Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: None for this chapter

Chapter 48 – How Can There Be Healing?

After meeting with the Healer, Sirius felt better only in that his instincts about the woman were proven true. She cared deeply for Kate and wanted very much for her to recover from her injuries. When Sirius questioned how she had come to know Kate, Molly Selkirk crossed her fingers and told him that she had been treating Kate for her nervous stomach and had come to like the younger woman quite a bit. Sirius had smiled at that and said, "I quite understand how that sort of thing can happen."

"May I suggest something?" the Healer asked. At Sirius' nod, she continued, "I'd like you to get some rest tonight; it's already past 3 AM. I'll wake you if there's any change and we can come up with a schedule where we each take a shift after that."

Sirius smiled at her. "Thank you. I appreciate that." He paused for a moment. "Any chance I could talk you into letting me take the first shift?"

Molly shook her head. "None at all, young man."

Sirius nodded. "Didn't think so. You remind me of another Molly I know who's equally firm once she's made up her mind about something. It's easier to take it from you, though; you seem to like me. She's … well, she's not very fond of me at all."

Molly patted his arm. "Do you provoke her?"

Sirius looked at her with wide eyes and took a breath to respond in defense of himself, but her face made him reconsider. Exhaling loudly, he smiled guiltily. "Perhaps I do … a bit," he amended.

Molly returned his smile. "Off to bed with you, now, Mr. Black. I'll call you if you're needed, but I'll see you for breakfast at 8 – yes?"

Sirius nodded. He rose and turned in the direction of the bedroom he'd selected as his own for however long he remained in the Annex. Pausing, he turned back toward the Healer and cleared his throat softly.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Would you mind very much if I gave you a hug?" Sirius asked her. "It's just that … well, it's been a long time since I've met anyone like you, someone who believes me and treats me like a person. I don't know, that sounds sort of poncey, but …"

Molly stepped forward and embraced the Wizard, rubbing his shoulder as she felt his arms go 'round her waist. "I don't know about "poncey", but it sounds very much like the nicest compliment I've had in awhile. And I don't mind the hug one bit; strikes me that you could use one about now."

Sirius nodded, and then stepped back. "Thank you," he said, his eyes a bit bright. "You're a very nice lady and I'm glad you're here." With that, he turned and went into his room, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Once she was certain Sirius was settled, Molly went back into Kate's room and pulled out the latest diagnostic readings. The replenishment potions were not helping Kate regain strength as they should have been doing by now. The pregnancy was complicating her condition as her body was naturally, trying to send nourishment to the growing life, but there was little to send. That effort was weakening Kate further and doing nothing of any import for the child. She rolled the parchment and sent it to its drawer, then, with a final look at Kate, she picked up her novel and settled in for her shift.

A chapter or two into her book, the Healer sensed a change in the woman before her. Kate seemed to be in discomfort and the tremors were more frequent than they had been when she was first brought into hospital. Molly rose and looked closely at Kate's face. A slight sheen of perspiration was visible on her forehead, but she was still almost cold to the touch. Although her face did not change, Kate made a tiny, mewling sound as if in pain. Molly turned, picked up her wand and cast the diagnostic spell. The colorful arcs flowed from the end of her wand and rose to weave over Kate's body. As before, they circled and arched gracefully, colors changing depending upon the location. As Molly watched their progress and the magical pen recorded the results, the shimmering arcs finally came to a stop. Molly looked at them and felt her heart sink. The arcs over Kate's abdomen were transparent, with not even a hint of color, but the connection leading to and away from that segment of the arc was still intact. Molly knew from experience what was happening and could only watch helplessly as the connection frayed, then broke and those segments shifted upward and reconnected over Kate's chest. Molly sighed, sadly and concluded the diagnostic testing. She performed a thorough physical examination, then cast the necessary cleansing charms and floated more warming blankets down to settle on Kate.

Molly sat back in her chair then Summoned the latest diagnostic parchment from the table. Her eyes blurred over the final entry:

4:57 AM: Female patient Morgan, Katherine - miscarried – first trimester fetus - male.

