Chapter 11-Jacob

Yes, I am back and classes are over! I'd rather write for the rest of my

Natural life, but here is Jacob's POV.

Tear my own flesh, that's what I'll do. I would have to morph in wolf form to get my claws to extract, and it may be slightly difficult to tear myself down to nothing but wolf chunks by time Bella gets back.

I started down La Push, kicking sand and looking to the gray water. It was deep the further out one goes.

How deep should I go?

I looked down past my abs then. I wanted to kill Bella, and have body her at the same time. My raging erection was tearing me to bits. What a horny, rabid dog I am. Finally circling back around I sat down, very close to the water. I scooted even closer, wearing nothing but shorts. I was a murderer, I took someone's wife, and I had love for a little girl I may never know again.

"Perfect time to screw myself." I said aloud, now standing up and letting the water lap at my ankles. Another step further and it was to my calves.

"You don't want to do that. I tried it before."

I turned and there stood Leah, wearing her usual tight jeans and shirt, but she had worry in her face, and it made her appear to have a hurtful beauty.

"Mind your business Leah." I grit out at her.

She didn't get the message but came close to me, I stepped out further though. I looked behind me again, she stayed where she was, plunking down in the sand, and she stretched out her pretty, silky toes. In wolf form , they were definitely in need of pedicure, I told her before.

"Listen, Jacob. I know I came off like a drunken prom date before, but that's because I am hurting too. You know my deal with Sam Uley." She leaned back on her elbows looking up at me. "Its never worth it. Because they win no matter what."

"Who is they?"

"They, Jacob. Bella, Edward, Sam, my cousin Emily…all of those who have a family or someone to love them back."

"Renesmee loves me, but I-I can't-"

Leah frowned. "You're just horny Jacob, Nessie is a little girl so Bella satisfied your appetite." She shrugged. "Actually, I would have done same thing, but it doesn't change the main thing: that you will have to wait for the girl. I wonder if I'll have someone, or just-just die lonely."

I felt bad for her. Finally forgetting my own problems, I came to her and lied on my back beside her. She smelled good, but I could not think of her in that manner. It would ruin both of us.

"It doesn't take psychic abilities to figure that you're thinking of just boning me then forgetting about me completely."

"I could never forget you Leah Clearwater." I said it and meant it. I leaned to her and removed some of her hair from her lovely face-the perfect picture of sadness and fierceness. "I just, can't believe I tried to kill Bella. In the worst way."

"You're beating yourself up again, Jake. Forget about her. It'll be hard, but you have a life to live, you have a family-us." She smiled and grabbed my hand, wrapping it around her warm ones. "You have me."

"No matter what I say, huh?"

"Yup." She stood up. I must get back. Come with me." She pulled me up-amazing since I weight like a ton nowadays.

*

Several hours later found me sitting with Leah and rest of the pack, when we had a knock at the door of my garage. Leah got up answering it. The icy sick smell unleashed itself into our tight room, and Seth and the others dispersed further into the garage room where the TV was.

"What are you doing here?" I stepped behind Leah then saw Alice, and motioned for Leah to join the others. She nodded and left me with Alice Cullen.

Her eyes were wider than ever. "You're alive?"

I pinched my arm. "Yeah, pretty much."

"I-saw…you were drowning. You were dead!"

I put the elements together. Alice's vision was subject to personal decisions or something like that. I would have drowned if not for Leah.

"Someone saved you." It was a statement.

"Leah."

Alice looked over my shoulder and then she smiled. "She is a good person, that Leah. She will be happy soon. One day."

I looked behind me, and watched Leah chilling with the others talking and watching television.

"She's great," I agreed.

We stood there. Both thinking about what we should say, like: 'What happened with Bella, or where's Nessie?'

"Oh, well, I suppose all is well with you."

"I do appreciate the concern Alice. Really, I do." I said. "How's --um, Bella?"

"She is better. Edward too." She looked around her into the night before turning back to me. "Are you alright though? I had seen what happened at the Volturi City, and it was not pretty, Jacob Black."

I dug my hand through my hair. "Nah, it wasn't pretty, but once I left, I did feel better physically, although I didn't think I could go on."

"Just for now, keep to yourself. I'll see if I can arrange for Nessie to come by. Bella and Edward have things to work on and you being there might-"

"I get it." I cut her off, not wanting to relive any of the bad stuff. "Just have me see Nessie as much as I can, and I will try and stay away from Bella."

"Try?" Alice raised an eyebrow. "You will, kiddo." She winked and with that turned and fled from the garage into the dark.

Yeah, she was definitely one of the good ones. I looked back over at Leah. She will find happiness? Could Alice be right? I mean, unless something happens, but when it happened, a wolf knows. I couldn't picture Leah with someone. Selfish, I know, but it may change her, like Nessie had somehow changed me. Well, kind of changed me, Bella was addicting.

Yet, I have to get her out of my system. I will vow to myself, never again to get too close to Bella. I will control myself.

"Hey!" Quil and Embry shouted at me. "Get from the door already; do you need a therapy group for sex or something?" Leah threw a couch pillow at them, I charged at them meaning to topple them over. Poor Seth was caught in middle and his hotdogs and orange soda spilled over him and onto the floor.