AN: This. Took. Forever. You guys have no idea how many rewrites this thing went through. I am terribly sorry for leaving you guys waiting. Between school, work, and Dragon Age: Inquisition (freaking awesome game), I had time only to post that little Diary of a Trevelyan fic. (Which I will update. Hopefully.)

BUT, here's the moment y'all have been waiting for: Sel and John get it on! (I can't believe I just wrote that.) Mind you, I've never written smut. Well, I have, but that was femslash. And I've never published it. So, as you can guess, I'm super nervous about this. I seriously hope you guys like this. Let me know what you think.

And for those of you that reviewed, followed, and/or fave'd while I was gone, thank you. Truly. Those of you that have been with me since the beginning of this endeavor, thank you as well. Cookies for all of you!

Ch.20

It had been an awkward night with little rest. John did not question me about my reaction at seeing Garrus any more but he did have this…feeling about him. Frankly, it hurt me that I couldn't tell him. But if I did, things would only get worse. He would either laugh at me and not believe me, or believe me, tell the Alliance and get both of our asses kicked out for coming up with such a story. Frankly, I couldn't decide which would be worse.

The stars accompanied me throughout the night as John slept at my side. He insisted he would sleep on the floor or on one of the chairs, but after I quite literally dragged him to the bed and tucked him in myself like if he were a child and I his mother, he gave in and fell asleep. The artificial sun slowly raised now, indicating the beginning of a new day.

Trying to not awaken John, I slid out of bed and stretched. Maybe an hour or two is all the rest I had this night, but my training at Basic let me become accustomed to short sleeping times. I made my way to the bathroom and quickly took a shower, trying to wash away my idiocy. How could I have done such a mistake like that?

After patting myself with a towel and wrapping it around myself, I walked back into the room where John was still- thankfully -asleep. How magnificent had the previous night started. Browsing, shopping, drinking. And then, the inevitable near-death experience and the biggest fuck up of the century.

"Why can't you do something right?" I whispered softly to myself, sitting on the bed with my back to a still-sleeping John. "Every single time you mess up. You messed up in your other life, you're given a new one and you go fuck that one up as well."

I sighed heavily. Part of me knew I was mad at myself for almost having to tell John everything. The other part of me was troubled at the fact that I had to hide that from him. He should know. But if he does….things won't come out as planned. So far, everything's been going the way it should be going.

"I just don't know how much I can take." I whispered, my face dropping to my hands, taking a deep breath.

I was so distracted by my own thoughts I did not feel the shifting of the bed until strong arms wrapped around my waist. I gasped as I was taken off guard, turning my head to see John awake. He simply held me, no words passed through the two of us. The sounds of the outside world did not penetrate the silence that consumed the room as John held me gently.

After what seemed an eternity, silence died. "I don't know what it is you can't tell me." John began. "All I know is that you'll get through whatever it is you have to do. We'll do it together. Even if it's a task as monumental as saving the whole galaxy, we'll do it. Together."

Ironic how he always hits the nail on the head, as the saying goes. 'Saving the whole galaxy' is exactly what we have to do.

"I'm never going to pressure you to tell me the things that are troubling you because I know you'll tell me when you're ready. Just know that." He finished.

He crawled out of the bed and kneeled in front of me so that our faces would be leveled. Without hesitation, he closed the distance between us and locked our lips in a blaze of passion. His hands locked with mine at my sides, resting upon the bed. The kiss promised protection, a safe haven amidst destruction, fear, and cruelty. Slowly, my back hit the soft mattress, John hovering over me, our lips and hands never separating. The kiss grew in intensity and somewhere in the back of my mind, something clicked.

I separated my lips from his. "John, wait."

Realizing in the position we were, he quickly stood. "I'm sorry. I got…carried away."

"So did I." I chuckled lightly, sitting up, clutching at my towel still wrapped around me. "I just…I've never…You know."

"Not even in your other life?" John asked with a flushed face.

