Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter – other than its length. I couldn't find a way to end it sooner!
Chapter 41 – Condition Confirmed & Loyalties Questioned
Dinner was a fairly riotous affair, with Remus sharing stories of the Marauders' days at Hogwarts, tales that were soaked up as quickly by Sirius as by his younger cousin. Well aware that Sirius' happy memories were significantly incomplete, Remus and Kate both chose to share stories that would give some of them back to him. By the time dinner was over, everyone was wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.
Sirius suggested that they have pie and coffee in the library and everyone agreed after both Remus and Sirius declined the witches' offer of assistance in cleaning up the kitchen. "We'll take care of it later," Remus assured them, gesturing to Sirius behind the latter's back. Tonks giggled, assuming an expression of pure innocence when her cousin whirled around and asked about the cause of her amusement. Sirius' gaze shifted from Tonks to Remus and he rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, placing his hand on the small of Kate's back and muttering something about "ungrateful furry friends" as they climbed the stairs.
Kate settled in one of the wingback chairs in front of the fire while Sirius took the other. Remus and Tonks were left to share the couch, which Sirius had surreptitiously shortened before the werewolf and his companion had made it into the room. Kate shook her head at his devious behavior, but was secretly tickled that he'd stepped in and "helped" his old friend, even if said friend had no idea he'd done it.
After Remus and Tonks were settled, Sirius rose and served healthy portions of pie to his guests, although when he reached Kate, she declined. "Ate way too much dinner," she told him and Sirius reluctantly took her plate for himself. Instead of returning to his chair, Sirius chose to sit on the floor at Kate's feet, leaning slightly against her legs to keep contact. Kate ruffled his hair, inwardly smiling at his strategic seating arrangements.
As realization dawned on him, Remus gave Sirius a mild glare; Sirius waggled his eyebrows and chuckled under his breath. For her part, Tonks was busy devouring the pastry and missed the whole thing.
"Mmm," Tonks murmured appreciatively, licking the back of her fork. "This is fantastic! Sirius, you really can't expect me to believe you made this yourself, can you?"
Before Sirius could answer, Remus cut in. "Tonks, did Padfoot tell you he made the pie?"
Tonks nodded, her pink hair bobbing to and fro with the motion. "When I first arrived."
Remus looked at his best friend, who was doing his best not to meet his eyes, looking everywhere but at the werewolf. "Tonks," Remus said. "You do realize that Sirius is delusional, don't you?"
Tonks nodded cheerfully. "Abso-bloody-lutely," she responded. "It's part of the gene pool, I suspect. But I've learned that it's best to just play along with him."
Remus laughed aloud. "Bravo, Tonks!"
Sirius feigned disgust and turned to beg assistance from Kate. When he saw her, however, he fell silent. Kate was curled up in the wingback chair, feet tucked underneath her and her cheek resting against her fist. She was sound asleep. Sirius placed his empty plate on the floor next to him and rose quietly, leaning over Kate and softly calling her name.
Kate's eyes opened and she jumped a bit when she saw Sirius' face so close to hers.
"Shh," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to startle you. Come. I'll walk you upstairs so you can get some proper rest."
Kate looked over at Remus and Tonks and smiled apologetically. "It's been really hectic since the escape," she said, not quite meeting Remus' eyes. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought."
Tonks nodded. "I know just what you mean, Kate! I was sitting at my desk last night, catching up on some paperwork and the next thing I knew, I woke up with a bunch of paperclips stuck to my cheek and drool on my blotter. Conked right out." She shook her head, smiling brightly.
"Too much detail, Tonksie," Sirius said to her, returning her smile as he helped Kate to her feet.
Kate gracefully stepped away from him; some part of her annoyed at his hovering, and made her way to the doorway, calling her goodnights to her friends. When they reached the hallway, Kate turned to Sirius. "I'm fine. I can make it upstairs on my own. Please go back in and visit with Remus and Tonks."
Sirius shook his head and reached for her hand. "They'll be here when I come back. I'll just see that you're properly tucked in and then I'll head straight for the library. Come on," he gave her hand a gentle tug. "Katie?" he called to her when she didn't move.
Kate gently disentangled her fingers from his. "Listen, Sirius, I don't need a nursemaid. You know how early I was up and out of here this morning and things never let up for a moment all day long. I'm tired. That's all there is to it. And you insisting on taking me on upstairs just makes me feel like a recalcitrant child and makes me look that way in front of our friends. Please, just stop it and go back inside. I'll see you upstairs later on. And, Sirius, I do mean 'later on'!" Kate finished, her voice firm.
