Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: None for this chapter.

Chapter 21 – Sad Realizations & Painful Decisions

Kate made it back to her room without seeing anyone, for which she was grateful. Had she seen Sirius in the hallway, she was uncertain what she might have said or done after last night. She selected clothing for the day and went into the bathroom to shower. Ten minutes later, Kate was standing in front of the mirror in her room, applying makeup. Her thoughts turned to the night before and the decision she made in the hallway outside the library that had led to Harry's discovery of who she was to him. Kate sighed. Their relationship was in yet another downward spin. More than that, actually, if he had reached the point where he would burn his Christmas gift. But that was certainly only a "heat of the moment" action, she reasoned with herself. He was angry with her because she had revealed herself to Harry without prior discussion. He was also furious that she had eavesdropped at the door and to that Kate had no defense and she knew it. But over the years, they had had arguments when one or both of them had reached the end of their respective ropes and, after time to cool off, they had been able to reason with each other and work through the conflict. Most often, they had come out stronger than before. Although there was a niggling sense of doubt in the back of her mind, Kate resolutely pushed it back, preferring the believe that if she could sit down with Sirius and rationally discuss why she had told Harry who she was, things would go back to the way they'd been over the past few weeks. With that in mind, Kate went back down to the library to meet with Remus.

The werewolf was waiting for her when Kate arrived and the smell of coffee floated across the room to her. She sat down across from him and gratefully accepted a steaming mug. They ate the toast and fruit that Remus had brought with him and had just poured a second cup of coffee when he spoke.

"Ready to talk?" he asked, settling back into the deep cushions of the sofa.

Kate nodded and took a deep breath. "Remus, last night, we went upstairs not long after the party ended and a short while later, I woke up alone. I knew something must have happened and I decided to see if I could find Sirius. I started with the library because I thought perhaps the watch had awakened memories of James and he would return there to think. I was right. What I hadn't counted on, however, was Harry being with him. Harry had just noticed the photo album and I heard him ask Sirius about it. He began to look at the pictures and I heard Harry say my name. I know that it was wrong, but Remus, I couldn't make myself leave. I heard Harry ask Sirius about our relationship in school and afterward and it seemed to touch something off in him. Sirius began to speak of things that happened so long ago. He was remembering the first War, the suspicion and the fact that there was a spy in our ranks. It didn't take long for Sirius to begin to spiral. Harry's questions about me became more specific and I knew he was starting to put it all together. I was afraid he was just going to blurt it out and Sirius was in no frame of mind to deal with it."

"But, Kate, didn't you do the same thing?" Remus asked her. "Didn't you blurt it out to Harry?"

Kate looked at Remus, her eyes wide. "No, Remus. I couldn't be certain that Harry would pursue the question with me." Kate paused then continued, her voice more than a little bitter. "After all, we barely know each other. It seemed much more likely that he would continue to pursue the matter with Sirius." She looked up at Remus and shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry. Sometimes, it just…never mind." Kate gave the werewolf a rueful look then went on, "As much as I wanted him to know, I also wanted to honor the agreement I'd made with Sirius. Whatever he may think; whatever he may have told you – I do not break promises lightly. That said, as I told you – Harry was starting to put it together. He told me that he knew there was something going on that he wasn't being told and asked me to tell him what was being withheld. I looked to Sirius for direction, but he didn't answer Harry; he just turned away and sat in front of the fire. I confirmed everything Sirius had told him – how no one had intentionally withheld information from him or deceived him. He asked me why I hadn't told him I was his Godmother and I repeated what Sirius had said before – that Harry had been through enough and no one wanted to add any more stress to his life right now. Before I said anything, I looked to Sirius, but he never moved, never said a word – to Harry or to me. Remus, you have to believe that I didn't do anything deliberately deceitful."

Remus looked at Kate for some time, then said, "Except listen at the door instead of revealing yourself to them."

Kate stood and walked over to the window. "Yes, you've made that point and I've acknowledged that it was a lousy thing to do. I can apologize for it but I can't undo it. It's certainly not the worst thing I did last night," she finished turning back to him.

"What was?" he asked, curiously.

"I wasn't completely honest with Harry, but I couldn't have been without hurting Sirius. All of the reasons I gave Harry for keeping quiet were certainly true. Sirius and I discussed things and, although you know I didn't agree with him, he felt that Harry had gone through more than enough disruption and stress so far this year without adding more to it. He also was very much afraid that Harry would resent him for keeping the information to himself. That he would see it as Sirius betraying him just as he betrayed and let down James and Lily," Kate said. "Remus, I didn't tell Harry the true reason that Sirius didn't want him to know; I didn't tell him the truth because Sirius didn't want him to know. And in so doing, I tagged myself with the same sin Sirius was afraid Harry would accuse him of committing – withholding information."

Remus sighed. "I'm not sure that Sirius would agree with you that there was a bigger sin than telling Harry who you are. He's furious, Kate. Beyond any fury I've seen him direct toward anything other than Pettigrew."

Kate returned to her seat. "Remus, I only answered Harry's question. I didn't show him the photo album. I didn't talk about our times in school and how he and I were together back then – and afterward. I didn't lead him down a road that would prompt the question. Harry asked and I answered. There was no time for me to get Sirius' approval with Harry sitting right there. Surely, if I can explain this to Sirius, he will understand."

