Chapter 8

Loving Someone Gives Them the Power to Break You

We drove all the way to Sam's house in a stony silence. I knew that I had been right – being a wolf was too much for Steve. He didn't want me, just like everyone else didn't. I was a reject, a wolf girl where there weren't supposed to be any girls. I had thought maybe everything was going to be ok when I imprinted, but I was wrong.

I pulled up next to Sam's perfect little Christmas card house. Steve unbuckled his seatbelt, and opened the door.

"Steve, wait," I begged.

"No, Leah," he said, and his voice was devoid of all emotion. His face, his wonderful, handsome face, was cold and impassive. "I can't."

He got out, and went into the house.

For one infinite second I stared at the front door of Sam's house. My mind was in turmoil. On one hand, I didn't want to push Steve. I didn't want to be the crazy stalker girl that wasn't wanted any more. On the other hand, I didn't want to loose him. He was my destiny.

I cut the engine, and got out of the car. Sam opened the door for me before I could knock.

"What happened?" he asked, his face troubled.

"I told him," I said, my voice hollow. "About being a wolf, about imprinting, everything."

"Then why does he look like someone has died?" Sam demanded.

I shook my head, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

"Oh, Leah," Sam said softly. He reached out and pulled me into his arms. They felt comforting and warm. I clung to him, trying desperately not to cry. "I'm going to fix this," he promised, pulling away from me.

"He doesn't want me," I whispered. "He made that clear enough."

"No. Something else is going on," Sam said. He lead me into the house, his arm around my shoulder comfortingly. "And I'm going to find out. You stay here, and I'm going to go talk to him."

"I'm going to listen in," I threatened.

Sam smiled slightly.

"I'll leave the door open a little so you can hear."

I nodded.

Sam disappeared around the corner. I could hear his footsteps.

"Steve?" he said, knocking on the door. "Steve, I need to talk to you."

"Go away, Sam," Steve's voice was muffled.

"No. Open up."

The door creaked open. I leaned forward, thankful that my hearing was much better than a normal human's.

"What the heck happened out there?" Sam said.

"I'm sorry," said Steve. "I can't say here any longer."

"Why?" Sam demanded. "What are you running away from?"

Steve exhaled, and I knew that he would be running his hands through his hair in a nervous gesture.

"It's too dangerous. I can't stay here any more."

"Dangerous?" Sam demanded. "Do you mean the wolves? I know Leah told you about us."

"How could you neglect to tell me that you turned into a werewolf, Sam? I'm your brother!"

"It wasn't my secret to tell," Sam replied.

"But it was Leah's?"

"Yes, it was Leah's. You belong to her now, more than you do to me."

Steve blew out a breath.

"That's why I can't stay, Sam."

Sam made a frustrated noise.

"Why not?" he demanded. "Why can't you stay? What's so terrible about staying with Leah?"

I didn't need to strain my ears now; they were shouting.

"Because I think I'm falling in love with her!" Steve yelled back.

And there it was. He was in love with me. That knowledge seeped into me, and coiled around my heart like a glowing coal. If I could only convince him to stay, there was a chance for happiness.

"What's wrong with that?" Sam asked. "That's a good thing."

"No, it's not. She thinks I'm her destiny, Sam. Me. I can't be."

"Why not? We don't know how imprinting works, or why, but I'll tell you this much: you can't fight it."

"I can't be her soul mate," Steve said. "I'm not good enough for her. She deserves someone better."

No! There was no one better! And believe me, I had looked. Even if I hadn't imprinted on him, Steve would still have been the smartest, funniest, handsomest guy I'd ever known. I might even have fallen in love with him naturally, given enough time. I wanted to jump up and run to him and tell him that it wasn't true. That I deserved him and no one else. But I held back.

"I think I'm in love with her," Steve said, softer now.

"Then what's the problem?" Sam asked.

Steve sighed.

"I have to go before this gets any more complicated!"

"So you're running away?" Sam demanded.

Steve groaned.

"No! You don't understand. I can't leave Marina."

I froze at the name. Marina? Who was Marina? I searched my memory for any mention Steve had made in the three weeks I had known him to anyone called Marina, but came up short.

"I thought she dumped you," Sam said.

"She did. Two months ago she came back."

"And you're still in love with her?"

Steve groaned again, low and anguished.

"No, that's not it at all. I thought I was. That's why I took her back. But now, with Leah… I've never felt this way before. I've never fallen so hard for a girl. But I can't leave Marina."

"But you don't love her any more," Sam argued. "You can't say with someone you don't love."

"I have to, Sam. Marina's pregnant. I can't leave her now, when she needs me. Would you have me be an even worse father than ours was?"

