CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

The tinkling sound of cutlery rose and fell with the voices of the people around us. I picked at the olives on my pizza. They were a nice color, and shiny and pretty and like ink, in a weird, edible sort of way. Eran was absorbed in his placemat. It was paper and listen all sorts of Fun Facts about the invention and evolution of pizza.

You're cute, I thought, and immediately slammed down a gate on that particular impression. Where had that come from? In the first place, this was Eran. I was not supposed to be thinking those sorts of things about Eran. In the second, it had been thought speech, not just thought. And the thing about thought speech was that he might hear it, and that would be something akin to awkward.

Not that it mattered, I realized. But he had furrowed his brows and looked up.

"Sorry," he said. "Did you say something?"

"No," I said.

Wait. My stomach leapt up and wrapped around my heart. Can you hear me?

Nothing. The words hit the same wall I'd come across the few other times I'd tried, but it seemed softer and less impermeable, gray instead of black.

Eran. Can you hear me? Eran. Eran. Eran. The name took on a singsong quality in my mind. It bounced off the wall like an echo. Eran. Can you hear me? Eran.

I saw him look up again out of the corner of my eye. I was dipping a breadstick into this place's top-secret sauce and didn't look at him. He went back to the placemat.

Oh my gosh, I thought. You totally heard me. Eran. Eran. Eran…

He looked up a third time.

"Did you turn the oven off before we left?" he asked.

"Was it on?"

"No," he said. "I guess not. I just feel like I've forgotten something."

"Hm."

Eran.

But the wall had gotten hard again. His jaw clenched.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know," he said. "I just got frustrated all of a sudden. No good reason."

"You probably have a reason somewhere," I said, and waited for a light bulb to turn on. He shrugged and didn't reply.

There was something oddly familiar about this scenario. You got frustrated and tense, and the voices stopped. It was one of the first lessons, but the hardest to learn.

"I think," I said, "I think we should go for a walk down by the water after we're done. I want to try something."

"What kind of something?"

"It's a secret."

"Mysterious," he said wryly.

"Just trust me on this, okay? I think it'll help you."

"All right."

We finished the meal and headed out. We'd walked to the restaurant, as it was only a matter of a few blocks, and now we headed home the long way, down by the sea. There weren't many places you could really access it from here, but there was a small park that had beach just beyond the chain link fence that surrounded it.

I sat on the sand in the most secluded place I could find. In between us and the park was a chain-link fence dotted with bushes, so we had relative privacy and relative quiet. A few kids were walking along the rocks nearby, but they ignored us completely. I patted the sand next to me, and Eran sat, an eyebrow lifted.

"What are we doing?"

"Listening."

He looked skeptical but didn't object. We sat for a while. The waves rolled in softly near us, and it wasn't long before we were both staring out at the water. My feet had dug into the sand. When Eran's breathing had slowed and mine had matched it, I tried again.

Eran.

His eyebrow lifted slightly.

Eran. Can you hear me?

His face twitched as though a fly had just landed on it. He was staring out to the sea with great concentration.

"Can you hear it?" I asked. He looked annoyed.

"I can't hear anything. You know that."

"But something's bothering you, right?"

"Yes. So?"

"So I'm trying to talk to you. I'm sending thought speech and I think you're picking up on some of it."

His eyebrows turned down in a scowl of concentration.

"Try again."

Eran. Can you hear me?

"No, I can't hear you," he said. I looked sharply at him. He added, "You're asking 'Can you hear me?' I can't hear it but I know you well enough. Try something I won't guess."

I nodded. "Okay." I think the dishwasher's about to give up the ghost. It was being weird this morning and the plates keep coming out with these scary crusty things on them that were never there to begin with.

"Did you hear that?"

"No. Make sure it's simple."

Cats. Think about cats. Meow. Tails. Whiskers. Cats. Cats. Cats.

He twitched again.

"Stop concentrating so hard," I said. He took a deep breath but his body was tense.

"Try images."

I pictured him touching his nose. Nothing. He rolled his shoulders.

"Are you picturing something?"

"Yes," I said. "Be quiet and listen."

"I am being quiet," he snapped.

"Don't get mad at me, I'm just trying to help."

His mouth opened, then closed again. I could see his jaw clenching as he ground his teeth, biting back whatever retort had come up.

Finger. Nose. Touch your nose.

"I can feel it," he said. "I can tell you're saying something but it's muffled. It's…" He let out a harsh sigh and hit the sand. The guy was radiating annoyance. This was not going to work.

"Just look at the ocean," I said. "Try to relax. Maybe it'll come to you."

"Marina, it's not coming."

The kids had left. I let a handful of sand sift through my fingers. "You've been meditating, right?"

"Of course I have."

"Try to get into that state."

He was rigid for a moment, then stood and brushed sand off.

"This isn't working," he said. "Let's go." He glanced toward the sea with a furrowed brow, as though angry at it, or afraid. I couldn't tell. I clambered to my feet; he offered a hand a second too late.

"Why won't you try?"

"I am trying."

