A/N: Since Nausicaa2301 asked so nicely (and I'm on sick leave for another week)... here's the solution to Lt McSmartypant's little jumper incident. Well, kinda. Also, he wouldn't stop talking about falcons. Very weird, that.

Also, sorry it's not another Government Conspiracy Job chapter, lizzie but I promise to kick... ask mac very nicely to beta maybe one or two new chapters ;)

And I'll try to maybe somehow have her beta one or two chapters of the new Minor Characters piece, Lies, Lies, Lies (so at least now you've got at least a title to look out for ;)). We'll see.

PS.: Language warning. Who would have thought such a goody two shoes as McSmartypants would know how to cuss so well.

I Can Do it Better

"Tomorrow the sun is gonna shine again
And tomorrow I'll get myself a second chance
Take my wrongs, turn them around
Get myself together
Give me a brand new day
And I can do it better."

Gord Bamford, "Better"

What he really misses about the Academy is… well, the falconry. He hasn't told anyone yet – not even Kassandra – but he misses the birds and the taking care of them and the exhilaration when seeing them fly. He'd known he probably wouldn't ever get to do it again, once he left the Academy but… he'd never have thought he'd actually get to do it again, hundreds of thousands of light years away from home.

Which is basically what he's doing right now, on the East pier. Only a couple of days after coming to Atlantis, he'd discovered that the city might be located in open water but that it was still populated by a couple of avian species… and one of them proved to be susceptible to Oreos and lots and lots of careful convincing with even more patience. So he's standing here and trying to show this new trick to…

"I sincerely hope that Biology knows about what you're doing here, Lieutenant." Jesus fucking Christ what the hell is Laura Cadman doing here all of a sudden? "Coming out here to stretch." Huh? "You looked like you wanted to know what I was doing here all of a sudden." Oh God. It's not just a rumor. The Captain really is psychic. "No, Lieutenant, contrary to common believe, I am not psychic. You're just as open as a book."

"That's what Kassandra always says, ma'am." Oh, damn, that wasn't what he'd wanted to say. Instead, he'd wanted to tell her very politely and very properly to fuck the hell off and fucking leave him be… basically what he'd been telling just about everyone who'd tried to talk to him since he and Kassandra got busted in that damn jumper.

But maybe that will still… "So… if I didn't know better I'd say you were hiding, Lieutenant."

Fuck. How does she do tha… no, wait. He isn't hiding. "Beg pardon, ma'am, but I'm not hiding."

"Yes," she says and nods with a kind of smug expression, "you very much are hiding here."

No, he isn't? "With all due respect, ma'am…"

"Heard you got busted." Oh God, not again. Not another person asking him about that incident.

He turns back to F-22, his ersatz falcon. "I don't want to talk about it." Mh. It seems as if the bird is starting to feel his agitation, so he carefully takes off the cap her improvised and lets her fly, hoping it'll take her awhile to come back.

There, that should suffice. "Yeah, but Evan did." Okay, apparently, it didn't. And yes, of course the boss would talk about that with his girlfriend. Oh fuck. "And probably the rest of the city as well."

Yes, well, that's hardly any news. In fact, the people making fun of it in the week after getting busted – and then surprisingly getting only moderately chewed out about it by both Lorne and Sheppard – had so far been the Sergeants – of course the Sergeants – some of Kassandra's IT girls and some of the stupid nerds who've probably never seen anyone including themselves naked ever before if they didn't consist of pixels, Major Moore, Captain Reece – although he's not quite sure about that because with Reece you never know – several other soldiers… actually, he thinks there's no one who didn't have a go at him, including Mr. Woolsey. He scowls. "I really don't want to talk about it."

Cadman grins. "Oh, but maybe I do. Rank hath its privileges and all that." She… wouldn't, right? Please tell him Cadman is not about to…

"Dear city dwellers..." Huh, what…

"City dwellers? Seriously, Richard?" What the hell? Why are Sheppard and Woolsey arguing over the city's PA system all of a sudden? And from the look of it, Captain Cadman doesn't know what's going on, either. Well, he thinks, that would certainly be a first.

"Yes, how else should I phrase this?" Where the hell is this go…

"Attention everyone!" Whoa! He never thought anyone could be faster than him when being called to attention but apparently, Cadman's reflexes are really as good as the boss once hinted at… when telling them why they shouldn't ever piss off her or any of the other female Marines on base.

