Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: None for this chapter

Chapter 57 – To Keep You Safe from Harm

Kate opened her eyes and watched as Sirius' face swam into focus above her. She glanced over his shoulder and realized that she was lying on the couch in the Great Room, her head in Sirius' lap and her hand held firmly in his.

"Better, now?" he asked softly, stroking her hair with his free hand.

Kate nodded. "I think so. Tired, though," she finished. "How long have I been out?"

"Oh, not long; perhaps ten minutes," Sirius responded. "I wanted to make you as comfortable as possible," he smiled softly, but Kate could see the concern in his eyes. "Want to try sitting up?" he asked and, at her nod, Sirius helped her sit up and back on the couch.

"Awake, is she?" Molly bustled into the room, with a goblet of steaming potion in one hand and a glass of ice water in another. She handed Kate the goblet first with instructions to down it in one go. Kate sniffed the steam before doing so, recognizing the telltale scent of Pepper-up potion. Ugh! But, she knew from experience that there would be no getting around Molly when it came to healing potions. With a sympathetic glance from Sirius, Kate took a deep breath, opened up her mouth and got the entire dose down without much trouble. The immediate steam release from her ears was unsettling, as it always was, but the simultaneous lift in her energy level more than compensated.

"How did it go?" Sirius asked, handing Kate her water.

"Molly was marvelous," Kate said, smiling. "Did you know what she was planning?"

Sirius nodded. "Yes, but not until after you'd left. She and Dumbledore had worked it out last night. After you'd gone through the Floo, she came into the room with a small satchel in her hand and headed for the fireplace. I barely got the story out of her before she Floo'd to the Ministry" He paused and snorted. "I suppose I'm going to have her to worry about now, too: running off into all manner of dangerous situations." He cast a sidelong glance at Kate then continued softly, "What happened?"

Kate brought Sirius up to speed, shuddering as she recalled Malfoy's comments when addressing his use of the Cruciatus against her.

"Sirius, he claimed to have thought I was pregnant the night of the attack," Kate said quietly, although her hands trembled. "He reminded Fudge of our relationship in the first War and said that it was not unthinkable that you would have come to me again after your escape. Of course, we would have resumed our relationship; I would have become pregnant as a result and would have begun helping you evade recapture. He felt that if he could detain me, he could confirm my condition, hinting that it could result in my arrest as a traitor and your recapture. The baby, apparently, was collateral damage in his plan."

Sirius' face paled and his eyes darkened in anger. "Bastard!"

"Indeed," came a deep, rich voice from the doorway. Kingsley entered and sat in one of the chairs before the fireplace. "But, reprehensible as his comments were today, it's important to remember that the information would have had to come from Spear – who made a guess, at best. It's possible – very possible, indeed – that Malfoy simply wished to apply the Cruciatus against you in return for the curses you cast against him and the other Death Eaters. We do not know when Spear may have mentioned his suspicions to Malfoy. I believe that Malfoy used the rumor as a last-ditch effort to bargain for his own release today."

Kate nodded. "Yes, Kingsley, I know. But Malfoy will now go to trial. He will be questioned in the Wizengamot. He will say it all over again. If I am called to testify, it will be under the influence of Veritaserum or under a Wizard Oath. It matters little which they choose; dishonesty is impossible under either."

"Malfoy won't go to trial," Kingsley said to them. "He admitted wrongdoing – under the effects of Veritaserum and in the presence of two senior level Aurors and the Minister of Magic. The Wizengamot won't waste the galleons on a trial given those facts."

Kate was quiet for a moment and when she spoke, her voice was low and urgent. "You realize what's at stake if you're wrong? I will have to tell the truth about everything I am asked. Malfoy's solicitor will ask about the rumors because Malfoy will claim that he was purely intentioned and seeking to uncover a traitor within the Ministry walls. He has Bode's death on his side to shore up that theory, doesn't he? Factor in my prior history with Sirius and our former relationship then add the fact that he's on the run from the Ministry after his escape from Azkaban. Even if you're not good at maths, Kingsley, you can clearly see that it all adds up to the fact that I will have to tell them everything I know about Sirius. I will have to betray him. Malfoy will probably be awarded the Order of Merlin – 1st Class while Sirius will be captured and …"

"Stop it!" Sirius' voice roared hers into silence. He was trembling as he captured Kate's hands in his. "Stop it, Kate," he said, his voice quieter this time. "We do not know that this will happen. What Kingsley said makes sense: Malfoy has confessed…"