Molly blew her nose then rolled and sent the parchment to its file drawer with all the others. She rose and made her way to the door of Sirius' room. Pausing outside to listen, she could hear the sound of his steady, even breathing. Raising her wand, she cast a strong silencing charm then walked over to the room Remus occupied and knocked softly. She heard sounds of movement within and a few moments later, Remus opened the door, a look of concern on his face. "What is it?" he queried, glancing toward Sirius' door.

"I've cast a silencing spell," Molly said quietly. "He's asleep. Please, could you come with me?"

Remus nodded his frown deepening as he followed the Healer into Kate's room. Anxious, Remus looked over at Kate and was visibly relieved to see the rise and fall of her chest beneath the warming blanket. Turning his attention back to Molly, he touched her arm. "What is it?" he asked again.

Molly's eyes filled again. "She lost the baby about fifteen minutes ago. The damage from the Cruciatus was too much for her. It drained so much of her strength and energy that she could not sustain sufficient levels to both heal her body and maintain the pregnancy."

Remus closed his eyes and a soft sob escaped his throat. Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry. He opened his eyes and cleared his throat. "How is she?"

"The same, at the moment, although I would expect to see the strengthening potion begin to produce some results over the next 24 hours." Molly paused. "Remus, what are we going to do about Sirius?"

"Merlin," Remus swore softly. "You understand that he doesn't know about the pregnancy, right?"

Molly nodded. "I do. As her healer, I can tell you that she is going to need the support of everyone around her. She cannot and will not heal unless she has it. She will need to grieve this child and, in my experience, the grieving process is healthier and better managed when both parents are together and can share all of the emotions."

Remus listened carefully to the Healer. "Molly, she was so adamant about not telling him until the mission was over."

Molly returned his gaze. "Remus isn't the mission over now?" she asked pointedly.

"This phase of it, anyway," he agreed. "I don't know how I feel breaking her confidence. It seems wrong to take her secret into my own hands and dispose of it on her behalf. It's not my place."

Molly put her hand on his arm. "Remus, I thought it was Kate's welfare we were discussing here, not yours. Is it better to wait until she regains consciousness so she can face telling him herself?"

Remus shook his head. "There is no 'better' in this situation, Molly. If we tell him, he hears second-hand without benefit of their relationship, without benefit of her reasoning. If Kate tells him, he hears it all first hand and she can tell him everything herself."

"Molly, what has happened?" Albus' voice greeted them from the doorway.

Remus heaved a sigh of relief as he watched his former Headmaster walk over to where they were standing. "Kate miscarried a short time ago," Molly whispered.

Albus' expression changed to one of extreme sadness and he turned from them to go to Kate's side. He sat in the chair so recently vacated by the Healer and took Kate's hand in his, squeezing it gently. He stayed there for a few moments, then gently laid her hand back against the blanket and rose. Albus' head was lowered in thought as he approached Remus and Molly. "Remus, have you given any thought to Sirius?"

"We were just discussing the pros and cons of that decision," the werewolf said quietly. "There seem to be valid arguments on both sides of the matter."

Albus shook his head. "There may be multiple arguments, but there is only one possible decision: these two people – these parents – have lost a child. They must grieve together. They will need each other's strength. Sirius must be told. The only question is who should do it."

Although a large part of Remus believed the Headmaster was wrong, he was grateful that Albus had the strength of character to step in and make the decision. Now that it had been made, Remus knew that if Kate couldn't do it herself, there was only one person who could give Sirius the news.

"I'll go and speak with him now," Remus said, quietly.

"Thank you, son," Albus said, squeezing Remus' shoulder as he passed him. "We shall be here if there's anything you need."

Remus crossed the Great Room and soon stood before Sirius' door. He felt the tingle of the Silencing Charm as he crossed the threshold and entered the darkened bedroom. He closed the door behind him and conjured a small blue flame, which he held in his hand to shed some light as he peered around the room. Locating the bed and checking that the set up to the room was similar to that of his own – two chairs located in front of the fireplace, to his relief – he walked slowly toward the bed.

