Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter
Chapter 50 – Awakenings
Silence. No sounds of war came to her now; no voices raised in battle reached her ears; no gentle hum of warmth and concern that had so recently pierced her consciousness; no low-pitched baritone steeped in sadness, in bitterness, in anger could be heard.
Kate tried again to open her eyes, as she had been doing each time she awakened over the past – how many? – hours; again they would not obey. The last time she had awakened, Kate had been able, finally, to move her hand. She had heard a voice – Tonks'? -and had reached toward it, desperate to let someone know she could hear them; at some level, she was awake, or, at least, aware. Tonks had noticed and others had come and that extra thrum of magic that seemed to surround her at different intervals came again. And, as usual, once it was over, she felt drained and lost the connection to what was happening around her as she fell back into the darkness.
Soon, Kate abandoned the struggle to make her body obey her; the fight was too taxing and she did not want to relinquish this level of awareness to exhaustion too soon. Instead, she lay quietly, listening to her surroundings and drifting in an out of this "awareness" state, as she had come to think of it.
Suddenly, the low baritone voice was back. "…says you're closer to waking up," Kate heard. "When you reached out to Tonks earlier, the Healer said it meant that you were becoming more aware of your surroundings. I wish I knew how to feel about that, Katie-girl." Sirius. Merlin, how can that be? Where am I? I can't be in hospital, otherwise he couldn't be here. I can't be at Grimmauld, but how can he be anywhere else?
"I'm not sure what's going to happen when you wake up," Sirius continued and Kate could hear that odd mix of sadness and anger she had heard before. "I'm not sure I know how to talk to you anymore; but I have so many things I need to say, need to ask." The baby. He knows about the pregnancy…
She heard the chair scrape against the floor. No! Don't go. Stay. Talk to me. "Kingsley, Tonks, Dumbledore and Remus have arrived for dinner. Kingsley arrested Spear and re-arrested Mulciber at Hogsmeade Station the night that you…well, the night of your encounter. Spear spilled his guts to Kingsley and Tonks for consideration in his sentence – and protection from his former friends. Mulciber is back in Azkaban. I hope that Spear gave them a lot of detail about Lucius Malfoy. Katie, whatever else happens, I want that man to pay for what he did to you. Rest, now. Merlin, 'rest now'; I don't even know if you can hear me."He paused. "I'm going to join the others. I'll stop back later." Then, Kate heard the echo of footsteps and knew he was gone.
Lucius Malfoy. The pain he inflicted was beyond belief. Kate could feel her body burn and her muscles seize as the memory of the repeated Cruciatus curses came clearly to mind. The inability to draw breath, to think beyond the agony was almost too much to recall. After a moment or two of living the horror again, Kate allowed herself to slip back into darkness – and peace.
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Sirius walked into the kitchen and took his place at table. Mindful of Molly Selkirk's watchful eye, he filled his plate with generous portions of roasted potatoes, asparagus and roast beef and poured himself a tall glass of milk. He turned and gave the healer a wide-eyed look, while gesturing toward his plate. "Happy?" he mouthed. She smiled at him and inclined her head slightly.
"Kingsley. Tonks. Now that we're all here, perhaps you can enlighten us as to the result of your interrogation of Spear and Mulciber," Albus suggested.
Kingsley sat back in his chair, crossing his legs with an air of a man with a significant story to tell. He glanced 'round the table at those assembled then took a breath and began. "As you would imagine, Spear is not privy to the high level machinations of the Death Eater organization. He was, however, valuable to Lucius in attempting to access the Department of Mysteries. Obviously, they have been otherwise occupied, which probably accounts for the reason that Spear is still alive. He would, after all, have been no more successful, in the end, than Bode. At any rate, after proving most helpful in both the breakout of the ten Death Eaters from Azkaban and the disposition of Prudence Castleberry at St Mungo's, Malfoy realized that Spear's future use would be limited so he set him up in the safe house in Totland while he tried to figure out what to do with him. Turns out, Spear enhanced his value by putting together the location for the transfer of most of the Death Eaters to Totland, although that fell by the wayside after our little skirmish." Kingsley paused for a sip of butterbeer.
"You've confirmed they're not there, then?" Sirius asked.
Kingsley nodded. "We've had Dawlish and Mad Eye out on surveillance since the night they attempted the transfer. There's no sign of anyone at that location. It strengthens Spear's assertion that some of them are holed up in Wiltshire, with Malfoy himself or at other locations he or his wife owns. We've put teams on surveillance at all known locations but we've yet to see anyone of interest – including Malfoy. We attempted to interview him at his home, but his wife said that he was on a business trip and would not be returning for several days."