It was Kate's turn to interrupt him. "Malfoy has asked for his solicitor, Sirius," she said, her voice tense. "I don't believe he has done so because he misses his company. I think that he counted on Fudge eliminating the Veritaserum requirement and figured he could lie through his teeth during our meeting; well, that failed, didn't it? Now, he needs to find an alternative – and fast! Who better to assist him than his equally oily solicitor, Llewellyn Jarvis? Sirius, Kingsley, listen to me. Yes, Malfoy confessed but, Kingsley, think. The issue is no longer the confession. The issue is how to justify it. Of course he confessed – he had nothing to fear. He was working for the good of the Ministry in his attempts to corner a potential traitor and recapture our most wanted wizard. He wouldn't have thought to cover up his actions; he was not acting out of anything but concern for the Ministry. That is exactly how Jarvis will play it and, in our current climate, it is exactly what the Wizengamot will buy. And we are irresponsible idiots if we think differently."

Sirius threw up his hands in frustration and turned to Kingsley. He hadn't time to speak before Kingsley said, thoughtfully, "She may, indeed, have a point."

Sirius' eyes widened at the other man. "Kingsley, you, yourself said that the bastard had confessed…"

"Kingsley, do you know if the rumor about the Wizengamot insisting that all witnesses take Veritaserum prior to testifying is true?" Kate rose from the couch and began to pace.

Kingsley watched her movements thoughtfully. "In place of a Wizard Oath? I've heard that said, but I've not been called to testify in the last month or so."

"Do we know anyone we can trust who has?"

Kingsley was quiet for a moment, then picked up his head and smiled at Kate. "Arabella Figg," he said. "She testified on Harry's behalf in September over that business with the Dementors; Dumbledore specifically asked for her. She can tell us; she's sort of part of the Order. Where are you going with this?"

"I just happened to think. If it is Veritaserum, and what Molly said is true, we could employ the neutralizing potion as a counter. Molly said that there is no way to verify whether or not the neutralizer had been consumed. It might be a way around truthful testimony," Kate said.

Kingsley shook his head. "Too easy. After Molly's demonstration this morning, Malfoy could all too easily find out that her "professional scan" was nothing more than old-fashioned smoke and mirrors. Jarvis will demand that a more binding preventative measure be implemented; my bet would be the Wizard Oath. Kate – there's no neutralizing potion or charm for that one."

Kate nodded, resuming her place on the sofa. "There has to be a way, Kingsley. Sirius, do you …" Kate turned to find an empty space beside her. Sirius had, apparently, left.

Following her line of vision, Kingsley rose. "Left the room when you got up; headed that way," Kingsley gestured toward a closed door Kate knew to be Sirius' room. "I'd better go. Malfoy's attorney is due at the Ministry by 3 and I've got paperwork to finish before he gets there." Kate rose as Kingsley crossed the room. He gave her a small hug. "Get some rest. I'll check in later." As he stepped back, he gestured again toward Sirius' door. "Mend some fences first," he said with a small smile. "You'll rest easier if you do."

Kate nodded and watched him go then, with a sigh, she turned toward the hallway where the bedrooms were located, pausing before Sirius' room for a moment before raising her hand to knock. There was no answer. Kate knocked again, slightly louder and called his name softly. Nothing. Determined, she opened the door and peered inside. Sirius lay atop his bedcovers, his back to the door. Kate slipped inside, closing the door behind her. Slipping off her shoes and outer robes, she settled next to him on the bed, spooning behind him. Still, there was no acknowledgement of her presence. Kate listened for it, but did not hear the deep, rhythmic breathing that would indicate that Sirius was asleep. Kate put her arm over his where it rested against his stomach and felt for his hand. She found it and tried to entwine their fingers, but he left his hand limp against hers. She settled for wrapping her hand around his and settled in to wait him out, confident that Sirius would speak up before too much time had passed. As the silence continued, Kate felt the exhaustion of the day's activity claim her and she fell into a restless sleep. When she awoke, the sun had moved round from their side of the Annex, which meant several hours had gone by. Glancing around, Kate realized that she was alone. Damn! Thinking that at least Sirius wasn't able to wander too far, she rose, splashed some water on her face and walked out into the Great Room to find him.

After wandering through the Annex, Kate was beginning to panic a bit, as Sirius was nowhere to be found. She walked into the hospital area and found Molly folding some linen by the cupboard.

"Feeling better?" she asked Kate, smiling at the younger woman.

Kate hugged her in greeting. "Physically, yes, but I'm worried about Sirius. I can't find him and he can't…" Molly interrupted her with a hand on her arm. Smiling, she pointed to an open window at the end of the room. "Out there," she said.

