Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter.
Chapter 16 – Memories Explored, Darkness Encountered
Kate awoke and immediately knew that she was alone. She opened her eyes and confirmed that not only was Sirius' place beside her empty – it was also cold. She glanced over at the bathroom. The door was open, the room dark. Kate sat up and glanced at her watch, squinting to see the time in the dim light of the typical, sputtering candle. She was surprised to see that it was slightly past 2:30 in the morning. By the time everyone had decided to call it a night and Sirius had located Kreacher and set him to clearing up the detritus of their party, it had been well after 1 AM. They had come upstairs, both tired from the events of the day, and had spoken little before getting into bed; while they hadn't made love, Sirius had embraced her and Kate had fallen asleep in his arms.
Kate thought back to the events of their evening and couldn't immediately pinpoint anything that might have upset Sirius or caused him to be unable to sleep. He had been extremely moved by Harry's gift, Kate thought as she rose and pulled on her robe, belting it tightly about her waist. The two had spent time talking together after Sirius had opened the watch, but their conversation had appeared completely normal, although Sirius repeatedly touched or looked at the watch on his wrist. Kate hoped Sirius' absence was due to simple insomnia and not some dark memory triggered by an innocent gift from the Godson who adored him. She took her wand from the table and quietly made her way out of the room. Kate's first thought was to check the library. If something about the evening had upset Sirius, he most likely would have gone back there to brood. Scene of the crime, she thought, hoping her instincts were right and he wasn't upstairs with Buckbeak. She didn't relish an encounter with that particular magical creature tonight.
As she descended the staircase and approached the library, Kate was surprised to hear the low murmur of voices from behind the half-closed door. As she drew nearer, her surprise was complete as she beheld Sirius and Harry seated on the small loveseat, deep in conversation. While Kate knew she shouldn't intrude, she couldn't help but feel a bit envious of Sirius and his place in his – no, their – Godson's life. As Kate began to turn around and head back up to Sirius' room, Harry's voice floated clearly across the room.
"Is this a photo album?"
Kate turned back to the doorway, shielding herself from view, but standing in a position where she could both see and hear the occupants of the room. Damn the proprieties, she thought to herself.
She saw Harry gesture to the album that Sirius had placed on the low table in front of them. Sirius paled, but nodded. "Mmm," he murmured. "Just some old pictures from long ago."
Clearly intrigued, Harry looked from the photo album to his Godfather, then back again. "May I look at them?" he asked.
Sirius hesitated, his fingers absently fidgeting on the arms of his chair. "Harry, I haven't looked at all of them, myself, yet. I'm not sure ..."
Harry picked up the album before Sirius could react and said, "Well, since neither of us can sleep, maybe we could look at it together. Maybe there are pictures of Mum and Dad and…."
Kate watched as the album fell open on the boy's lap and the picture of Sirius and her met Harry's gaze. "Sirius, isn't this Kate?" Harry asked after a long moment.
Sirius cleared his throat. "Yes. Yes, that's Kate," he responded. "It was taken when we were at school. I think Kate told you that we were friends when we were at Hogwarts together."
Harry looked at Sirius for a long moment, and then began to turn the pages. Image after image met his gaze, many of Kate and Sirius together and others of the couple with James, Lily and Remus. Although Sirius watched the pictures as they went by, there was little recognition on his face. Only the photos that included Kate seemed to register – and those provoked what appeared to be great sadness on the older man's face.
"Kate's in quite a few of these pictures," Harry said softly, looking over at his Godfather.
Sirius gazed into the fire for a few moments before he answered. "Yes, she is," he replied, an odd edge to his voice.
"You must have been close," Harry continued, with the awkward curiosity of a teenaged boy.
Sirius nodded, silently.
Harry wasn't letting it go. "She knew Mum and Dad – and Professor Lupin…"
Sirius seemed to shake himself out of whatever contemplative stupor he'd been mired down in. "Yes, yes, we were all friends back then, Harry," he said, roughly.
Kate looked at Sirius' face as Harry clumsily tried to ask the question on his mind. There was an apprehension there, no – more than apprehension. There was fear. He shrugged his shoulders. "We were friends, Harry. We are friends," he said firmly, finally.
Harry leaned over and handed Sirius the album. "Sorry," he mumbled. "None of my business."
Sirius clenched his hands together in his lap as he heard the tone of Harry's voice. So young, so afraid of offending the man who really was the only family he had. No, not the only family, Sirius shook his head at the annoyingly correct voice in his head. He was brought out of his reverie by the sound of Harry's voice. Timidly, he was saying, "It's just that you seemed to be more than friends in some of those pictures; you looked more like Mum and Dad. I just thought…" he trailed off.
Kate's breath caught in her throat. Her brain screamed at her to leave before Sirius responded, but her feet wouldn't obey.
Sirius drew a deep breath and leaned over to Harry, putting his hand over the boy's. "Once, Kate and I were more than friends," he was saying. Harry's head shot up and he met his Godfather's gaze. "But the war got in the way. Things happened. Your parents died. Our whole world was virtually destroyed. I was taken…well, you know what happened there."