My mind was numb. It was as if someone had shot it full of morphine, and it was hard to think through the haze. Steve didn't want to leave his pregnant girlfriend by herself. It wasn't that he didn't want me, it's that he wanted to do the right thing. He was such a good man.

"Pregnant?" Sam gasped. "When did this happen?"

"She only told me before I left. She says she's six weeks along."

"The why did you flirt with Leah?" Sam asked, his tone hard. "Why did you act like your heart was free?"

There was a moment of silence.

"I know it was wrong. But I convinced myself that she didn't care anything for me. That it wouldn't matter, because I was only risking my own heart. I didn't guess that she felt anything for me."

"How could you?" Sam asked.

"Why do you care?" There was that steely tone to Steve's voice again. The one that I hated. "You're not her brother, or her father. You're her exboyfriend, who left her for her cousin. Who are you to lecture me on how to treat Leah Clearwater?"

"I know," Sam said, and his voice was filled with sadness. "I hurt her, and I'm the last person on earth who should be lecturing you for doing the same. But Steve, that's the thing: I hurt her, and I never want to see it done again. More than anything I want Leah to be happy. And I won't let you hurt her."

"I don't want to," Steve admitted. "Do you know how much I want to run to her house right now and beg her to forgive me and take me back? But I can't. I have to do my duty by Marina. I can't leave her."

"Then don't," I said, stepping into the room. In a split second of clarity, I had made my decision. I had to do what was best for Steve. He was all that mattered right now.

Both brothers turned to me. Steve's face was surprised; Sam's was not.

Steve's room was a mess. There was a suitcase on the bed, and clothes strewn around, as if he had been in the middle of packing.

"Leah, I…."

I shook my head.

"I heard everything, Steve. Everything."

"I'm sorry," he whispered to me. "But I can't leave her."

"I understand," I said. Somehow it was possible to keep my voice level, to keep my emotions in check. "You're a good man. You want to do the right thing."

"I thought it was just my own heart that I was risking. I was stupid, but I thought it was just me. And then you said those things about imprinting, and destiny, and…" Steve trailed off.

"You'll always be my destiny, Steve," I said. I looked straight at his piercing black eyes, and saw my own sadness echoed in them. "But I understand that you want to do right by your girlfriend. It's the honourable thing to do."

"I don't want to," He said, his eyes soft. I had to look away.

"I know what it's like to be left for destiny," I said, staring at my own socked feet. "And I would never wish that on anyone else."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam wince.

"Can you forgive me?" Steve asked.

I gave a short, humourless laugh.

"I already have. I'm just glad I didn't scare you away, like I thought I did."

Steve ran his hands through his hair, which was already standing up on end from the repetitious action.

"What you are has nothing to do with this. I should never have played with your heart. I didn't mean to get this close."

"I told you: imprinting isn't a conscious decision. I didn't have a choice in the matter."

Steve reached out his hand to touch my cheek, but I shied away from him.

"Go," I said softly. "Go back to Marina and your child. Go back to your life, and I'll go back to mine."

"It won't ever be the same," Steve said softly.

The air caught in my throat, and I made a strange choking noise. His life wouldn't ever be the same?

"You Uley boys sure did a number on me," I said. Then, very slowly, I walked out of the room. I didn't stop walking till I was at my car.

How I got home I'll never know. It seemed to me that I was in a dream. My mind was still numb, but I knew that sooner or later the painkillers would wear off, and then the ache of heartbreak would come. I had felt it before, but I knew instinctively that this would be ten million times worse.

When Sam had left me, he had hurt me, and hurt me badly. Before Steve, I thought that I would never recover from that. Sam had hurt me, but Steve had broken me. It seemed like a cruel joke, when I thought about it. The two men in the entire world who had the power to break me in half, and both had done it.

I didn't remember getting home, but I must have. I must have parked the car in the driveway, and gotten up to my room, but I don't remember it. I only remembered lying on my bed, still in my coat. And then the tears came. Hot, scalding tears soaking into the pillows and blinding me with their fierceness.

I could never see him again. He was the sun in my sky, and I would never see him again. I had been able to live when Sam left me. It was a horrible half life, but it had been life. I knew that without Steve I wouldn't be able to continue.

With the tears came the pain. Hot, scalding, burning. It tore its way down my throat and settled into my heart, eating it away. It felt as though I would never be whole again. My heart belonged to Steve, and he had taken it with him.

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I don't know how long I lay there until sleep came. Time had no meaning any more. I remembered how Bella Swan had been when Edward left her that one time. I had thought it was pathetic, the way she had gone on and on about it. I knew heartbreak, and I hadn't fallen apart like that. I thought Bella was being an overly dramatic little girl throwing a temper tantrum because she couldn't get her way. It hurt, yes, but you couldn't let it destroy your life. Now I knew better. I knew exactly how Bella felt. I would never look down on her again for her breakdown after Edward left. It felt as though nothing were worth doing any more. Like continuing on with life was just a big joke, a farce. It felt as though half of me were missing. Like Steve Uley had ripped half of me away and left me bleeding and broken. I couldn't pick up the pieces this time, like I had with Sam. There were no pieces left to pick up.

