Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter.
Chapter 18 – Confrontation and Aftermath
Sirius awoke to darkness, a thin veneer of sweat covering his skin. The candle had gone out – again – and he fumbled for his wand to re-light the wick. Having done so, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat for a moment, collecting himself. He looked at his watch, lying on the table next to the bed. The flickering candle cast just enough light for him to see the time: 4:10 AM. Sirius stood and made his way to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he stripped his wrinkled robes from his body, moved to the shower and was soon standing under a steady stream of hot water. Although the water and familiar routine soothed his aching muscles, they did nothing to lift the darkness of his spirits. As Sirius rinsed the soap from his body, his mind recalled images of the previous night's confrontations – first with Harry and then with Kate. Sirius felt his body tremble as he recalled his conversation with Harry. The ravages of Azkaban were visible in his appearance (particularly to those who remembered him from school or had seen pictures of that time) and in his mood swings. That said, however, last night was the first time that Sirius had lost control of the darkness – and his temper – in front of Harry. Until last night, Sirius had managed to keep a tight rein on those emotions when Harry was around and, Merlin only knew what Harry must be thinking now that he'd actually seen that side of Sirius. Turning off the shower and stepping out onto the cold floor, Sirius grabbed a towel and began to roughly dry himself. Finishing, he wrapped the towel around his waist, used grooming and drying charms to deal with his beard, teeth and hair and moved back into his bedroom to dress.
Sirius realized that he was completely exhausted – physically, mentally and emotionally – but he was too agitated to try to sleep any more at the moment. Visions of Harry's face danced in front of Sirius' eyes each time he closed them and the anger in Harry's voice echoed in his mind. Sirius grabbed boxers from his dresser drawer, then roughly jerked open the door of his wardrobe, pulling out and donning a pair of Muggle jeans. He turned and rifled through the clothing he'd draped on the back of his chair and his hand touched the soft wool of the sweater Kate had given him for Christmas. Sirius felt his anger from the night before course through his body and he growled as he lifted the garment and threw it across the room, breathing heavily as he watched it land in a corner. Despite all her pretty platitudes about respecting his wishes, she had betrayed him! Sirius plucked a black turtleneck jumper from the pile and pulled it on as he crossed the room to his bedside table. He put on the watch Harry had given him the night before, then reached for the photo album he had placed under his pillow after he had opened it in the wee small hours of Christmas morning. Almost immediately, he remembered that he would not, in fact, find what he was looking for…at least not here. Walking determinedly out of his bedroom, Sirius made his way down to the library. Reaching his destination, Sirius opened the door and strode over to the low table in front of the fire. He remembered sweeping the items from the top of the table in his haste to speak with Harry last night. Withdrawing his wand from his pocket, Sirius muttered, "Lumos" and quickly located the album in the dim light it cast. Picking it up from the floor, Sirius turned back toward the door and, as he did so, his gaze fell on his chair and his eyes narrowed as he saw Kate, asleep, curled up in its depths. She had obviously been there since the night before but, in his current mood, Sirius could not bring himself to care. He walked over to the fireplace where the remnants of last night's fire glowed dimly. Sirius looked down at the album he clutched in his hand. The album Kate had given him to help him recover his memories. The album that had triggered last night's confrontation with Harry. The album that had given Kate the opportunity to break her word to him and to tell Harry the truth about who she was. Pausing only for a moment, Sirius threw the album into the fire then turned on his heel and walked out of the room. He didn't hear the gasp of surprise from the corner, nor hear the soft footfalls of a black-haired, bespectacled boy as he made his way to the fireplace and carefully pulled the singed album from the embers. Dropping it on the hearth and allowing any sparks to burn out, Harry gently picked up the album, tucked it in the sleeve of his jumper and silently left the room. Through it all, Kate never stirred.
Sirius walked into the kitchen and came to a screeching halt as he found Remus seated at the table. It took every ounce of self-control he possessed not to turn around and bolt back upstairs. If there was ever a time he couldn't take Remus' probing questions or persuasive conversation, this was it. Sirius nodded in the direction of his best friend and walked over to the cupboard for a mug. "Mooney," he muttered in greeting as he poured himself a mug full of tea.
Remus similarly inclined his head. "Padfoot," he said, watching Sirius add milk and sugar to the steaming mug with a trembling hand. Remus' gaze shot to Sirius' face and he was unsurprised to see bloodshot eyes ringed by dark circles. As Sirius hurriedly turned back to the door to leave, Remus stopped him with a single sentence.
"I had tea with Harry this morning."
