LIVING IN TWO WORLDS
17. Culinary Arts
In some unknown area
"Dante...Dante...you there? Dante!? Respond, Dante! Son of a bitch...is this thing even on?"
"Dude, you're screaming so loudly. Let a pro handle this. I'll wake him up."
…
"DANTE, WAKE UP!"
…
No response. None at all.
"Alright..we need to find him. Let's go, Wade."
"Right behind you, Tony! Let me grab my suitcase!"
"Wade..this isn't a field trip."
"That's what YOU think buddy-boy! Mwahahaha!"
*click*
The scene was like something out of a nightmare. A car that had totally flipped and landed on its back like a downed turtle...trees in the distance that were split in half with smoke coming from the crown...numerous cars on the side of the road that were totaled and beyond repair...it was devastating.
The area looked like a wasteland. The wheels on the car were still spinning, but there were only three wheels. The fourth one was nowhere to be found and as time progressed, a figure pulled itself from under the wrecked automobile.
It was Dante. And he was shirtless with two slashes as scars across his chest.
As he crawled and moaned, he squinted as the bright sun blinded him. His eyes were bloodshot and his head was ringing like he had been knocked out in a boxing match. As he held up his hand to protect his eyes from the sun, he stood up in the middle of the street and stared at the wreckage behind him. His pants and boots were dusty and scuffed, and his hair was a complete mess.
Dante: Man...what the hell happened?
Dante limped down the road and looked at the sign to his right.
"You are currently in the middle of nowhere."
Dante's eyes narrowed as he finished reading the sign.
Dante: Asshole.
After Dante dusted himself off and tidied up a bit, another figure crawled from under the car and began to choke on the dusty air. It was Chris Redfield.
Chris: Dante...Dante...oh my sweet baby Jesus. I can't feel my testicles.
Dante: Chris!
Dante rushed over to Chris and pulled him from under the car. As the two regained their composure over the next couple of minutes, they sat on the side of the road and began to discuss what they remembered before the disaster.
Chris: The last thing I remember was when we were all at the hotel. After you guys called Jill and I, we joined you all and we stopped at the hotel not too far from our house. It was you, X-23, Spider-Man, Felicia, Ryu, Chun-Li, Jill, and I. Remember?
Dante: I remember Akuma, but that's it. I'm guessing we didn't make it to Vegas, huh?
Chris: Not even remotely close.
Dante: Crap.
Chris: Geez. I guess you took it the worst. After we left the car dealership, we got a hotel not too far away because it was getting late. Your brother invited us there for free rooms.
Dante: VERGIL!?
Chris: Yeah. He was the one that got us the rooms for free. He was the one that brought those drinks..
Dante: What drinks?
Chris: I dunno. They were purple! And they were really foamy. Delicious. Tasted like Ryu's lemonade. Yours was white and serious-looking though.
Dante: You're joking.
Chris: No. Why?
Dante: That was Vergil's Holy Water. Atleast, that's what he calls it. That crap is strong enough to kill a demon with just a slight sprinkle. It also gives the wielder an aura that prevents demons from attacking you...a shield of sorts. I can tolerate a ton of drinks, but Vergil knows we can't handle that stuff. I should have known better. What was I thinking?
Chris: You were only thinking about one thing, Dante; and that was getting into X-23's pants.
Dante: …
…
Dante: Did I?
Chris: Close, but no cigar.
Dante: I'm going to murder Vergil.
Chris: Tell him to share his recipe! Haha.
Dante: Come on. Let's go find the others.
Chris: Let's do it.
The two stood and began to stride down the long road in the middle of nowhere. The area was like a flat prairie...with windmills and such in the distance. But it was covered with splotches of sand and dirt trails that really made the air gritty and dirty. Tumbleweed rolled in front of the two as they jogged, and they barely paid it any attention.
Vergil knew the effects his drinks would have on his brother...but why would he try to sabotage Dante in such a way? What was Vergil up to? These were the main questions Dante had in his mind, and he was going to get answers.
AT THE MVC3 HOUSE
Deadpool: Iron Man! Come on! Let's go find Dante! What are you doing?
Iron Man was too busy watching a model's photoshoot on TV. It was Cammy White, and her legs hypnotized the billionaire Tony Stark.
Iron Man: Sweet biscuits and gravy! The things I would do to that-
Morrigan glared at Iron Man as she sat across from him on the couch.
Morrigan: Hmph.
Iron Man: What are you "hmph'ing" for? That right there, is perfection.
Iron Man began to salivate as the remote slid from his hands. Morrigan promptly grabbed it and switched to the complete opposite channel; a photoshoot for male models. However, the figure on the television was very much familiar.
Iron Man: That is just sick. I completely lost my boner and now I'm going to vomit.
Morrigan: Oh wow...
Deadpool: Is that Wesker!?
It was indeed the madman known as Albert Wesker. A couple of months before the auditioning of Marvel vs. Capcom 3, Wesker did a photoshoot after his role in Resident Evil 5. Wesker wore a white robe and blew bubbles from a pipe-cigar as he sat in a lounge-chair with his legs crossed. The photoshoot had some slow, jazzy music in the background and Wesker spoke in the most seductive way possible.
