Looking For Space

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dean, Sam or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

SNBROSSNBROSSNBROSSNBROSSN

CHAPTER 9: Save Me from Myself

SNBROSSNBROSSNBROSSNBROSSN

Do thyself no harm.

~ Acts 16:28

SNBROSSNOBROSSN

Dean had slept like crap and it had nothing to do with the aches and pains of his fall the other day, or even what his guidance counselor had said about him not deserving to be hurt and if someone was hurting him, he should tell him so he could stop them, had gone as far as promise to make him 'safe'. As if the guy had a chance in a billion of granting that wish, had a single clue what Dean needed saved from.

No, all that crap he could suppress. After all, he had done it the last eleven years of his life.

But the friggin' ring…Damien's ring. Wait, no, Caleb's ring, because 'Damien' was an endearment and 'Caleb' wasn't. That ring, the one on his nightstand, the one Dean paced around last night until he hesitantly picked it up like he thought he'd get struck dead touching a ring he had yet to earn. A symbol of bravery and unity, valor and fearlessness, of brotherhood. A ring Caleb never took off. Ever.

'Until last night,' Dean corrected, reaching out from under the bedcovers and spinning the ring on the nightstand. He watched as the silver glinted in the sunlight peeking through the room's curtains. Wanted so badly to believe Caleb leaving the ring behind meant something, something good not bad. That Damien…Caleb wasn't saying, 'screw you and the whole Brotherhood' but something else entirely like 'I choose you over the Brotherhood.'

'But that's lame and stupid and so not what Caleb meant,' Dean chided himself, slapping at the spinning ring and sending it pinging onto the floor. Then he sat up, grabbed the phone from the cradle and called Jason. He wanted an adrenaline rush to shut out the thousand thoughts bombarding him, wanted clarity and freedom. Wanted to forget who he was, what he was: a brother, a son, a friend…a hunter.

So when Jason answered the phone he taunted his fellow junior hunter with "So, are we taking it to the next level or do things get boring from here?"

Sounding groggy with sleep, Jason slurred, "Dean? Crap, it's like a school day…and barely daybreak."

"Danger waits for no man," Dean crowed.

Jason chuckled at his friend's enthusiasm. "Yeah, ok. There's been something I've been working on for the past month or so. I'll pick you up in two hours."

"You know where to find me." Then Dean hung up the phone, almost stumbled into the table when a spasm of pain shot up his leg when he stood up. Rubbing his thigh, he limped toward the bathroom, hoped the warm water of a shower might loosen some of his stiff muscles.

The shower, however, wasn't the miracle cure he needed. He had stood under the spray and winced as it peppered his back, which, by the bathroom mirror, he could see was one big bruise from his shoulder blades down to his butt. And exiting the bathroom to see the phone message light blinking wasn't improving his day. He told himself that he didn't care who it was or what they wanted.

But a little voice in his head pestered him. 'What if it's Sam?'

He ruthlessly shot down his affection for his brother. 'Sam, the brother who ditched you on your watch, had Dad furious with you, who was pissed you helped Dad find him, refused to give you whatever package he mailed to you?' And that last was just icing on the cake, that he had gotten a box in the mail with an Arizona postage stamp and Sam had ripped it out of his hands with a venomous, "You suck. I don't want you to have this."

So yeah, Dean was passing on listening to his brother tell him all over again how much he hated him. 'And if it's Dad….Screw him for sending me on a hunt that he probably told Caleb to use me as bait.'

His journey to his jacket had him crossing paths with Caleb's ring on the floor. Swiping it off the ground, he stomped to the trash can. His hand hovered over the bin but he just couldn't release the ring into the depths, instead he pocketed it. Snagging the hex bag on a string off the table, he slid it over his head, was about to slip on his amulet before he remembered how much Sam sucked at the moment. He retracted his hand, let the amulet lay discarded on the table and headed out the door, didn't want to stay in the stuffy confines of the room any longer than he had to.

