Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter
Chapter 49 – This Secret Hangs Between Us
Sirius awakened with a start, knowing he had been dreaming but of what he could not recall. He glanced at the window and saw the dense gray daylight that came with snowstorms. Small flakes were picked up by the wind, whirled in circles like breathless dancers, then released to spring back against the glass only to be caught up again as the sequence was repeated. Sirius watched the March snowstorm unfold for awhile then turned to check on Kate. She hadn't moved while he'd slept but unless he was sorely mistaken, her cheeks looked as if they'd picked up a slight bit of color.
"You're awake," Molly Selkirk's voice broke into his thoughts.
Sirius nodded. "So it would appear," he said.
"I've brought you some soup, a sandwich and some tea," the Healer said briskly, levitating a small table to a position beside Sirius' chair. He waved his hand dismissively.
"I'm not hungry," he said, his eyes turning back to Kate.
"I didn't ask if you were hungry," Molly said. "You need to eat and so you will. It is not up for discussion."
Sirius looked up at her. "But I'm not hungry…"
Molly put her hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, you can hardly afford to lose weight. You need to eat to keep up your strength. You will need to be strong for you and for Kate. She's going to need you."
Sirius shrugged. "Molly, I don't think she needs me at all," he said quietly, looking over at the woman lying on the bed.
Molly summoned a chair from the corner and gently dropped it next to Sirius'. "How can you say that, Sirius?" she asked him.
"She never told me about the baby," he said. "Doesn't really seem like she needed me, does it?"
"I'm sure she had her reasons," Molly said.
"Maybe," he said, pulling the tray toward him and swallowing a spoonful of the hot soup. "But the bottom line is that we promised each other that we'd never hide anything again. She broke that promise; it's not the first time."
Molly looked at him sadly. "Finish your lunch, child. Perhaps things will seem better on a full stomach."
Sirius said nothing further as he turned his attention to his meal. When he had finished, he carried his tray out to the small kitchen and put the dishes in the sink. Feeling a bit lonely, he half hoped he would run into the Healer, but she was nowhere to be found. Still unable to shake off the feeling of loneliness or the numbness he'd had since speaking with Remus, Sirius made his way back to Kate's room.
Sitting in his chair next to her bed, Sirius found himself searching her face – for what, he wasn't certain. Answers? Maybe.
"Here we are again, Kate," he said to her softly, clasping his hands together in his lap. "Sometimes I think that you and I are allowed to be happy only in small bursts. The rest of the time, we're just angry with each other. You and I promised that we wouldn't do that anymore. We promised that we wouldn't hide things from each other – remember?" Sirius snorted. "You can consider that a rhetorical question, I suppose. I guess you already have considering what's happened to us this time; what you've kept from me for the last two months."
Molly walked into the Great Room from her bedroom and heard Sirius' voice. Her heart in her throat, she quickly walked to the doorway, wondering if Kate had awakened. When she reached the threshold, she stopped. Kate was still unconscious and as still as ever. Sirius sat slumped in his chair, eyes fixed firmly on Kate's face, talking as if they were in the middle of a conversation.
"I don't know what to think and I don't understand how I feel. I know I love you but I don't feel it; I don't really feel anything, except that here we are again. It's been ok between us for a few months, but now it's gone wrong again. Is it really me, Kate? Am I to blame for the fact that we can't seem to keep things working straight? I know that I've flown off the handle and that I haven't been rational at times – and I know that you and I didn't see eye to eye on the whole thing with Harry. Is that it, Katie? Did all that anger and mistrust lead you to keep your condition a secret?" Sirius paused and looked out of the window for a few moments, watching the snow pile up in the curves of the window panels. When he turned back to Kate, Molly noted that his face seemed less impassive than before. Maybe this very one-sided 'conversation' will help him, she thought.