"You are not. You're just as bad as I was," I said. "Can't hold still, won't put any effort into it, and ---"

"What do you want me to do?" he said. "We don't even know if I can get it back."

"You can," I said, voice too firm. "Orion sent us here and I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

"That makes one of us." He looked out at the water again and shifted his weight. "Why did you bring me down here?"

I looked out at the water. Marea was silent, listening in on our conversation. "I thought being near it would help."

"It's not helping," he said. "I hate it here." I frowned, and he added, "Look, let's go."

Hate. It was a word I'd never expected to hear from a Merlan in relation to the sea. I touched his arm softly. He stiffened.

"Eran," I said softly. His shoulders slumped a little. A breeze blew past us and ruffled his hair. He wouldn't look at me.

"I can't stand not hearing her," he said. "Come on, let's go. Please."

Of course. I couldn't imagine it now, though a few years ago the thought that I'd be having this conversation would have been ludicrous.

Eran, came Marea's singsong voice. Eran, little shephard. Listen. Can you hear me?

He twitched, and got stiff again.

"What are you trying now?" he asked. I shook my head.

"That's not me, it's her."

"Karshesh," he muttered. I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded like some sort of oath. "Can't one of you let up for one minute?"

That was a bit unfair. I drew back.

"We're just trying to help," I said. "You can't get mad at us for that."

"I can and I will and I am," he said. He spun on his heel. I reached out to grab him. He stopped dead at my touch, then turned back around. His eyes flashed.

He pushed me against the fence, hands against my shoulders. Branches poked at the back of my knees.

"What are you ---"

Then his lips were on mine. His body was warm and his mouth was hard and urgent. My stomach spun. He smelled amazing. I slid a hand up his back, but the moment it stopped to rest on his neck, he shoved himself roughly away.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he said, voice harsh. "And now, nothing. I feel nothing."

It took me a moment to regain my balance. How could that have been nothing? I opened my mouth.

"Eran, I ---"

He cut me off, still pressing my shoulders against the fence. His face was close to mine, and his expression was wild and dangerous. I couldn't breathe.

"I don't mean it like that," he said. "Your body is there, but I can't hear you. I know your soul must be in there somewhere but I can't find it." His eyes darted all over my face, and then he let go and stepped back. He stared at me for a long time, and then he deflated. He wouldn't look at me again. "I'm sorry," he said in a low voice. "Let's go."

Back at home, he went straight to his room and shut the door, and I started going the day-old pots and pans I hadn't dared put through the dishwasher. I was reeling. Where had that come from? He'd wanted… but I'd never thought…. it had always seemed… I'd kissed him back… he wasn't talking to me now… was he all right?… the feel of his shirt under my hand… his lips… he'd been angry, not in his right mind… but hadn't Lisette always said that people were most honest when they were angry? The thoughts chased each other around in my head until, abruptly, I looked down and realized that the dishes were done. I couldn't remember having washed them, but my hands were wrinkled and the dishes stood dripping on the rack.

I needed air. I needed to talk to someone, but there was only one person. I went outside, ran down to the edge of the street to where I could just see the ocean, and called for her.

Marea?

I told you, not so much talking, she said in a voice more teasing than serious.

What was that? What now? Tell me.

Not my place!

Marea. Please.

A rippling laugh, like wind across the waves. And then she spoke, and her tone was more serious.

I'll tell you this much, little princess, she said. You've turned to the right direction. I'd pursue it, if I were you.

That? That had been the right track? I realized with a jolt that a small part of me wasn't complaining, and the thought made me very nervous.

What do you mean? The kiss or having him listen? I asked, and her voice was playful again.

You'll have to figure this one out yourself. Time to finish your own fairy tale!

And then she laughed, and the laughter faded out across the water until she was gone. I stared at the waves and thought I saw a spray of water floating away across the sea. But I could have been imagining it. I stood still to think, then decided I didn't really want to think, and went back home.

A/N AND GENERAL APOLOGETICNESS: Yes, this has taken forever. For the record, in the meantime, I have finished my second semester of school, had a full-time job, helped with daycare for my four little cousins, been in two plays, finished and edited a novel, started sending out queries for agents, did NaNoWriMo again, and… You get the idea. I haven't given up on this, though. I really do love it too much to drop it like that.

Also, for the record, you may all thank InChrist-Billios for reminding me that this story was needing some TLC. She sent me really sweet little prod a bit ago and compelled me to get this chapter half-done, and then I did NaNoWriMo and got straight back to it this morning, so Billi --- THANK YOU! :D


KRM-EditorInChief: Good, I'm glad that worked! And yes, this chapter took its merry time…

AllyP: Hahahaha… Shake your peanut… Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated or looked at these comments, lol…

Audra Laudargue: You've probably forgotten this story existed again, lol… Sorry!

Gnomie022: I hurt your heart… Sorry!

jinxywinxie: Yeah, it's been a long time… Sorry! (I should probably start mimeographing apologies…)

Hunchbook: Ooh, excellent question, and I will answer it soon. Ish.

inktounge58: Thanks! And… well, keep reading.