"Is Fudge any warmer to the idea that Voldemort is back?" Sirius asked. "I assume you met with him to discuss Hogsmeade Station."
Kingsley nodded. "I have. He felt that we should withhold comment or judgment until Malfoy returns from his 'business trip' and we are able to interview him; a conversation which the Minister plans to attend."
Remus shook his head. "And the fact that Malfoy was in the presence of and actively working with several of the escaped Death Eaters did not appear to sway him at all, I suppose?"
"Not in the least, Remus, although I will say that his nerves appear to be paying the price for his denial. Not a lot of eye contact to be had when I met with him," Kingsley stated.
Dumbledore, who had been silent throughout the conversation, now spoke. "I believe, Remus, that Cornelius realizes that he painted himself into a very narrow political corner some time ago. He's denied the resurgence of Voldemort to preserve his own sense of well-being – not to mention his job. He's catered to Lucius Malfoy and accepted his galleons. Now, one of his own senior Aurors has come to him with incontrovertible proof that Malfoy is in league with Voldemort and has used an Unforgivable Curse to torture another senior Auror. I'll wager that the Minister will find his way out of that corner by pursuing a time-honored excuse on behalf of Malfoy – the Imperius Curse."
Sirius snorted. "That will be rich to see. Malfoy was under the constraints of the Imperius, a curse Voldemort used handily in the first war; however Fudge denies the resurrection of Voldemort, so how can the theory logically stand? He's delusional if he thinks people will buy into that theory."
"It worked the last time," Remus put in. "I would imagine that Malfoy would consider it a foregone conclusion that it would work again."
"Is there a chance that Veritaserum could be used as part of the interrogation?" Sirius asked.
Kingsley nodded. "Of course; it is routinely used when the MLE anticipates a witness will be uncooperative or less than completely truthful. The problem will be convincing Fudge that it's required. I believe, however, with a bit of creativity, we can persuade him."
Albus spoke up again. "There was no sign of Bellatrix LeStrange at Hogsmeade Station, is that correct?"
Tonks nodded. "My dear auntie was most likely holed up somewhere safe with her boyfriend – the Dark Lord, while hubby was out wreaking havoc on the countryside."
"One more interesting piece of information came out of our conversation with Spear," Kingsley continued. "And it's one that should be of particular interest to you, Sirius; Pettigrew has been attending his Master since he came back to full strength last year. Spear has no idea who he is, but he spoke of a man, on the fringes of the Death Eaters yet not one of them, a short, watery, wasted little man with a silver hand. A man whom the others called 'Wormtail'." Sirius' face paled at the name.
"Kate was right, then," Remus said quietly, glancing at his friend.
Sirius rose. "No, Mooney, she wasn't 'right'. Keeping her secret from me wasn't right. We all want to capture Wormtail. We all know that he's with Voldemort, based on what happened last year after the Tri-Wizard Tournament," he spat bitterly.
Tonks from her cousin to Remus, her face confused. "What are we talking about here?"
Remus addressed Sirius instead. "Padfoot, I believe Kate meant that perhaps he might show himself or that his location might be revealed to us, leaving him vulnerable to capture."
Sirius shook his head. "Two entirely different issues. You can't excuse this one, Mooney. I can accept the blame for the incident with Harry at Christmas, but this one isn't mine. If you'll excuse me, I'm finished here."
Sirius strode into the Great Room and, after a moment, Tonks followed him.
"Oi, Sirius," she called, drawing level with him and catching his arm. "What in bloody hell is going on?"
Sirius looked down at her, eyes flashing. "It's nothing to you, Tonks. I'm going to lie down for awhile."
Tonks tightened her hold. "Once you tell me what's happening, you can sleep. Sirius – Kate's my friend and I care about her very much. You're my family; I love you and I hate to see you unhappy. Tell me what's happening; maybe I can help you."
Sirius shook his head. "You can't help me, but if you insist upon knowing what happened, I'll tell you. Here, sit down and I'll satisfy your curiosity." And, for the next ten minutes, Sirius did. When he was finished, he seemed unmoved by the tears the young Auror was clearing from her face.
Taking a shuddering breath, Tonks looked at him. "I'm very sorry, Sirius," she said softly. "I'm sorry that you've lost your child."
Sirius looked down at his clasped hands. "I can't lose something I never had, can I? I never knew about the baby until it … until after Kate miscarried."
