Chapter 4

Sorry for not updating in a while. My dad was in town and I didn't have access to my computer at home, which this chapter was written on. But on the bright side, he got me a laptop, so I wrote three chapters in three days! Now I should probably be able to update every two to three days.

Four P.O.V.

Four…

Five…

Seven…

Nine…

Still no answer. After nine calls, she still won't pick up the goddamn phone.

One the last phone call, I leave a voicemail, unlike the other calls.

"Tris. Please just… just pick up the phone. We need to talk, whether you like it or not."

I sigh as I toss my phone back on my bed. I put my hands in my hair and fall back onto the plush mattress.

She knows. She knows that I'm still in love with her. She knows about the plan. And worst of all, she knows that I lied. She knows that I lied about still being just friends. And then there's the fact that she's mad that I'm not the old me. I don't want to be the old me because I was too much of a coward to do anything about Tris. And when I finally did, she didn't like me back. And now, even though I'm more confident and good-looking, she still doesn't like me.

That's why I had to leave. Not because she didn't like me. Because I was never good enough for her nor Marcus. Because I never belonged. I needed to find out who I really was.

Which, in fact, I have. I'm the guy who's a jerk on the outside and a mushy, fat, caring, gentle guy on the inside. Much like a cactus. If I could just have both… a little bit of a tough guy around others, but still a little polite. Then around Tris I'd just be Tobias. No tough guy persona. No fake me. No phony Four facade.

Or I could stop talking to Tris all together.

But that's obviously not an option. Maybe I just need to try to stop loving her…? Ha. Like I'll actually be able to do that, but I can at least try. It can't be that hard. It's just Tris. She's just an old high school friend from when we were kids. We were young. We were stupid and naïve. After being apart from her for five years and only seeing her three times since I moved back, how could I possibly still be in love with her? I've never said those words to anybody else, but that doesn't change the fact that when I snap my fingers I won't just stop loving her.

Then I realize: that's not how love works. Love isn't when one has a strange want for someone, so they need them. Love is when one loves someone simply because of their personality, smile, intelligence, kindness… so many more things that Tris has within that others rarely utilize.

So, no, I guess I can't just stop loving her, because if I weren't really in love with her, I wouldn't be in this much distress. If weren't in love with her, I'd be out drinking. If I weren't in love with her, I'd be at the gym. If weren't in love with her, I wouldn't be in such disarray right now. If I weren't in love with her, I wouldn't be answering the phone next to me.

I quickly snatch it and look at the caller ID.

"Tris," I breathe.

"Um, yeah. You're voice sounds deeper than usual. Did you get much sleep last night?" she asks, ignoring the fact that we're supposed to be mad at each other.

"No, actually. There happened to be a girl knocking on my door at one A.M. needing me to fix her almost-broken nose. Then we got into an excessively overdone fight about me being a douche. Which she was right."

I hear nothing over the line but a bit of crinkling. "Tobias." She pauses. "I was trying to play that off coolly." I can tell she is vaguely smiling.

"Oh. Um… Yeah, not much sleep last night. I was just up thinking for awhile." I pause. "How was that? Did I do okay?"

"Fantastic."

I take a deep breath. "You know we have to talk about it sometime, right?"

"We could." Silence. "Orrrr we could stay here talking to each other all night like we did back in the good old days. Your choice."

"…So," I say in my soft fat-boy voice, "How were you today, Bea?"

"Oh my gosh, Tobias. You sound just like your old self." Tris giggles. "It was… okay. Just a lot of homework with school... how about you?"

"Pretty horrible. I kept on thinking about this girl."

"Ohhh, Tobias likes someone! Document this day in history! Who is it, huh?" she asks eagerly, as if she knows I'm about to say it's her.

"You, Tris. Who else?" I sigh.

She copies. "You and I… We should just be friends. We've always been like that. Don't you think we're guaranteed to last forever if we stay friends? Hypothetically, if we broke up, and we were a hypothetical couple, what do you hypothetically think would happen? Do you really think we'd still talk? Remember, this is all hypothetical, Tobias."

I almost laugh at her use of that word. "I think we'd still talk, but in this hypothetical universe, I wouldn't let you slip away from me that easily, because when you're—hypothetically—ready give me a chance, I'll have my arms open. I'm willing to wait as long as you need. Hypothetically."

She doesn't say anything. Then, "What if you'll be left waiting for the rest of your life?" she asks quietly.

"If you don't love me then I simply won't be loved. If I don't love you I will not love. I know that you're not in love with me, and that's okay, but I just need to know whether or not you love me in any way, shape, or form, because any kind is better than nothing. I just don't want to lose you, Tris."