Kate's eyes widened in alarm. "But can't he be seen?"

Molly shook her head. "No part of the Annex can be seen, dear. It's like Order Headquarters."

Kate nodded. "Thank you." She began to walk toward the window then paused and turned back. "He's quite angry with me, I believe. You may hear … yelling," she finished.

Molly's eyebrows went up. "I've heard it before. He's upset, but I wouldn't say he's angry. He wouldn't talk to me about whatever was bothering him. Just gave me a kiss and told me he was going outside for awhile. I figured you'd be along. Here" – she waved her wand over two pillowcases, transfiguring them into thick cloaks. "Take these with you. It's cold out there."

Kate smiled her thanks and resumed her path to the window. Once there, she put her head through the opening. There was a generous balcony just outside, completely bordered by heavy stone railings. Sirius stood in the far corner, looking out at the Black Lake.

"I wondered where you'd got to," Kate said, stepping out onto the stone floor and wrapping the conjured cloak around her shoulders. She walked over to where Sirius still stood facing away from her. She could see the shiver of his shoulders and so reached up and draped the cloak around them.

"I like being out here. It's so … open. I almost feel free," he said, his voice hoarse, finally turning to face her.

"What happened in there?" Kate asked. "You weren't really sleeping when I got into bed with you earlier."

Sirius shook his head. "No, I wasn't. I was upset and I didn't want to talk with you. I hoped I'd fool you into thinking I was asleep and you would leave. I wanted time to work through it all before I saw you." He paused, half smiling. "I should have known better."

"Have you worked it through now?" Kate asked, watching him carefully.

Sirius took a deep breath. "No. I need to figure out how to say what I need you to hear."

Kate nodded, stepping forward and putting her hand on his arm. She felt the muscles tighten but she did not remove her hand. "We're on dangerous ground, you know. We've been here before. One of us is upset we're spending time worrying about how to communicate that fact. This is generally where we get ourselves into trouble. I know that something has upset you; I knew it when I realized you'd left the Great Room earlier. You confirmed it when you wouldn't respond to my touch when I found you in your room. You're doing it again right now. I don't care if you yell or swear – or both. I don't care what words you use. I just want us to figure it out, fix it and move past it. You were the one who said that we'd butted heads in the past and we'd do it again in the future and, 'so what?' So, we'd yell. At least we'd get it out in the open and we'd get past it sooner. Isn't this one of those times?" Kate's voice was soft, but her eyes never left his.

Sirius shook his head and sighed. "Anger I can handle; this isn't anything to do with anger."

"Just talk to me," Kate said. "Please, if I've done something to upset you, tell me so we can deal with it."

Sirius looked at her. "I'm upset because it's starting again. People are getting hurt. It's James and Lily all over again. People are being put at risk – and it's because of me. You and I – we got back together and we … well, we were not careful at all and you got pregnant. However it happened, that fact got out – and Malfoy heard about it. You were tortured because of it. Our child died. You almost died. Now, there's a very real probability that you'll have to testify at Malfoy's trial and it won't matter how well you can act or how convincingly you can hide the truth because those aren't options in front of the Wizengamot, Kate. You are compelled – through whatever magical means they employ – to tell them the truth. There are no alternatives. This time, when you tell the truth, you will brand yourself a traitor – because of me. You will be arrested and put in Azkaban. On a lesser note, I'll be re-captured and given The Kiss. Harry will be left alone. Again. Because of me. And while all this bloody shite goes down around me, I sit idly by." He stopped, breathing heavily. "I can't do it anymore, Katie. I can't just sit here and watch the people I love get hurt because of me."

Kate felt her body begin to tremble from more than the cold. "What are you saying?" she whispered.

"I think it's time for me to leave. If I'm not here, you'll be telling the truth when you testify that you aren't helping me and don't know where I am. I was on the run for the better part of two years. I can do it again…" Sirius was forced to stop speaking as Kate flew at him, putting her hands on either side of his face and refusing to let him jerk away from her grasp.

"NO!" she shouted, eyes flashing. "NO! I will not let you do this. I will not let you run again. You are safe here. No one can find you here or at Grimmauld. You are not going to live in caves or forests as Padfoot, scrounging food from garbage pails and begging scraps from strangers – never having enough to eat. Sleeping in the wet and the cold, never warm enough. Alone – with only your imagination and all those bitter memories as company. If it means using a full Body Bind on you from now until the War is over, I'll do it. Molly will help me, too, if I ask her." Kate was breathing very hard and tears had begun to stream from her eyes. "I won't let you go again! We've been through too much for that. I can't …" Kate stopped. She couldn't continue. She kept staring at his face throughout the entire time she'd been speaking and now that she'd finished, she watched it crumble.