"I know that I'm not the most stable person, but you said that I've gotten better. Have I not improved enough? Were you afraid that I couldn't hold it together for you – for our child? Did you think I'd hurt either of you? Remus told me that you were afraid I'd react badly because of my circumstances: the most wanted wizard in Britain, imprisoned in that hellhole of a house; was that it? And what does 'react badly' mean? I hate that you're just lying there and you can't tell me what I did wrong this time, because it has to be me, doesn't it? Only, Katie, there's a part of me that doesn't think so; it's not a big part, mind, but there's something there that says maybe you made the mistake this time around." Sirius stopped and took a deep breath, looking down and noticing that his hands were balled into tight fists. "Well, I guess this little talk made me feel something, anyway. Problem is, it's not something you would approve of, I guess. I'm angry. I'm angry that you decided how I would feel and how I would react and you kept my child a secret from me. I'm angry that you made me think that we had a chance at a life together and then decided to take it away and never even talked to me." He stopped speaking again and closed his eyes, struggling to bring his anger under control. After several long moments, Sirius opened his eyes and looked at Kate's face. This time, when he spoke, his voice was quiet and controlled. "I'm angry that love means something different to you than it does to me. Because I love you, I promised to work on all the things that were wrong with me and to make sure I didn't hide myself or anything else from you. Because I love you and wanted a life with you, I've kept that promise. When you told me that you loved me, I thought you wanted the same things. You promised to be honest with me and that you wouldn't have secrets from me, either." Sirius' voice dropped even further as he leaned closer to Kate's face. "This was one big fuckin' secret to break your promise with, Katie-girl." And with that comment, he straightened up and just stood by the bed for a moment.
Molly wiped her cheeks and quickly made her way to the kitchen. If Sirius was planning to leave Kate's room, she was reluctant to have the grieving wizard find her eavesdropping on him.
XXXXXXXX
The interior of Interrogation Room 1 at the Ministry was sparsely furnished. Tonks frequently thought that the head of the MLE must have watched many episodes of the American Muggle television show, "Dragnet" to come so close to replication here. There was a metal table and three chairs in the center of the room and the gaslights on the walls cast eerie shadows into all four corners. Unlike that world of make-believe, however, there was no 2-way mirror on the wall. Instead, Ministry officials could monitor interrogations by casting "Revelo" and watching directly through a magical porthole in the wall, itself – a porthole that was not visible to those in the interrogation room.
At the moment, Malodros Spear sat in the single chair facing the observation area, waiting for his interrogation meeting to begin. He looked nervous, an appearance that was alien from his previous, more arrogant demeanor. His wrists and ankles were shackled and he looked as if he had not slept in quite some time. It was clear that the night spent in the Ministry's holding cell had not been a pleasant one.
"Looks a bit like he's been hit with a bludger, doesn't he?" Tonks said, with a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. "Ruddy bastard. He's the one who should be lying in hospital instead of Kate."
Kingsley nodded and put his hand on her shoulder. "She's going to be alright, Tonks. We'll check in on her after we finish here," he said. "Come on; let's see what our former colleague has to say to us. We've let him stew for an hour; he should be about ready to talk." He cancelled the charm with a wave of his hand and the porthole disappeared.
Tonks nodded and followed Kingsley as the man threw open the door with such force that it banged hard against the stone wall behind it. His action had the desired effect as Spear jumped, wincing as the shackles bit into his ankles.
"Settle down," Kingsley advised, closing the door and taking a seat next to Tonks on the opposite side of the table.
"It's ruddy cold in here," Spear said, a small shiver underscoring his words.
"Warmer than the holding cell, I'd wager," Kingsley cheerfully responded. "And much warmer than Azkaban, I assure you."
"I haven't had anything to eat or drink since I was brought to that holding cell," Spear whined.
"Oi, do we look like cafeteria workers?" Tonks asked sarcastically. "You'd do well to focus on answering our questions – truthfully – and then we may consider giving you a bit of something to eat and drink."
"Spear, I believe you already know what it is that you're facing. An Auror, a Ministry employee, in active league with the Dark Lord through his group of sycophantic followers known as 'Death Eaters'", Kingsley paused. "A traitor, really. People like you are generally held up as examples to others who might be tempted to follow the same rocky path."
Spear's face grew paler than before. "I'm not one of them," he said, his eyes shifting from Kingsley to Tonks then back again.
"Then you won't mind showing me your arm, will you?" Kingsley asked quietly.
Spear's eyes widened a bit and he left his shackled hands in his lap.
"I guess that's my answer, then," Kingsley said softly. "Spear, you need to know that the Dark Mark you have on your arm will result in a much harsher time for you in this matter. You will be tried, yes, but as a traitor and Death Eater, your trial will be a matter of form and your sentence will, of course, be imprisonment in Azkaban. There is a way that you might be able to make things easier for yourself, however. Let's say that you knew the location of Malfoy and or the remaining escaped Death Eaters who got away last night. Sharing that information with us just might help your case."
The look on Spear's face was one of pure agony, but he remained silent.
"Come on, Kingsley, let's go talk to Mulciber. Perhaps he'll be more cooperative than this one," said Tonks, disdainfully.
Kingsley rose and took one final look at Spear. "If he is, Spear, the deal will go to him. I've only got one to offer and it's first come, first served." He paused. "No? Well, then, it's your funeral." Kingsley opened the door for Tonks. "I would imagine there are a couple of residents who will be very happy to see the Auror who sent them there."