Sirius stopped so abruptly, some of his tea sloshed onto his boots. Turning slowly, Sirius faced Remus, his expression dark. "I am in no mood for an interrogation this morning, Remus," he advised his friend.
Remus raised an eyebrow. "I merely told you I had tea with Harry earlier. I had no intention of conducting an interrogation, Sirius. I am sorry you seem to have had such a difficult night."
"Harry told you I had a tough night, did he?" Sirius asked, taking a step closer to the table and setting the mug on its surface.
Remus looked the Animagus dead in the eye. "I don't need a teenager to tell me what I can see with my own eyes. You look like hell."
"What happened to all those lovely manners of yours, Mooney?" Sirius' smile and tone were sarcastic and his eyes remained cold as he looked down at his friend. "Generally, you would just look all sympathetic and understanding while gently trying to encourage me to talk about my problems."
Remus rose and reached across the table so swiftly, Sirius' shoulders were held in an iron grip and he was pulled against the table before he realized what was happening. Sirius lost a bit of his cocky arrogance as he felt Remus' fingers tighten. The table pressed cruelly against his thighs and he could feel Remus' breath puff against his face as he began to speak.
"My manners – lovely or otherwise – seem to have lost their impact on you," Remus said, his jaw clenched and his voice deadly quiet and his eyes showing more amber than blue. Sirius realized that he had finally pushed the werewolf to the limit of his patience and that now he was facing an equal measure of both man and wolf. He forced himself to remain still as Remus continued. "And so I will try the more direct route and hope that it succeeds where manners have failed. I do not understand nor do I sympathize with anyone who is so willing to throw away a second chance with both hands as you are doing right now! I know how much you've lost, Sirius, because I still have the memories – I lived them. I would do anything for you to reclaim them. They are a link to who we both used to be, to a time we both shared. Kate is a link to that time." Remus ignored Sirius' low growl as he heard her name. "Harry is a link to that time – and he lost more than any of us combined!" Remus paused and Sirius' head dropped as his body drooped slightly in his grasp. "I want you to sit down and listen to me. If I let go of you, will you do that?" Sirius nodded, his eyes closed. Remus gave Sirius a slight push as he let go and watched him slump into the chair behind him.
Remus reached behind him to right his own chair that had tipped over when he'd risen so abruptly. Seating himself, he glanced over at Sirius and muttered, "Good. Now, open your eyes. I want you to look at me while I talk to you."
Sirius opened his eyes obediently. Although he was irritated at his friend's treatment, he knew better than to cross Remus when he was this angry.
"So Harry knows about Kate," Remus began. "She told him. In front of you. And from what I'm given to understand, you didn't bother participating in the conversation. Save it!" he bit out, seeing Sirius open his mouth to speak. "I'm not interested in hearing anything from you at the moment." Remus was gratified to see Sirius' mouth close, although his blue eyes glittered dangerously back at him. "I understand that you have a photo album and I know that it came from Kate because she asked me to look at it before she wrapped it. She wanted to make sure that having it wouldn't do more damage to you than the good she intended it to do. I told her that it was a risk, but then again, everything is. At this point, anything can trigger an episode – whether it's dark moods or nightmares. You just need more time. Having Kate with you seemed to be helping just as having Harry here has made such a positive difference…until today, that is. But I digress. I don't know everything that happened last night, but I'll wager I can guess with fair accuracy. I'm sure that watch opened a door in your mind; I saw your reaction when you unwrapped it. I was there when James gave you the original. I know how much it meant to you. I have absolutely no idea how that boy came to buy that particular gift, but I know that at some level, Harry's replacement of his father's original gift to you triggered something in that muddled brain of yours. I'm betting it didn't take you long to pull out that album again. And Harry found you – and the photos. He did tell me that he looked at some of the photos while you both were in the library and that you became very upset when he asked about Kate. I reckon I know why." Sirius looked away from the werewolf at that.
"Sirius, look at me," Remus' voice was still commanding, but the tone was slightly less harsh. When his friend complied, Remus continued, "He was getting close to the truth and you knew it, didn't you? He was going to guess on his own and, somehow, that made it even worse in your eyes. You were right, too, Sirius. Harry told me himself. He had begun figuring things out seeing the two of you together these last weeks. What was news to him was that your relationship had so much history, that it went back so far." Remus paused, leaning forward in his seat and clasping his hands on the table before him. "Harry told me that you were angry with Kate, that he had the impression you didn't want her to tell him the truth. He doesn't understand why."
"But you enlightened him," Sirius responded, his voice flat.