Sirius nodded, his face looking somewhat abashed and stepped closer to her. "I just wanted to make sure you were settled and that you were alright." He leaned over and kissed her cheek gently. "I'll be up later, then. Good night."
As Kate watched him enter the library she suddenly regretted being so contrary. His hovering really was annoying, but his heart was in the right place. She took a step toward the library, but realized that there was no way she could gracefully have this conversation with Sirius now. The hard thing was that she knew she'd never be awake when Sirius finally came upstairs. Kate sighed, reversing her steps and heading back for the staircase. She'd have to wait until morning to set things right.
Kate washed her face and cleaned her teeth, then changed into a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt for bed. Before slipping between the sheets, Kate took a package of digestive biscuits from her purse and placed them on the stand next to her side of the bed. Perhaps she could stave off a repeat performance of this morning's nausea if she had them handy when she awoke. She couldn't pass what she now knew as morning sickness off as a simple stomach ailment once Sirius became aware of the new morning ritual; that she knew.
Kate lit the candle next to Sirius' side of the bed and settled herself beneath the warm covers. As she waited for sleep to claim her, Kate ran her hand down to rest on her still-flat abdomen. There, in the silent, dimly lit room, Kate allowed herself to give in to the sense of wonder that had been running under the surface of her emotions since speaking with Remus earlier in the evening. Despite the incredibly inconvenient timing, the ghastly morning sickness and the total uncertainty of their world at the moment, Kate was incredibly aware of the presence of this tiny life within her. She couldn't physically feel it, nor was its presence obvious to anyone around her, but in that moment, Kate's emotional connection with her child – their child was forged. Kate spread her fingers over the taut, smooth skin, trying to imagine what this child would be like. Of course, at the moment, it probably was no bigger than a pea. Given the amount of disruption it was responsible for, even at this early stage, led Kate's thoughts to Sirius and she smiled, sadly. As much as she longed to tell him, Kate believed with all her heart that her decision not to do so was the right one for the moment. If she knew nothing else, Kate knew Sirius and believed that the news would send him into a tailspin. He was, clearly, the most wanted wizard in their world, believed to be in league with Voldemort and responsible for the deaths of two of his dearest friends and 13 Muggles besides. Sirius was on the run, in hiding from both Wizard and Muggle law enforcement, living in the house that haunted his childhood memories. Kate could not believe that he would accept the thought of bringing a child of his own into this place. As a minor point, but one that she also considered: while Sirius had a fortune in gold in his vault at Gringott's, he could not access it and, therefore, would undoubtedly feel that he could not adequately support a child. Kate sighed. In addition to all of these issues, and perhaps the very core of her decision was Sirius' overall emotional health and self-image. While he had improved dramatically, Kate knew that every fractured memory that popped into his head, every nightmare he endured, every uncontrollable fear that gripped his heart and dictated his actions reinforced to Sirius that he was far from whole. With the dysfunction he endured with his own family, Kate knew that although Sirius longed for a child, for a family, it was a far-off dream, one he imagined takin place in a world very different than it was today. Kate felt the hot trail of tears slide over her temples and into her hair. Why was nothing easy for him – for them? She allowed herself the luxury of her emotions for awhile longer, then sat up, reaching for the tissues next to her bed and using them to clear the moisture from her face. Shifting until she was on Sirius' side of the bed, Kate settled back down under the covers and turned her face into his pillow, inhaling his scent. Warmth and security settled over her in a huge wave and she began to feel drowsy again. Burrowing further down into the covers, Kate closed her eyes and fell asleep.
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After walking Tonks to the Apparition point outside Grimmauld, Remus returned to the kitchen to find Sirius directing the dishes from table to sink and setting them to wash. Smiling, Remus joined him and soon, the kitchen was almost – if not completely – in the same condition it enjoyed when Molly cleaned up for the night.
"Cup of tea, Padfoot?" Remus invited, setting the kettle to boil with a tap from his wand and pausing as he reached for mugs from inside the cabinet.
"Love one, Mooney," Sirius replied, pulling out sugar and milk and sitting at the table while Mooney steeped the tea.
The two friends sat quietly at the table, sipping the hot brew. It wasn't long before Sirius broke the silence.
"Mooney, do you think Kate's alright?" he asked, concern obvious in both expression and voice.
Merlin. Remus blew the steam away from his mug and took in a mouthful of tea before answering. "I think she's tired, as she said," he replied. "The MLE is working 'round the clock to locate the escaped Death Eaters, you know that. She and Kingsley are probably trying to do as much as they can on that front while preparing for the surveillance mission they'll undertake with the Order."