"Wait!" Spear's shrill cry split the silence in the room. Kingsley and Tonks turned back to him expectantly.
"Did you have something you'd like to tell us?" Tonks asked him sweetly.
Spear nodded, perspiration breaking out on his forehead and upper lip. "But you have to protect me," he choked out.
Kingsley and Tonks closed the door and reclaimed their seats. "If you have anything that turns out to be of use to us, I will do whatever I can to protect you."
Spear licked his lips nervously and shook his head. "Not good enough. Believe me, what I have to tell you will merit my protection."
The two Aurors exchanged a brief look. Kingsley conjured a magical pen and parchment and placed them on the table. The quill was poised over the parchment, waiting. With a final look at his former colleagues, Spear took a deep breath and began to speak.
XXXXXXXX
Sirius awakened sharply, his breathing labored and his body covered in perspiration. He tore the covers away from himself and rose, stripping his clothing off on his way to the bathroom. As he stood in the shower, he tried to remember the nightmare that had gripped him, but the images were melting and disappearing even as he tried to focus. The only thing he knew was that this was a different dream than those that plagued him at Grimmauld Place. Sighing, Sirius finished his shower and dressed in fresh robes that Remus had packed and brought to the Annex sometime during the morning.
Wandering out into the kitchen, Sirius found Molly sitting at the table making notes on a large piece of parchment and sipping a cup of tea.
"Is there enough tea to share?" he asked, receiving a warm smile.
"Of course, child. Sit down," Molly gestured to a chair next to her. As she summoned a large mug from the counter and poured Sirius a generous cup of the steaming tea, she added, "Two of your friends stopped in whilst you were asleep."
Sirius blew on his tea. "Oh?"
"Mmhmm. Kingsley Shacklebolt and your cousin, Nymphadora, were here. They said they'd stop back this evening," Molly told him.
Sirius snorted. "Unless you want to be on the receiving end of your profession's skills, you'll not call my cousin by her given name to her face," he told her. "It's 'Tonks', if you please."
Molly chuckled. "Yes, I found that out."
Sirius sipped his tea. "Did they stop in to see Kate?"
"For a moment. Nymph … Tonks seems quite fond of her. She was upset that Kate hasn't yet awakened." Molly remembered the young woman's expression as she looked at her friend and awkwardly smoothed her blanket and patted her hand. It had been quite touching and more than a little sad.
"Yes, Tonks really looks up to her." He paused for a moment. "How is Kate? Any change?" Sirius was still feeling a good deal of anger toward Kate, the result of the time he spent with her earlier in the day.
Molly nodded. "Her vital signs are a bit stronger and there's more color in her face than there was this morning. All positive signs."
"Do you know when she might wake up?"
Molly shook her head. "We can never tell, child. As I told you, she's suffered tremendous trauma with the Cruciatus and then, the loss of the baby. It may be awhile yet, before she comes around." The Healer watched the wizard for a few moments as he quietly drank his tea. "Sometimes it helps the patient to have a loved one speak or read to them while they're unconscious. Just because they cannot respond to us does not mean they cannot hear us," she added.
Sirius looked up sharply. "Is there no way to know – really know – if she can hear us?"
In for a penny, in for a pound, she thought. "For certain? No. But it is highly likely. If there are things you would like to say to Kate, I think that you should do so. There are Healers who believe it can bring the patient around more quickly."
Sirius gave her a level stare. "Molly, I'm feeling a good deal of anger toward Kate right now. Earlier, I said some things that I perhaps should have waited to say."
Molly put aside her parchment and leaned over to put her hand over Sirius' where it lay on the table. "I don't believe in coincidence, child. I believe that everything in this life happens for a reason. We don't always learn what that reason is, but I know in my heart that nothing is random. If you said things to Kate this morning, they needed to be said. Perhaps in retrospect, you realize that some of them might not have been entirely true, or might have been colored by your own emotions and fears. That's fine. Perhaps the purpose was to have you just get them out where you could see them. In many ways, you are grieving just as Kate will need to do. You are grieving what you perceive to be the death of the trust you thought you had between you. But, Sirius, do not allow yourself to throw your relationship away before you have the chance to really talk with Kate and listen to what she has to say to you. From what I understand, your lives have taken so many twists and turns, yet you've always found your way back to each other. That takes great love and great commitment. I know what Azkaban does to men, Sirius – and it takes far less time than 12 years for the destruction to occur. To have found each other after that experience is a testimony to what you have."
