Looking For Space

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dean, Sam or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

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CHAPTER 8: Kindred Spirits

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Let brotherly love continue.

~ Hebrews 13:1

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The drive back to the hotel, Caleb couldn't get Dean's cut lip, his bruised jaw out of his head, couldn't believe his hand had done that damage to Dean. That he had hurt someone that he loved as fiercely as he did Dean. Because he what?! Flipped out when he thought Dean had died, or worse, when Dean acted like Caleb would be glad if he did die, would relish getting some kind of reward. Yes, Caleb had reacted out of anger, but mostly out of something more terrifying than fear: love. Did that mean he loved Dean too much?! Could and would justify any actions he took to not lose him?

'Even hitting him?'

Caleb's one foster father, hadn't he claimed the same?! That he cared about him enough to not spare the rod, said that as he beat the crap out of him. Hurt him in order to save him, because he valued him. 'Who's the monster now?!' Caleb screamed at himself, slamming his fist against the steering wheel. His psychic thing, that could make him a monster, if it was misused, abused, he fought against that every day but this, love making him go darkside, that wasn't something he guarded against. 'Yeah, and today you crossed the monster line on both counts when you mentally hurt Dean to stop him from going on the bridge.'

Maybe Dean was right, maybe the best thing he could do for him was to leave him alone. Drop out of his life, once this was all over, so he never risked hurting him again. But even as he thought it, Caleb knew he couldn't go through with it. Dean was his brother, in all ways but blood. He'd never survive severing their ties, of carving out three fourths of his heart, the part Dean resided in. Wouldn't be enough of himself left to salvage. 'Selfish, Reaves. Real selfish.' But like Mac told him time and again, he was a survivor …and that meant he clung onto the good in his life with everything he had.

So he couldn't lose Dean, he just couldn't.

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Mackland didn't need to ask if Caleb had made any headway with Dean, could read his son's despair the second he laid eyes on him. So he didn't admonish his son when he headed for the cash bar, made his selection and sank onto the end of his bed.

Taking a seat beside him, Mac watched his son swallow down half the little bottle of alcohol, silently took the bottle from his son…and finished it off. He would have laughed at his son's stunned expression, if he didn't feel as miserable as Caleb. "At least when I was trying to earn your trust, you gave me an opening here and there to see behind your wall and you weren't being self-destructive. But Dean…."

"Is shut off in ways I never was, never had to be," Caleb reasoned, felt almost guilty for not being as emotionally scarred as his best friend.

Sensing that guilt, Mac put a hand on his son's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Caleb, we each handle emotional traumas in different ways. I found a way past your pain…we just have to find a way past Dean's."

"Pain," Caleb quietly repeated. "I'm the one hurting him. I hit him after his motorcycle stunt and I …I tried to stop him from going on the hand bridge…" Here he looked to his father, confessed what he hadn't before, "by psychically connecting with him….hurting him."

Mac's face blanched. "Oh, son."

Cringing under Mac's disapproval, Caleb surged to his feet, paced away. "I'm just like him," he raged, wanting to throw the chair, smash the tv, probably would have if his father wasn't there, making him responsible for his actions.

Chastising himself for passing judgment on his son, Mac made sure his inquiry was quiet, indulgent, "Like who?"

"My Dad, my real one," Caleb spat, spinning to face his adopted father, his eyes just daring Mac to deny what he had to accept, they both had to accept.

That startling statement had Mac coming to his feet, grabbing onto his son's shoulders. "Caleb, whatever comparisons you're making…."

"He wasn't strong enough to not kill my mom. And I…I wasn't strong enough to not hurt Dean. And I wasn't even frigging possessed at the time!" he shouted, pushing Mac away as he stalked for the door, couldn't stay but found he didn't want to go through the door either, to be alone. His back to Mac, he choked out, "Dean's the last person…"But then his words caught in his throat and he spun to face the man he fiercely loved as a father. "I mean…I wouldn't ever want to hurt you …or anyone in our group but…"

Mac nodded in total understanding. "Dean's special to you. I know that, son."

