they could seem to do was look at him and at how deep in shit he was.

"And you have no idea of why you're in pain all the time? What has caused this?"

Loki shook his head. Amongst all the flashes and bits he'd seen, there wasn't one that explained what could be wrong with him. Why there was so much pain. No reason. Maybe this was simply what he deserved for turning on the people he was supposed to love.

Tony sighed.

"JARVIS, how's the situation out there?"

"Problem is solved, sir. Professor Xavier convinced Fury to leave before he himself left and made him think that Loki had escaped. Fury's heading to Canada right now, with a division of Special Agents."

"Good."

He look at his guest, whose face still was the picture of agony.

"Loki, can you walk?"

The god nodded.

"Perfect. You said you could build some communication with Asgard, right?" Loki nodded, again. "At this moment, I think that's the only thing that will give us some answers. I was going to give you a couple of days to recover, but… I'm starting to think you won't last that long."

Loki got up, even if the world became blurry as he did so.

Steve greeted them as they got out and told them about how they got rid of Fury and his agent. Loki simply had no strength for chatting. If he wanted to build the connection properly he was going to need all his energy and all his fleeting concentration. He had to be perfect, or would miss his only chance at knowing what happened. The uncertainty was becoming unbearable. It had to come to an end.

Banner gave him more of that medicine, even if it hardly had any effect anymore. At least, it was better than nothing. Stark took him to a laboratory kind of room, and with the help of JARVIS he got everything he needed. Stark helped too, and Rogers to bring the things in, help him know how the things he sought were called in that planet.

The most important thing happened to be an emerald, that opened a sort of window to Asgard after putting the right amount of radiation and electricity to it. When Loki had been younger, he'd spread the green gems across the realms he visited, to spy them whenever he wanted. He had to interrupt himself sometimes, when the pain reappeared, but managed to get it working. When the emerald reacted, it opened and showed an image of an elegant room, like someplace of a palace.

Steve's eyes widened.

"What the…"

Tony was amazed too, and tried to explain how that could even be possible while avoiding the concept of magic. This was just too incredible.

"Is there anyone alive out there? Can anyone hear me?" Loki said into the window. Hoping that somebody would hear him. Hoping that thy would give him those answers he so desperately needed.

And suddenly there was a woman in the screen, with a confused look on her face that said how can this be happening very similar to Steve's. Loki knew that face.

"Sif! Can you hear me?"

"What is this trickery? Who are you and why are you wearing Loki's face?"

"It is me, Sif, truly. I need you to tell me-"

"I will tell you nothing, shadow." The lady on the other side said. Steve spoke up.

"We only want to know a few things. I am Steve Rogers, from Earth, I have worked with Thor. We wanted to know if he's all right – he's been missing for months and we are worried. Loki doesn't remember anything."

"And before you say anything else." Tony added "Yes, it's him, we had a mind reader here that saw his memories, the invasion and Odin and all. Now, is Thor around?"

But Sif was still unconvinced, so Loki had to come up with something else. A way of proving it was him.

"Sif, remember that time when you defeated Thor in the mountains? There was only the three of us, and you suggested a fight. When you came back to your chambers, there was a silver and green dagger in your room, wrapped in the pages of your favourite book. You thought Thor gave it to you as a gift, to honor your victory. It wasn't him, it was me. Remember how Thor didn't recognise it? Now, how would I know about the dagger or its wrapping, that only you saw, if it wasn't me?"

Sif hesitated but was more convinced. Those men were very similar to the ones Thor had described to her. It all seemed real.

"Thor and his Lady friend are here. But we thought you gone forever, Loki."

"Why?"

And just then another terrible pain broke him and he doubled over, trying to hold back the scream that was forming in his throat. It was too much. His stomach was burning and it was spreading to his lungs, too. His eyes watered again – he tried to stand again because he needed to talk to Sif but couldn't. He was being broken. Being burned out, from the inside out. Suddenly, his knees were on the floor and there were blue eyes next to him, trying to give him some comfort.