Sirius nodded, looking away. "I know what we had, Molly. I just don't know if it's enough anymore. Every time we turn around, we're angry with one another. Sometimes it's because I've mucked it up; actually, it's usually because I've mucked it up. I either imagine things that aren't there or my neurotic approach to decisions drives her bonkers. Maybe she just doesn't want me anymore. Maybe that's why she hid the pregnancy from me."
"That's where you're wrong, child. Kate loves you very much. Very much, indeed. Do you know that when I offered to tell her the sex of the baby, she turned me down," Molly told him. "She told me that she'd rather come back in a few months with the father – so you could be told together. She didn't want to find out without you, Sirius. I'll grant you that I don't know either of you very well, but that sort of request doesn't generally come from a woman who is not in love with the father of her child," she reasoned.
Sirius placed his other hand on top of Molly's and squeezed lightly. "Thank you," he whispered. Gently extracting his hand, Sirius stood. "I think I'll go and sit with her awhile," he added.
"I think that's an excellent idea," Molly agreed. "I'll call you when dinner is ready."
Sirius nodded and left the room.
XXXXXXXX
Sirius sat silently with Kate, thinking about all that had happened that day – including his conversation with Molly, until Kingsley and Tonks arrived in the late afternoon. When they came in to check on her progress, Sirius rose and Tonks embraced him tightly. "How are you holding up, Sirius?" she asked, sniffling a bit and wiping her nose with her sleeve.
Sirius reached into the pocket of his robes and handed her a handkerchief. "Here, use this. I'm fine, thanks," he said then offered his hand to Kingsley, who shook it warmly.
"Sirius," he said. "How is she?"
"She seems a bit better this afternoon," Sirius said. "She has better color, as you can see." Tonks went around to the side of the bed and sat in Sirius' chair. Kingsley took Sirius' arm and led him toward the doorway.
"I heard about the baby, Sirius. I'm sorry," he said.
"Thanks. How did you hear?"
"Remus. I ran into him at Headquarters earlier," Kingsley told him. "I wish things had turned out differently."
Sirius nodded. "Thank you," he said again. "Any progress on the investigation?" His lip curled. "Has anyone decided to give over on Malfoy yet?"
Kingsley nodded shortly. "As a matter of fact they have. Spears decided that his ruddy hide needed a little Ministry protection and had quite a tale to tell as a result."
Sirius looked at him, waiting expectantly for more detail.
"Later. I understand that Albus and Remus will be joining us for dinner. We'll tell you everything then. Albus has assigned Dobby, the Malfoy's old house elf, to the Annex now that it appears that you all may be here for longer than a few days. You will recall that Harry tricked Lucius into freeing Dobby a couple of years ago?" At Sirius' confused nod, Kingsley continued. "In addition to relieving you and Molly from kitchen duty, as a free house elf, Dobby no longer has any loyalty to the Malfoys. Albus felt that perhaps Dobby might be able to share some of the layout of the Manor in Wiltshire. Might give us some valuable information about the location of the remaining escapees."
Sirius nodded. "I'll look forward to hearing what Spear had to say. What about Mulciber? Does that need to wait until dinner?"
Kingsley shook his head. "No. Mulciber refuses to speak with us, unsurprisingly. He is back in his cell in Azkaban – where he will stay for a very long time."
"Kate?" Tonks' excited voice drifted over to them from Kate's bed. Immediately, Sirius and Kingsley rushed to her side.
"What is it, Tonks?" Sirius asked, eyes moving swiftly over Kate's face.
"She moved," Tonks said. "She moved her hand like she was trying to reach for something."
Sirius leaned over and looked at Kate's face. "Kate?" Did her eyelids flutter just a bit? He couldn't be certain, but he thought he saw something.
Stepping away from the bed, Sirius moved to the doorway and called for the Healer. It took Molly only a moment to arrive in Kate's room and to hear what both Tonks and Sirius had to report. "I'd like to examine her, if you could all please step into the next room for a moment. I'll join you when I'm finished."
The three friends left the Healer to her work, moving into the Great Room to wait. Fifteen minutes later, Molly rejoined them.
"Is she awake?" Tonks jumped up from the couch at her entrance.
Molly smiled at the young woman, but shook her head. "No, dear, she is not awake. I'm sorry." She turned to Sirius, who stood in front of the fireplace. "She's closer, though. It's a very good sign, child."
Sirius nodded and continued to gaze into the fire. What will happen then, Katie-girl? He took several deep breaths to bring his emotions under control. Will we come out of this one stronger than before? Or will we finally walk away for good?
"I hope so, Molly," he said quietly.