Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. This chapter focuses on more about Dean. His past and what brought him where is now. You'll also find out what's going on with John. Trigger Warning in this chapter…there's cutting at the very end. Skip it if it bothers you. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review.

True Rayanne Adaire

Chapter Nine

Castiel

Gabe got out of the hospital two weeks later. He hadn't chosen to see Michael again, though our oldest brother had tried multiple times to visit him. Apparently, after Dean and I left the hospital, Michael had gone off on Lucifer. Some of the things he'd said had hit pretty hard and Gabe wasn't at all happy. It took a lot to get Gabe mad, but a sure-fire way to do that was to hurt someone he cared about. Michael had finally done just that. So he'd shut Michael out. We were happier this way, he said. Michael was a great big bag of dicks and we didn't need him. Still, we all knew it hurt him to do it and we didn't mention Michael's name anymore.

They hadn't caught John yet which scared Dean. He tried not to show it, especially in front of Sam, but it showed anyways. John, he told me one night in bed, wasn't mentally all there. He'd murdered their mother, Mary, by setting fire to her in Sam's bedroom. Of course, he'd sworn that he was innocent. A demon had killed her. A yellow eyed demon to be exact. Dean had rolled his eyes, burying his face against me, when he said that. They'd diagnosed John with Schizophrenia and locked him in a mental institution where he'd been since Sam was only 6 months old. He'd escaped numerous times and had even managed to keep Dean locked up somewhere for over a year. Every time he escaped, he came after Sam and Dean…trying to get them to go "Hunting" with him. He scared Dean and now that he'd escaped, it seemed he'd set his sights on Sam. Dean, like myself, was protective of his brother. He was the big brother, the protector, and the thought of John coming anywhere near him made him angry. Because John was still out there, Ellen and Bobby had taken to keeping the boys in the house most of the time. Sam, being the quiet bookworm, was quite fine with this arrangement. He hardly left the house anyways. Dean, however, didn't like it all too much. He didn't like being cooped up and he resented his father all the more for causing it.

I kept Dean occupied as best I could, not wanting him to get himself in trouble. It was not an easy job. Dean hated being indoors so much. He was an adventurer. He liked to be on the move. Unless he was working on his model cars, he wasn't fond of sitting still. We spent most of our time talking to Lucifer – he and Dean got along surprisingly well considering Lucifer normally hated people – and watching cheesy horror movies. Ash kept us company most of the time too and with Ash came Jo. Theirs was a…strange relationship to say the least but they were good together and they kept Dean out of trouble when I couldn't. Well…Ash did. Dean thought of Jo as a little sister and, as such, didn't listen to her too well. Most of the time, when she gave him an order, he'd simply cock an eyebrow at her and do the exact opposite. It was funny to watch…but after a while it'd get old and Jo would yell at him.

The first time I witnessed Dean having a night terror, I'd been a little scared. Now, it was almost habit. Ever since we heard that John was out on the loose, he'd been having them almost every night. He'd wake up, screaming and crying, and it would take hours for me to get him back to sleep. After a while, he started sleeping in my bed and that made them a little bit better but it didn't erase them completely. He wouldn't tell me what they were about, only that they were memories. Things that had happened during the year he'd been kidnapped by his dad. He'd only been eight years old when it happened and the memories were still pretty vivid.

"We're gonna head to bed guys." Sam said, leaning into Gabe's side.

The two hadn't spent a single night apart since Gabe got home from the hospital.

Dean glanced me, yawning. "Yeah I think I'll turn in too. Didn't get much sleep last night and it's nearly midnight."

I nodded, standing. "I'll come with you. I'm kind of tired myself."

Ash grinned, kissing Jo lightly on the lips. "You guys are going to miss the party."

Lucifer groaned, standing and making retching noises. "In that case I'm going to bed myself. Ain't no one here that wants to see you two act all cuddly and cute."

I laughed. "Night guys. See you in the morning."

Jo grinned at us. "Night Cas!"

Taking my hand, Dean led me back upstairs to our own room. In the room next to us, we could hear the usual sounds of Lucifer, Sam, and Gabe going to bed. Which, of course, meant that they were arguing. Rolling my eyes, I changed into a muscle shirt and a pair of shorts before climbing into bed. Dean simply stripped down to his boxers and climbed in beside me, looking apologetic.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" I asked as I flipped off the light.