"Tobias," she croaks, "of course I love you. I think we… I think we should just stay friends though. For now. Please… Just… for now. For me, Tobias," she whispers.

"Of course, Tris. Things won't be awkward though, will they?" I ask nervously.

"What will be awkward?" she asks with a laugh. "Listen, I've, uh, gotta go. Alright? Love you."

"Yeah. Love you," I say, clicking the red button.

Tris P.O.V.

"Listen, I've, uh, gotta go. Alright? Love you," I say with a sniffle that I hope Tobias can't hear.

"Yeah. Love you," he says, and then the line goes dead.

I sit with my arms wrapped around my legs and my head on my knees.

"Tris, what happened, are you alright? It couldn't have been that bad," says Uriah as sits across from me on my bed.

"No." I smile as the tears slowly drip down my face. "It went well. Really well, actually. But Tobias is in love with me… and told me he wouldn't love anybody else and that if I don't love him he won't be loved. I feel like awful for not wanting to be with him yet. I mean, yeah, I love him, but not quite like that yet. I don't know. Maybe one day. I just don't want to ruin our friendship, you know?"

Uriah nods and grabs my hands. "I do know, because that was exactly I felt when I was asking Marlene out. Next thing you know I was kissing her at her doorstep. But you need to ask yourself whether or not you actually like him."

"I mean of course I love him, but, just not like that… yet. I think I should wait a little longer, you know? I mean he's been here for, what?—five days?—and he expects me to already jump into his arms? I barely know the new him. He's changed a lot. I want to get to know him better as a friend before I do something I regret. If that makes sense. Does that make sense?" I look up at Uriah for the first time.

He nods. "Of course it does, Tris. Just tell him that. I think that as long as you two are friends, he'll be happy. He really does love you. In both ways. So when you think you're done getting to know him and you like who he is, call him, and then make out with him." He winks and gets up.

My jaw is dropped, trying to fight back a smile. I punch him in the arm.

"Alright, I'm not sorry, Trissy, but I have to go to work. I'm working the evening-night shift at the YMCA. I don't think I'm supposed to be talking to Four since he's 'the enemy,' as my manager calls him. He'll probably start taking some of our business, but whatever. I get paid all the same." He smiles.

"Okay, bye." I wave.

"Bye, Trissy!" he shouts as he walks out the door.

I have nothing to do now. Fun.

It's only 6:00 right now, so I decide to go get a haircut after this whole… event. I need something new.

I slip on some shoes and head through the dark back alleyway of my apartment.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.

That lyric is surprisingly accurate to most people who throw their lives away whether it's voluntary or not. For a few months just after I turned nineteen, I started excessively drinking… And one night it got out of hand.

Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long that even my mama thinks that my mind is gone.

That night, I'd gotten really drunk at party, and next thing I knew I woke up at the hospital, and my mom was holding my hand.

Too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams.

For the longest time, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I figured everything would work itself out, just like the movies. So I got a job at the bar. Ironically enough, I stopped drinking just after.

Death ain't nothin' but heartbeat away.

I could have ended my life when I was struggling with my addiction in one second. One heartbeat.

I'm livin' life, do or die, what can I say?

I lived my life back then without a care in the world when I was drinking. I only had that day once, why would I waste it?

I'm 23 now but will I live to see 24?

I didn't know. I'm 23 now, but I sure as hell am going to see 24.

The way things are going, I don't know.

I didn't know that, either. I honestly didn't. I had everything, every little detail, planned out for never seeing 20.

Tell me, why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?

I thought I was living life the way any other would at 19. I thought my life was going great. But I was just hurting myself. And others. Zeke and Shauna tried to continuously help me, and they didn't give up, especially after that night. I clung to them like a small child would to their mother. They were my rock for the longest time. They were so disappointed in me for making the choices I'd made, but they were happy to help when I voluntarily wanted to stop.

I've had my hair the same for my whole life. Long and blonde.

I need to forget about the past.

After the next hour or two, my hair ends up being at the top of my neck, and then as it gets towards the front, it gets longer so it's angled. In the front it reaches to the top of my breasts. After my hair got cut, at the bottom tips I got light purple put in.

This isn't Tris or Bea. This is Prior. Prior isn't the same girl as Tris or Bea. Given, Tris is better than Bea, but Prior is stronger than both. Bea was the sweet, loving, overly nice girl, and Tris was the alcoholic. Prior is strong, but still thoughtful. Maybe I'm glad that I've changed. Maybe I'm not the same girl as I used to be.

And maybe I'm okay with that.