Thursday, October 16

I live for myself. So why should I use my life trying to please everybody else? I'm me and I really don't care what people think about me as long as they respect me.

No. I do care of what some people think of me. Today I acted against my nature because otherwise I would have looked puny in some people's eyes. If I had silently stood next to the scene doing nothing, Reiner and Bertolt would have started bitching around again. As if I wanted it.

So. What happened today? I agreed to go and "teach Armin a lesson". I really didn't find it necessary, but Reiner and Bertolt started the bitching so I had no other chance but to say yes. We assaulted him after the last lesson.

When Reiner was offending Armin, I was trying to think of a way of doing something nasty to live up to my "friends'" expectations. But it felt too unnatural because I really didn't feel like it...

I think I was feeling relatively alright until that brat appeared. For some reason, seeing Eren increased my irritation level to the maximum. I don't want to admit it to myself but I actually find this guy interesting. He is strong and brave, and I like it. Being seen by him while offending his best friend wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted to escape the whole situation. But I couldn't just walk away, could I?

I had to do something and quick. And that's why I suddenly hit Eren without a warning. I knew that a little beating would look neat before escaping the scene. But hitting Armin would have been too much because I don't want to disappoint Eren. (WHY?)

Seeing Eren's bleeding face for the last time really struck me. It was far from what I wanted.

I want to fit in my group. I'd love to say that these are the only people whose thoughts concern me. But what's up with Eren? Why do I care about him? Why don't I want him to hate me? I hate him though. He has no right to mess up with my mind like this.

This guy. I want to punch and please him at the same time. (That sounded really wrong...) What am I even saying..? Aurgh. Troublesome people like him should just cease from existence.

Levi woke up in a dim room lit by some flickering lights from the TV screen. It was late night and he was lying on his stomach on the sofa. He had no idea how he had got there, until he noticed his black, leather-bound journal just a few inches away from his head that was still pressed against the sofa. He had fallen asleep while trying to understand his feelings that made so little sense.

Some shitty soap opera was going there on the TV and Levi searched for the remote to turn that crap off. His head was still hurting from all the confusing thoughts scattered around his mind and he decided to do something to draw them away. He got off the sofa, placed his journal and the writing tools neatly on a small coffee table, and walked to his bedroom. He grabbed his bass from it's stand by the wall, sat on the edge of his bed, and gently started strumming the chords.

The low, silent notes, and the sound of Levi's slender fingers picking the strings filled the room and he felt secure. Dwelling in his music, he looked through the window. The almost-full moon was up with some drowsy looking clouds around it. Gloomy yet beautiful. Lonely. Observing the city below.

The same moon was watching everyone, he thought. Everyone, he repeated in his head over and over, and then, the image of Eren popped up in his mind. Not him again. Levi got frustrated and that's when he groaned and created the ugliest discord ever with his bass.

It was rare for Levi to be angry at himself. But this time he couldn't help it. He was really disappointed because he couldn't understand his own feelings. Why on earth did he care about a foolish brat? He didn't even know Eren that well. They had never had a real conversation because Levi had always tried to ignore him as much as he could. That was until Eren bumped into him in the history class the other day.

First the kid was scared of Levi, and Levi really did look down to him. Such a stupid coward. But really quickly, the things changed. In the PE lesson next day Eren was actually calling Levi and Reiner lunatics in front of the whole class. That's when Levi became curious. He saw something special in Eren and that's the reason why he didn't let Reiner beat him. The look in Eren's eyes after Reiner had left the changing room was intense but charming and adorable. It was a beautiful sight, Levi had thought, and something really moved inside of him.

Eren made Levi feel flammable. Fragile. Vulnerable. It was like a game of cat and mouse but he had no idea which role was his. He wanted to deny it so hard but in the end, it just couldn't be helped.

Levi suddenly froze and stopped strumming his instrument. He stared at his feet while placing his bass on his bed. He stood up, strolled back to the dark living room, and turned the lights on. He went back to his journal and wrote one more sentence on it.

Dear diary. Please tell me that I am NOT falling for this stupid brat.