"Would you like to come over and experience...complete...global...SATURATION!?"
Morrigan's jaw dropped.
Deadpool: Woah. Wesker is hot!
Iron Man gagged.
The Hulk, Thor, and Captain America walked into the living room and sat on the giant couch as well. Captain America had a raw steak over his right eye in an effort to soothe the swelling after Mike Haggar's vicious beatdown the day before. Thor was absolutely confused.
Thor: Isn't that Wesker?
Iron Man: Don't look at me. That witch changed the channel.
Morrigan: Iron Man is just mad that Wesker is hotter than him.
Iron Man: So not true. And besides, who cares what you think? You have no taste.
Deadpool: You two should just make-out already.
Morrigan: Iron Man isn't man enough. Actually, he should be called Iron Boy.
Hulk: Ooooooo. Tony, you gonna let her rip on you like that? Hulk laughs at your expression!
Iron Man stood up and walked over to where Morrigan sat. He adopted a calm expression on his face, but inside was a different story. There was about to be a violent conflict in the living room. Again.
Deadpool: Oh snap! There's about to be a rumble up in here! And I thought we had all had enough of fighting after getting our asses handed to us by the roided albino gorilla known as Mike Haggar!
Captain America: Amen.
Thor: Why is Wesker still on TV? I would like to watch the golf channel.
Captain America: Golf? That's boring.
Thor: You're one to talk.
Captain America sighed as he slouched on the couch.
Deadpool looked at the camera.
Deadpool: Hey, that was a rhyme!
Masterman: Shut up, Deadpool!
Iron Man clenched his fists as began to gyrate in front of Morrigan. Morrigan crossed her legs and folded her arms in defiance. She gave a mean scowl and snorted as Iron Man began to breathe heavily.
Iron Man: The ONLY reason I haven't bothered to touch you is because I'm afraid I'll die!
Morrigan: You didn't have such doubts the first time.
Iron Man: I was naive!
Morrigan: What's the problem with that?
Iron Man: I repeat, I'M AFRAID I'LL DIE. I thought succubi were nothing but superstition until I did my research on you.
Morrigan: Oh..so you researched me, huh? Looked at my record and who all of my victims were?
Iron Man: Yes. When you have a grudge against someone, you display these signs of aggression and sarcasm. Just like what you're doing to me! You kill those you have a grudge against!
Morrigan: That is SO not true!
Thor: How do I turn the television?
Captain America: Where's the remote?
Deadpool: Morrigan has it! She probably hid it between her-
Morrigan: -Deadpool, quiet.
Deadpool: Yes ma'am.
Thor: Gah! This is-
Just then, all of a sudden...the front door flew open and a dark figure walked in slowly. The Hulk nearly jumped through the ceiling due to the abruptness, but quickly regained his composure as he saw who the figure was. Thor stood up and clenched his fists.
It was his brother, Loki.
Loki wore a green tunic with black top-hat on his head and black boots on his feet. His pants were a lighter green but they were loose almost like sweatpants. His mischievous smile was unlike any other and he hurriedly rushed toward Thor to give him a hug.
Loki: I finally found you brother!
Thor was disgusted. As Loki ran toward him, Thor punched him through the nearby wall without effort.
Iron Man: Dammit Thor! Now I have to fix that wall!
Loki was heartbroken.
Loki: Brother..why do you hurt me so?
Thor: What in the name of Asgard brings you here?
Loki: I thought you'd at least show some proper hospitality, brother.
Loki looked over at the Hulk and Iron Man.
Loki: Tony. Bruce. Steve. Wade.
Deadpool: 'Sup, Loki?
Captain America: How are you, Loki?
Loki: Never been better. Actually...I have some friends to introduce you guys to.
Iron Man: Friends?
Hulk: That doesn't sound good.
Loki clapped his hands and Capcom Employee Ninjas rushed into the house almost instantaneously. There were about five of them, and each one carried a camera with some type of audio recording hardware in their hands. They surrounded the group in the living room, and Captain America quickly tried to hide his steak and his black eye.
Captain America: What is this!?
Loki: I'm making a movie! I thought that there wouldn't be a better place to find such a colorful cast of individuals..so here I am! I want you guys to act natural...like we're not even here! We want to capture you in your natural environment! Dormammu has told me so much about your misadventures!
Hulk: Welp, Dormammu is definitely going to die.
Iron Man: Indeed.
Super-Skrull and Doctor Doom walked in on all of the cameras and the ninjas turned toward them.
Super-Skrull covered his face to hide all of the bruises and Doctor Doom walked over to Deadpool just to slap him.
Doctor Doom: Wade, how many times do I have to tell you?! I DON'T LIKE RUBBER DUCKS IN MY FREAKING BATH.
Deadpool: His name is Jeff and he has a heart too!
Doctor Doom: It's an inanimate object!
Deadpool: YOU'RE AN INANIMATE OBJECT!