Sirius nodded, looking up at his friend. "I worry about her, Remus. I love her so much and we've had a rather rough go of it since she came back; most of it my fault, I know. It's just that we've gotten through so much and we're doing better now. I just don't want anything to happen to her. I don't want anything to take her away."
Remus' heart clenched at the vulnerability he saw in the wizard before him. "Vulnerable", on Sirius, was something that was still new – and it took Remus some time to adjust to it.
"Padfoot, it's normal to worry about those we love. I worried every day after you and Buckbeak left Hogwarts and were on the run for so long. You worry about Harry, as do I and as does Kate." Remus paused. "Although we drive each other to distraction with it, 'worry' and 'love' seem to go hand in hand for us all these days." There. Hopefully, that was sufficiently reassuring while appropriately vague.
Sirius drank his tea in silence for awhile, considering what his friend had said. "I do make that woman crazy sometimes," he admitted, smiling wryly. "So far, she appears to be putting up with it with minimal fuss. I suspect that will not continue very long."
Remus smiled. "It's only just gone half nine," he said, looking at his watch. "Why don't you take the edge of your nerves? Go check on Kate, then come back and I'll demolish you in a game of Wizard's Chess, yes?"
"'Demolish' seems extreme, Mooney, even for you," came the response as Sirius had already reached the doorway to the stairs. He turned. "However, just to prove that you can be wrong now and again, I'll humor you. Bring the teapot up with you and, perhaps, that box of tissues. You'll need a few when I'm finished with you."
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Sirius let himself silently into Kate's room. He smiled once again at the lit candle, a smile that broadened when he saw Kate's form burrowed into what had evolved into his side of her bed. Quietly, he walked over to the large bed to have a closer look.
His eyes were tender as he saw her face resting against the white linen of his pillowslip. Sirius reached down and brushed a stray auburn curl from her cheek, sweeping it gently back over her ear. She shifted slightly, but slept on. Sirius leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her temple, then straightened. To his dismay, Kate's eyes fluttered open and blinked several times as she struggled to awaken.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I only wanted to look in on you, not wake you. Go back to sleep, love."
Kate reached one hand from beneath the covers and touched his arm. "Come down here for a minute, will you?" she asked, her voice sleepy.
Sirius complied, kneeling next to the bed, his face close to hers. "What is it?"
Kate shrugged. Truly, she didn't know what she wanted, just that she didn't want him to leave right away and so she simply told him that. Sirius smiled and leaned even closer. "Would you like me to stay here until you fall back to sleep?" he offered, kissing her lips gently.
Kate shook her head sadly. "I can't ask you to do that," she said.
Sirius looked at her intently. "Why ever not, love?"
Kate took a deep breath. "I can't yell at you for hovering over me in one breath, then ask you to do it with the next." She gave him a small, sleepy smile. "Wouldn't be very fair, would it?"
Sirius brought his hand up and smoothed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. "Oh, I don't think it would be terribly unfair." He leaned in and kissed her lips gently. "I love you, you know."
Kate felt her eyes fill. "Oh, Sirius, I love you, too. I love you so much and I'm really sorry that I was so miserable to you before."
Sirius' brow furrowed as he looked at her. "What's this all about, then? It's nothing to get all that upset over. We've certainly had more heated exchanges than that, haven't we? Really, sweetheart, it's ok. I hate to see you upset."
Kate drew her hand beneath her nose and nodded. Sirius pulled a face and pulled a tissue from the box on the table, saying "Well, that was certainly disgusting!" He positioned the tissue over her nose then said, "Blow," with a smile on his face. Kate obliged, crossing her eyes at him when she'd finished and he'd daubed around her nose. "Now, I'm going to leave these within easy reach. Given that you are occupying my side of the bed – my pillow included – I would ask that you remember their location should you have need of mopping up your nose in the future, agreed?"
Kate nodded, rolling her eyes at him.
"Say, why are you on my side of the bed?" Sirius asked suddenly.
Kate shrugged again. "I felt closer to you over here. Your pillow smells like you."
"Not anymore it doesn't," Sirius chuckled. "But somehow I don't mind very much. Can you sleep now?"
Kate nodded. "I love you, Sirius."
Sirius leaned over and placed a lingering, tender kiss on her lips. "And I love you, my darling. Sleep now. I'll come back in awhile and snuggle in with you, alright? Kate?"
But she was already asleep. Sirius adjusted the covers over her shoulders, rose from the floor and left the room, as silently as he had entered it.
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Remus looked up as Sirius came back into the library. "Is Kate alright?" he asked. "You've been gone quite awhile."