Tonks looked at him critically. "But it was still your child, Sirius; your child with Kate. You love each other and you need to grieve this – together."
Sirius shook his head. "I'm not so sure that loving each other is enough for us anymore, Dora," he said, reverting to the nickname he used when she was a child.
"What do you mean?" Tonks sat back into the cushions and watched his profile as he looked at the fire.
"You're too…" he began, but was interrupted – loudly.
"Do not tell me that I'm 'too young', Sirius Black," she said, her hair momentarily changing from its customary pink to bright red. "I hear enough of that from your mate out there." Tonks tilted her head in the direction of the kitchen where Remus and the others were still seated. "Now, you tell me what's going through that addled brain of yours or I'll hex you where you sit!"
Sirius turned and gave her a sad smile. "You remind me of your mother more and more. Alright. Look, Kate and I have not had an easy time of it since she got back. We've had a couple of rows about things each of us have done wrong. You've seen this, yes?" Sirius paused to pull the promise ring from under his robes, allowing it to hang from its golden chain where it could be seen.
"That's Kate's promise ring," Tonks explained. "I knew she wasn't wearing it anymore, but I didn't figure it was my business to ask her about it. Why do you have it?"
Sirius sighed, fingering the ring. "When Kate and I resolved our last bad patch, she told me that perhaps it would be better if I wore it – like this – to remind me of the promises I made to her. I'm not getting into detail about those with you, but I will tell you that our biggest issue is trust. Trying to spare each other's feelings by withholding things or parts of things, you know…" he trailed off.
Tonks nodded and reached over to take his hand. "And you think that Kate betrayed your trust by not telling you about the baby." It wasn't a question.
Sirius nodded. "Yes, I do. Remus said that Kate had her reasons and he told me what some of them were when he told me about the miscarriage."
"I'm sure that she was trying to do what was best for everyone," Tonks said, and held up her hand to stop him when it appeared that Sirius was about to interrupt her. "Shut up, Sirius; I'm not finished yet. I don't think she did the best thing for you in this, but it's none of my business. It's none of Remus' business. He can share what Kate said to him, but no one can tell you what you want to know but Kate. I think you're making a big mistake coming to any kind of decision about your relationship until Kate wakes up and you talk with her; and Sirius – you have to talk with her. You can't disappear into Buckbeak's room with a couple of bottles of Firewhiskey this time, you know," she said, not unkindly.
"I haven't done anything like that in a very long time, Dora," Sirius said, quietly.
"I know that, cousin," she replied. "I just thought you could use the reminder. The healer thinks Kate could wake up soon."
Sirius looked at her. "I'm not sure what I'll do when she does, Dora."
Tonks leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. "You'll talk with her, just like always. You'll look into her eyes and you'll ask the questions you need answers to and if you fight as a result, then so be it. Fight it out. You know that you love her; it's just that everything that's happened lately has been so unexpected and it's shocked you a bit. Once you can look into her eyes and talk with Kate and not that still, silent patient in that bed over there, I'll bet that everything will work itself out." She picked her head up off his shoulder and placed a small kiss on his cheek.
Sirius turned his head and looked at her for several long moments. Finally, he gave her a small smile. "You know, you might not be 'too young' after all."
"Huh," Tonks snorted as she stood up and offered her hand to help him do the same. "Tell that to your friend out there," she said nodding again with her head.
Sirius took her hand and got to his feet. "Perhaps I will," he said. "But first, I think I've got a few things to sort out for myself." Instead of heading to his room, as he had originally intended to do when he left the kitchen, he took a step toward Kate's room. As he approached the doorway, Molly emerged.
"How is she?" Sirius asked.
"Much better," came the reply.
Sirius nodded and moved past Molly and over to the chair at the side of Kate's bed. "Would you say my 'good nights' to everyone?" he asked as he settled in.
"Of course," the Healer answered. "I'll check in on you later, child." With that, she left.
Sirius looked at Kate's face and saw what Molly meant when she said Kate was 'better'. Her color was much closer to its normal hue and her mouth looked less pinched than it had. Molly had previously told him that as Kate's body began to heal itself from the effects of the Cruciatus Curse, there would have been an improvement in the outward signs of the torture she had endured. Simultaneously, she would have become slowly more aware of her surroundings, finally awakening when the pain had been almost completely obliterated.
