Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Rating is intended for later chapters.

Chapter 6 – The Holidays Approach

Once Kate moved into Grimmauld Place, life settled into a fairly predictable routine. Sirius' mood swings lessened with her there and, as her Auror duties did not require travel for prolonged periods, Kate was generally able to spend a good deal of time at the Black family residence. Remus was grateful for Kate's presence for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the fact that he could now travel out of the country on Order business without worrying as much about Sirius' despondency when he did so. On too many occasions, he had returned to find empty Firewhiskey bottles – and an unconscious roommate – littering the house. When left to his own devices, Sirius' mind turned in on itself and he relived the worst of his memories. Nightmares made his nights unbearable and sleep impossible. Firewhiskey dulled the pain.

One pain that could not be dulled – by liquor or Kate's presence – was that caused by Severus Snape during his periodic visits to Grimmauld Place. The old boyhood bitterness was never very far away, especially when Sirius remembered that Snape had daily access to Harry, something that he, Sirius did not. Sirius also had the firm belief that Snape had transferred his hatred for James Potter to Harry and Sirius' inability to protect his godson from Snape's verbal abuse did nothing to help his sense of impotence.

That said, Kate provided Sirius with an anchor and, while their relationship was progressing slowly, it was progressing. While growing up, Sirius had been deprived of any physical demonstration of affection at home. At age 11, however, Sirius found it at Hogwarts, in the boys who would become more brothers than friends. Touch was part of his interaction with everyone – from an arm around Remus' shoulders as they walked to dinner in the Great Hall to his legs draped over James' lap while they sat and plotted pranks in the Common Room, touch kept Sirius grounded. While many thought him callous for his numerous romantic conquests at school, Remus – and later Kate understood that Sirius needed those relationships to feel that someone loved him, no matter how short a time they may have lasted. When Sirius found Kate, he discovered an emotional connection that made the physical affection so much deeper than anything he'd ever experienced. After his time in Azkaban, Sirius craved touch and Kate again filled that need. While their relationship had not progressed into physical intimacy, they were steadily growing closer and could more often than not be found together when Kate was at Headquarters.

As the weather turned colder and the holidays approached, Sirius' mood lightened further. Despite Remus' advice of caution, Sirius approached Dumbledore after an early December order meeting to ask if Harry could spend the Christmas/New Year holidays at Grimmauld rather than at school, as usual. In an amazingly magnanimous gesture, Sirius announced that the Weasleys, too, should certainly plan to spend the holidays – in whole or part – at Headquarters as his guests. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he considered Sirius' generosity as the relationship between the ex-convict and the Weasley matriarch was, as everyone knew, extremely tenuous. He agreed, however, and Sirius' smile lit up the dingy basement kitchen. After Dumbledore left that evening, the trio of Remus, Kate and Sirius settled into the library with warm butter beer and some of Molly's chocolate sugar biscuits left over from dinner.

Remus sat in one of the two wingback chairs in front of the fireplace; Kate settled herself on the loveseat between them. As he entered the room, Sirius grabbed parchment, quill and ink from the desk and dropped onto the floor next to Kate's feet. Clearing the top of the low table before him, he placed his writing supplies on its surface, loaded his quill and began writing.

Kate cast an amused glance at Remus, while inclining her head toward their very much occupied companion. Remus rolled his eyes and laughed to himself.

"You needn't be so smug, Mooney," Sirius commented from the floor, then looked up at his friend. "I know you," he continued as Remus crooked one eyebrow and opened his mouth as if to speak.

"Sirius," Kate chuckled. "What are you scratching out on your bit of parchment? Letter to Father Christmas?"

"No," the dark-haired man responded, pausing to tap the end of the quill against his teeth, as if in thought. "but that's not a bad idea. Perhaps I'll tackle it when I've finished this. Let him know he can transfer the two of you over to his 'naughty list' Save him a bit of time, I'd wager!"

Kate laughed and playfully tapped the top of his head. "Careful there, Padfoot. You're apt to wake up to a stocking full of kibble on Christmas morning. Now, give over. What are you scribbling away on?"

Sirius continued to write, but responded, "A list." Finishing with a flourish, he waved the parchment around to hasten the ink-drying process.

"A list," Remus repeated.

"A list," Sirius replied. "Things to do. Gifts to buy and wrap. Decorations to be put up."

Remus looked over at Kate. "I'm beginning to wish I had an assignment abroad. This project has disaster written all over it!"

"Oh ha, bloody ha, Mooney," Sirius replied. "I would ask you to remember that comments like that will not earn you a very nice present. Harry's coming and I'm going to give him a proper Christmas; most likely the first one he's had since…well, for a long time at any rate. Katie, wouldn't you like to help me transform Grimmauld Place into a proper holiday house?"

Kate smiled absently and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Of course, Sirius," she responded.

"That's my girl!" Sirius popped up from the floor and stretched before dropping gracefully onto the loveseat. "Now, here's what we'll need to do…"

For the next half hour Sirius reviewed his list of tasks, asking both Remus and Kate to help with the things that he could not do, such as trips to Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. Sirius would be in charge of "trimming", an announcement he made while rubbing his hands together and grinning with abandon. This prompted Remus to proclaim that he feared for both Kreacher's back and Harry's sensitivity to bright lights and glitter. He then announced that he was off to bed and bade them good night.

"That's right, Mooney," Sirius called after him. "You rest up. You've got a busy day tomorrow!"

Sirius was still smiling as the library door closed behind his friend and he was left alone with Kate. Sitting down beside her once again, Sirius took her hand and entwined their fingers. "You've gotten quiet, luv," he said. "Is something wrong?"