Harry's eyes widened. "What happened to Kate?"
"Harry, things were so chaotic then. There was so much distrust and suspicion. It tore friendships apart, ruined relationships. Everyone was afraid. We all walked around looking over our shoulders. There was a spy in the original Order and we were desperately trying to work out who it was. When we couldn't, we let fear and suspicion gain even more ground. It happened to all of us," Sirius spoke rapidly, desperation in his voice. "We even suspected Remus – you know that. You remember that from the Shack – when we confronted Peter. Peter!" Sirius spat out. "The only one we didn't suspect. The only one we should have suspected!" He jumped up and began to pace in front of the fireplace, clenching and unclenching his fists, arms by his sides. Kate watched him nervously and could clearly see that Harry was disconcerted by his Godfather's sudden change in demeanor. Sirius was speaking again.
"That's how it was back then. Fear, suspicion – we forgot who we should trust. Remus suspected me because I couldn't bring myself to look in his eyes. He would disappear for long periods of time on assignment for Dumbledore. I thought he was in league with Voldemort; Remus was scouting werewolf camps – risking his life for the cause, not plotting to give precious lives over to the enemy! My ego kicked in. I couldn't risk being their Secret Keeper because I was afraid if I was captured, the Death Eaters would torture your hiding place out of me." Sirius ran his hands through his hair, and then turned to face Harry. "I knew it all back then. I knew they'd never suspect Peter. So, I went to your parents and I convinced them to use that bastard rat. I handed their lives over to Voldemort because I thought I knew bloody everything!" He gave a growl that was chillingly reminiscent of the dog he could become. He threw himself back into his chair, breathing heavily.
Kate could see Harry trembling slightly, his eyes wide. Then, Sirius spoke again. "I never meant to hand them over, Harry."
Harry made to stand to go over to the older man, but sat down abruptly when Sirius rose suddenly and walked over to the low table in front of Harry, swept the top clear and sat directly in front of his Godson. Looking the boy in the face, Sirius started speaking rapidly, desperately, as if his life depended on what he had to say to Harry. "After I'd found them and surrendered you to Hagrid, I went looking for Pettigrew. "
Harry nodded, but didn't dare interrupt the flow of words. He knew the story; Sirius seemed to have forgotten his earlier acknowledgement that it had all come out in the Shrieking Shack.
"He framed me, Harry. He framed me in front of the Muggle police, in front of Kate. Harry, Kate was there when they arrested me. She saw me taken away. You know how crazed I was. The entire wizarding world believed me guilty. The Ministry knew we were together back then."
Kate held her breath. Harry took advantage of Sirius' need for oxygen. "What happened to Kate, Sirius?" he asked again.
"The Aurors – our friends - searched our flat, brought her in for questioning. When they couldn't get anything out of her, they gave up trying. She was released," Sirius replied. "She went to America and worked in their Ministry as an Auror."
"She thought you were guilty, too," Harry said, flatly.
Kate's heart sank. The sudden resentment in that boy's voice was almost more than Kate could bear. Sirius, please; don't let Harry walk away from this conversation resenting me on your behalf.
"Everyone did" Sirius replied, still wringing his hands, but appearing somewhat less frenzied – to Kate's considerable relief. "Remus thought me guilty, as well. I never blamed either of them, Harry."
"But if she had come forward," Harry began.
"There was nothing either of them could have done," Sirius said quietly.
Harry sighed. "Did she know me, too?"
"Of course she knew you, Harry," Sirius said sharply. "I told you that we were all friends back then – your parents, Remus, me…that sodding rat," the last said in a snarl. "We all knew you, spent time with you."
Harry's own nerves had been frayed since his arrival at Grimmauld Place. Between the Dementor attack in Little Whinging before term started the presence of Dolores Umbridge at Hogwarts and Arthur's recent attack, the boy had been through enough emotional upheaval. He was letting Sirius' uneven behavior give him license to let a little of his own control slip. Kate began to wonder if she should make her presence known to the occupants of the library – to avoid the confrontation she had a feeling was looming. She realized that entering the fray could provoke the situation further and resolved to wait a bit longer to see how things played out.
"Were she and Mum close?" Harry asked, his voice slightly defiant."
Sirius stared at Harry. "She was your mother's best friend," he bit out. "She was there the day you were born – we both were. She waited with us until we could see you. She and I were the first to hold you after James and Lily. I'd say they were close."
Harry blinked as he considered Sirius' answer. Kate could almost see the wheels turn. Not like this. Not in bitterness. Not because you've had a bad time looking at those photos, Sirius. Don't tell him like this. We'll all resent it – especially Harry.
"Sirius, you and Kate were still together when I was born, weren't you?" Harry asked.
Now! Kate strode into the room. "Enough!" she cried, causing Sirius and Harry to both jump. Sirius turned and stared at her, shaking his head slowly.
"No," he murmured. "Don't."
Harry rose, coming around the other side of the table and walking slowly toward her.
"Sirius," Kate said softly. "Please. Things have gone far enough. You're both far too overwrought to discuss this any more tonight."
