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Nerves

"Have fun cooling off eh, Moony?" Sirius winked when Remus entered the common room later that night.

"I was doing my arithmancy homework!" Remus said, trying not to blush.

"You were doing your arithmancy homework?! You have weird kinks, Rem. No offence."

"Oh, shut up," Remus said, rolling his eyes and sitting down next to Sirius. "Your mind is way too dirty."

Sirius grinned and shrugged. "Well, what can I say? It's in my genes."

Remus raised his eyebrows and laughed. "Right."

"What are we talking about?" James asked as he came to join them on the sofas.

"Remus was having a wank," Sirius said quickly.

"I was not!" Remus replied, shrinking back into his chair. James looked slightly amused.

"That's too much information, I'm afraid," he said, making a face. "Why do you even know that, Sirius?"

"I can just tell. Sixth sense and all that," Sirius grinned.

"Seriously, guys," Remus said. "I didn't... do that. I was just finishing my homework. Jeez, you two are annoying."

"You love us really," Sirius said.

Remus tried not to blush and stood up. "Yeah, of course I do," he said in the most sarcastic voice he could summon. "I'll see you guys later. I'm going to the library."

"HAVE FUN COOLING OFF IN THE LIBRARY," Sirius shouted after him, turning a lot of heads in the common room. Remus turned and shot him a furious look before promptly bolting out of the common room to avoid the amused stares from people.

##

"I thought I'd find you in here," Remus said to Lily as he sat down next to her in the library. She smiled.

"How are things with your... Sirius problem?"

Remus bit his lip. "I think my dream was trying to tell me something."

"And what's that?" Lily asked eagerly.

"I'm kind of mad about him," Remus said quietly, looking at his hands. "I don't know how I didn't realise before. Now everything's so much more complicated, though. I blush at the most unnecessary times, and he keeps making jokes about me heading up to the room to... you know, cool off... which makes me blush even more. God Lily, I'm scared he's going to find out and hate me!"

"Remus, you're just over-analysing things," Lily said patiently. "He won't figure it out. He's a guy. No offence, but guys aren't exactly perceptive when it comes to things like this. You just need to figure out what you want to do."

"I really don't know!"

"Do you think that there's any chance he might like you back?" Lily asked.

"No," Remus said sadly. "I mean, why would he?"

Lily smiled and rolled her eyes. "You are an amazing person, you know that Remus? You really are. Anybody would be lucky to be with you. Don't give me that look – it's true! You're the most wonderful, kind, honest and loving person I know. I bet you that if Sirius Black is gay, you're the one he wants."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Right. If you say so. You're delusional, by the way, but Sirius is definitely not gay."

"How do you know that for sure?" Lily challenged. "I mean, have you actually asked him?"

"Oh, sure," Remus said sarcastically. "'Hi Sirius, I was just wondering if you're gay?' Somehow, that might sound a bit dodgy."

"Okay," Lily said, ignoring his sarcasm. "You could find a way to slip homosexuality into the conversation, and casually ask his opinion on it. Maybe mention that you used to know somebody who was gay, and ask him if he knows anyone. I don't know. You need to at least know how he feels about it."

"What if he's homophobic?" Remus asked. "He is a pureblood. Aren't they all really prejudiced?"

"You know he's not like the rest of them," Lily said. "He's your best friend. I'm sure he'll accept you for who you are even if he's a tad homophobic. Really, something as small as that can't break a friendship like yours. You two are... you're special."

Remus smiled. "You think so?"

"Yes," Lily replied. "Definitely. He cares about you a lot. Everybody can see that, and I wouldn't be surprised if it did turn out that he feels the same way."

Remus liked the sound of that, but he chose to push it aside; he didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing.

"Honestly Lily, what do you think I should do? I mean – if you were in my situation – what would you do?"

Lily pondered this for a moment. "If it were me, I think I'd tell him how I feel."

"I don't know how to even go about telling him, though," Remus groaned. "And I'm getting nervous just at the thought of him knowing."

