A/N: So… this chapter is actually only half of the actual chapter that I wrote. It should be around 6000 words long but after reading over it today before posting I decided to cut it. It was pretty heavy, mostly because this is the chapter where Maura… you know… so that's going to be happening in the next chapter now. This half is still pretty heavy without it and I personally feel like Jane makes up for everything in this one. I'm actually really nervous about it… It's kinda based on something I watched my sister experience so it's pretty personal to me. So… let me know what you think with your fantastic reviews, favourites and follows which make me smile like a looney.
Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Jane walked into work early armed with an extra coffee and eager to see Maura. Sunday family dinner had been cancelled, Angela claiming to be 'busy', but Jane knew the reason was something closer to the separation between herself and the person who owned the house that they had their dinners in. Jane headed straight down to Maura's office, hoping to at least see Maura and present her with a coffee and Fudge Cluster before the workday started. She was disappointed to find both the office and morgue empty. The jacket over the back of Maura's chair showed that Maura was already at work though. Maybe Jane could just wait for her.
After five minutes Jane grew impatient and stuck her head into the lab where she could see Suzie at work.
"'Sup Chang," she greeted.
"Detective Rizzoli," Suzie replied warmly. "Can I help you?"
"Have you seen M- Dr Isles?"
Suzie frowned. "She's at a meeting."
"Oh," Jane felt her shoulders sag.
"The homicide meeting," Suzie elaborated.
Jane's head snapped upwards from where it had been staring at her feet. "Huh?" She asked ineloquently.
"Dr Isles received an internal email about it this morning. You better hurry."
"Yeah. Thanks!" Jane yelled over her shoulder as she ran to the lift, still juggling the two coffees in her hands.
Jane ran into the bullpen, stopping in surprise when she saw it almost empty.
"Yo, Gomez, where is the meeting?" She yelled at one of the older detectives.
"Conference room. You're late Rizzoli."
Jane didn't even bother replying, heading quickly to the conference room. She couldn't remember ever being in the conference room, they only used it for high-risk briefings... such as those about Hoyt. This must be why Dean was in town. Jane slipped into the door silently; the female suit standing beside Dean didn't even pause in her introductions. The meeting didn't appear to be for all detectives, only those who Frost referred to as 'the A team'. Plus Crowe.
"Good morning detectives. I know this early morning isn't the ideal way to begin a Monday. I am special agent Christine Quinn, this is my partner special agent Gabriel Dean."
Jane found Maura sitting at the table, facing front, notepad and pen poised to take notes. There's my nerd, Jane thought affectionately.
Jane cleared her throat loudly, causing all eyes but Maura's to turn and look at her. She levelled her best death glare at the man to the left of Maura until he moved. Without missing a beat she slid into his now empty seat and placed the extra coffee in front of Maura, making sure the side with her name was facing her. She watched as Maura glanced at her out of the corner of her eyes before she reached out and gingerly took a sip.
Jane leaned back in her chair, prepared to zone out, feeling accomplished now that her friend appeared to have forgiven her enough to accept the offered coffee. Damn she was good. Of course, the next words from Dead almost caused her to fall off her chair and definitely caused Maura to choke on the mouthful of coffee she had just taken.
"Paddy Doyle has escaped custody," Dean said bluntly.
The room was silent for all of one minute.
"When?" Jane growled, standing to face Dean and pushing her chair back a bit to hard.
"Sunday night."
"You've been in town since Saturday," Jane accused, ignoring how that must have sounded to her fellow officers.
Dean nodded.
"You knew?" Jane growled again. "You knew he was going to escape and you didn't stop him? What are you suddenly gun-shy or something? You didn't have that problem last ti-"
Jane cut her off as she heard Maura's intake of breath. Jane quickly placed a hand on Maura's shoulder, squeezing.
"We had received word that there would be an escape attempt, yes."
"So you fucked up. Great. Now we have to deal with the fallout again. When I said I didn't have time for your need to know bullshit when it involved something that affects me, this is what I meant. Anything Paddy Doyle related directly affects me."
"Calm down Rizzoli," Cavanaugh ordered.
