A/N: Almost there. Only a couple more chapters :) Let me know what you think of this one :)
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...
Jane felt heavy. It felt like an elephant was sitting on her head. She felt blank. No thoughts seemed to be moving through her head, it was empty.
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...
It was loud, overwhelming, consuming... and familiar. So damn familiar. She tried to force her brain to connect that sound so a name but all she could focus on was the constant beeping and the black. Why was it so dark? There were no shapes, no light...
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...
So fucking familiar. Hospital. The realisation seemed to jolt her entire body. How many times in her life had she woken up in hospital? Even before she became a cop.
Heart monitor... it's only dark because my eyes are closed... the heavy feeling would be the sedative... why am I in hospital?
Jane tried to force her eyes open, hoping that there would be someone beside her bed to explain everything. Explain everything in a very logical and medical way in which she would have no understanding but god, that as long as she could hear that voice she would be ok.
"Maura..." Jane's mouth barely moved and the word wasn't even audible. "Maura," Jane tried again, trying to make the woman she knew would be beside her bed aware of the fact that she was waking up.
She felt the bed jostle and a slight sensation on her fingers. It felt wrong, both too tight and not tight enough. "Maura?" She said with hesitation this time.
"Oh sweetie, you're awake," A faint voice travelled to her, it sounded so far away.
That wasn't Maura. No. She wanted Maura. "Maura." Where is she?
"Frankie, get the doctor, she's waking up. Janie, honey I'm right here."
"Maura."
"She's waking up?" Another voice had entered Jane's mind. It sounded cold, controlled. Just like Maura when she was talking to her socialite acquaintances.
"Maura." Maybe this new voice knew Maura.
"Has she opened her eyes?" The voice asked.
"No. She just keeps saying M-," A sob cut off the first voice.
"Is she OK?" Another new voice asked. She knew this one... Frankie.
"She's been in a very deep coma; it will take some time for her to be completely lucid and conscious."
"Will she..." That first voice trailed off... That was Ma.
"Remember?" Asked that cool voice. "It's impossible to know. With injuries like this there is often short-term memory loss. Even if she did suffer from this it may return with time. Brain damage affects every person differently."
"I hope she never remembers." That was Frankie again.
"How do we tell her?" Her Ma.
"You should wait until she is completely lucid. Her body isn't yet stable enough to be able to survive the emotional toil that information may take," Said the cool voice.
What does that mean?
Jane tried to piece together everything she had heard but failed as her brain delved back into deep fog and her mind again became blank.
Open your eyes Jane, Jane coached herself as she felt herself awakening for the second time. Open your damn eyes and look for Maura. She is there, just open your goddamn eyes.
It worked. With the strength of a Rizzoli Jane forced her eyes open. It wasn't much but it was enough to feel the sharp pain of light enter her pupils.
Good Jane. Good start. Do it again.
Slowly and with effort Jane's eyes slide open. Everything was too bright and too foggy.
Blink. Blink. Good. Better. Blink. Blink.
The room came into focus. There were white sheets, small TV, plain walls, lots of flowers and cards, machines - a hospital. Jane looked to her left. Her mother was clutching her hand and was sleeping half in the chair, half on the bed. Frankie was on the floor between the door and her mother. Jane looked to her left. There. A small lump hidden under a blanket in the other chair in the room. Jane couldn't see a face or hair but she knew it was Maura, it had to be, Maura wouldn't leave her in hospital alone. Well... not alone, her mother and brother were there... but since they became friends Maura had always stood vigil during her hospital visits.
"Maura." Her throat was quiet and scratchy from disuse.
Jane swallowed, wincing as she felt how dry and cottony her mouth was. She coughed, trying to clear it.
"Maura," She tried again. It was louder but the lump still didn't move. She bit her lip and with all of her limited energy, "Maura!"
That had the intended effect.
In the corner of her eye she saw Frankie jolt upright and she felt her mother sit up but she didn't turn away, her eyes focused on the lump as it pulled the blanket down.
"Tommy?" Jane gasped.
No. No. No. No. Where's Maura?
"Hey Janie," Tommy smiled as he moved closer to the bed.
Jane turned her wide eyes on her mother. Her mother had been crying. A lot. "Maura?" Jane asked.
Angela winced and dropped her head.
Jane focused her eyes on Frankie this time. She could read Frankie almost as well as she could read Maura. "Where's Maura?"
Frankie swallowed audibly, his eyes darting around the room and anywhere but Jane, eventually settling on one of the many cards by the window.