"Do you want to be with him?" Lily asked.

Remus nodded.

"Well, you're never going to be with him if you don't at least tell him how you feel. I promise you'll feel better once it's out. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, it'll be a weight lifted. You know? Remus, you don't have to do it but I think it would be a good idea. It's up to you."

"How do I tell him?" Remus asked. "Without it being awkward or weird?"

"It will be awkward no matter what," Lily said. "It always is when you tell somebody that you like them."

"I'm so nervous," Remus said, his heart beating fast at the thought of telling Sirius.

Lily took hold of his hand and squeezed it comfortingly. "You have nothing to be nervous about. I promise you it won't be as bad as you're imagining."

"Right, okay," Remus said, standing up quickly. "I think I'll go. If I don't do it right now, then I don't think I'll ever do it. Wish me luck."

Lily grinned. "Oh, good luck! Tell me what happens."

"I will," Remus said as he left the library, his nerves building up more and more with every step he took.

##

Remus opened the door to the dormitory slowly, peering inside. He saw James' curtains shut, and Peter was finishing up some work. Sirius was levitating a piece of screwed up parchment with his wand and letting it drop so it nearly hit his face, but catching it again in levitation before it could do so. Remus rolled his eyes and walked towards Sirius.

"Ah," Sirius said. "He's back."

"I... Sirius? Can we, er, talk?"

"Sure," Sirius said. "What's up?"

"I mean in private," Remus said quietly, looking nervously at Peter and then back at Sirius who now looked a mixture of intrigued and concerned.

"Okay," Sirius said. "Astronomy Tower?"

"Yeah," Remus said, his mouth feeling dry. Sirius gave him a strange look but got up from his bed and headed towards the door, with Remus following close behind.

They didn't say much on the way up to the Astronomy Tower, and when they reached there, Sirius looked at Remus expectantly.

Remus gave a nervous laugh and sat down next to Sirius. "It doesn't really matter, actually. Don't worry about it."

"You dragged me all the way up here to chicken out?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "You can trust me. You know that."

Remus let out a breath and closed his eyes. It was now or never.

"I had a dream," he said slowly. "A really weird dream. It made me realise some things about myself that I never knew before, but now that I know them, I can't get rid of the thoughts."

Sirius looked slightly confused. "Carry on..."

"I don't want you to think any differently of me after I tell you," Remus said quickly. "Please promise me you won't hate me."

"I promise," Sirius said. "I couldn't hate you, you're my best friend."

Remus smiled slightly and nodded.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said softly, looking at him in worry. "I promise. You look really nervous, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Remus replied, taking in a deep breath and looking directly into Sirius' eyes. "In my dream, I was with... a guy. We were doing... stuff. Sirius, I think I m-might be gay."

Sirius looked shocked. He spent about ten seconds just staring at Remus with his mouth hanging open, before he spoke. "Wow, that's... not what I expected."

Remus nodded, feeling sick. "Do you hate me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "No," he said. "I don't hate you. Don't be such a fool. I wouldn't hate you for being gay."

Remus let out a sigh of relief and smiled. "Thank you."

"It's okay," Sirius grinned, ruffling Remus' hair and leaning back against the wall. "So what were you and this mysterious dream guy doing, exactly? Having a little fun under the covers, were you?" Sirius smirked.

"You wouldn't want to know," Remus said, pursing his lips.

"Ha! So you were! What did he look like? Wait! Do you have a crush on anybody at Hogwarts?"

Remus had known Sirius would ask the question eventually, but he still wasn't ready to answer it.

"I... maybe... yes."

"Oh man, this is good," Sirius said. "Who is it?"

"I'm not telling you that," Remus replied.

"Come on! There's no need to be nervous. I mean unless it's me who you fancy, because, yeah I can understand why you'd be nervous about telling me then, but please tell me!"

Remus really wished his face would stay one colour, but unfortunately he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. Sirius noticed, and nodded with a slight smile.

"It's me, isn't it?"

Remus couldn't do anything but nod.

###