"I just…I'm sorry you see this shit every night." He whispered, closing his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Hush. I do it because I want to. If I didn't, I'd head downstairs and sleep on the couch, love."

"I love you…" he whispered, voice fading as he fell asleep.

I kissed his lips, settling into his side. "I love you too Dean."

Sleep didn't last long for me, though. All too soon, I woke up to the sound of Dean's horrified screams. They were worse this time, though. Louder. There was more fear, more absolute anguish, in them and I wanted to cry at the sound. Instead, I pulled him closer and ran a hand through his sweaty hair.

"DAD NO!"

He was still screaming when he woke up and it took a few minutes for him to realize where he was. When he had, he jumped out of bed and pulled a long, thin blade out of his dresser drawer. There were tears coursing down his cheeks as I stood, walking over to join him on his bed. His hand was shaking as he tried to press the blade against his thigh and the cuts he made were jagged. When he was done, I took the handkerchief I always used on my own cuts and used it to wipe the blood from his. Leading him back to my bed, I pulled him into my arms and carded a hand through his hair.

"That was the worst one yet, love." I commented, kissing the top of his head.

"I…they're only getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore, Cas. It's like I'm reliving it all over again and I…I can't do this much longer…"

"Would talking about it help? Maybe…maybe it's bothering you so much because you're keeping it inside."

He paused, thinking about it. "I've never told anyone what happened. Not even Sammy. When they asked, I just told them he'd kept me in a dark room. I…you'd hate me."

I shook my head, tightening my arms around his waist. "I could never hate you, Dean. Ever."

"I'll tell you…but please…please don't let go of me. I…I don't want to say this without your arms around me."

I squeezed him gently. "I'll always hold you."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I told you the beginning. How he found me at school and snatched me up. We traveled after that. A lot. He…uh…he thought we were hunting Demons and monsters and shit like that. We weren't. The…the things we were hunting were humans. He…he made me kill people. Kids, a pregnant woman he insisted was zombie, old people. I killed people. Innocent people. All because he swore he'd kill me if I refused. He said that if I didn't do what he told me to do, he'd have to send me back to Hell because obviously I couldn't be his son. I killed so many people over that year…I lost count."

I didn't hesitate. "Turn around and look at me."

Warily, he turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes, streaming down his cheeks, and I wiped them away with my thumb. I couldn't imagine what that must feel like. For your own father to force you to kill people. He'd been so young and yet he blamed himself for what his father had forced him to do. I rested our foreheads together, kissing him gently.

"It's not your fault. The blame for all of that belongs to John. He's the one that forced you to do that." I whispered.

His face broke. "How can you not hate me? I'm a murderer. A heartless fucking murderer."

I wiped yet another tear. "You are not a heartless anything. You feel remorse for what you did. Heartless people don't have remorse, love. They enjoy killing. Did you enjoy killing people?"

"Of course I didn't."

"Then there's your answer. You're human, babe. And this isn't your fault, love. None of it is your fault."

"I…I love you. I don't deserve you in the least…but I love you and…and please don't leave me. I…I…you're the only person I've ever trusted enough to tell that too and if you leave…I don't…I mean…I….please…"

I pulled him against my chest, laying us both down and flipping the light off again.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. I love you Dean and I promise you I'm not going to leave. You have my heart…I kind of can't go anywhere without that. Now go back to sleep, love. I'll be right here if you have another night terror."

I kissed the top of his head, rubbing circles in his back as he sobbed weakly into my chest. Soon, he'd cried himself to sleep and I lay awake staring at the ceiling. I couldn't believe what I'd heard. John…John had forced his own son to kill. Laying there, one arm around Dean's waist and the other behind my head, I made myself a promise. I was never going to let anything happen to him. Not John. Not anyone. I would die before anything touched Dean Winchester. He was mine.

I hadn't been exaggerating when I'd said that Dean had my heart. He did. He'd taken it somehow and I didn't want it back. Why would I want my heart back when it was safer with him than it was anywhere else? Dean could hold onto it forever if he wanted to just as I would hold onto him forever. And always. No matter what tried to come between us. And it was this thought that sent me drifting into sleep…