Remus sighed. "I told him that he needed to seek you out and talk with you. He wants to get to know Kate but he's afraid that doing so is disloyal to you and will make you angry. – especially after seeing your reaction to her last night. He realizes that he has very little time to resolve this with you before he leaves for school and it's important to him that he does so. Padfoot, please don't hide away from him this week. Let him come to you and resolve this thing. Don't let him go back to Hogwarts to worry about you – and this situation."
Sirius shifted in his chair. "May I speak, now?" he asked. At Remus' nod, he continued. "Look, I am angry with Kate and I think I'm justified. She came downstairs, saw Harry and I together and stood outside the door listening to our conversation. Kate heard the opening she's been waiting for to barge in and tell Harry who she is to him. She grabbed onto it, waltzed into the library and told him she was his Godmother. Not too cricket of her, Remus. We had a deal. If she could hold on until after Christmas, we'd tell him together – before he went back to school. She didn't keep her word, Remus. Kate did what she wanted to do despite what she'd promised."
Remus frowned. "There had to be some reason she stopped being an observer and came into that room, Sirius."
Sirius snorted loudly. "I told you, Remus. She saw her chance. She overheard Harry starting to ask questions and, without so much as a by your leave, she came marching in, eager to share the news."
Remus shook his head. "But that doesn't sound like her at all, Sirius. But even if she did do it for selfish reasons, why didn't you step in and participate in the conversation instead of leaving it all to her?"
Sirius looked at his old friend, incredulity spread across his pale features. "'instead of leaving it all to her'?! Remus, she was doing fine on her own. She didn't need me to step in, believe me." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. "You should have heard Harry, Remus. He was so upset. He asked her why we didn't tell him before. He asked her why she didn't stay to help me and take care of him. He even asked her why she didn't take him with her to the States. It was even worse than I thought it would be."
Remus sighed. "But, Sirius, don't you see that if you had joined in and helped Kate explain it to him, it might have made it easier for him? For everyone, really."
Sirius' brows came together. "What do you mean? What did he say to you?"
"He's frustrated, Sirius. Frustrated with Kate for not telling him when she had the chance to do so. Frustrated with you for not telling him, but also for being angry with Kate. Frustrated at the situation because he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about or treat Kate – a woman with such a strong connection to both him and his parents – not to mention you, but whom he really doesn't know. Most of all, Sirius, he's a boy who doesn't know which way to turn to avoid hurting someone he loves. And he's not putting himself very high on the list of people to please, either," Remus stopped. "You're the adult here, Sirius. You've been going on and on about your responsibilities to Harry. You complain constantly about your inability to really protect him and take care of him because you're stuck here. Well, here's your chance. Take care of him by having an honest conversation with him. Tell him the truth about why you didn't tell him about Kate in the beginning. Give him permission to get to know her and don't be angry or withdrawn when he does – no matter how you feel about Kate yourself. If you really want to give Harry something meaningful, Sirius, give him his Godmother without any animosity or guilt." Remus sat back in his chair. "Don't hide from the boy this week because you're afraid he won't love you anymore. Sirius, that boy loves you like a father. You can't change that, no one can. If he's upset with you, it's normal. You may not remember how many times I fell out with my father, but we had a fair few confrontations in our time. It never meant we didn't love each other, yeah? Let him come to you and get this resolved."
"All right, Mooney," Sirius said, quiet now.
"And Kate?" Remus asked, dreading the answer. "You've both come so far in reestablishing your relationship. You've been so much happier these last weeks. It would be a shame to throw that away without trying to put it right."
Sirius looked up at him. "I trusted her. She broke her word to me, Mooney. That's going to take some time," he said, his voice cold.
Remus sighed then rose from his chair and started to walk toward the door. Sirius came around the table and caught the werewolf's arm as he passed. "I'm sorry I was such a bloody wanker to you, Mooney," he said softly. "You're my best friend and I know you just want everything to be ok." He paused. "Are we ok?"
Remus drew the smaller man into what he intended to be a brief hug, but one that Sirius prolonged for a few moments. "Padfoot, you're my brother – more than any blood relative could be. That's why I got so angry with you. I only want you to heal and find some happiness for yourself. But I could never not be "ok" with you," he said, standing back from Sirius, but holding his gaze.
Sirius nodded. "Thank you, Mooney. You know I feel the same."
Remus smiled. "I'm going upstairs to work on a report for Albus," he said. "I'll be in the library if you need me."
Sirius nodded again and watched him leave. As difficult as their confrontation had been, he found himself feeling less explosive, less out of control than before. While he still couldn't shake his anger at Kate, he felt more ready to face his conversation with Harry – whenever it came.