Sirius sat opposite Remus at the chess table. "She woke up – sort of," he smiled. "I don't know, Mooney, maybe you're right. Maybe she is just tired. I know I'm not doing either of us any good by continually checking in with her, though. I guess I've just got to trust her on this one."
Remus barely suppressed a grimace at Sirius' last comment and chose, instead, to sidestep the topic. "Shall we begin?" he asked, gesturing to the chessboard.
Sirius grinned wickedly. "By all means, Mooney. Let the slaughter begin!"
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Kate awakened later than usual the following morning, feeling the now familiar pressure in her stomach. She ate one of the digestive biscuits from the packet next to her bed and, when that seemed to settle things a bit, she downed two more. Lying in bed for another five minutes – just in case – Kate was relieved to discover that her stomach did, indeed, feel better. She rose and made her way to the bathroom just as the bedroom door opened and Sirius walked in.
She smiled at him. "Aren't you a bit too old to be pulling all-nighters with your school friends?" she asked him.
He put out his tongue at her. "Shut it, you. If you're not nice to me I won't share my lovely breakfast with you."
Kate's stomach gave a delicate lurch that let her know it wasn't quite ready to consume anything more substantial than those three biscuits. Casting about for a reasonable excuse, she thought for a moment then replied, "Oh, darling, I'd love to, but I can't. We have a breakfast meeting this morning. Kingsley's wife is making that gorgeous coffee cake of hers and I can't pass that up, can I? Can't do both. Have to watch my figure, you know." Merlin, why on earth did I have to say that?!
Sirius leaned back on the pillows and leered at her. "I think you should stop worrying and let me watch that gorgeous figure of yours," he said.
Kate groaned inwardly and thought, How about you don't? She managed to pull off a scandalized look and headed into the bathroom to shower. "I've got to get ready or I'll be late," she called over her shoulder. As she stepped under the spray, Kate thought that they'd better get this mission over with soon or the pressure to keep her pregnancy from Sirius would probably be the death of her.
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Kate walked into Kingsley's office a couple of hours later, with the pureblood genealogy book from the Black library in one hand and a packet of crackers in the other. She dropped the book on his desk with a loud 'clunk' then deposited herself into a spare chair.
Kingsley looked down at the book then back at Kate, gesturing to the crackers. "You still feeling under the weather?" he asked, looking back at the heavy book in front of him with a suspicious expression.
Kate nodded. "A bit. I thought I might nip over to see a healer later on today – just to see if there's something else I can take to feel better."
Kingsley smiled in relief. "Good. I was afraid I'd have to order you to do that and I figured we'd have quite the row over it. Now – tell me about this book. Does Black know you stole it?"
"I didn't steal it, you git, I asked him if I could borrow it and he agreed. He even checked it for spells and it's clean. You can stop looking like a terrified first year now," Kate teased.
Kingsley glared at her. "Very funny. Now, tell me why I'm looking at this book at all!"
"I thought it might be helpful to check into our Mr. Spear's family background. That's one of the Black family's 'special' genealogies. It's been spelled to automatically update as families lose and gain members through marriages, births, deaths, etc. What's really interesting, though, is that it updates individual's current locations, their achievements, rumors, gossip…are you following me here?" Kate asked, her voice low.
Kingsley's eyes widened. "Political affiliations, too?"
Kate smiled and nodded.
"And Black let you take this out of the house?"
"Are you kidding? When I left him, he was positively gleeful to think that one of his mother's prized possessions might possibly be used to expose Dark Wizards and recapture Death Eaters. He laughed so hard I was afraid he'd crack a rib!" Kate chuckled at the memory.
Kingsley waved his wand and the cubicle entryway closed; another wave and a strong silencing spell surrounded the area. "Let's have a look, shall we?"
Kate stood over Kingsley's shoulder as he thumbed to the "S" section of the reference book. The Spear family segment encompassed a dozen pages and reflected the usual pureblood lineage, with notable accomplishments for each member. Malodros' image peered out at them, his expression haughty. His House affiliation was listed only as "Error. Under research." His current "occupation" was noted as "Confidential".
"Cryptic," Kate observed as she looked over the young Auror's entry. "'Confidential' to whom?"
Kingsley shook his head. "Could mean anything, really. The book could be spelled to disguise anything not relative to the Dark Arts. He hasn't severed ties with his family, don't forget. He's either still in their good graces or is playing both sides against the middle, ultimately choosing his alliance based on which can do him the most good."