Jane opened her mouth, ignoring Cavanaugh and preparing for another attack on Dean until a small hand covered her scarred one on Maura's shoulder.
"Jane. Sit down and let them talk. We need to hear the details if we are going to... recapture him."
Jane slowly sunk back into her chair, feeling deflated.
"If you don't mind me asking," Maura began politely, "Why am I here? Is there a dead body?"
The two agents glanced at each other, silently communicating before the female began to speak for them both. "We feel as though your knowledge with the case and suspect will be quite beneficial. In fact that's why we are seeking assistance from the homicide division. Paddy Doyle is your case."
Maura nodded and focused her eyes onto the paper in front of her. Jane reached out a hand and linked it with Maura's as the two agents detailed Doyle's escape and disappearance.
Jane and Maura stayed behind when everyone left the room, Jane still clinging to Maura's hand and Maura making no sign of movement herself.
"Can I come over tonight Maur?" Jane asked, turning to face Maura without letting go.
"I don't know if that's a good idea Jane," Maura replied, eyes focused on the file in front of her.
"You don't want to talk about this?" Jane asked, gesturing to the board that showed Doyle's face.
Maura glanced at the image and away quickly. "No. He is the last thing I want to think about."
"OK. Then I... I want to explain what's been going on with me lately. Why I've been... you know," Jane tried to joke lightly.
Maura slowly dragged her eyes to Jane's face, as if it took a great amount of force. "I still need time."
Jane glanced down at their still joined hands. "I know you do... I'm not asking you to change your mind. I just... you said that you had some stuff to think about and I have some stuff to tell you that you're gonna need to think about so I was hoping that I would tell you and you could add it to your list of things to think about and it might even help you think..." Jane took a deep breath.
Maura blinked, her brain needing to take a second to process Jane's ramble. "That's the problem though Jane."
"What?"
"I've asked for time and you just aren't considering my feelings!" Maura snapped, feeling instantly guilty for her outburst. Maura sighed, finally pulling her hand away and giving herself some space. "I am so dependent on you that I feel like I don't have a life without you in it-"
"Maur-"
"No. Let me say this Jane," Maura snapped.
Jane shut her mouth with an audible snap.
"I am so anxious about losing you that I have found myself completely ignoring logic and my own... emotions... out of a somehow misguided attempt to keep you with me. I worry that if I honestly tell you how much you hurt me that you will think I am too much trouble and leave. I don't know what I would do if that happened. And so I forgive you and I pretend that you never broke my heart but then you do it again. I feel like you are trying to force me away from you at times but then suddenly you are back on my couch having a beer and watching the game. I'm not good at social situations and I am so confused as to what this is, what is happening. Am I even your best friend?"
"Of course you are Maura. You're my life-long best friend forever," Jane joked. "If you still want to be," Jane stared at Maura, hoping, praying, that the answer would be yes.
"I-is that all you see me as Jane? Your best friend?"
"What do you mean?" Jane gulped. Was Maura asking her if she was interested in her? How did she find out?
"I mean: when you look at me do you see Maura, your best friend, or do you see the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Maybe I'm the daughter of Constance and Richard Isles or the daughter of a mobster even. A doctor. Who am I?"
"You're all of those things Maura and more. You are beautiful, sweet, forgiving, so fucking smart. You're amazing. I wish I had your vocabulary so that I could explain how perfect you are to me."
Jane watched as Maura's eyes began to water. "Lately all I see when I look in the mirror is Jane's best friend."
"Is that so bad?" Jane asked, feeling a stabbing in her chest.
"When it's all I am... yes. I'm a person Jane. I need my own life."
"That's why you need space? To be alone for a while and find who you are?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I didn't appreciate you enough and now..."
Maura leaned forward and wiped a tear from Jane's cheek that the brunette didn't even feel fall. Jane felt her cheek burning well after Maura had removed her hand.
"I'm still coming over tonight."
"Jane-"
"I'll sit on the step with my sleeping bag; no surprise home invasions on my watch."