"Sirius," Remus called softly.

Sirius immediately awakened, waving his hand toward the candle on the bedside table to light the wick. "Mooney?" he murmured, pushing himself up into a seated position then rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His vision cleared and he looked at Remus with an air of confusion. Suddenly, however, the fog lifted and he cast aside the bedclothes and began to rise from the bed.

"Steady, Padfoot," Remus said. "I've come to talk with you for a moment."

"Is Kate…?" Sirius stopped, searching Remus' face, his own reflecting his fear that something had happened to her.

"She's resting comfortably," Remus soothed and handed the other man his robe. "Here. Put this on and come sit by the fire with me. I'll conjure some coffee for us."

Sirius took the robe from his friend, but did not take his eyes from his face. "Something's happened, Mooney, I can tell. You never were very good at concealing things from me, you know."

Remus nodded. "I know, Padfoot. Please, just come over here and sit down. I promise I will tell you everything."

Sirius slipped his arms into his bathrobe and shrugged it onto his shoulders. "Just tell me that she's in no danger, Remus, and I will listen to anything you have to say after that."

"She is in no more danger than she was when you went to bed, Padfoot," Remus stated.

Sirius nodded and seated himself in the chair Remus indicated. Remus stoked the fire and conjured a pot of coffee. Sirius twitched impatiently as Remus poured two steaming mugs, placing one on Sirius' side of the table.

"Alright, Remus," Sirius said. "The fire is blazing and we've both got our coffee. Why are you here?"

"Padfoot, please know that I wish you could hear this from Kate, herself rather than from me. As that is not possible, and because she will need you very much when she awakens, I said I would stand in for her," Remus began, watching Sirius' face carefully as he spoke.

"Remus, please," Sirius said, his voice low and trembling.

Remus nodded. "Right after the holidays, Kate began to have stomach problems, as you remember. She felt that it was a recurrence of an old problem she'd had back in school; her mother called it 'sour stomach'." Sirius didn't move a muscle, so Remus continued with the abbreviated explanation he had decided to present. "When it persisted, she went to St Mungo's and saw a Healer – Molly Selkirk, as a matter of fact. Molly confirmed what Kate had begun to suspect. She didn't have a nervous stomach. Sirius, Kate was pregnant."

Sirius' eyebrows rose and the color drained from his face. "When did she find out?"

Remus looked into the fire. This would not be easy. "She saw the Healer the day they fired Spear from the Ministry."

Sirius' eyes widened. "But that was over two months ago. She never said a word to me. Not a word. Remus, I don't understand."

Remus leaned over and put his hand on Sirius' arm. "Padfoot, please. There's more that I need to tell you. I promise that we can talk about any or all of it after I've finished but please, just listen for one moment longer. Yes?"

Sirius nodded. "Go on, Remus."

"Sirius, about half an hour ago, Kate lost the baby. The effects of the Cruciatus Curse were just too much for her body to bear. Her system was trying to heal her and nourish the pregnancy at the same time. It couldn't do both and she miscarried. I'm so, so sorry, Padfoot," Remus finished, his voice cracking.

Sirius was still watching him intently. "Is there anything else?" he asked.

Surprised, Remus shook his head. "No, that's all."

Sirius nodded and took a deep breath. "I don't … she never … why didn't she tell me, Mooney?"

Remus sighed. "She was worried about your reaction. Kate was afraid that you would be beside yourself with the timing. The fact that you weren't free, that you were living in your family's home, that you were still working on your relationship – all of these things factored into her decision. She wanted to wait a bit, Sirius; Kate was always going to tell you."

"When?" Sirius wanted to know.

"I don't know, Padfoot. She wanted to get through the mission because she was already committed to it. She thought that maybe Wormtail might be involved and either show himself or be mentioned. Kate was hoping that perhaps this was the mission that would reveal him and that you would be free," Remus explained.

"But we said that we wouldn't have secrets from each other," Sirius said, his hand fumbling for the ring 'round his neck. "We promised each other that we would be honest, even when holding something back would spare the other person's feelings."