Remus shook his head sadly. "I don't think so Kate. He's gotten it into his head that you purposefully listened outside that door for an opportunity to disclose your identity to Harry. He feels that you betrayed his trust as you and he had agreed to tell Harry together before he left to go back to Hogwarts. He sees it very differently than you and I do."

Kate felt herself begin to shake. She remembered her earlier thoughts when she was alone in her room. How foolish and shortsighted she was to think that just because they had reestablished physical intimacy and had begun to forge a new relationship that Sirius would trust her enough to know she wouldn't intentionally go against his wishes just for the sake of achieving what she wanted with Harry. "He won't believe anything I tell him, will he?" she whispered, turning horrified eyes to Remus. "I was so sure that I'd just have to explain everything to him and while he might need some time to get over it, in the end he'd be fine. We'd be fine. Burning that album wasn't just a momentary act of rage."

"Kate, there are so many pieces to this thing and so many emotions that I think Sirius is overwhelmed. Without this latest situation, he needed to come to terms with the loss of so many memories and the process and time it would take to get them back – if he even could. Now, he has this to deal with. I think he needs time." Remus leaned across the table and took her hands. "You know that Sirius was never the most completely emotionally stable of individuals – even in school. He flew off the handle easily and fiercely. He was quick to anger, particularly if someone he loved had been hurt or treated unfairly, in his opinion. Sirius' anger is his first defense against being hurt; his first reaction to being hurt. I don't know how long he'll need to come to terms with and accept what's happened." Remus reached up and cupped Kate's chin, bringing her gaze up to meet his own. "In addition to what's happened between the two of you, there are issues – long unresolved issues – that Sirius needs to work out with Harry. Both of them realize this." At Kate's nod, Remus sat back and continued. "Although, I will tell you that I think the two of them may have already begun their discussions. As I was leaving the kitchen, Sirius and Harry came in and they both looked like they'd had a fairly emotional time of it. I hadn't expected them to talk so quickly, but perhaps the time just presented itself." Remus mused.

"Did they look ok with one another? Did it appear that they'd resolved whatever they had between them?" Kate asked, concerned that emotions could again escalate out of control for them both.

Remus smiled softly at his friend. "I thought so. When I left, Sirius was letting Molly make them both a bit of breakfast and he and Harry were sitting together at the table."

Kate nodded. "Good. At least some of the conflict is out of the way." She looked over at Remus. "I'm not sure what to do next," she confessed. "It seems that Sirius and I are constantly swinging from the highest of highs to the lowest of depths; we have absolutely no balance at all."

"I think that must be what Sirius' emotions are like most of the time," Remus offered. "If his reality was always a bit off kilter in school, imagine what 12 years in Azkaban have done. I'm not making excuses for him – far from it, but I think the effects of that time have infiltrated his person and cause him to see things from the worst possible perspective. I think balance is fairly elusive for him – at least right now. Perhaps it will change. In time."

Kate nodded and reached for her coffee, which Remus kindly warmed again with a wave of his hand. As she grasped the handle of the mug, the light caught the promise ring on her finger and her heart constricted in her chest. Replacing the mug on the table, Kate looked up at Remus and then down at her hand again; he followed her gaze.

"I wonder if he'll regret this now," she said softly, her voice breaking slightly.

Remus covered her hand with his. "I don't think it will do either of you any good to think like that," he said gently. "You don't know what the long range repercussions of last night will be and I'll wager that Sirius doesn't, either. Besides, you need to remember that Harry's going to be here only for a short time before he heads back to Hogwarts. You'll have some time to really get to know him; perhaps that should be the focus for you right now."

Kate nodded and accepted his handkerchief gratefully. After she'd dried her eyes, she sat quietly for a few moments then spoke again. "I feel as if we're at a crossroads, Sirius and I," she smiled sadly. "I know it sounds clichéd, but it feels as if we are going in totally opposite directions down two horribly damaged roads. I can't help but think that perhaps we were perfect for each other long ago when we were both different people. Now, we're both so changed and perhaps the people we've become don't belong together at all. And I don't have any idea about what to do or what to say that won't make the situation worse."

"He loves you, Kate," Remus replied.

Kate shook her head. "He burned my pictures, Remus. He walked out on me last night with more cold anger in his eyes than I've seen there in a long time. Based on what you've told me, that anger – fury – is still very much present. I don't think either of us can honestly or realistically say that Sirius feels any love for me right now."

Remus drew a deep breath. "What are you going to do?"

Kate shrugged. "For now? Give him as wide a berth as I can. Let him come to me, if he does. 'Stay the course', as they say – until I can't stand it anymore. Then, I'll figure out a new plan. I think you're right, though. If Sirius will let me, I'd like to spend some time with Harry over the next week or so and not let all of this spoil what's left of his holiday. When he returns to school, we'll see what happens. I may very easily discover that without intending to do so, I have gained my Godson at the cost of my relationship with Sirius."

As Remus picked up their breakfast tray and prepared to bring it back to the kitchen, Kate stopped him. "I have to ask. You do believe that I didn't set up the whole thing last night so I could finally tell Harry that I'm his Godmother, don't you?"

Remus smiled. "Yes, I believe you. I think that eavesdropping on them was exceedingly bad judgment, but I don't think you intended things to play out as they did."

"Well," Kate said, opening the door for him. "at least I have that."