Maura smiled sweetly at Jane. "Don't be silly, you can use my sleeping bag, it's much warmer."
Jane gasped and then laughed, hard. "Good one Maura."
"I'll leave the porch light on," Maura smiled as she slowly got out of her seat and left Jane alone in her office, still lightly laughing at her friend's rare humour.
Maura groaned tiredly as she dropped her bag and shoes just inside the door. Miss Etiquette from her childhood immediately screamed for her to put them away properly but she was just too tired to make the trek to her bedroom and reasoned that she could do it later.
Maura quickly poured herself a wine and sunk down into a chair at the island. Today had probably been the worst of her professional career. Now that everyone was aware of her relationship to Doyle it seemed like they were all walking on eggshells around her, treating her as though she may break whenever they mentioned the various people he had killed. She had spent the entire day studiously avoiding bout Cavanaugh and Jane. The first due to guilt, he father had killed his wife and baby. The latter due to... confusion. Of course Jane chose today to remind Maura of why she had grown so fond of the brunette in the first place. All day Jane had been using humour to elevate the tension, placing warm and comforting hands on Maura's shoulders whenever the two were forced near each other and basically just protecting her in a way that only Jane could. No, being Jane Rizzoli's best friend is certainly not a bad thing, Maura thought.
Maura slowly rose to her feet and grabbed one of Jane's beers from the fridge and her own sleeping bag from the closest. With a giddy smile she place both on her doorstep and closed the door, making sure to not lock it in case Jane decided to actually come inside. She had just returned to her wine when she heard a car pull up outside, soon followed by deep, familiar laughter at her front door. She waited, holding her breath, to see if Jane would enter. After a few silent minutes she let a large smile cover her face. Jane was giving her the peace she had asked for, even if it wasn't what the Italian wanted.
Maura was stirred from her thoughts when the side door opened and Angela Rizzoli stepped into the kitchen.
"Is that my daughter impersonating a homeless person on your front step?" Angela asked with good humour.
Maura smiled warmly. "She's worried about me."
Angela nodded. "I heard about... your father."
Maura winced.
"My daughter is very protective of those she cares about."
Maura nodded, unsure of how to reply.
"You know I love you like a daughter don't you?" At Maura's nod Angela continued. "You gave me somewhere to stay when the man that should have supported me left me for a blonde floozy. You have made me daughter happier and... kinder than I ever thought possible."
"Angela-"
"Which means," Angela continued through Maura's interruption, "That I am here whenever you need to talk. No judgement. I love you."
Maura felt her eyes become wet with tears. She hadn't realised how desperate she actually was to talk about what she was feeling until Angela offered her that opportunity. "I'm not used to feeling this..."
"What?" Angela prodded softly.
"Emotions."
"Sweetie," Angela leaned across the counter and took both in Maura's hands into her own.
"My parents were... distant. Not neglectful but not very present. I was always a lonely child until..."
"Until you met Janie."
Maura nodded. "I had science. I had facts. And then suddenly she came and I found myself with friends, family, a home... I was prepared and I'm worried that I've lost myself."
"Why?"
"I no longer come home every night and lose myself in my medical journals. I no longer feel anxious when I need to deal with people. Instead I find myself craving that human interaction, at peace when I come home and find Jane and her brothers drinking beers on my couch, happy during drinks at the Robber. My life has changed so much that I don't recognise it anymore."
"Is that a bad thing?"
Maura peered at Angela through her lashes, tilting her head and thinking deeply. "That's what Jane asked me. I guess... What happens when I lose her?"
"What makes you think you will?"
"Casey... Dean..."
"Those morons!" Angela growled.
Maura let herself chuckle lightly. "One day Jane will find someone to love her how she deserves and then I really will be going to the cinemas by myself again."
Angela smiled warmly. She knew that her daughter had already found that person and it was something Maura shouldn't concern herself with but that wasn't her place and that wasn't really the problem here. "I'm always up for a movie. As is Frankie, Tommy, Barry, Vince, Sean... You have more than just Jane."
Angela watched as Maura's eyes lit up, as if she had never actually considered that. Suddenly Maura dropped again, eyes becoming sad. "They are only my friends because of Jane."