Remus nodded. "I don't imagine Kate envisioned a baby when you made those promises, Padfoot."

Sirius closed his eyes. "I don't imagine she did, either. Mooney, why do we keep doing this to each other? Just when things start going well, something big happens and one of us goes back on our promises to the other. Why does that happen?" He opened his eyes and looked at his friend.

Remus shrugged. "I think that it's probably to be expected, Padfoot, given what you've been through. You've hardly had a normal relationship, have you? And you can't say that you've not improved because you're so much better now than you were."

Sirius nodded. "Maybe." He rose. "But maybe we won't ever be any different. Maybe we'll never have a relationship where we can trust each other enough to tell the truth. I love her more than my own life, Remus, but maybe that's not enough. There's something about me – or about us together – that prevents us from complete trust. This wasn't just her baby, Mooney, it was mine, too. Kate decided how I was going to feel and made the decision not to tell me. I didn't get to choose how I felt – she did. This was the biggest thing that's ever happened to us – to me – and she didn't share it with me."

Remus watched as Sirius walked to the doorway and back again. His words didn't bother him as much as his demeanor. Sirius' voice was low and almost expressionless and his face was also fairly impassive. Remus was at a loss as to what he should do. "Sirius, Kate is going to need you when she wakes up. She obviously doesn't know that she's lost the baby. She will need to grieve and she will turn to you. Sirius, you know that woman loves you just as much as you love her."

Sirius nodded. "I'm sure she does, Mooney. I'm not going to desert her. I promised that I would stay here until she could leave with me and I meant it." He walked back to the doorway. "I'm going to go and sit with her for awhile. I promised Molly I'd take the next shift."

Remus, still incredulous at his friend's attitude, rose to accompany him. He needed to let Albus know about Sirius' very unexpected reaction to this news.

Sirius opened the door and, as he crossed the threshold, he turned to Remus. "I think we can end the Silencing Charm now, don't you?" and he walked past Albus and Molly and through the door to Kate's room. The other two occupants of the room watched Sirius leave, then turned to Remus, their faces questioning. Remus explained what had happened when he'd delivered the news. Without a word, Molly went into Kate's room, returning several moments later.

"Shock," she told them. "Sirius is in shock. What you're seeing as expressionless and barely responsive is hiding his true reaction."

Albus glanced at Remus then back to the Healer again. "You're certain?"

Molly nodded. "My diagnostics are quite clear."

Remus stood in the doorway, watching Sirius as he sat by Kate's bed. "What can we do to help pull him out of it?" he asked, finally turning back to Molly.

"Nothing," she said. "He will come out of it in his own time and when something happens to trigger his true reaction."

"And in the meantime?" Remus asked.

"We just make sure he eats and sleeps and, when he finally gets to the breaking point, we just make sure that we're there for him," Molly said. "For both of them."

XXXXXXXX

In Kate's room, everything was quiet. Sirius sat by her bed, watching her face as he had hours ago when he first arrived. He felt numb and he couldn't bring himself to touch her. Sirius didn't know how he knew this, but he felt that if he touched her now, he would somehow crack open and never be able to come together again.

She's so still, he thought to himself. Unconsciously, his eyes traveled down to her abdomen. He closed his eyes and pictured Kate's body the last time he had seen her nude. Had it only been last evening? Yes. She had come out of the bathroom in her robe, but had removed it to dress. He had sat on the window seat while Kate dressed. In his mind he moved from her face down her throat, past her breasts to her stomach then to her abdomen. Had it been as flat as it was now? Wasn't there a little swell he'd never seen there before? Why couldn't he recall? He looked back at Kate's face. Even in repose, she looked sad, suddenly. Could she know what had happened earlier this morning? Sirius shook his head and sat back in the chair. He shivered; he was cold – inside and out and he was so tired. Sirius closed his eyes again and before too much time had passed, his chin had dropped down onto his chest and he had fallen asleep. He never felt the warming blanket encircle his shoulders as Remus tried to quell his shivers…

… and both wizards missed the movement of Kate's fingers against the blanket on which they rested.