While that terrifying scene played itself, Tony tried to speak to the Asgardian on the other side, but the connection was breaking down.

"Do you know why Loki is like this?"

"….Don't….. And the flames…. Condition…"

The emerald fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.

Tony was vaguely aware that Steve had pulled Loki to a deep embrace to try to comfort him, while the Asgardian screamed, tears falling down. It was the only thing he could think of in that moment. Loki clinged to the calming presence of the soldier, hoping for some comfort on the agony. Maybe he could actually imagine he was back in the past, when Thor didn't hate him. When Thor didn't abandon him to his torturers. A nicer sunnier past. But no. That was too much. The Captain said soothing words, said it would be all right.

And then the pain filled his head, and he tasted blood in his mouth. He wept silently and abruptly became limp in Steve's arms, blood coming out of his mouth. And Steve's eyes watered too – this was too much. They had rescued him from torture and all for what? To see him die in excruciating pain? It was not fair. Not fair at all.

In the great palace of Asgard, Sif ran and kept running. This changed so many things – and explained others. Thor needed to know. She didn't know how he would take the news that his brother still lived but she needed to tell him. It was important.

"Thooor! Thor!"

The thunderer was on a balcony, looking at Asgard with a melancholic expression on his face. It had been a rough last few months. Thor wasn't sure of what to do, of what to say of what to think. Everything had changed so many times – what he thought was true seemed a lie and then dissolved in smoke. He didn't know what to do or to feel or what was true anymore. And then he heard Sif calling his name, with urgency.

"What is it, Sif?"

"Thor! I bring news! Your brother is alive! Alive!"

Thor eyes widened. Part of him had always expected Loki to be alive – even if the rest of the world told him he was gone. Even Heimdall. It seemed impossible. But it wouldn't be first time they thought Loki dead only to find him again.

"What? How can you know?"

"I talked to him with one of those devices he used to spy other worlds, the ones with the green gems, remember? I am sure it is him, Thor. He's alive and in Midgard, I think, with your warrior friends. But Thor…"

"I must speak to him immediately. I will prepare the means to travel and…"

"Thor! Let me finish! There is more… I – I saw him and I fear…I think that he has got your condition and that it is on its last stages. That he transferred it to himself somehow."

Thor frowned. Why would Loki do such a thing? It had been a relief, of course, when the condition disappeared. He thought it had been the experiments the Lady Jane had conducted the ones that had freed him, but now he wasn't so sure. And then it struck him. The adverse effects, the problems it had created in other species. And Loki was a jotun…

"No, no, no – if he has it…"

"It will mean he doesn't have much time." Sif ended for him.

"I have to go to him, Sif. Even if I can I only see him die… I have to – Sif, please, I know we spent months researching in and there was nothing, but… keep looking, please. I will not let Loki die for something that is my fault."

Back in New York, Loki was slowly fading in a bed in Stark Tower. He was awake now, but the fever had made him incoherent, unfocused, delirious. He was sweaty, the black hair glued to his face and neck, but cold, afraid, in pain, ignoring where he was, ignoring who he was even. Sometimes he called for his mother, others he asked whoever was tending to him to have mercy and kill him. It was a terrible thing to watch. The green eyes kept shining, vividly.

Steve and Tony looked at him, a bit sad. They didn't know what to do anymore. That guy was probably going to die and they could do nothing. Only look up in the sky – and hope that something good would happen.

Steve prayed, but it was not the god he was praying to who answered.

There was thunder and there was sound and broken glass. Suddenly, a very blond and muscly figure stood before them, hammer in hand.

"Friends.. It is good to see you again."

A/n: Have I completely ruined this already? Yes? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed, if the only the slightest bits. I think I have a kink called "Steve hugs Loki when he's in terrible distress".

If you want to see happier sick Loki you can check out my other new story "Still ill". It's sweeter. This is getting a bit tragic. But maybe you prefer tragic….That's lovely, too. :)

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