Loki: This is gold. Make sure you guys get all of this.
The ninjas nodded.
Thor: Loki, you need to leave for your own good.
Loki: Not a chance, Thor.
Thor: I...
Loki: If I were you, I'd hush. You lay one more hand on me and I'll contact Yoshinori Ono. We signed a contract stating that I could stay here as long as I needed to just so long as I finish my movie!
Thor: By Asgard!
Hulk: HULK IS SAD.
Doctor Doom slapped Deadpool again.
Doctor Doom: If you EVER attempt to ruin my bathing again, I will mangle you until you-
Deadpool: -you'll have to catch me first!
Deadpool threw down a smoke bomb that exploded and launched him through the window.
Deadpool: MY INTESTINES!
Doctor Doom: What a fool. I cannot stand that piece of filth!
Captain America: You're not much of a saint yourself, Victor.
Doctor Doom: Oh shut up, Captain Generic. Go fuck yourself.
Captain America: Woah.
Morrigan: Doctor Doom is one angry customer.
Iron Man: Damn, Steve. He owned you.
Captain America was quiet as he slumped in the couch once again.
Viewtiful Joe, Amaterasu, Trish, Phoenix, Storm, Zero, Taskmaster, Arthur, and Wolverine all walked in at that point.
Wolverine: Yo, Hulk..we're out of eggs. I was plannin' on makin' some scrambled eggs with my pancakes.
Arthur: And I was planning on watching the scrambling!
Viewtiful Joe: Can I try some?
Wolverine: Sure thing, kid. I make the best bacon in town...I truly am the best at what I do 'specially cooking. My waffles are what made Deadpool go insane.
Viewtiful Joe: Really?
Wolverine: Yeah, kid. Take notes next time you see me in the kitchen!
Hulk: Uh, about the eggs. Christopher Redfield ate them all. All 36 of them. Raw. In one sitting. Hulk was bamboozled.
Iron Man: Holy shit.
Wolverine: That guy has an egg fetish I swear. Unbelievable.
Loki: Where is this...Christopher Redfield?
Iron Man: Oh crap. I totally forgot! Deadpool, you ready to go?
…
Iron Man: Deadpool?
Doctor Doom: He's outside. Probably unconscious. Hopefully unconscious.
Iron Man strolled outside to look for Deadpool but as he did, Loki turned to Thor and showed him a magazine.
Loki: I almost forgot...check this out.
Thor grabbed the magazine and looked at it. He read the descriptions on every page, but after a certain sentence and picture...he dropped the magazine in complete and utter terror.
Loki: Like what you see?
Thor: By Odin's beard...this...is not possible...
Wolverine: What is it?
Hulk: What did you see?
Thor: That's...that cannot be right...
Viewtiful Joe picked up the magazine and read it.
Viewtiful Joe: Woah...Thor's a chick! A hot chick!
(This is actually true stuff. Thor actually is a woman now in the comic book series, look it up).
The Hulk nearly passed out on the spot.
Wolverine: Let me see that!
…
Wolverine: Woah.
Arthur: Why is everyone saying, "Woah"? Is that the new thing for young people these days?
Morrigan: Woah, Arthur. Calm down.
Arthur glared at Morrigan.
Wolverine's eyes nearly fell out of his head as he completely froze in place after looking at the magazine. Super Skrull looked over Wolverine and saw the image too, but Super Skrull was perplexed.
Super Skull: But..how is that possible when Thor's in front of us?
Phoenix: Thor...I'm jealous!
Storm: You are quite the pretty lady, Thor. I'm jealous too.
Trish: That makes three of us!
Wolverine: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Thor, what happened to you amigo?
Thor: This is...this is...
Super Skrull: Uh oh. Can you imagine Thor on his..I mean...HER, period?
Wolverine died laughing.
Phoenix: Can't be much worse than mine, right Logan?
Wolverine quickly stopped laughing and grunted in pain. This time, The Hulk was the one laughing as he recovered from his near-faint experience.
Iron Man had to do a double-take before he walked out of the door.
Iron Man: I would totally bang you, Thor.
Thor: BANG!?
Wolverine and The Hulk began to cry from laughing so hard.
Trish: What are all of these cameras for?
Loki: I'm making a movie!
Phoenix: About?
Viewtiful Joe: Thor's transformation into a woman?
Wolverine and The Hulk began to wheeze and choke.
Doctor Doom: HA! Someone pass Logan a respirator. Didn't you need one last night, Captain America?
Captain America: Now listen here, Victor. I've had enough of your insults!
Doctor Doom: Oh really? What are you going to do, teach me about the history of the United States?
Captain America: I'll make YOU history.
Super Skrull: Ooooo. He got you there, Victor.
Doctor Doom: I would like to see you try, you boring piece of-
Just then...another figure burst through the wall..but this was no ordinary figure. It was Spencer. But something was wrong with the Bionic Commando. He twitched in place as he stood in the middle of the living room.
Iron Man: Great, now I have to fix that wall too.
Spencer: I...come...bearing...bad news...
