I'm sooooooo incredibly sorry for the long wait. If anyone's still here, thanks for being so patient. I promise to update much quicker now though that my exams are over, so don't worry :) Thanks for all the reviews, as always!

Fairy Princess Potions

Remus woke up the next morning to the sound of groaning from Sirius's bed. At first, his head was filled with dirty thoughts, and then he remembered the alcohol from the night before and he realised that Sirius probably had a pretty bad hangover.

When he opened his bed curtains, he saw James leaning over Sirius's bed.

"What're you doing?" Remus asked James, who turned around looking slightly guilty.

"Nothing," he said quickly. "Just checking on Sirius. He's hungover."

Remus slid out of his bed and walked towards James. "Then why do you look so guilty?"

"Nothing," squeaked Peter from behind James, who Remus hadn't even noticed was there until now.

"You're both acting really guilty," Remus said suspiciously, walking closer to Sirius's bed. "What's going on?"

James reluctantly moved to one side to let Remus past. Sirius was lying in his bed, looking a complete mess. When Sirius was Remus, he gave him a small smile and then leaned sideways over the bed to throw up in a bucket that someone had left there.

"What's up with you guys? What did you do?" Remus asked.

Sirius held up and empty vial, which he presumed had some sort of potion in it not long ago. Remus stared at James in confusion.

"Well," James said. "I made a potion for him."

"You made a potion for him?" Remus asked. "What kind of potion?"

"He calls it James's Magnificent Sobering Potion," Peter said excitedly. "It was all multi-coloured too!"

"Wait, so you made a potion and then Sirius actually drunk it?" Remus asked in horror, looking down at Sirius. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"I tested it out first!" James said defensively.

"On who?"

"A little eager first year that happened to be walking past," James said, with a guilty smile.

Remus closed his eyes and shook his head. "Wow," he said.

"Wow?" Peter questioned.

"You're so thick," Remus replied. "Firstly, you made a sobering potion for Sirius who isn't even drunk – he's hungover. Then, you tested it on a first year. A FIRST YEAR, JAMES! A first year who's never been drunk in his life, so your potion wouldn't work on him anyway!"

"You make a good point," James said, looking slightly embarrassed. "But in all fairness, I tested it on the first year just to make sure there were no side-effects."

"You know I'm a prefect, right?" Remus said angrily.

"But you would never put us in detention," Peter said, looking frightened.

"I bet you'd like to put me in detention," Sirius mumbled, with a strained smirk on his face.

James shot Sirius a weird look and then turned back to Remus. "I'm sorry, Remus. But it hasn't done anything to him anyway, so don't worry about it. We won't do it again."

"Promise?"

"We promise. Right, Wormy?"

"Yeah," Peter said quickly.

Sirius sat up in his bed abruptly and all colour drained out of his face. "Oh MERLIN, JAMES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!"

"What do you mean? You look fine!"

"There's something wrong," Sirius muttered, jumping out of bed. "Something's happening to me."

They all stared at Sirius, who was running around frantically, and then bolted into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

"See?" Remus said. "There will always be consequences."

"Shut up," James said quietly. "It's Sirius. He's always being overly-dramatic. There's probably nothing wrong."

Remus and Peter looked at James sceptically, when a sudden loud high-pitched scream came from the bathroom.

"What the-" James started, but the scream came again.

"Was that Sirius?" Peter asked.

"JAMES FUCKING POTTER!" came Sirius's uncharacteristically high-pitched voice. "YOU AND YOUR MULTI-FUCKING-COLOUR FAIRY PRINCESS POTION!"

Peter gasped. "I think you turned him into a fairy!"

James slapped Peter in the arm and ran towards the bathroom door. "Sirius, open up. What happened to you?"

"NOTHING," Sirius shouted from inside the bathroom.

Remus stepped towards the bathroom and pressed his ear to the door. He could have sworn he could hear sobbing.

"He's crying," Remus mouthed to James, who looked nervous.

"I can't believe you turned Sirius into a fairy," Peter said, pacing back and forwards across the bedroom.

"I didn't turn him into a fairy," James said through gritted teeth.

Remus knocked on the door lightly. "Sirius?" he said softly. "Are you alright? What happened to you?"

"James's fucking awful damned crappy potion. I hate you, James Potter!" Sirius cried through the door, still in a very high-pitched voice.

"Please open the door," Remus said.

"No."

"If you don't open the door, we'll open it," James warned. "Just tell us what happened. Wait, you aren't a fairy, are you?"

"I'm not a freaking fairy!" Sirius yelled.

"That's it," James said, losing his temper. "Move over, Remus. I'm opening this damned door."