Mac's forgiveness, it was almost Caleb's undoing. It took him a while before he could speak. "Dean's got enough pain and scars, physical and emotional, he sure didn't need more…didn't need another person he loves to betray him. Me especially."

"Caleb, Dean's…."

Caleb ruthlessly cut across his father's excuse. "Don't you dare say he's strong! I know how strong he is but he's only fifteen years old! He shouldn't have to be strong, shouldn't be nursing bruises and a cut lip from someone he trusted."

Mackland opened his mouth but didn't know the words to say, how to undo the harm that had been done, not only to Dean but to Caleb as well. Because some actions, they couldn't be wiped away with words.

Retreating until his back came up against the hotel room door, Caleb slid down to sit on the floor. He raised anguished eyes to his father. "He'll never forgive me. I…I blew it. Everything we had, what he was to me." He bowed his head, bracketed his hands behind his neck. "I wasn't meant to have a little brother and I should have never…" he shook his head and when he spoke again, his voice cracked apart, "tried to make Dean play that part. It was so selfish of me."

Caleb startled as a hand fell onto his drawn up knees, as he saw his father was crouching in front of him, his eyes pained and offering him compassion. "Selfish?! Caleb, it was the most selfless thing you ever could have done. You've been hurt too, son. In a lot of the same ways Dean has and that's why you've always been able to reach Dean when none of the rest of us could. He lets you see his pain when he'd never show John…or Sammy. He knows he doesn't have to be the perfect son or the perfect brother, can be himself, can be vulnerable with you because he knows you won't exploit it. And that's something he treasures, Caleb. Even through all this, you're still the one he opens up to. All I could get out of him was his granite wall of invincibility, but the second you joined me at the motel door, he sparked with emotions, with life."

Reaching out, Mac cupped his son's face. "I know things seem hopeless, that you've done things you wish you hadn't but cutting yourself off from Dean, from someone you love like a brother, who you've protected with your own life, that's not going to help Dean. Or you. If I walked away from you the first time I hurt you with some thoughtless words about family, you would have been back in foster care the first week I had you."

That muted Caleb's protest.

"If we bailed on family the second we hurt each other, no family would stay together. But family is about caring enough to stick around, to be humble enough to say sorry, to love someone enough to heal the hurts we cause or someone else caused. And Dean's got family here, with you. With me. But I..I'm the unapproachable uncle, but you're his brother, Caleb. A brother he knows loves him, regardless of all the stuff that's gone on between you two. And he needs you, not John, not Sammy, right now. Because he is hurting, because he is lost and he's seeing if anyone notices or cares if he's gone. And you've noticed, you've cared. You've unmistakably protested his reckless actions," Mac said with a little chuckle and Caleb couldn't believe he gave a half sob, half chuckle back at Mac's reference to him hurting Dean.

"Yeah, his face is proof of my protest." Then he pulled his Father into his arms and hugged him hard. "Thanks for never giving up on me."

"Best decision I ever made," Mac replied, before he let Caleb retreat back from him. Noticed something for the first time as his son ran his hand through his hair. "Caleb, where's your ring?"

Caleb rubbed the space on his finger where his ring should be. "Took it off…." But then he sighed, confessed as he met his father's gaze. "Left it with Dean."

And because Mackland was super smart, it took him less than five seconds to make the connection. "To prove to Dean that you're choosing him over the Brotherhood."

Caleb nodded, didn't know how Mac would feel about that choice but his father's face didn't contort into a scowl but expressed pride in him. "I introduced you into the Brotherhood to give you a family, to give you a place to be yourself, to use your gifts. Dean's given you all that, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he has," Caleb admitted. "If push comes to shove, I'm always going to choose him over the Brotherhood. I'm sorry if that …"

"Don't be sorry, Caleb. Be proud…like I am of you," Mac declared.

"I just want Dean to be ok, that's all I want."

"I know, Son. I know." And as much as Mackland wanted to promise Caleb everything would be ok, that Dean would make the right choice, that things wouldn't get worse, he didn't. Had learned a long time ago when he was just a resident doctor that it only caused more pain when you made promises that were out of your hands to keep.

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TBC

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Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.