Storm: Did you forget your deodorant again?
Hulk roared with laughter.
Hulk: The last time he did that, his armpit hair melted due to the stench. Hulk was flabbergasted!
Super Skrull: Hulk, you always expand my vocabulary each day.
Trish: Spit it out, Spencer!
Spencer: I...spoke...with...Ono...today...
Zero: Uh oh. What did he say?
Taskmaster: He's probably on his way to come and staple our toes to our foreheads and make us watch Teletubbies or some kinda freaky shit!
Spencer: He...told...me...that...we...have to get...groceries...from...the grocery store...
Morrigan: That's it?
Spencer: He gave me a list...and...we have to cook tonight...
Iron Man: Cook what...exactly?
Spencer: We all...have...to make...meatloaf...
Spencer fainted like a wild Pokemon that lost all of its HP.
Taskmaster: Oh. Shit.
Viewtiful Joe: We're working together?
Loki: No...it's a competition.
Thor was confused. He looked around at everyone and then turned to Loki.
Thor: So that's why you're here...you're a-
Morrigan: -a spy! You're a spy!
Loki: Hey hey hey, this is just what he told me to do! He's going to watch you guys from the cameras that these ninjas have. Basically, it's a competition to see who can make the best meatloaf. But also, there will be a HUGE punishment to whoever makes the WORST meatloaf. So, you have to go to the grocery store...get your ingredients...and have a cook-off.
Super Skrull: If only Ryu were here...
Trish: He'd definitely be the loser. Speaking of Ryu, where are they exactly?
Iron Man: We're about to go find out. Let's go, Deadpool.
Deadpool walked into the house with tattered clothes and half of his mask missing.
Deadpool: Let's do this! I've got my travel socks, my neckties, my-
Iron Man: -Wade. Let's go.
Iron Man grabbed Deadpool and launched high into the sky with Iron Man's propulsion systems.
Loki: I'd hurry if I were you guys. I have to document this entire thing, so make sure it's funny..okay?
Wesker, Magneto, Dormammu, and She-Hulk were already at the grocery store getting a head start and buying all of the good ingredients. As Loki told the cast of this, they hurriedly began to race to their vehicles.
Viewtiful Joe: Wait..what about Dante and the rest of them?
Loki: Oh, Dante. Ono told me about him. He said something about a guy named Vergil and how he took care of Dante or something like that. Capcom workers were aiming to kill Dante and replace him with a new version, so they hired his brother.
Morrigan: Wait...what?
Loki: Yeah. They were talking about killing Dante and replacing him with a skinnier, black-haired version.
Trish: Dante can't be dead...
Loki: Oh no. He's not dead.
Loki looked at the camera like Deadpool did before.
Loki: Trust me...the fans would flip.
Wolverine raced to the Hummer in the garage. He cranked it furiously and went in reverse, carelessly knocking over the mailbox on the front lawn. He sped down the driveway and into the road, knocking over the neighbors' mailbox as well. Viewtiful Joe sat in the passenger seat and Arthur sat in the back with Amaterasu.
Amaterasu: (Do you know how to cook, Sir Arthur?)
Arthur had a solemn look on his face as he sighed and looked out the window.
Arthur: 'Tis a terrible day, sun goddess. I'm afraid I have equal cooking skill to a stationary piece of tissue paper. The last time I was forced to cook, was when my knight recruits and I made camp one night during our travels. We made a fire, and I caught several critters and "barbecued" (Arthur did the air-quotes as he said this) them over the fire! I thought I had crafted a gourmet meal! The recruits stared at me and giggled...they said that I should stick to being a knight and not a chef!
Amaterasu: (Poor Arthur...)
Viewtiful Joe burst out laughing at Amaterasu's response. Wolverine smirked as he looked in the rearview.
Wolverine: You look depressed, scruffy-beard. I'm sure you'll be fine once you taste some of my meatloaf. I'm fer sure winnin' this thing. Ain't no way anyone can beat me in cookin'.
Viewtiful Joe: Don't sweat it, Arthur.
Wolverine: Yeah don't worry, bub. I got your back. I'll help you out since you're cool with me. I wouldn't want to see you lose. Now Deadpool on the other hand...or someone like Taskmaster...that's another story.
Arthur: I would be most grateful if you taught me, Wolverine!
The Grocery Store, Capcom-Mart
The grocery store was a huge expanse. With 30 total aisles, a huge vegetable section, a massive fruit selection, and numerous areas were sales and discounts were going on, it was easy to get lost in this giant supermarket. There were 10 check-out aisles, and the cashier at each one varied.
One cashier was El Fuerte, the latino wrestler that got fired from IHOP. Another cashier was Adon, the Jaguar King who got into huge trouble with Sagat the last time they were partnered for work. The cashier at the very end was none other than Mr. Laconic himself, Akuma.
Akuma had many jobs. Every boss liked Akuma.
Wolverine eyed every aisle and quickly ran down the aisle with the spices. That was his strategy; buy all of the little things first once they were fresh in memory so he can focus on the big things last.