SNBROSSNBROSSN

"Man, you're walking like you're ninety," Jason greeted as Dean lumbered into the passenger side of his truck.

"Let's just say I have a new appreciation for Tarzan's vine swinging talent," Dean quipped.

But Jason was inspecting his passenger instead of putting his pickup in gear. "You sure you wanna do this today? We can put it off to the weekend."

Dean felt he'd explode if he didn't let off some steam. "Long as it doesn't involve running, I'll be fine."

"No running…..just nerves of steel," Jason promised with a brassy smile.

"Then lead on," Dean grinned back.

SNBROSSNBROSSN

It took a little lockpickery to get through the two locked gates but by the time Jason pulled his pickup truck to a stop in the Aerial Tram parking lot, Dean knew the place wasn't just empty because it was off season. The locked gates along the road, the broken signs advertising 'Historic Aerial Tram' and the pockmarked and very empty parking lot spelled abandoned, with a capital A.

Following Jason out of the truck, Dean walked across the parking lot and they stood shoulder to shoulder at the edge, a steep decline of thick forested mountain and overgrown hiking paths dropping below them. Jason turned and pointed to the tram terminal building to their right and moved his finger down to follow the direction of the aerial cables that were overhead and spanned the whole way down the mountain to a matching terminal building at its base. "Come on!" he bid as he jumped over a row of chains across the walkway. Dean mimicked his actions with less agility and a grimace of pain.

Reaching the terminal, Jason made quick work of picking the lock then swung the door open and smiled at Dean like he was welcoming him into his own private amusement park. Stepping by Jason, Dean whistled at the sight of a tram car sitting there like its last passengers had debarked an hour ago. Dean ran his hand over the car's paneling, "She's still in good shape."

"Yup. And I've been rerouting some power for the controls," Jason said, flipping a switch on a control panel and the lights in the terminal hummed on. Flipping another switch and the electric motor that provided propulsion for the tram cables sputtered to life. One more button had the bay doors opening in front the tram, showcasing the magnificent view and the twin cables that made a diagonal journey down the mountain, sometimes hundreds of feet above the tree tops with a few pylons along its expansion.

Eyeing up the cables and tracing them back to the tram car and the pulley boxes, Dean remarked, "Cables look a little rusty. Whole pulley box looks corroded. You really think she'll move?"

With a cocky smile, Jason challenged, "One way to find out."

But it wasn't Dean who made a comeback. "Yeah, not happening," Caleb acidly decreed.

Both boys turned to see the older hunter leaning in the doorway, his stance projecting calm but Dean knew better, sensed the tension in his ex-best friend from across the room.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Killjoy himself," Dean drawled, leaning against the tram car because two could play at the Joe Cool game.

Abandoning his leaning stance, Caleb stepped into the building. "Funny you should say "kill" because that's what you're about to do: kill yourselves!" his voice rising from sardonic to outraged.

Apparently it was Jason's turn to be a smart aleck. "You got no sense of adventure, Reaves," Jason sneered.

Pointing menacingly at Jason, Caleb commanded, "You shut up!" stepping toward the younger hunter, still held the punk to blame for Dean's actions.

Slipping between Caleb and Jason, Dean snapped, "Leave him out of this, Caleb. You wanna hit someone, you stick with making me your punching bag."

Refusing to back down at Dean's innuendo, Caleb instead took a step closer, his eyes boring into Jason's. "No, you know what, I'm going to take your little friend and beat the crap out of him," then he dropped his eyes to Dean to make his point, "if you don't listen to what I have to say."

When Dean's chin came up in defiant challenge, Caleb started to skirt around Dean. Jason, for his part, was smart enough to start retreating.

Fearing that Caleb's threat wasn't a bluff, Dean grabbed Caleb's forearm, held the older man back from reaching his friend. "Fine. Say what you came here to say then leave."

"Outside," Caleb growled with a jerk of his head before he walked out the door, paced until Dean made his appearance.