"It's the only thing I can do, Katie," he choked out. "It's all I can do to keep you safe. I'm useless for anything else and keeping you – and Harry – safe is all that matters to me now."

Kate released him and took a step backward. She took several breaths to compose herself then spoke. "I don't know how many times you and I have had a variation of this same conversation and it always comes down to whether or not we stay together. You've come full circle. In a matter of days, you've gone from giving me the choice of leaving you to deciding that you're going to leave me. And it's all to keep me safe. How safe will I be worrying about where you are and how you are? How safe will you be wondering those same things about me? Which one of us will first lose our focus because of that worry – and make a mistake that costs us our life? I'm not prepared to lose you – temporarily or permanently. I thought we'd already decided that being apart wasn't an option for us. I thought we'd agreed that we weren't going to have this conversation again. Why won't you even consider staying the course – staying here – and working to find some other way around that whole bloody trial testimony? For the record, you told me that you would always believe it was your own stupidity that caused James' and Lily's deaths. You made a rash decision out of fear and believed it to be the only way to protect them. You're doing the same thing now. Getting yourself killed or captured or Kissed is not going to protect me and it's not going to protect Harry, either. Leaving us and going on the run again is not the only way to keep me safe and it's certainly not going to do you any good. You've barely begun to recover from the two years you were on the run before settling at Grimmauld. Think about how little time it will take you to lose the ground you've gained. How quickly you'll weaken. And then, you'll be right – there won't be anything you can do to help or keep anyone safe. And there will be nothing anyone can do to keep you safe and, although that's not a concern for you, it sure as hell is a concern for some of us."

Sirius looked at her. "I can't be responsible for hurting one more person that I love," he whispered brokenly. "This morning, listening to you and Kingsley, I realized that the possibility I could do so – again – was very real."

"Then realize this: if you do this – if you leave – you're going to do much more than hurt the people you love, Sirius," Kate said. "If you leave, you will destroy people. You will destroy me. That's real, Sirius."

Sirius remained silent and Kate worked feverishly to think of something – anything – to turn his thoughts around. This was different than anything they had faced since coming back together. This wasn't an argument about trust or fidelity; this was something more. This was elemental, primal. This was all about fear: fear of history repeating itself. Fear that the next death in this war would mirror, in closeness, the final two deaths of the last one. How to make him see that 'death' could be defined as a loss of something more than physical life?

Suddenly, she knew.

Kate stepped closer to Sirius and took his hands in her own. So cold, she thought as his eyes met hers in question.

"If you do this – if you leave – our relationship is over," she said softly, fighting to control her own emotions. "Do not contact me – directly or through anyone else. You are making me responsible for what happens to you. If you are caught and Kissed, it will be my fault. If you are killed, that will be my fault as well. If you are injured, tortured, if you freeze or starve to death, it will be my fault. Because you are willing to sacrifice yourself in a misguided and unnecessary attempt to protect me, you are putting me in the same position you were in when James and Lily were murdered. You are putting the mantle of guilt and responsibility squarely on my shoulders, without thinking about what it will do to me to carry it. Azkaban will be nothing to me compared to what you will have done." The play of emotions across Sirius' face was horrible to watch as she spoke and his fingers had tightened almost unbearably around her own, but Kate was determined to finish what she had started; if he left, after all of this, she had to know that she'd done everything she could to stop him. "If you can hear all of this and are still able to leave, then go. You know the consequences of your decision. I only ask that you speak with Dumbledore and arrange for Harry to come here before you go. Remus, as well. You explain your decision to your Godson and your best friend. You tie up all loose ends before you leave, Sirius. I will not be left here to do it for you." Kate pulled her hands from his grasp and paused for a moment before turning to go back inside. "Remember what you said to me when we talked about the miscarriage and trust? You told me that you loved me enough to let me go if I wanted you to. I didn't then and I don't now. I thought we were all finished with that question – once and for all. Sirius, I love you," she said quietly. "With everything that I am. And that will not change no matter what you decide to do." Kate stopped and closed her eyes, collecting her thoughts. When she opened them, Sirius had moved a step closer to her and he was visibly shaking beneath the cloak. Sirius, do you remember how you felt when you gave me the choice of leaving you? I think that I must feel all of that – but more, because when you leave, unlike if I had decided to go, you may never come back to the people who love you…and they could very easily never even know what happened to you. Bloody lousy legacy, that." And with that, she turned and walked away.