Jane followed his focus, looking at the same card.
Deepest sympathies for your loss.
"What loss?" She asked out loud, her voice much clearer but her brain still moving slowly. "What loss?" She asked again, desperate, when no one answered her.
She looked at every person in that room. They were crying. All of them. She was fine, she was awake and talking. Why would they be crying? They weren't just crying though... they looked defeated, ruined, as if someone they loved had died. Tommy. Frankie. Ma. Who could have died that would hurt them all in this way? Other than Jane who did they have in common?
Deepest sympathies for your loss.
The card was on HER window sill. In HER hospital room. It was HER loss. Other than the people in the room she only had one person that would be 'her loss'.
No. No. No. NO!
Jane's eyes flew around the room, looking for an overly expensive jacket, a designer purse, too high heels... nothing... she wasn't here.
"Maura?"
If she wasn't sure her mother's face confirmed it.
Jane gasped. Her heart shattered. And then her throat closed.
Beep-beep-beep-beep.
That's my heart. I can't breathe.
Jane clawed at her throat and chest, trying to force her body to start working.
Spots filled her eyes. She could see blurry white figures rush into the room. Then she saw nothing as her eyes rolled back and she collapsed.
Jane felt like she was out of her body. She had fallen into what could only be hell. There was no time here. There was no joy. All she could feel was pain, her heart was being ripped from her chest. She floated in the darkness as she watched the same scene play over and over. She watched Maura beg her to leave. She watched herself say no. She watched Maura cry and go. She watched Dean distract her. She watched herself run to the cafe and then run outside. And then she watched Maura explode and it started again. Over and over. No change. And her heart was ripped out of her chest every time.
Jane felt herself being pulled back into consciousness just as the images started again at the beginning.
No.
She didn't want to leave. She knew that Maura was dead and no matter the pain it was causing, at least in this place would could see her, be with her. Jane focused on Maura, knowing this would be the last time she would see more than pictures. This time, when Dean distracted the other Jane she focused on Maura, wanting to burn every detail she could into her memory. Every step, every movement. Every step and movement as she walked to Cavanaugh's office and slid an envelope under the door? What was that?
"Maura," was the first thing she said as she came to for the third time.
Jane sat on her couch, bottle in hand. Empty bottle in hand. She'd been in the hospital for two weeks. They'd released her in time for Maura's funeral. She hadn't gone. She'd mixed her pain meds with a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and passed out on her kitchen floor. She knew she should feel guilty for missing her best friends funeral but she couldn't... the daily bottle of rum was certainly helping.
She'd been out of hospital for a week and was set to return to work the next day, desk duty only. She knew it was too early. Cavanaugh, Frost and Korsak new it was too early. Her Ma had certainly made her point that it was too early. But everyone knew that she needed it. She had nothing else but work at this point. No one had told her the details, no one had needed to. She knew was responsible for this. It may have been a flunkie of Callaghan's that threw the bomb but it was Doyle who had given them reason to. Doyle had killed her soul mate and she would kill him. Starting tomorrow.
Jane felt her head droop. Maybe she shouldn't have had the JD and pain meds today.
Jane stared at her reflection in the elevator. Her hair hadn't been brushed in at least 3 weeks. Her clothes weren't ironed and were most likely still dirty. Yep, there was a coffee stain down the front. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide with deep purple bags. Her face was pale and thin, bones sticking out unhealthily. Her belt was three notches tighter and her clothes were baggy. She looked every bit the ruined woman.
She tried to ignore the stares and whispers as she made her way to the desk. She focused her eyes ahead, determined not to let the voices in. It worked... until she saw the murder board. All the pictures of mobsters had been taken down. All the notes and comments were removed. There was only one thing on that board. A picture of Maura. Jane recognised it immediately. It had been taken by Frost one night at the Robber. Maura had been laughing at something Jane had said and Frost had snapped it. It was one of Jane's favourites.
"Shit Janie, I'm sorry," Korsak grunted from behind her, quickly standing and moving to pull it down.
"No!" Jane snapped, reaching out a hand to stop him. "Leave it."
Korsak nodded and moved back to his desk, eyes focused on Jane.
"Alright. What have we got?" She asked.
It was the right words, but it was nowhere near the same.
A/N: Glad I got this one out, less of a cliffhanger than the last. As I said: I will have no internet until next Saturday. Maybe I'll have some fabulous reviews to read when I finally get it back :) Love you all.