Once outside, Dean kept his distance, circled when Caleb shifted, like Caleb was a fugly that had him in his sights, though Dean knew it wasn't an attack he had to be wary of but an ambush. He didn't put it past Caleb, in the mood he was in, to knock him out, throw him over his shoulder and stuff him in his Jeep. What he wasn't prepared for was Caleb's next words to not be threats but a raw apology.

"You don't know how badly I want to take back what I did on the hunt and…and since," Caleb earnestly declared, needed to start letting things out instead of bottling them up. To be the one not cut off from his emotions, to be the one risking everything for someone that he loved.

But Dean recovered from his shock at Caleb's unexpected tactic quick enough, countered it with contempt. "We all have things we want to undo. I want my Mom not to be dead, my Dad to give a crap about me, my brother to want to stay with me and to wake up in the morning and, just once, not have to worry about screwing up so badly that someone dies. But I don't get to have any of that."

Dean's words hit Caleb hard, had him swallowing down his emotions because Dean wasn't all wrong and he couldn't change that for the younger man, no matter what he ever did. "I know."

It wasn't a retort Dean knew how to counter so he paced away, before turning back to Reaves. Shaking the mojo bag dangling at his chest, he demanded, "How'd you find me because it wasn't through any mind meld, not with me wearing this."

"Magnum PI style," Caleb answered, smiling a little at his and Dean's joke about Mac looking like the tv show detective.

"You followed us, huh. Not bad, Higgins," Dean shot back, forgetting for the moment that he didn't want to share inside jokes with Caleb anymore. Remembered as soon as Caleb took a step toward him with a smile like they were buddies again. He raised his hand, halting Caleb's intentions to breach his personal space bubble. "What, you think one inside joke and we're good?! Because we're not."

"I know we're not," Caleb somberly acknowledged but refused to give up the ground he had covered getting closer to Dean. "Just…see things from my perspective, Deuce! I'm hardwired to annihilate anyone who hurts you but lately, I'm the one hurting you and you're hurting yourself!" waving his hand to indicating Dean's limp and the bruises and cuts on his face. "And I … I don't…I don't know what to do, how to…to channel all this fear, and anger at myself for hitting you, at you for doing all this crazy reckless crap." He had to stop to draw in a breath before he could continue. "Tell me what I should do, what I should say to stop all this, to stop you from getting in that tram?"

"Nothing. There's nothing you can say." Then Dean went to walk back into the terminal building but Caleb stepped into his path, held his arms out to block him.

Figuring that his wishes didn't matter, Caleb switched gears. "Sam and your Dad wouldn't…."

"Why can't it just be about me?!" Dean shouted, knocking Caleb's hand when it got too close to touching him. "Not what Dad wants or Sam wants or what Mom deserves! What about what I deserve!?"

And Caleb's breath caught because it was the first time he'd ever heard his friend demand something for himself, to not give everything he had to his family, to the hunt. It would be a good turning point if what Dean decided he wanted for himself wasn't a one way ticket to an early grave. Keeping his tone level, Caleb vowed, "I'm here for you, Deuce. Only for you. The only one I came here to save is you."

"I don't need your protection, Damien! Who gives a crap if I'm the Knight's son. I know I don't!"

"I'm not here as a member of the Brotherhood …or a hunter. I gave up the ring, I chose my sides," Caleb said but knew he had to say the rest, had to make sure Dean understood how far he was willing to go. "Dean, I chose you."

"What?!" Dean incredulously shot back, skittering back when Reaves made to reach for him. "No, you…you're playing with me." Digging the ring out of his pocket, he held it out to Reaves. "Take your frigging ring and leave. Try your psychological bullcrap on someone else."

Caleb felt a surge of frustration, didn't understand how his good intentions were getting him nowhere. Knew he shouldn't be shouting back but couldn't calm down enough to do anything else. "Why is it so unbelievable that I'd choose you over the Brotherhood? How many times have I risked my life to save yours?! You know why I call you Deuce?! You're my little brother in every way that counts?!"