"Kingsley, go back a page," Kate said suddenly. As Kingsley flipped back to the prior page, Kate pointed at a rather burley, middle-aged man wearing gray robes and a sinister expression. The name beneath his photo was listed as, "Nathaniel B. Spear". Expectedly, he had attended Hogwarts and was sorted into Slytherin. He had graduated during Kate and the Marauder's 4th year, although his photo prompted no memory for her. Kingsley and Kate continued to read through the brief history and both inhaled sharply when they arrived at the final entry, dated one month ago. It read:
Current Employment: Guard, Azkaban Prison
Kate and Kingsley looked at each other, their faces registering their mutual surprise and concern.
"Where is he?" Kate asked.
"Morning off," Kingsley replied. "I'll speak with him this afternoon when he comes in."
Kate drew breath to speak but she never got the chance. "No," Kingsley said, firmly.
Kate raised her eyebrows, thinking back to a similar conversation she'd had with Sirius a couple of days earlier. "How do you know what I was going to say?" she asked.
Kingsley didn't even look up at her. "You were going to tell me you wanted to be there when I questioned him. The answer is no. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be there. He already has a chip on his shoulder where you're concerned. Let's not give him any reason to enlarge it to a boulder." He looked up at her. "That's my final word, Kate."
Kate felt herself stiffen in anger. Well, at least I have all new understanding of what Sirius feels like when someone tells him 'no'. "Will you at least tell me how it goes?"
Kingsley smiled. "Sure. Let's get together at the end of the day. You can pump me for all the information you want!"
"Git", and with that, Kate waved her wand, muttering, "Finite" and heading over to her own cubicle to retrieve her bag and head over to St Mungo's for her appointment.
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Sitting on the table in the small examination room, Kate hugged the thin hospital-issued gown more tightly around her and waited for the Healer to arrive. Fortunately, she did not have to wait long. After a few moments, a short, round witch with curly white hair and bright green eyes bustled into the room and greeted Kate with a warm smile. She picked up the parchment on the side counter and reviewed it for a few moments before coming over to Kate and introducing herself.
"Hello, my dear. I'm Healer Selkirk," she shook Kate's hand. "The initial examination by my assistant shows you to be in excellent health, Ms. Morgan. I understand that you were reluctant to share any further detail with him, however. Will you speak with me, then?"
Kate nodded, liking the woman for her direct, yet warm approach. "I will. It's important that you understand something first, however. There are certain circumstances in my life that require absolute confidentiality about the reason that I'm here. If the information was to somehow become known, things could become … well, complicated, I suppose, but that's really not a strong enough word for it."
Healer Selkirk squeezed Kate's hand for a moment. "How far along do you believe you are, dear?"
Kate exhaled loudly and smiled. "No more than a month, I think. Can you even confirm a pregnancy that early?"
"Oh, my yes. Magical healing is quite far advanced, you know. Not like Muggles, poor things." She dropped her voice to a whisper, "Did you know that they sometimes test for pregnancy by having women …well, urinate on little pieces of paper?" Kate tried to stifle a laugh at the oversimplification of Muggle pregnancy tests. "Positively scandalous!" the Healer continued. "Why don't you lie down, dear and we'll run some of our own tests."
Kate complied and soon, Healer Selkirk was muttering away while waving her wand in intricate, graceful movements over Kate's stomach. She gave up watching after a few moments as the motion and color were combining to make her feel slightly woozy.
"Well, my dear, you are definitely pregnant," the Healer's kind voice confirmed what Remus had told her. She opened her eyes and looked at the other woman. "You're certain," she whispered.
Healer Selkirk took Kate's hand in hers again. "Yes, my dear. And you were right – you are exactly one month along. Would you like to know what you're having?"
Kate shook her head. "Not now. Later, perhaps. May I come back with my…with the father in a few months and find out then?"
The healer nodded, smiling. "Of course, dear. Would you like to see me from now on?"
Kate smiled. "Oh, yes, please. Can we arrange that?"
Healer Selkirk nodded again. "Yes. Now, let's see what I can do to help you with that nausea and, of course, you'll need a vitamin potion. You're young, you're healthy, so I don't see why this pregnancy shouldn't proceed exactly as it should. Congratulations, my dear. And you have nothing to worry about as far as keeping your condition private; Healers are sworn to confidentiality, much like Muggle doctors. We can reveal nothing."
Kate smiled in relief. "Thank you, Healer Selkirk."
"Oh, dear, let's not be so formal. We're going to see quite a bit of each other over the next several months. Please, call me Molly." And the little Healer hurried out of the room, telling Kate to come to her office once she was dressed.
As the door closed, Kate couldn't hold back a chuckle. "Molly," she said aloud. "Perfect!"