A/N-I know I'm seriously a terrible person for not updating as often as I would like, but I'm trying to figure out where this story is going to go. Plus, school's been a real pain in the butt. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story! You are the reason I keep writing! :) As always, please review! I want to hear what you have to say Oh and I just wanted to say that I LOVE YOU GUYS! 3
Nothing is more terrible than the feeling of getting rejected. I feel worthless. I feel used. I feel like I could never, no matter how hard I could ever try, be better than Katniss. These thoughts plague me at every waking moment of the day. The worst part of it all, though, is being alone. I am so utterly alone.
Peeta doesn't know the demons I face during the day. He doesn't know the thoughts that are always in my head. He doesn't know how broken I am. I will never tell him. I don't ever want to fill his mind with my problems when he has so many problems of his own.
My very own father doesn't care about me, either. He's never home, and he never speaks to me when he is. We have grown more distant, farther and farther apart. Sometimes I think I disappoint him. Sometimes I think he just didn't want to have a child. Either way, I am not loved.
My mother is gravely ill. She could die at any moment. The mere thought of my beloved mother dying is too much to bear. I shouldn't be so selfish. She is in so much pain. Death should bring her long awaited comfort. Oh, I forgot. I'm selfish, too.
The maids and the butlers don't genuinely care for me. They are paid to be kind to me. Sometimes I wonder, though, about Theo. I know I could never ask him. I wonder if it was real: all of those serious talks, the jokes, the crying, those silly moments. They could all just be a lie, a painful lie.
Katniss is too busy. She's too busy hunting. She's too busy being with Gale. She's too busy being a big sister to Prim. She's too busy to realize that my life is falling apart.
My thoughts keep racing as I turn over in my warm bed. I think of the same things every morning. I know I should get up and get moving. I have school today, since it starts back up after the Hunger Games are over. I'm probably already late. I just want to lie in bed and think about my sad, pathetic life.
It is pretty obvious that I will not be attending school today, and the thought makes me a little bit nervous. I could go to Peeta's house. I know that would make me feel better. We could talk and goof off just like the old times that I crave to relive. I might slip, though. My sad demeanor might show. He might ask me what's wrong. The thought scares me. How can I explain what I'm going through? What if he thinks I'm a drama queen? What if he thinks the labels are true? I won't dare go there, not today.
Lazily, I stumble out of the bed. I almost trip over my own feet. I sluggishly trudge to the bathroom. I brush my gold curls that I wish to be brown. I put some makeup on my pale skin that I long to be tan. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time. I stare into my blue eyes that I desperately want to be brown. I look at all of my flaws. I look at all of the things that no one could ever find attractive. No wonder both Gale and Peeta prefer Katniss over me. It was my mistake to think differently.
My thoughts slow as I see the face in the mirror. She looks like she's about to break down in tears at any given moment. I'm not that girl. I'm strong, I'm brave, I'm…oh who am I kidding? I am that girl.
My feet echo in the hallway as I make my way back to my room. I open up my closet and gaze at my clothes. I pick out a simple black top that pops against my pale skin. I wear skintight jeans that are a tad too long on me. I wear some old gym shoes of mine. I know where I'm going to go.
My stomach ties in knots as I jog to through the quiet streets. It's much quieter without the children running around, so my stride sounds so much louder. I am so nervous I'll get caught. Theo didn't catch me, but that doesn't mean someone else didn't see me. Then again, what do I have to lose?
My jog slows as I reach the meadow. Memories of Peeta and I come coursing back. I don't think about them that much, though. I have a destination in mind. I can't get distracted.
The gate seems more intimidating without Gale here to protect me from what lies beyond. I take a few more steps to get closer to it. I keep quiet and listen for the electric hum Gale warns me about. I don't hear anything, but that could be because of my heart pounding so hard in my ears. I take a deep breath and locate the hole in the fence that I have to squeeze myself through. I find it and saunter closer to it. I take another deep breath and wiggle underneath. I get through the hole easily because I'm so tiny.
Once I'm on the other side, I get even more nervous. I start to run. That is one of the worst possible things I could have possibly done, but I'm really not thinking. The scenery is absolutely beautiful. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. No wonder Gale and Katniss like to come here.
My thoughts slow and I just focus on running. I run and run until I can't run anymore. I sit on a log nearby and try to catch my breath. I begin to observe my surroundings and realize that I have no clue where I am. I have no clue how I got her. I have no idea how to get back. Crap.
A/N-Review, please!