"You think that they'd leave you if she did?"
Maura nodded.
Angela stepped around the counter and pulled Maura into a hug. "Mothers don't leave daughters, neither do brothers. You are family. With or without Jane." Hopefully with, Angela added silently.
All sadness seemed to leave Maura at that. She pulled Angela into another uncharacteristic hug before moving into the kitchen to make dinner.
"I'm just going to check on the homeless person before I head back to the guest house."
"Thank you Angela."
"Anytime Maura."
Jane looked up when she heard the door open and couldn't help the way her face fell when she saw it was her mother and not Maura.
"Hey Ma," She said, trying to look glad to see her.
"Not who you expected?"
Jane shrugged and took another pull of her beer as Angela sat down next to her.
"What are you doing?"
"Drinking beer?" Jane replied with a frown.
Angela waved away her response. "Sitting on Maura's step with a beer and sleeping bag. What's that about?"
Jane shrugged again. "Don't worry Ma, I'll be fine. We don't actually expect him to go after her, if we did there'd be uni's parked outside. This is more for my benefit. I don't think I could sleep wondering if she was OK."
Angela nodded wisely, showing she understood more than Jane was actually saying.
"I love Maura like a daughter you know."
Jane smiled. "Yeah Ma, I know."
"I care about her."
"I know."
"So when someone hurts her, it hurts me. Even when that person doing the hurting actually is my daughter."
Jane closed her eyes, trying to block out the guilt. "I know."
"She's a bit too forgiving. Considering how often she has been hurt."
"I know."
"I just spoke to her about it all."
Jane's eyes flew open and her head whipped to look at her mother. "Ma-"
"Before you accuse me of being nosy hear me out. She needed someone to talk to, a mother or a friend. So do you."
Jane grunted and quickly down the rest of her beer.
"What you're feeling... it's OK to feel those things Janie," Angela said softly and carefully.
Jane rubbed a hand angrily through her hair. "How can it be Ma? Jesus. We're Catholic. How can you sit here and tell me that it's OK to dream about your female best friend, that it's OK to want to touch her, that it's OK to feel like dying every time that you do. I could just sit all day and stare at her, listen to her. Her laugh, her Google-mouth. It's Maura Ma, this isn't OK."
"Janie it is-"
"Ma-"
"Listen Jane Clementine Rizzoli," Angela grabbed her daughter's face between her hands and held it tightly, forcing eye contact. "It is OK to feel this. Don't disappoint me by letting all the comments, all the teasing that I know you have dealt with daily your entire life take you over. You need to fight. If you don't you will lose that girl in there and you will lose yourself. I understand if you can't tell her how you feel but please don't hide from yourself any longer. You are my baby Jane Clementine Rizzoli. And you are gay."
Jane felt her heart and resolve shatter. She just let her head and her shoulders and all of her fight drop as she truly accepted those words. She felt an uncontrollable tidal-wave of tears and emotions force themselves out of her eyes as she clung to her mother.
For her part Angela clung just as tightly, stroking her hair and back and murmuring assurances into the top of her head.
After a life-time Jane finally pulled back and with a vulnerable strength she looked her mother straight in the eyes. "I am Jane Rizzoli and I am gay."
Angela nodded and pulled her into another, shorter hug. "And you love Maura."
"And I am in love with Maura."
Angela nodded, a smile reaching from ear to ear. "I will support you in anyway that you need."
"Thanks Ma."
"I love you baby."
"I love you too... Ma... Is it alright if... I just..."
"You need to be alone?"
Jane breathed out, deeply. "Yeah."
"No problems sweetie. Have a good night. Be safe."
Jane watched as Angela disappeared back into the house. She felt a smile slowly make its way to her face. She felt free and light, like all the weight from her entire life, from Hoyt, from Joey Grant, from Casey, from every single person who called her a dyke was gone. She could finally admit who she was. That happiness only doubled as she heard the door open behind her and finally saw the one person that she always wanted to be behind every door appeared.
End chapter 6 (the first half anyway).