Marvel = Iron Man =/= Me
"Why can't I get over her?"
The robotic workstation aid didn't seem to understand his inquiry, and simply looked at him sideways. The best a robot with no eyes could look at someone.
"Thanks. Turn up the music."
"Love From Room 109" by Tim Buckley grew to a deafening volume as Stark lay on the oversized couch with an Arnold Palmer in his hand. He looked and felt hungover, and in a way, he was, just not in the way he was used to.
"Tony! Tony, you home?"
"Here, Rhodey."
Rhodes did a double take back to the couch he'd already passed and looked down to see Stark in a dress shirt, his boxers, and socks.
"You look drunk. You're not drunk are you?"
"Oh, I'm loaded. Lemonade and iced tea. Gets me like nothing else."
On the live album, Tim Buckley addressed the crowd in his Kermit the Frog-like voice.
"Man, what are you listening to?"
"I'll answer that question with a question. How'd you get in here?"
"You gave me access to override the security forever ago. Remember?"
"...I thought I just gave the pass code to Happy and...somebody else..."
"Pepper?"
Stark raised his eyebrows above his red Ray-Ban wayfarers.
"Well, you should change that password then. Just in case."
"I saw her tonight. At that, uh, Trump thing. She was with somebody. She moved on, Rhodey."
"Of course she has. She broke up with you 9 months ago."
"9 months ago? What're you talking about?"
"You broke up in March. It's December."
Stark looked as if he was adding up the months in his head.
"Yes. I suppose it is."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Look, I can't let this pity party go on anymore. We're going out. Get some damn pants on."
"I don't feel like it."
"I know you don't, but you'll be glad you did."
"Well, you can't make me."
"Okay."
Rhodes snatched the Arnold Palmer can from Stark's hand and held it over his prone body.
"C'mon, that's very disrespectful to the memory of Arnold Palmer. Legendary golfer AND legendary drink mixer? He could've gotten by on one or the other, but he did BOTH. Do you know what he accomplished in the world of golfing?"
"No. And neither do you."
"As much as I wanna say 'touché' just for the comedic timing of it, I can't. Let me tell you what Palmer did at the '69 Masters tournament. He...he..."
"Tony...are you crying?"
"I've just been really into golf lately. These guys are really inspirational."
"Well, from here, it just looks really damn depressing. Get up."
Rhodes reached for Stark's arm but Tony yanked away and sat up, sticking up a socked foot in defense. Rhodes pulled on Tony's leg, but accidentally got a hold of Tony's balls through his boxers.
"Yow! Watch where you're grabbing!"
"Sorry, it was an accident. Believe me."
"Y'know, teenage girls and gay kids write stories every day that begin with this very scenario."
"Do you wanna make jokes and be depressed the rest of the day, or do you want help?"
"Sorry. Not in my nature."
Rhodes poured the half-full Arnold Palmer on Tony's crotch.
"That's cold!"
Rhodes took the opportunity to grab a tight headlock on Tony. Stark struggled to a standing position, but stumbled and both men fell onto the coffee table. In the movies it would have broken. They landed on the remote and the news came on.
"We are live in Beverly Hills where firefighters are still attempting to retrieve Mayor Soderburgh's cat, Tiffy, from a tree. Tensions are high, as we are at hour 6 of this standoff."
"Wait. You hear that? Let go of me. I'm up, I'm up."
Tony stood up and moved closer to the TV.
"Yeah, the mayor's cat's up a tree. What's the big deal?"
"JARVIS prepare the MARK 43, no, 46, for deployment."
"Yes, sir."
"Wait, you're going out as Iron Man to save a cat from a tree?"
"Yeah. Wanna come?"
"I think it sounds like a 1 man operation."
"Just the way I like it."
"Sounds like since Pepper left you've had our fair share of '1 man operations'."
"JARVIS, set up a flight plan to that tree in Beverly Hills."
"Already done, sir."
"Sssssssuper."
Tony went downstairs and the suit attached itself to him at break neck speed. The roof opened up and the eyes lit up inside the helmet.
"Tony, didn't Pepper always keep 3 or 4 cats around?"
"...gotta go."
He did.