"I don't think I've ever spent so much time with you where I was the only one talking," Sirius said to her quietly. "I hate it, truth be told. There are too many things I want to know – too many I need to know. Remember the time before Christmas when we had that first falling out? You came into the kitchen and I tried to talk with you but you weren't having it. You told me that you were too angry and resentful of me to have any kind of a productive conversation. Merlin, I'd never seen you like that before. You were so angry with me because of the situation with Harry. You told me that I didn't have any right to reserve the role of Godparent for myself and deny it to you. It took me awhile to realize that it was more than letting Harry know who you were; I'd hurt you because I'd made the decision on my own, without you." Sirius took a deep breath and leaned down until he could lean his chin on the bed, close to her ear. "But, Katie," he said softly. "You've done the same thing to me. We made a baby together but you never told me. You decided that I shouldn't know and you kept it a secret from me. That wasn't fair and it really hurts. When you were so sick in the morning, you passed it off as a nervous stomach, but it was our child. And you never told me." He sat up and reached for the gold chain around his neck. "You know, Kate, you told me that our relationship would stand a better chance if I wore your promise ring to remind me of all that I'd sworn to do. You said that you'd never needed it to remember what you promised. It's helped me, Kate. It really has, but I don't think I need it any longer, either." He lifted the chain from around his neck and silently worked the catch so he could slide the ring off the chain. When he had done so, Sirius placed the chain on the table next to Kate's bed. He looked at the ring for awhile, swallowing several times before speaking again. "I don't know what's going to happen now, Kate. When you wake up, I suppose we'll talk and maybe we can straighten things out – again. I hope you can tell me why you can't trust me enough to tell me the truth about things – no, about the baby, I'll settle for that. Meanwhile, I'm going to give this back to you and we can figure out what it means later on. I don't have to wear it anymore because I've remembered everything I promised I would try to do and I like to think that I've lived up to those promises. But it didn't make any difference; we're still right back where we started the night you put this 'round my neck. I don't know how many times we can come back to this place and hope to sort it out before it just kills whatever we feel for each other. So, here, Katie-girl, you take it back. Whatever happens, I got it for you in the first place. If we decide to go on, maybe you can look at it and remember the night we stood at this crossroad; if we end it, maybe you can look at the ring and know that we tried as hard as we could but we just couldn't get it right." As Sirius finished speaking, he lifted her right hand and gently put the ring on her finger, bringing it to his lips and kissing the spot. As he laid her hand back on the blanket, he felt it. A slight pressure on his fingers, trying to squeeze his hand. Sirius' eyes snapped from Kate's hand, lying in his, to her face. Her eyes were still closed, but a single tear had slipped from the outer corner of her eye and slid down into her hairline.
Sirius brought his other hand to Kate's forehead, smoothing her hair back and watching her face intently. "Kate, can you hear me?" he whispered. The pressure on his fingers seemed to increase slightly. Turning his face away from Kate, Sirius took a breath and raised his voice slightly, calling, "Molly," sharply. "Molly, come here!"
"Child, what is …" Molly abandoned the question as she took in the scene before her. Sirius made to step to one side to allow Molly to work on Kate, but the Healer stopped him. "Keep talking to her, child." She stepped away to lower the gas lights and candles in the room.
Sirius nodded. "Kate, if you can hear me, open your eyes," he said quietly, returning the pressure on Kate's fingers. Sirius watched her eyelids flutter a bit. "That's it, Katie, open your eyes. Come on, you can do it." Another tear followed the path of the first and Kate's eyes began to slowly open. Opening them fully, Kate snapped them shut again. "Katie-girl, come on. Try again."
Kate heard him and slowly opened her eyes again, squeezing his fingers as she did so. The room was dim, but she could see Sirius' shape leaning toward her. She blinked rapidly and felt the warm wetness of her own tears as they slid from her eyes and into her ears. Even so, her vision slowly improved. Kate opened her mouth to speak but her tongue felt glued to the roof of her mouth. She heard a female voice say, "Here, help her take some of this," then a strong hand was behind her neck lifting her head slightly whilst a smooth tube was placed in her mouth and cool water squirted onto her tongue. She swallowed gratefully and was rewarded with more. A few moments later, she tried again.
Kate squeezed Sirius' hand and he leaned down toward her again. "What is it, Kate?" he whispered, brushing the tears away from her face. Kate tried to convey what she was feeling through her eyes which had not released his since they'd first opened.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, brokenly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she kept repeating the same phrase over and over as Sirius watched her. His lips moved, but there were no words. And, as they looked at each other, and Kate's litany continued, Sirius' tears began.