Viewtiful Joe and Arthur were confused. They had no idea what to do.
Viewtiful Joe: Uh...I guess I need...cheese?
Arthur: I'll get...well..do they still make butter?
Wesker could be seen in the distance pushing his shopping-buggy at extreme speeds trying to get away from Magneto.
Magneto: You lousy cretin! Come back with my Cheeze-Its, damn you!
Wesker: NEVER!
Wesker made a sharp turn on aisle 6, but tripped over a rogue box of Fruit Loops. Wesker lost control of his shopping cart and wrecked, knocking over jars of peanut butter and jelly. Magneto levitated past him and laughed his ass off.
Taskmaster grabbed as many jars of mayonnaise as he could. He carefully placed them in his shopping-cart but as he turned around, he encountered Ghost Rider on his motorcycle who appeared out of nowhere.
Ghost Rider: I need to have a word with you, Taskmaster. You still haven't returned my DVD set of The Walking Dead.
Taskmaster's face was that of pure horror. He whipped his shopping-cart around and did a complete U-turn in slow-motion as Ghost Rider revved up his bike. Taskmaster dashed down the aisle and threw jars of pickles at Ghost Rider but Ghost Rider wasn't affected.
Ghost Rider: Pickles? Really now? You're going to have to do better than-
Ghost Rider immediately got smacked in the face by a giant salami wiener.
Ghost Rider: -that...
Taskmaster laughed as he managed to escape from Ghost Rider, but he bumped into The Hulk and She-Hulk as they were making suggestions to each other about the healthiest vegetables.
Hulk: I think I may get some cabbage..and broccoli.
She-Hulk: Carrots are good too.
Hulk: Yes...but we also need some fiber, don't you think?
She-Hulk: Oh yeah, definitely. You're so smart, cousin!
Hulk: Aww, shucks Jen..you're pretty knowledgeable too! But tell me more compliments...Hulk like compliments!
Taskmaster: Beep beep! Out of the way, assholes! I have a psycho flaming-skull guy after me on a motorcycle and you guys are talking about fucking fiber? Give me a break!
Hulk: Taskmaster, would it kill you to be a little less vulgar?
She-Hulk: Yeah, show some decency! You'll never get a woman with that kind of mouth.
Taskmaster: Oh for fuc-
The giant salami returned and this time, Taskmaster was on the receiving end of its fury.
Ghost Rider: Don't worry, Bruce. I'll shut this guy up!
Hulk: Johnny! Go easy on him, will ya? He's still just a kid at heart.
Ghost Rider: All the more reason to beat his ass.
She-Hulk: Welp...have fun!
The two left Taskmaster to his punishment as he tried to plead with the spirit of vengeance. The last thing that could be seen of Taskmaster was him being pulled by a chain as his fingernails dug deep into the floor, creating long scratch marks.
Dormammu had a bunch of peaches in his shopping cart, along with milk, ground beef, and a new whisk.
Dormammu: Hmm...I need eggs. And some ketchup for sure. Cooking oil as well. Ah, I remember the days when I thought I was going to culinary school...those were the days. But then I realized I was the almighty Dormammu! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Zero looked down the aisle and noticed Dormammu talking to himself. Zero shook his head.
Dormmmu looked over at the meat section and saw Arthur struggling to pick his groceries. Arthur looked at the prices of the meats and was outraged.
Arthur: Woah! 15 money for these...these...twigs?!
Arthur held up the pack of bacon into the light and stared at it.
Arthur: This is robbery!
Dormammu: Having some trouble, Arthur?
Arthur: This is ludicrous! Who buys such expensive goods? This couldn't feed a newborn toddler, much less matured individuals!
Dormammu: That's the way of the world, Arthur. Why charge less, when you can charge more for necessary items? It's a shame, but we can't live without it. Well, some of us.
Arthur: Incredible! What's the cheapest alternative?
Dormammu: There are none.
Arthur: Drat!
Trish and Phoenix were too busy buying items like chips and drinks to even think about the main course. Zero was observing the cookie section, and couldn't decide between Oreos and Chips Ahoy.
Zero: What's the difference?
A Capcom-Mart Employee, named Claire Redfield, tried to help Zero with his inquiries.
Claire: Well, Oreos are a fan-favorite. They're chocolate, but they also have a cream filling in the middle like a sandwich. Chips Ahoy are your standard cookie, no more and no less. They're crispy and are my personal favorite. You can get them chewy, or crunchy. Your choice.
Zero: Hmm...
…
Zero: I want both.
Claire smiled and continued to chat with Zero about his new-found obsession of cookies.
Doctor Doom was stuck down aisle 17 because a bunch of elderly people blocked his way. The elders all rode on electric wheelchairs, and they moved so slowly. Doctor Doom sighed as he silently cursed to himself. The elders would not make room for him, and slowly Doctor Doom lost his patience.
Doctor Doom: OUT OF THE WAY, GRANDPEOPLE!
The elders didn't notice the green metal-man shaking his fist at them.
Doctor Doom pulled out his plasma-gun and aimed it for the nearest elderly man, but Super Skrull stopped him.