And okay, it's a little funny how she actually makes herself relax when Mr. Woolsey sighs, "Naturally." Oh, wait… is she blushing? Nah… or maybe yes? It's hard to tell, seeing as she's wearing sports dress and probably came here on her jogging round.

Sheppard and Woolsey still have to tell them what this is all about, though. So he hopes they finally get down to business when Sheppard says, "Anyway… Mr. Woolsey and I would like to remind you that it is absolutely and on the penalty of death or worse..."

Did Cadman just mutter "Jesus fucking Christ, cut the old married couple crap and get to the fucking point"? From the look of it… yeah, she did. And he'll never get used to that kind of insolence. Positively never.

"I never said that, John!" Even though she wasn't quite wrong with her assessment, he has to give her that. And from the look of it, she knows it. He really does wonder how the boss and her manage to get along… well, most of the time, anyway, if the rumor mill is worth anything.

"Okay, fine, that it is absolutely forbidden to use the jumper for screwing around..." Oh God.

"Colonel Sheppard!"

"For anything other than their intended purpose." Yes, thank you, sir. But yeah… it's probably too late, anyway and okay, after that he actually will go into hiding. He only has to figure out how to get Kassandra there, too… because going into hiding without Kassandra would be very boring.

"And that purpose is not to "screw around" in them, as you so nicely put it." What… Richard Woolsey… just didn't use the term "screw around", right? He didn't. Did he?

"Richard! I'm appalled!" Actually… part of that sounded almost real, even over the crappy PA announcement… oh, and there's F-22 again.

"You started it, Colonel." Well, that was certainly just a little bit smug, he thinks when quietly soothing his bird by stroking her breast feathers and tries to ignore Cadman who looks strangely curious and a little… intimidated? Nah. She must know about his days as a falconer at the Academy, given the fact that she's sleeping with his – their – boss. And he did not just mentally wince at that thought.

"Yeah, right. Anyway, people, you heard me. No screwing around in jumpers or any other government property air and other mobile craft. Actually, no screwing around in storage closets, offices, alcoves or any other dark nooks and crannies, either. And that also includes…"

"John." A discreet cough then and he's pretty sure Woolsey just gave Sheppard a pointed look.

"Alright. You know what I mean. Behave yourself, people and this time I… we mean it. Just a friendly reminder. Sheppard and Woolsey out."

For a moment, there's only the sound of the sea and the distant cries of F-22's friends… and that of her prey. Then… he hears Cadman clear her throat and say, "Well, that was… interesting."

"That's one way to describe it, ma'am," he can't help saying while preparing F-22 for her last flight for today.

Cadman just shrugs, eyeing his bird a little warily when he lets her fly again. "Certainly. Hey, uh, tell you what? When the whole thing has died down a little," which will be in about a hundred years, he's tempted to add, "why don't you ask Captain Reece or Major Moore for a little advice on how not to get caught?"

Uh… "What?" She raises her eyebrow. He clears his throat. "I mean, beg pardon, ma'am?"

Now she grins again. "Ask them. They know a thing or two about not getting caught." What the hell is she… oh good God, he'd never wanted to know that about either Reece or Moore but yeah… it does explain a couple of weird remarks from last week.

"I'll… um… think about it, ma'am." And then he'll decide against it, that much is clear.

Rolling her eyes, she says, "Oh come on, Joe, it's not as if that couldn't have happened to… a lot of people." He's pretty sure it never happened to her and the boss. Okay, so he knows about that gay couple in Archeology who got caught doing… interesting things in what they thought was an unused office and that female keeper from Biology and her kitchen crew boyfriend who were doing it on a work bench when her boss entered the repair shop for the cages… But yes, it definitely never happened and would never happen to Captain Cadman and Major Lorne. Most certainly not. Oh wait, why is she grinning like that again? "Maybe, if you're being really nice… I might actually tell you the story how Evan and I got busted by Colonel Sheppard in the workout room someday."

What? "Uh, ma'am…"

"Someday, Lieutenant, someday. Not now." Oh, alright. And anyway, he really didn't want to know that. He still doesn't want to know it. Really.

He swallows. "Of course, ma'am."

And there's his bird again. Yes, she's a beauty… she's a little bigger than the Academy's gyrfalcons, prairie falcons and peregrine falcons and her feathers are white and grey, like that of a seagull but she's got the same eyes as falcons and her beak is shaped almost identically. Her species seems to be intelligent and fast-learning and they seem develop attachments pretty fast, considering… "So does Biology know about this?"