"Yeah, and Sam's mine and he ran away, from me!" Dean nearly screamed before he growled, "So don't tell me how love conquers all or family forgives anything or….any of that Hallmark crap that has never applied to my life."

Pierced by Dean's pain, Caleb felt his eyes welling, knew that they had reached the heart of what was prompting Dean's reckless actions and yet, he didn't know how to make it all better. "Ok, I can't refute that but Dean, you have people who love you, who would die…and kill to keep you safe. Me, your dad, Sammy, Mac, Pastor Jim, Bobby."

"Safe?" Dean bitterly parroted back. "I've broken more bones, had more bruises and overnighted it in more hospitals than a combat vet sees in five tours. So excuse me if I think you're all doing a piss poor job of keeping me "safe.""

But Caleb wasn't backing down. "Well, you're doing a worse job!" he bellowed, hadn't been able to ignore the stiff way Dean moved, the pronounced limp or the dulled sheen of his friend's eyes, signs of the pain Dean was in.

Dean offered up a brazen smile to Caleb's criticism. "Who said I wanted to be safe? Safe is boring."

"Boring?!" Caleb gritted out between his clenched teeth. "Don't try and tell me these stunts are out of boredom. This goes well beyond getting an adrenaline rush."

"Oh great professor, tell me my true motives," Dean goaded. When Caleb paled and ran a hand over his face, Dean gave a humorless chuckle. "Rrrriiight. It's ok to try and head shrink me as long as I don't call you on your bullcrap."

Emotionally strung out, Caleb felt his walls coming down, crumbling under the strain of talking Dean off the ledge, of being terrified he couldn't accomplish that. It made him bluntly deduce, "You want to hurt yourself. Hurt me…Sammy, John."

"Hurt myself?" Dean disbelievingly repeated. "What, you think this is my version of cutting, that I'm crying out for help?!" he derogatorily challenged.

Caleb exasperatedly swiped away a tear tracking down his cheek. "No, you don't want help."

"That's right, I don't want it and I don't need it!" Dean growled in Caleb's face, went so far as to shove the older hunter and Caleb let him, let him walk by him before he spoke.

"I'm begging you not to do this, Dean," Caleb beseeched, turning around to face Dean's back as the younger man stopped on the door's threshold. "You don't have to do this to prove anything. You're the bravest person I know…I don't need any daredevil stunt to tell me that….and neither does your Dad or Sam."

Dean swiveled around. "You just don't get it. I don't have to do it…I want to. I risk my life on hunts all the time, why can't I risk my life on my own terms?!"

"Because hunting is a calculated risk, with plans and back up and weapons and …and we're saving people. But this…" Caleb flung his hand out toward the tram. "This isn't worth you getting a darn scratch on you, let alone dying?! And if this is about wanting to quit hunting…then just do that. Mac will set you up at my old school and…."

"What fairy tale are you telling yourself?! Dad will never let me go. He dragged Sam back ..and he'd drag me back. I know how my story ends, how it will always end." But Dean broke off, hadn't meant to say any of that aloud.

Fear spiking off the meter, Caleb quickly crossed the distance between he and Dean, latched onto Dean's arms even as the fifteen year old struggled to get free. But he shook him, got Dean's wide eyed attention. "You think you're gonna die hunting? Darn it, Dean! We're all lying awake at night finding ways for that not to happen and, what, you're trying to hurry it along?!"

"No, I'm trying to live a little of my life for myself! To have a say in how I risk my life! To make my own choices instead of the choices everyone's made for me." He broke free of Caleb's hold and the older hunter let him go. "I have done everything Dad's told me to do…been Sam's protector, been your hunting partner. I've given you my all..and it's not enough. It's never enough. So I'm done trying to please everyone else."