"Don't," Remus said, pleadingly. "He's obviously upset about something."

"Well he's being a stubborn prat and not telling us what's going on!"

"Let me try to talk to him," Remus said. "He might talk to me. After all, I wasn't one of the idiots who gave him the potion."

James sighed and nodded, taking a step back with Peter.

"Hey Sirius? It's Remus. Please tell me what happened," Remus said quietly. "If you don't tell me, they're going to unlock the door."

"Don't wanna talk about it," came Sirius's voice from the other side of the door.

"Please?"

"Remus, it's horrible," Sirius said.

"Is he talking to you?" James whispered to Remus.

"Shh!" Remus said back, and then turned to the door again. "Sirius, what happened?"

"The damned potion turned me into a freaking girl."

Remus pursed his lips and tried not to laugh. That's why he suddenly had a high-pitched voice. "Sirius, I'm going to tell James and Pete, and we're going to help you."

"Uh huh," Sirius groaned from inside the bathroom.

"You turned him into a girl, James," Remus said.

James looked shocked. "I-what?!"

"So does he have boobs?" Peter asked with great interest.

"Uh, probably..."

"Do you think he'll let us touch em'?" James asked. "I don't know what he's complaining about. He has freaking tits! He can feel them up all he wants!"

"Oh come on," Remus said. "He's obviously embarrassed. We need to open the door, and you guys have to promise not to laugh at him."

"You mean 'her'," James said, falling about on the floor laughing.

"That's enough," Remus said, feeling slightly annoyed. "You know he doesn't find this funny, so stop laughing. He's pissed at you."

James sighed. "Fine."

"Hey, Sirius? Open the door. We promise we won't laugh," Remus said.

They heard the door unlock, and watched as the door slowly opened revealing a girl that very closely resembled Sirius. She had the same black hair, but longer. The same grey eyes. They were doing the exact same 'puppy-dog' expression.

Remus looked to James and Peter, who were obviously trying very hard not to laugh.

"Turn me back," Sirius said to James in a furious voice.

"I, uh... I don't know how," James said awkwardly.

"I'm not staying as a fucking girl forever!" Sirius shouted.

"Don't worry, we'll figure something out," Remus said quickly. He wondered how he could still be so attracted to Sirius even though he was now a girl. He'd expected his feelings to go away. After all, gay guys didn't find girls attractive, did they?

"You're sexy," Peter spluttered, staring at Sirius.

Remus felt a horrible twinge of jealousy at Peter's words.

"I've always been sexy," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "But you ain't getting any of this."

Peter coughed and turned around. "This is so weird," he mumbled.

"Have you felt yourself up yet?" James asked Sirius quickly. Peter turned around in interest.

"No," Sirius said.

"Well why not?!" James said in disgust. "Your tits are bigger than Joanne Knight's!"

"Maybe I'm too concerned about the fact that I'm a girl?" Sirius said angrily. "Where's the freaking cloak?"

Peter tossed the invisibility cloak towards Sirius, who threw it over himself. "Well," Sirius said. "Aren't we going to find a way to change me back?"

"Yeah, of course."

##

On their way down to the potions classroom, Remus was amused to find Sirius pulling the cloak off now and again to check himself out in different reflections.

"I'm so damned hot!" he said.

Yes, you are, Remus thought. But not as hot as you are as a guy.

"I swear you're mad," James said. "If it were me, I'd be upstairs getting some hot lesbian action on with Lily right now."

Remus raised his eyebrows at James. "Really?"

"Hell yeah!" James said.

"The very thought makes me want to puke," Sirius said. "Lily's not my type. Besides, you'd kill me if I got some hot lesbian action on with her."

"You could always get it on with Wormtail," James teased.

"That's disgusting," Sirius said, glaring at James. He put the cloak back on as he heard someone coming around the corner.

"Oh hey, Evans," James said as Lily appeared.

"Oh no," she groaned. "What do you want, Potter?"

"I want some hot lesbian action," he said. "Me and you."

Remus couldn't stop himself from bursting out laughing. Peter looked on the verge of doing the very same, and Lily looked utterly confused and amused at the same time.

"Potter," she said slowly. "With all due respect, you're not a girl."

"Yeah," he said dreamily. "But I can be if that's what you want."

Lily took a step back. "Uh, what's gotten into you?"

"James turned Sirius into a girl with this multi-coloured potion that he made by himself because Sirius was hungover and he wanted to feel better," Peter said quickly.

Lily's eyes widened. "You made your own potion, and then Sirius drunk it?"

"That's exactly what I said," Remus said to Lily, who looked concerned.

"Where is he? Sirius."

Peter pulled the cloak off of Sirius, who scrambled to pick it back up again.

