X is for Xylophone

Plink plink plonk. Plink plink plonk…

Buffy gritted her teeth, trying to ignore the high pitched, tuneless noises echoing from the next room as she bent over the stove, trying to determine whether or not the ham she'd put in over an hour ago was finished yet. In the foreground of her mind was this year's disaster with the Thanksgiving turkey… she had not thawed it long enough in advance, and the middle had been frozen when she served it. Faith was never going to let her live that one down, she knew. Well Faith could just make the next holiday meal herself if had anything to say about this one- how did she always manage to get away with making the easy things anyway? Peas, cookies, cornbread- how hard was that?

Plink plonk plink. Plink plink plink…

Buffy pressed her lips together tightly, trying to ignore it even as her irritation level rose steadily, nearing the danger point.

It's Christmas, she tried to tell herself, breathing out slowly. Callie just opened her presents a few hours ago… let her have her fun. It's just one day a year…

But the thing was that AFTER this one day, Callie would still have the damn thing, and she would no doubt still want to bang on it, despite the undeniable fact that she couldn't play it.

Plink. Plinkety plink plonk…

Buffy's teeth ground together harder, and as she straightened, her temples began to feel as if they were being pressed hard against, her skull expanding outward, throbbing. She knew she was probably being overdramatic, but this was driving her insane…

Plink plink plink. Plonk…

And what could she do about it? Tell Callie that Santa had made a mistake, that the stupid thing had been sent to the wrong girl, and take it away from her? She couldn't do that…

Plink plink plonk…

That was it. No. More.

Buffy stuck her head out of the kitchen into the living room, where Callie was calmly banging away where Faith was- wonder of wonders- was sitting casually on the couch, not seeming bothered at all by the commotion- if anything, she was smirking. Which was bad enough- how the hell could she sit around like that instead of helping Buffy get ready for everyone to come over later? And then to be SMIRKING as their three-year-old daughter banged away, finally seeming to have developed an attention span for something…

"Faith…" she called out to her in a dangerously soft tone. "Come here. Now."

Faith got to her feet very slowly, and damn, she was still smiling. Buffy narrowed her eyes at her as she came towards her altogether too casually, still smiling that infuriating smile. Grabbing her by the wrist, she led her the rest of the way into the kitchen, all too aware of the steady plinking behind them. In her own mind it only seemed to be increasing in volume and intensity.

Faith let herself to be led along willingly enough, probably knowing better than to try and protest. The moment they were out of Callie's sight and Buffy was reasonably sure the preschooler couldn't hear them over her racket she was creating, she gave Faith a full out glare, dropping her wrist quickly.

"Faith…why the HELL would you give her that thing?!"

"I thought she'd like it," Faith said in all innocence, barely able to suppress a wicked grin. "Looks like I was right… she's been playing the thing for an hour now…"

"No, see Faith, that's where you're wrong," Buffy said tautly, staring her directly in the eyes so she could see just how pissed she was. "She's not playing it. PLAYING implies that she has some kind of musical knowledge and is producing something resembling a song, or that at the very least consist of a beat of some kind. What Callie is doing is making headache-inducing NOISE."

"Oh…same difference to me," Faith shrugged. "You know I'm tone deaf…"

"Maybe this isn't clear the way I'm saying it now," Buffy said slowly, her hands going to her hips as she exhaled, still feeling the irritation-induced headache at her temples, which seemed to be increasing. "Let me lay it out for you…if you ever get her a musical instrument while she's still living in our home, you will be deeply sorry. Is that more clear to you?"

Faith sighed, rolling her eyes, and Buffy wanted to kill her when she saw that she was still smirking.

"Oh come on, B… it's just a xylophone. Not a piano or guitar… I almost got her a guitar, actually. Would have been cooler, but I figured she's still so little, it would hurt her fingers since she doesn't have any calluses yet-"

"FAITH," Buffy interrupted, and the deadliness of her tone and expression stopped Faith in her tracks this time. "If this child is given another musical instrument from you before age eighteen, you will not be getting any sex for one WHOLE week."

Faith's features froze, and she stared at her in utter shock and horror, her eyes wide.

"You WOULDN'T…"

"Oh, I so would," Buffy retorted darkly, getting some grim pleasure from the aghast, almost terrified expression on her lover's face. "You know I would... and if I was pissed enough…a whole MONTH."

"But your birthday's in January!" Faith exclaimed, staring at her in disbelief. "You'd do that on your BIRTHDAY?!"

"YES," Buffy said evenly, still looking hard into her eyes. "YES. So got it, Faith, no more bangable migraine causing 'musical instuments' until she's old enough to drink and vote and make her own band somewhere, safely away from me."

"Yeah…whatever," Faith muttered, but the way her eyes flitted away, and the guilty glint she had seen in them, instantly made Buffy suspicious.

"Faith…are you lying to me? Let me see your fingers- are you crossing them?!"

"No," Faith said quickly, waving her hands in front of herself, but the guilt in her eyes was unmistakable now. "But you should have told me all this before today…'cause I kinda think Xander got Callie drums…"

Buffy's mouth dropped open in pure horror.