Well… "Not… really, ma'am."

"Lieutenant?" Mh. He wonders if that raised eyebrow is able to keep the boss in check as well it can keep him in check.

"Okay. Not at all. But… please don't tell them, ma'am?" Oh well, come to think of it… "Don't tell anyone, ma'am? Please?"

Cadman makes a show of sighing. Aw, come on… "Fine, I won't. But you do know that you owe me one now, right?" He nods. Yeah, damn, he does. "By the way… does Miss Wilson know what you're doing here?"

Um, well… "No. And I'd prefer to keep it…"

"You might want to show her. She might actually like it. I know Anna does." Huh, who? "Anna Williamson, Evan's sister. She's married to another Academy graduate…"

Wait. Williamson. Academy. Falconry. Oh. "Charles Williamson, ma'am?"

She seems a little surprised now. What? "Yeah. That's her husband. What, you know him?"

"Uh, yeah, ma'am… Major Williamson took care of the falconry team sometimes. And… and he's Major Lorne's brother-in-law?" This… isn't good. It can't be good.

And why is Cadman so amused, all of a sudden. "Yeah, he is. Oh, don't worry, I don't think Evan will tell him about your… exploits here. Or at least not if you behave yourself."

Behave himself. Oh, he can do that. He always knew how to do that. That little thing in the jumper… that was a lapse of good judgment, induced by his way too hot girlfriend wearing those damn shorts and that damn sleeveless tight regulation shirt and anyway… "Yes, ma'am. Of course, ma'am."

"Good boy." What… he's not a dog, dammit! "So, uh… does it a name or something?"

Did she just call his not-quite-falcon it? "It's a she, ma'am. And yes, she does have a name. F-22."

What is the matter now? Why, in all Heavens, did Cadman just snort? F-22 is a very good name for an Air Force not-quite-falcon, thank you very much, because it's a great tradition, seeing as the official mascot falcon has been called Mach 1, ever since they had the first falcon in 1955 and… "Seriously? F-22? Oh come on, you can't be serious."

"I am, ma'am. It's a great tradition in the Air Force to…"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. But F-22? I don't think she deserves that." What is so bad about F-22? So far the bird certainly didn't complain and… "I think… oh, how about Irene? Doesn't that have some Air Force tradition, too?" How the hell does a Marine know about that cadence? Oh, right, because she's sleeping with an Academy graduate and no, he didn't wince mentally this time, either. "Oh, look, I think the bird likes it."

No, she doesn't… did the bird just blink at him, kind of… telling? And… why is she suddenly bending her head to the side and making that… sound, kinda like a cross between clicking and croaking? "I don't think the bird can actually…" Ow. Those claws are sharp, you stupid bird!

"I think she can. And I think you really should introduce her to your girlfriend. I have a feeling they might get along… and it might get you another round of screwing… but probably better not in a jumper." Oh God, the mouth the woman has. However did the boss end up with her? "Close your mouth, Lieutenant and give your bird a decent name… because I need to finish my daily round now, otherwise Evan might start looking for me." Oh yeah, uh-huh, sure. "He would, believe me. We've got plans ton… okay, and I really need to go." Yes, thank you. Because he totally doesn't need to know which plans the boss and his girlfriend had for tonight. "And get over that little thing in the jumper. People will find something else to talk about, trust me."

Ahaha, yeah, right, as if.

But… okay… he remembers how fast people went from talking about the boss and Cadman during that fake marriage thing to Colonel Sheppard and Miss Emmagan and then to completely different things in the space of just a week… okay, maybe he'll get lucky, just for once. He manages a rueful half-smile. "Yes, ma'am. I… uh… thank you, ma'am."

She just nods and then bids him good bye and then he's alone again with… F-22? Irene? "You didn't really like that name, Irene? Did you?" Again there's the head bending and the strange sound.

"What's so bad about F-22?" He can't believe he's talking to a bird about her name but there was that digging her claws into his arm again and even though it's well protected it did hurt.

"Alright. Irene. You really want that name?" The head bending and the sound again and this time it's a little louder.

He sighs. "Okay, fine, Irene it is. And… I think the Captain might have been right about that other thing…" Oh well. He taps his ear piece. "Hey, uh, Kassandra… I'd like you to meet someone, down by the East pier…"