Super Skrull: What the hell are you thinking?
Doctor Doom: A little stimulation to get this old man to move out of my way!
Super Skrull: Why don't you just go down another aisle?
Doctor Doom: Because I need those canned fruit! They are right there, but they are blocking the way!
Super Skrull: Have you tried asking them nicely?
Doctor Doom: My gun is the nicest method I have.
Super Skrull sighed.
Captain America had a bag full of apples and threw them over his shoulder as he smiled. He whistled an old classical song to himself as he pranced around the fruit section. He began to do a little dance, and a little girl pulled out her phone to record him. Captain America tossed an apple in the air, spun around, and caught it while doing a Michael Jackson-esque pose. He grabbed his crotch and thrusted it three times to the right, then three times to the left. He slid on his knees and slid right into a table of bananas. The bananas all fell on top of him, and Claire Redfield was called to go see what was happening.
Thor was too busy looking at yogurt to pay Captain America any attention.
Wesker and Magneto were still fighting and as soon as Magneto was distracted, Wesker rammed his shopping cart into him. Magneto fell to the floor, but quickly slid a pack of bologna under Wesker's feet which caused him to slip and hit the floor hard.
Wesker: What is this, Wesker's Pratfall Day?
Magneto: No, but it's about to be Wesker's Cheesy Conundrum!
Magneto had a giant can of spray cheese pointed at Wesker's face, and Wesker quickly waved a white flag as if surrendering. Magneto howled with laughter but immediately stopped as a crazed Taskmaster ran into him.
Taskmaster: Ghost Rider...he's...HE'S GOT HOT SAUCE.
Magneto: What the...?
Wesker quickly recovered, snorted at Magneto, and made a dash to escape, but he got tackled by Claire Redfield.
Claire: You asshole! You had me worried sick about my brother! Damn you!
She began to pelt Wesker with a flurry of punches and soon Adon had to come and restrain her. Taskmaster jumped over the chaos, but Ghost Rider caught him around his neck with his chain. Taskmaster choked and couldn't breathe, but he kept moving forward and eventually pulled Ghost Rider off of his bike. Ghost Rider's bottle of hot sauce went flying into the air and eventually the bottle landed conveniently in an unaware Magneto's mouth like a pacifier. Magneto sucked on the bottle and spit it out while burping, just like a toddler. He smiled and yawned on the floor.
Ghost Rider: Sweet hellfire. It didn't even affect him.
Taskmaster: HA! Your hot sauce was a dud!
Magneto began to float in midair, and it wasn't his own doing. His body began to glow red as his face was as wrinkled as a prune. His eyes watered and his mouth opened as if saying, "Help me."
Magneto's face began to twist in pain as he sprinted around in circles. He yelled at the top of his lungs as he rolled around on the floor, and eventually his cape began to disintegrate like the fuse to a bomb. As his cape fully disappeared, he shot like a rocket down the aisle and slammed into Taskmaster, launching them both toward Captain America's vicinity. Captain America had just escaped the bullying of the bananas and got crashed into by Magneto and Taskmaster.
Doctor Doom and Super Skrull were both running in the opposite direction, getting chased by elderly people who were speeding at over 45mph in their electric wheelchairs.
Viewtiful Joe, Arthur, and Dormammu found what they were looking for and were in Akuma's check-out lane, watching all of the carnage. Trish, Phoenix, She-Hulk, and The Hulk were in El Fuerte's lane.
El Fuerte: Jalapenos almighty! They're going to get banned from the store!
Hulk: That's probably for the best honestly.
Trish: Yeah. We can't go anywhere without something like this happening.
Wesker and Claire were both arguing as they were led by Adon to his check-out lane.
Adon: Holy mother of jaguars, do you two ever shut up?
Claire: He tried to kill my brother, Adon.
Wesker: Her brother wanted to foil my UROBOROS plan, Adon.
Whenever Wesker said "Uroboros", he always had to put so much emphasis into it. His face would scrunch up and everything.
Adon: Both of you are crazy jaguars!
Wesker: Why jaguars?
Adon: Best animals in the wild. Strong and quick. Inspirational!
Claire: This isn't over, Wesker.
Wesker: Ah yes, how many times have people told me that...
Claire: I'm serious. Next time I see you...I'll saw off every last piece of you...
Wesker eyed the fiery redhead and nodded. He was almost a bit terrified of her.
Wesker: You and Chris have nothing in common.
Thor, Zero, Amaterasu, and Wolverine were the last ones to enter the check-out lane and as they did so, Ghost Rider passed by on his motorcyle.
Ghost Rider: I'll come by later. I'm one of the judges in this meatloaf contest, so I look forward to trying ya'lls food. I'll be in touch.
Amaterasu: (Who are the other judges, lost spirit?)
For some reason, Amaterasu and Ghost Rider had a connection. Ghost Rider could understand the sun goddess' words easily, and her aura resonated with his.
Ghost Rider: Sun goddess! Do you remember me?