Kate turned to find him looking at her uncertainly. "No, I'm just thinking about Harry. Sirius, it's been so long since I've seen him. You know that I wasn't here when he came just before term, so he doesn't know me as a member of the Order – and he met just about everyone back then. Now, when he comes for Christmas, he'll find me living here. Don't you think he'll wonder about that?"

Sirius just stared at her for a moment, confused. "'Here' is Order headquarters. You're a member of the Order. It's really just like Remus, isn't it? I mean, Remus is a member of the Order and he lives here. Same thing, right?"

Kate took a deep breath. "How can you say that, Sirius? I knew his parents. I was a part of the first year of his life – with you. You and I were in a relationship. He and I have a relationship. I'm his Godmother. Shouldn't he know that about me? Shouldn't he have the opportunity to know me in that way?"

Sirius' brow furrowed. "Kate, I don't think this is the time to break that news to him. He's bound to have questions about us and he's going to wonder why no one told him about you before now. Why I didn't tell him. When he was here before the start of term, he was really angry with Dumbledore's edict that he be told nothing of Voldemort's movements. He felt betrayed by his friends who honored that edict. Dropping news like this can only bring that all up again. It's Christmas, Kate - the first one in a long time that we're all under the same roof. Couldn't it wait awhile?"

Kate listened to Sirius with a sinking heart. Since moving into Grimmauld Place, she had listened when Sirius shared the messages Harry sent him by owl, heard Remus' stories of his time spent as Harry's DADA professor and followed various reports of his activities and security filed during Order meetings. Through it all, Kate was increasingly aware of just how close – yet unreachable – her Godson was to her. Now, he would be under the same roof for his four week holiday and she could not tell him who she really was. It was frustrating and Kate's frustration had taken on a life of its own.

"Sirius, please understand where I'm coming from. I don't want the holidays to be stressful for anyone – not for you and certainly not for Harry. I'm totally aware of how much both of you have missed, how much you've suffered. But, Sirius," Kate leaned forward and clasped his hands in both of hers. "Sirius, don't you see? I've missed out, as well. I've lost time with you both. Harry knows that you're his Godfather and you've begun to re-establish that relationship with him. James and Lily intended that I have a similar relationship with him and that's all I'm asking to be able to do. I want so much to re-establish my relationship with Harry!"

Sirius removed his hands from hers and stood, beginning to pace back and forth in front of the hearth. "No, Kate, no! He will think that we've intentionally kept information from him – yet again! It will jeopardize Harry's sense of trust in all of us. The last thing he needs right now is more upheaval in his life." He stopped his pacing and turned to face Kate. "No, Kate. I think it's best that, for now, we introduce you as a member of the Order who went to Hogwarts with his parents, Remus and me. You're staying here because you've relocated from the States and, as we were friends in school, we're all spending time together again. When the time is right, you and I will sit down with him and tell him that James and Lily made us both his Godparents."

Kate felt a chill settle over her. "And when will the time be right, Sirius? When you choose? When Dumbledore gives his blessing? Surely you understand what I'm saying. The longer we wait, the more time is lost to us. You have him back, Sirius. You have your relationship with him now. Don't I deserve the same thing?"

Sirius' eyes never left her face. "Perhaps you should have made a different choice thirteen years ago, Kate," he said, his voice like steel.

"What are you suggesting?" Kate whispered, unwilling to believe where Sirius was headed.

"What I'm saying is that you had a choice to stay or go. Fight or flight, Katie-girl. You chose flight. You went to America; transferred to their Ministry of Magic as an Auror. You didn't have to leave. You could have stayed, you said so yourself. You could have stayed here, seen Harry whenever possible. You didn't, though; you left and you stayed away until Dumbledore summoned you back," he finished, sitting down in the chair Remus had vacated.

The chill Kate had felt earlier took hold in earnest. "Sirius," she said, her throat constricted. "I've told you why I left. I couldn't stay. James and Lily were dead. Peter was dead – I thought – and you were arrested and sent to Azkaban for all of it. Harry was delivered to those hideous Muggle relatives of Lily's. They would never have given him to me, Sirius never. Think of it: we were living together, everyone knew – Madeye, Dawlish, Kingsley." Kate rose and walked over to the mantle, her back to Sirius as she continued. "After I watched them arrest you, I went home. I suppose I was looking for something – anything that would explain why you had done it. I wasn't home an hour before they knocked at the door. I sat in an interrogation room for 6 bloody hours, Sirius, while they asked me questions I never thought I would have to answer about our relationship, our friends – your family. When they released me – no apologies mind you, for thinking I might have been involved – I went back home. Only, it wasn't much of a "home" by the time I got there. Apparently, after I was taken to the Ministry, a team of Aurors – our colleagues, Sirius – came to the flat and searched it. There wasn't much left intact. It was abundantly clear to me that I wasn't going to be allowed anywhere near Harry. Remus was nowhere to be found, Lily, James and Peter were dead and you were in prison. I was alone. I cut my losses and went where I thought I could safely regroup. It was never my intention to leave permanently. I always planned to return." Kate paused and turned around to face her former lover. He was looking at the fire and did not look up to meet her gaze. His expression was neutral, but a muscle in his jaw jumped as if he was clenching his teeth.

"You don't have to worry, Sirius. I won't disturb your relationship with Harry. You can introduce me any way you'd like and I'll go along with it; you won't have any trouble from me. I would ask, though, that you try to understand that my alternative to leaving was unacceptable: suspicion at work, nothing to come home to and no hope of seeing my Godson. It really wasn't much of a choice. I think I'll call it a night," Kate crossed the room and left.

Sirius remained seated for a moment after Kate closed the door, then rose suddenly and crossed the room to the liquor cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of Firewhiskey, threw the library door open with force and headed up the stairs to his room.