Lily grabbed the cloak before he could do so and held it behind her. "Oh, Sirius," she said, looking amused. "You make a lovely girl."

"Give me the damned cloak, Evans!"

"Just give it back to him," Remus said. "He doesn't want anyone to see."

"No," Lily said, with a mischievous smile. "I think after all the hell he's put me through, it's time to get even. Bye, Sirius."

She ran off with the cloak, and Sirius ran after her, only to come running straight back when he heard people around the corner.

"Take me to Slughorn's office NOW," Sirius shouted furiously.

James, Remus and Peter all tried to hide Sirius in between them as they slowly made their way towards Slughorn's office.

"Check around the corners," Sirius ordered James and Peter. When they walked ahead, Sirius turned to Remus.

"Since I'm technically a girl now," he said slowly. "It wouldn't be so bad if I kissed you."

Remus's eyes widened as Sirius leaned forwards to kiss him, but he pushed Sirius away. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "But if I ever get to kiss you, I want it to be you."

"This is me."

"You're a girl," Remus hissed. "It's not the same."

"But you're still attracted to me," Sirius replied. "I saw you staring at my boobs earlier."

"Um-"

"- Which means that you aren't gay," Sirius said triumphantly. "You're not attracted to guys, you're just attracted to me."

Remus blushed.

"Coast's clear," James whispered, and they carried on towards Slughorn's office. When they finally arrived, Professor Slughorn didn't even look confused.

"I've been expecting you," he said.

"You have?" Peter asked.

"A young first year came crying to me this morning because two certain mischievous older students had made him drink a multi-coloured potion they'd made by themselves, and it had turned him into a girl."

James and Peter exchanged worried looks. They knew they were going to be in trouble.

##

"How does it feel to be a guy again?" James asked Sirius, who was looking happier than ever now that he was back to himself.

"It feels awesome," he said. "Although I do regret not feeling myself up."

"Are you still annoyed with me?" James asked.

"No," Sirius said, smirking. "But if you could make some more of that potion and slip it into Snivellus's drink, that would be amazing."

"Absolutely not!" Remus said. "You know how much trouble James and Peter are in."

"Aw, but it'd be so much fun," Sirius whined.

"Speaking of trouble," James said. "Come on, Peter. We have a detention to get to."

James and Peter slowly shuffled down the other corridor, leaving Sirius and Remus alone.

"Sorry about earlier," Sirius said. "I didn't... I mean, I don't know. It doesn't make any sense."

"Don't worry about it," Remus said quietly.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius asked.

"Sure."

"Last night," he said. "Were you trying to kiss me?"

Remus snorted and shook his head. "No, actually. I wasn't trying to kiss you."

Sirius looked confused. "So I was trying to kiss you?"

Remus nodded.

"So why didn't you let me? Isn't that what you wanted?"

"You were drunk," Remus said. "You didn't know what you were doing. You'd have regretted it, and I'd have felt awful for letting you do it."

"I don't know what came over me," Sirius admitted. "I don't want to kiss you."

Remus tried not to let the words crush him, but he could feel his heart shattering. "Oh," was all he could say.

"I don't mean that in a bad way!" Sirius said quickly. "I just mean that, you know, you're a guy. It's just not something, um... I'm sorry, Remus."

"It's fine," Remus said, forcing a smile. "I didn't expect anything."

"I thought you should know that I might be getting a girlfriend soon," Sirius said quietly, avoiding eye contact with Remus.

"Oh," Remus said, breathing out slowly. "Okay."

"I just can't deal with this right now," Sirius explained. "I tried to kiss you while I was drunk. No way I'm letting that happen again. I need a girlfriend."

"Right," Remus replied. He felt like Sirius had punched a hole right through his heart. It took all of his strength to keep a straight face when all he wanted to do was curl up and cry.

"You're my best friend. We can't be anything more than that."

"I get it," Remus said. Sirius nodded and patted Remus on the shoulder.

"See you later, Rem."

"Bye," Remus croaked as Sirius headed towards the Great Hall. He didn't want to follow him. He didn't want to know which lucky girl would get to kiss the person he was mad about. He didn't want to see Sirius at all right now.

Why did you get your hopes up?

He knew he shouldn't have. Sirius had told him that he was straight. Though he had definitely been flirting, and had tried to kiss him now twice in less than twenty-four hours.

It was nothing, he told himself. Don't think about it. Don't think about him. You'll only hurt yourself more.

Remus headed upstairs and decided to take a nap. Anything to take his mind off of what Sirius was doing downstairs.

With every second he lay in bed trying to fall asleep, he felt his heart break a little bit more.

###