Amaterasu: (I do. You're the one that came to me for advice. How does the trouble with Blackheart and Mephisto fare?)
Ghost Rider: Same as always. The contract remains..and I am still the spirit of vengeance. I should have never made that deal.
Amaterasu: (Your selfless actions were noble, Johnny. Do not regret your decision. You sacrificed yourself to save the one you cared about. Your reward will be limitless in due time. You just have to be patient and keep pushing forward.)
Ghost Rider: Yeah..I guess you're right. Still, I always think about how my life would have been if I never became the Ghost Rider...
Amaterasu: (A lot of people would have died, and crime would have been rampant without you. Do not curse the past, Johnny. Be blessed for today.)
Ghost Rider: Thank you, Amaterasu. I needed that. But to answer your question, I am a judge along with Frank West, Hawkeye, Rocket Raccoon, and Firebrand.
Wolverine: Rocket Raccoon? Oh hell.
Amaterasu: (Who's that?)
Wolverine: You'll see. And you'll be amazed.
Zero: Firebrand? Isn't that Arthur's friend?
Ghost Rider: Firebrand talks about Sir Arthur all the time. They used to be poker champions or something like that, but they hated each other's guts when they first met.
Wolverine: I imagine all hell is gonna break loose at this cook-off. You know Loki is here?
Ghost Rider: Seriously? Thor, how do you feel about that?
Thor was quiet as he held the bag full of yogurt in his hand. He had his mallet in the other hand, and he stared into the distance, with blank eyes.
Wolverine: Loki told him that he is a woman now.
Ghost Rider could not help but laugh.
Ghost Rider: You saw the magazine too?
Thor didn't say a word.
Ghost Rider: Well I'll leave you to your mourning, Thor. But anyway, I need to get out of here. I'll see you guys at the cook-off...I look forward to it.
Wolverine: Later, Johnny.
Amaterasu: (Goodbye, Johnny Blaze.)
Zero: Later.
Ghost Rider nodded and popped a wheelie as he zoomed through the automatic doors and down the parking lot.
Akuma was bagging groceries as he typed up the total price for Arthur's groceries.
Akuma: Hmph.
Arthur: What?
Akuma: Hmph.
Arthur: I do not understand.
Akuma: …
Arthur: …
Akuma: MESSATSU!
Arthur: Ah! Yes! Money!
Akuma: Hmph.
Arthur: Wait..how much did you say?
Akuma: DIE 1000 DEATHS!
Arthur: Me?
Akuma: MESSATSU!
Arthur: Yes, money! HOW MUCH DO I PAY?!
Akuma: Hmph.
Arthur: …
…
Arthur: Hmph?
Akuma: 35 dollars.
Viewtiful Joe: I don't get it...
Arthur: 35 dollars? Surely you jest! I bought this...bacon...a gallon of dairy liquid and a carton of eggs! There's no way that's possible!
Akuma: Hmph.
Arthur: Oh yes! HMPH!
Akuma: The eggs are so expensive because the supervisor made them so. The one amongst you known as Chris Redfield always buys a ton. So he raised prices. You have a problem, go kill him. Then, I won't have to work here anymore.
Arthur: Hmph?
Akuma: I only work here because he promises to find me strong warriors to murder.
Arthur: Hmph?
Akuma: That is all I will say for today. Come again.
Arthur: Hmph, money?
Akuma: No charge.
Arthur: Woah! Yay!
Dormmamu was dumbfounded.
Viewtiful Joe: Arthur...you keep saying, "Woah", now.
Arthur: I apologize, friend! It is an addiction that I cannot escape now!
Magneto, Taskmaster, Captain America, Doctor Doom, and Super Skrull all lie in the distance, with old people approaching them with canes in their hands.
Back at the house, Loki and the Capcom Employee Ninjas set up the tables outside so that the competition could start as soon as they got home. Loki set up the cameras, and Storm made it so that the weather was perfect. It was going to be a great competition, and everyone was on edge. Except for Spencer...he was still passed out on the floor.
In the skies
Iron Man: Alright Deadpool, put those binoculars to good use. We have to find them, quick. I don't know if Ono signed us up for the competition but if he did, we don't have much time. Let's just make sure they're okay, alright?
…
Iron Man: Deadpool?
Iron Man twisted his head to the left to see Deadpool sound asleep in his arms with one thumb in his mouth, sucking it...which is impossible considering he's wearing a mask.
Hmm...now I'm second-guessing my writing techniques.
Do I contradict myself this much during these chapters?
Now I'm hesitant to continue...
Deadpool woke up.
Deadpool: Quit being a baby, Masterman! It already takes you months to update anyway!
Masterman: Go back to sleep, Deadpool.
Deadpool went back to sleep because I said so.
Anyway, as Iron Man began to get a little sleepy himself, he noticed someone following him closely from behind. It was Morrigan.
Iron Man: What are you doing?
Morrigan: Following you, what else? If anything happened, we couldn't rely on Deadpool to relay a message back to us.
Iron Man: True. Worried about me?