"Kate," Harry spoke quietly. "There's something going on – something that concerns me. I'd like to know."
Sirius looked from Kate to Harry and back again, then turned and went back to his chair, resuming his seat.
"Harry, please understand that no one has been keeping anything from you deliberately and that no one wanted to hurt you," Kate began, moving forward and catching Harry by the arm. When they were both seated on the love seat, Kate continued. "Harry, everything Sirius has told you tonight is true. We were all friends in school – your parents, Remus, Sirius and Pettigrew." Ignoring Sirius' loud growl, Kate continued. "War makes people do and say things they ordinarily wouldn't do or say. Yes, there was great suspicion and division in the Order, but everyone was united in their desire and commitment to protect your parents."
Kate took a deep breath and stole a glance at Sirius. His head was bowed and his hands were folded in his lap. She pressed onward. "When you were born, Sirius and I were still together. Lily wanted Sirius to be your Godfather and James, of course, was thrilled to have his best mate in that role. James raised the question of a Godmother as Sirius was single. Traditionally, the Godparents are a couple and, while we were together, Sirius and I weren't married. Harry, your parents didn't care about that at all." Kate took a deep breath, knowing that she could not back out now. "And so they made me your Godmother on the day you were born."
Harry's eyes got very wide and he looked over at Sirius for some type of confirmation. Sirius remained silent – head bowed.
Harry kept Kate's gaze while asking, "Why didn't you stay? Why didn't you take me instead of the Dursleys? Why didn't you help Sirius?"
Kate felt her eyes fill. "Oh, Harry, I was a mess. I'd lost Sirius to Azkaban – and the Dark Side, it appeared. I tried to take you, but Dumbledore wouldn't hear of it. He said you needed the protection of your mother's blood. And so, you were to stay with her sister. Dumbledore made it clear that I was to have no access to you, which was very painful. I knew I couldn't have you with me, so I left. I went to America, as Sirius told you. It was the best solution at the time."
"But I don't understand. Why didn't you just tell me?" Harry asked.
Kate looked at Sirius again. Nothing. "Because you'd already been through so much, with everything that happened last year and now everything you've been through since summer." She reached over and laid her hand over his and was gratified when he didn't pull away. "Harry, no one meant to deceive you or keep anything from you. Please know that."
Harry nodded, but didn't look up. "I just wish people would stop treating me like I can't handle things. I wish people would just tell me the truth," he murmured.
Kate's eyes filled. "I understand, Harry," she said. "Please know that no one intentionally lied to you. No one meant to hurt you. We just didn't want to add more stress to your life."
Harry nodded again then looked up at her. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you now that I know. I'm sorry, only … I just don't know you very well."
Kate felt her heart constrict at his words. When she spoke, she could hear the tightness in her voice. "Harry, I don't expect anything from you; that wouldn't be fair to you. We've been doing alright so far, haven't we? Why don't we just continue on as we've been and we'll just see how it all goes, yes?"
Harry looked slightly relieved and nodded again.
"It's late. You'll feel better in the morning, after you've had some sleep," Kate suggested.
Harry rose. "Good night, Kate," he said. Then, looking over at Sirius, he spoke again. "Good night, Sirius."
This time, Sirius raised his head. His face was pale. "Good night, Harry," he whispered.
Harry nodded and left the room.
Sirius watched him leave then turned his gaze back to Kate. "I hope you're pleased," he said, his voice cold.
Kate steeled herself. This was exactly the reaction she thought he would have. "Sirius, he had already figured it out for himself based on your conversation. I think he would have resented it even more if we hadn't spoken up."
"And you were lurking in the hallway to take advantage of the opportunity," Sirius stated.
"I woke up alone and came looking for you to make sure you were alright. Your conversation was already in progress when I found you," Kate replied, suddenly exhausted by the events of the evening. "Yes, I know I should have gone back upstairs and not eavesdropped, but I couldn't help myself. When I heard my name, I stayed. It was wrong and I'm sorry. I just … I guess I just wanted to listen. Once I knew he was looking at the album, I just wanted to see if he put it together."
Sirius rose. "Well, you got your wish, didn't you? And now we'll wait and see how much damage it does, whether or not he still trusts any of us."
Kate sighed. "Sirius, he still has over a week before he has to go back to school. He'll be here with us the whole time. We'll be available to talk with him, to answer his questions. It's far more likely that he'll adjust well to the news and go back to Hogwarts knowing that he has a little more family than he had before the holidays. He's not stupid, Sirius."
Sirius looked at her. "I'm going to bed. Perhaps you'd like to see me to my room so you'll know where I am," he said, sarcasm in his voice. "It will eliminate the need for you to roam the halls looking for me later on."
Kate's head snapped up as if he'd struck her. She shook her head.
"No?" he questioned. "Well, then I'll just say goodnight." Sirius paused for a moment and when Kate made no reply, he left.
Kate made her way over to Sirius' chair and sank down into the deep cushion. She closed her eyes and thought that, once again, things had spiraled out of control between the two of them. Kate was still there when the sun began to send pale pink fingers of light through the window shutters and sleep, finally, claimed her.