I shook my head in response. "I was still pretty young. I never thought of that kind of thing."

"Well, I lived in a foster home my whole life-in case you have forgotten. So, I've not…uhh…I have never…either."

We stayed in an awkward silence. My mind raced as thoughts of what would have happened passed through my mind like a large crowd in an alley.

"Do you…do you want to?" I asked softly. My heart beat loudly in me; I was sure even John could hear it ramming inside my chest.

"No." John replied. "Not if you don't want to as well." He quickly added. "This should be something that is done with both of us agreeing to it."

Blue pools bore into my own brown eyes as he slowly approached me again, taking my hands in his once more. Kneeling once more, he reiterated the question I asked him moments ago.

"Do you want to?"

Honestly, the thought was both frightening and exciting at the same time. And the consequences… We didn't have any…protection, as dear Jack liked to put it in what seemed a lifetime ago. Granted, I had a feeling pregnancy was not a problem. In this day and age, pregnancies could be avoided easier than in the past and wasn't considered a stigma any longer.

Was I seriously considering this? Did I really want to do this with John?

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. I opened them and finally gave an answer.

"I do."

His hands tightened their hold on mine slightly. "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to."

"I want to do this." I confirmed. Leaning in, our lips met in an embrace one could only define as passion and love. Once more, my back met the mattress as John pushed me gently, hovering over me. Our tongues danced a lover's dance, gently moving against each other. Tentatively, I let go of his hands and reached for the hem of his white t-shirt and began to slowly pull it up, revealing a chiseled abdomen and chest.

Our lips left for a moment to fully remove the shirt, leaving his well-built upper body with nothing but his dog tags, hanging about his neck, clinking every once in a while. My hands explored the expanse of John's back, learning the dips and hills of muscle, feeling them move under my touch.

Slowly, he reaches for the knot on the towel and unties it, letting the towel fall to my sides, leaving me bare to his eyes. My heart begins to pound, and a wave of nervousness washes over me. It leaves, however, as he reverently caresses my upper body with his calloused hands. A slight whimper escapes my lips as he moves towards my chest.

The caresses and kisses continue for what seem a lifetime. All the while, I feel… something building inside. A ball of desire building inside me, coiling within me. I could feel him straining against his boxers, occasionally grazing my thigh. I move to remove the offending garment, leaving us both bare and exposed to each other's gazes. John hesitates for a moment, probably feeling insecure about himself. A languid kiss quickly fixes that, however.

"Are you ready?" he asks, his voice deeper and huskier than usual. I nod in response, not being able to trust my voice to verbally answer. I close my eyes as he guides himself to me, my heart beating fast in my chest, wanting to escape its confines. My eyes shoot open as I feel John probing inside me, slowly, languidly, carefully.

My breathing stops as he fills me, my heart no longer pounding in my ears. It didn't feel painful, a bit strange, being stretched as such, but no pain. He stayed still for a moment when he was fully sheathed, both of us getting accustomed to the euphoric feeling. It was indescribable.

He pulled out slowly, and my breathing returned, now ragged. He stopped before fully exiting and, in one glorious push, sheathed himself once more within me. I cried out, clawing at his back, holding on to sweet life as he set up a pace. Grunts, gasps, and moans filled the room. Pleasure coursed through my entire body, filling me up inside.

That which had been building inside of me, that raw desire, begged to be released with each thrust. Soon, it could be contained no longer. I cried out once more as I came undone, John following. The warm fluid drew out my euphoric feelings as John grunted, the sensation clearly overwhelming him. It lasted only but a moment, as the feelings soon fades, leaving us both taking deep, shaky breaths.

Slowly, as he had been doing, John extricated himself from me, leaving me feeling empty. His arms wrapped around my waist, holding me as close as physically possible. This was…nice. I didn't know how else to explain it. John was an understanding man. He was patient, kind. I couldn't put it into words how lucky I felt right this instant. He understood. So long as that remained, I would be content.