Morrigan: Not you. Ryu, Chun-Li, Dante, Chris, Felicia, and the rest? Yeah.
Iron Man: Who is this Vergil guy?
Morrigan: Dante's brother. I met him in the Infernal Village once. He's a real smug piece of work. Uptight and too high-strung. Those two brothers are polar opposites.
Iron Man: Sounds like a real winner at parties.
Morrigan: I know. I can't even really tell if he cares for Dante or not.
Iron Man: I think he does. From what Loki was saying earlier..I think he might have been protecting Dante.
Morrigan: What do you mean?
Iron Man: He drugged Dante with one of his most potent drinks, but he didn't hit the others that were with Dante nearly as hard. Loki was saying that that drink can kill demons with just a single drop. And then you heard him when he was talking about how some of Capcom wanted to kill Dante. I think Vergil used it to kill some of those demons or atleast keep them off of Dante since it gives the recipient some type of aura, like..it was the only way to do it without causing major damage to the surrounding area.
Morrigan: Makes sense.
Iron Man: Just something I deduced from thinking about it.
Morrigan: Well, only one way to find out then. I do hope they're alright.
Iron Man: Me too. You know, it's crazy how I've come to be fond of you guys. You know, the Capcom universe.
Morrigan: We've been together for a long time. Ever since Marvel vs. Capcom 1 right? But you Marvel guys aren't so bad yourselves.
Iron Man: Marvel is still better than Capcom though...
Morrigan: Don't milk it, Tony.
Iron Man: But anyway, thanks for coming. I appreciate it.
Morrigan: No biggie. I didn't do it for you though, just remember that.
Iron Man: Of course, Morrigan. Of course.
In Metro City
"I guess it's finally time for me to take my stand. I've got my speech ready...and I know my competition well. Doctor Strange...Shuma-Gorath...I think I've got this."
Mike Haggar sat in his chair on the stage in front of about 8,000 people. The scene was downtown Metro City, and crowds of people stood and watched as Phoenix Wright gave the opening speech at the tall podium in the center of the stage. The weather was calm..and the beautiful park made for a perfect place to have the initial candidacy speeches.
Phoenix Wright: And so today, my fellow denizens of Metro City...I bring you three fine candidates that would each make a wonderful president. I want this to be a clean election. Let these individuals make their speeches with NO interruptions, NO objections, and NO violence. Each of these individuals have something different to bring to the table, so be courteous and understand their intentions. This is the initial run, which means that these speeches are broadcast to everyone at home so that people can get an idea of who they might want to vote for.
Phoenix Wright: Keep in mind, you do NOT vote at this time. That comes in two weeks.
Viper stood in the crowd and watched as sweat dripped down Mike Haggar's forehead. She shook her head and disappeared in the crowd. Haggar had consulted her beforehand and wanted her to scout out the crowd to see how people felt about him. C. Viper was a master of technology, so Haggar wanted her, as a last resort, to hack into peoples' phones and remind them to vote for Haggar. Nothing malicious, right?
Rose, the fortune-teller from the Street Fighter universe, also stood in the crowd. Doctor Strange consulted her beforehand to predict the outcome of the election, and the results had Doctor Strange on edge. Sweat also dripped from his forehead as well.
Shuma-Gorath was the only one not worried. He sat with his tentacles folded and eyed (get it, eyed? Because he only had one eye...? haha...okay I'll stop) the competition. Haggar sat to the left, Strange sat in the middle, and Gorath sat on the right.
Ken Masters was also in attendance in the crowd, along with other notables such as Nova, Nightcrawler, Frank West, Sagat, William Guile, Mr. Fantastic, Miles Edgeworth, Captain Commando, Leon S. Kennedy, Regina (from DinoCrisis), Psylocke, Mystique, Elektra, and even Professor Charles Xavier. Even Cable was in attendance, but he should be thankful Deadpool wasn't around.
Everyone was anxious to see how the candidates stacked up, and everyone wanted to be a part of the scene. There were even security guards watching from above to make sure there were no assassins. Strider Hiryu, the futuristic ninja with the crimson scarf, stood on top of the tallest building in Metro City and watched from above. He had his arms folded and his scarf billowed in the wind. He had a communicator in his ear to receive audio transmissions from below, but thankfully, no one needed to contact him yet. Another ninja, Strider Hien, sat on the building opposite to Hiryu's. Hien was a ninja wearing all white, while Hiryu had a mix of purple and crimson. Hien had black-hair while Hiryu had a dark-brown. Both were serious in demeanor, and both were focused.
Phoenix Wright: Now, without further ado...I introduce to you, the first candidate: Mr. Michael Haggar!
Mike Haggar steadied his necktie and made sure his business suit was nice and comfortable; he was going to be talking for a while. As he cleared his throat and approached the podium, Doctor Strange's eyebrows furrowed. He wanted Haggar to fail, but he would watch patiently and study his rival. Shuma-Gorath did the same.
Haggar approached the microphone and tapped it. He focused his eyes on the huge crowd in front of him. He looked to the left and then to the right.
Then, he spoke.
TBC