It Must Be Felt With the Heart
IsabelleB.
Chapter 1: What's the Harm in Writing A Story
The Most Beautiful Words
In his second novel, he writes the most beautiful words about her best friend.
Unsettling Compassion. Astounding Resilience. Gallant Beauty.
He writes chapter after chapter about her, but just like in true form, it doesn't take more than a couple of words to love her. She's his golden goddess and as a writer, he goes to great lengths to highlight her importance. His energy is vibrant when she's there, and his world turns dark when she disappears. Still, it takes Dan Humphrey by complete surprise when the world resolves that this new novel is not about Serena Van Der Woodsen.
All He Can See Is Gray
In a few weeks' time, he and Blair (because they still can't cope with the idea of an 'us') are locked into a routine that the upper eastside gods themselves couldn't break. Despite his numerous obligations and a major book to write, he never misses a moment with her. She's free on Mondays when Louis' at his weekly summit meetings, available on Thursdays when Dorota returns to her apartment in Queens and open on Fridays for her "I'm-having-an-affair-so-I-made-up-a-class-on-Friday" discussion group. She's never late.
She pushes him up against the wall when she enters, pulls at the buttons on the bottom of his flannel shirt, buries her face in alcove of his neck - he thinks he might die in those moments.
As she kisses down his neck, he deliberates on how he wants to take her this time. She begs for vigor and force; she states rather quickly and with zealous that she's good at hiding the bruises.
He doesn't know if he should tell her how turned off he is by that statement.
He wants calm and peace with her; but statements like that just plague him with doubts and worries. Now, he wonders how she knows how to hide the bruises; or more specifically, why she's had practice hiding them before?
He can't.
Instead, he heeds to her moaning and whimpers; tries to imagine that he's her first.
Her first time, he thinks to himself. Her first secret; her first love.
Her first affair.
Its biggest lie he's ever told himself but he shrugs it off rather quickly. Whatever it takes to forget the other man who holds all of those titles. A man who he's not even sure has stopped inflicting those same bruises –
He fails.
As he kisses down her neck all he can think about is the added layers of makeup, a dark knight with an alcohol problem, and he grudgingly ponders about a small cut on Blair's face.
It all bothers him.
He can feel her utter disappointment as he pulls away from her softly. She looks so unhappy. Did he just make her so unhappy? She sighs and rests her head against his shoulder and without even a word, he gives in.
She can have anything she wants from him. And its feels so - wrong.
No longer can he carry with him his beliefs of black and white: there are no rights and wrongs but kind-ofs and sort-ofs; no friends and foes but associates and contacts; no soulmates and true loves but random pairings and unpredictable gambles.
He used to be a man looking for solid answers, but now his world is getting grayer by the moment.
Even with her encouraging smile and deep-seeded yearning, all he can see is gray.
He kisses her to make it go away.
It's when he starts tearing at her blouse that he suddenly looks up to find his father is watching –
Rufus Humphrey is the first person to find out about their affair –
And he is distraught.
His dad thinks it would be a good idea to surprise him with some early morning waffles. He finds out fairly quickly that it isn't.
Wanting Something More
Two hours later, he still can't get Rufus to stop talking.
You were raised better than this, he keeps saying, but Dan can't hear him over the sounds of his hypocrisy.
What happened to wanting something more, he wants to scream but it's definitely not the right time to say it. It would be an understatement to say his father looks hurt.
And well - Its not like he isn't making sense.
He's heard nothing but bad things about Blair: the yogurt in Jenny's hair; the tyranny of her high school rein; the ruined birthdays; the blatant sabotage; Jenny's banishment and now his own digestion.
His dad wants him to promise that it's over.
He never answers and instead thinks of dark brown hair and soft kisses. He'd rather choke on his own words than give her up.
And that's exactly what he does, when his father requests that he moves out of the Brooklyn loft; chokes on his words that this thing with Blair means more to him than his dad's approval. He chokes, then packs a bag; then he counts his money; then he finds himself a hotel.
His dad won't have this affair in his household, fatefully –
And Dan writes a whole chapter about how he won't have this affair at all.
His Book Can't Take That Away From Her
That's why in his second novel, he writes the most beautiful words about her best friend.
Unsettling Compassion. Astounding Resilience. Gallant Beauty.
He tried his hardest to hide the girl he really loves. This time, he wants Serena's splendor to ellipse them.
However in an astonishing turn of events – the golden girl with compassion, resilience, and beauty doesn't hold a candle to the girl who's fiercely strong, independent, and outspoken.
The brunette girl is beautiful and capable of anything, one journalist writes in his review of the novel. Despite his deepest efforts, apparently, even his book can't take that away from her –
Serena, Chuck, Nate, Louis, Jenny, Rufus and Lily - they all have chapters. But somehow, despite being mentioned only a few times, it is Blair who truly devastates the audience –
A/N: Sorry, for the long wait. The Season 5 finale killed my will to write anything! However I have two stories in the making. One is about Blair losing all of her money in Season 5 and the other is about a twisted game of Truth and Dare between between Nate, Serena, Chuck, Blair and Dan that threatens to break up Dan/Blair in Season 5. Please tell me which one you would like me to write when you review. And THANK YOU for continuing to follow this story, please review. Its the only thing that will save my inspiration in the despair that is Season 6.