"Fine, ok, so tell your Dad no next time he wants you to hunt, let Sam dig himself out of his own screw ups, and you and I'll hang out at a ballpark instead of some forest with a fugly…just…" Caleb's voice cracked on his next words, "don't do this, don't hurt yourself rather than stand up for yourself. Believe in yourself…the way I do, the way John does and Sammy. We depend on you because we know you'd never let us down. But, if you do this, if you get yourself killed doing some…some dare, you'll be killing the best part of me and Sammy and John…of all of us. And I know you're not that selfish."

"Guess you don't know me as well as you think you do," Dean chillingly replied. "This is my choice and you don't get to make it for me, Caleb." Then he turned his back on Caleb, entered the building and shut the door behind him. Left the older hunter standing there alone.

But Caleb couldn't do it, couldn't let this be Dean's choice. Didn't….couldn't care if Dean hated him forever, as long as he was alive, the rest couldn't matter. Stalking for the terminal, he went to push open the door…and met un-budging resistance. Put his shoulder into it…with no better results. "Dean! Open this door right now!" he bellowed through the door.

SNBROSSNBROSSN

Jason retreated back from the door, turned a cocky smile on Dean as he nodded to the metal pipe he had slid across the door, ensuring Reaves wasn't getting in again. "When I first found this place, they had that pipe over the door, had it locked down nice and tight. But then again, getting into locked places isn't just a ghost trait, is it?" Jason boasted, loved using his hunting skills for things his Dad wouldn't approve of.

Dean stood in the middle of the terminal, jumped a bit when Caleb seemingly used his boot heel to try and kick in the door. Shouted his name, "DEUCE!"

Jason tuned out the melodrama, was busy checking gauges, quietly running down a go-for-launch checklist. Then he turned an adrenaline high smile on Dean. "Ok, hop on board, I'll set this thing and once I'm in and shut the door, the lock will release and it's all down hill from there."

SNBROSSNBROSSN

Utterly failing to crash in the door, Caleb braced his hands on the door, called through the barrier that was keeping him from Dean, maybe from saving his little brother. "Dean, remember that gut clenching terror when you couldn't find Sam, thought someone had taken him..that he was hurt? I've got that but worse…because I know what you're doing, how close you've been to dying, that what you're doing now…it might kill you. And it could Dean. You could die! And if you think losing you is something I can bear…" Caleb's voice went out of him then, his throat too constricted to say more without swallowing ten times. "You and I both know what it's like to lose someone you love…don't put me through that again. Don't let Sam lose his big brother and John his son. Just…don't. Please, Dean. Please."

But only silence came back to Caleb. Cursing, he punched the door and then started to jog around the building, intent on finding another way in, a way to stop Dean, to keep his little brother with him. Found that there was only one door to the joint and the other possible entrance, the opening where the tran would exit, was cordoned off by a security fence that, yes, probably thanks to Jason's work, was now juiced with electricity. And sure, Caleb was a master at B&E, but he needed tools…which he didn't have in his back pocket, could maybe jerryrig something from his supplies in his Jeep but that would mean walking away from the terminal. And doing that, even for two seconds, seemed unbearable.

Out of options, Caleb bolted up the incline and ran for his Jeep. Nearly ripping the door off its hinges in his hurry to get into his glove compartment, he grabbed gloves and wire cutters before digging into his hunting bag in the back seat. With supplies in hand, he darted out of the Jeep's interior and ran pell-mell across the parking lot.

But he skittered to a terrified halt at the edge of the parking lot when he saw the tram car was emerging from the terminal, making its slow….and widely pendulum swinging descent along the severely neglected cables. Heart in his mouth, all Caleb could do was watch …and pray.

And scream when the cables frayed apart and the tram car fell from its lofty heights.

The tram car hit the forest's sloping floor seconds later with a force that shook the ground and splintered the car into kindling.

"NO! DEAN!" Caleb screamed, numbly dropping everything he held and leaping over the lip of the incline, desperate to get to Dean, to save his little brother.

To do what wasn't possible.

SNBROSSNBROSSN

TBC

SNBROSSNBROSSN

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.