It almost made it worse, knowing that Steve loved me, and that he was doing the noble thing by going back to his pregnant girlfriend. Knowing that if it hadn't been for her, he would be with me. I wished I didn't know. I wished that I thought he didn't want me because of who I was, because I was a monster. That would have been easier to handle. I had been right all along: I wasn't meant to pass on my werewolf genes. I was the freaky wolf girl, the one who was wrong. I was twenty three and already I was damaged goods; who would want me now?

And I couldn't even get over him. I couldn't even say that there were more fish in the sea and get on with life. Because there would never be anyone else. Not ever, as long as I lived. You can only imprint once, and once you do, that's it. I couldn't find someone else because there was no one else. Steve would be my soul mate, forever. No matter where he was or what he did, he would carry a piece of me with him, and I would never get it back.

There was a knock on my door. I hardly acknowledged it.

"Hey Lea, how'd it go?" Seth asked, walking in. He had his usual cheerful smile on. "We're all dying to know. Embry wanted to put bets on Steve's reaction, but Jake made him… Leah?"

I didn't look up.

"Please go away." My voice was dead. No emotion, no emphasis, nothing. Hollow, like the rest of me.

Seth sucked in his breath sharply.

"What happened?"

"Steve's going home. I don't want to talk about it."

"Not before I beat the tar out of him," Seth's normally happy face was twisted with anger.

I sat up suddenly.

"Seth, no! You can't!"

Whatever happened, Seth couldn't hurt Steve. Steve just couldn't be hurt in any way. This wasn't his fault, this was mine. I was the one that had to imprint on someone who wasn't available. I should have just stayed home from that party like I was planning on doing in the first place. If I had never seen Steve, none of this would have happened. He could have just gone home to Marina, and I could have continued on with my bitter half life, and nothing would have changed. Even that terrible gray, overcast life was better than the pain that ripped at me now, that seemed to eat away at my insides.

"I don't know what he did to you, Lea, but if he left you like this, he's going to pay for it." Seth's words were hard and angry.

"No, Seth, please. It's not his fault."

"It is if you're crying."

I shook my head, not wanting to see my pain and bitterness infect my cheerful baby brother. He was too pure, too good for that. I was the one who had to take all of this.

"I don't want you to get hurt," I said, thinking of the damage it would do his soul to take pleasure in inflicting pain on my Steve.

Seth snorted.

"I'm a werewolf, Lea. A fully grown werewolf that can take on bloodsuckers any day. I think I can handle one ordinary human."

I shook my head.

"Not physical hurt," I said. But it was too much trouble to explain. "Promise me you won't?"

Seth nodded, reluctantly.

"But that doesn't mean I forgive Steve."

The anguish washed through me again at the mention of his name, and I felt tears coming to my eyes.

"Please, Seth," I begged, not wanting him to see me like this. "Please go away."

Seth didn't go away. He reached out his long arms, and pulled me into them, hugging me tightly as a fresh wave of tears ran out of me. It felt as though a faucet had been turned on inside of me, and everything was flowing out, everything inside of me until I was hollow. There was nothing left inside me but pain, and the memory that for one sparkling moment, I had been happy. And that made it hurt more.

Seth stroked my back while I cried and whispered comforting nonsense in my ear.

"What happened?" he asked, when I was finally cried out. "Did he not want you, like you thought?" His question was blunt, but not unkind. After all, he had heard what I had been thinking, all my worries on the subject.

"He can't want me," I whispered. "He thought he was just hurting himself, not me too. He has to do the right thing, and so did I. I had to let him go. But it hurts so much."

"He had to go?" Seth asked.

"He couldn't leave her."

"Who?"

"His girlfriend. She's pregnant."

Seth hissed at the realization of what I was saying.

"What a… a… a moron!" Seth struggled with the words, and I knew that a dozen swear words had run through his head before he had picked one that was more tame.

"No," I said. "No, he's doing the right thing. He's going to be an amazing father."

"I'm so sorry, Leah," Seth said.

I buried my face in his shirt, and took another shuddering breath.

"I'm all alone again," I mumbled. "They always leave me all alone."

"No," Seth said softly. "You're not alone. You've got me, and the pack. We won't leave you. Not ever."

And I knew that that much, at least, was true. I still had my pack, my family. My idiotic, annoying, loving band of brothers. I felt a little sorry for them. They were going to have to feel all this hurt and betrayal as well. I wished there was some way to keep it all from them, to just take it on myself and not have to share it. I wished I didn't have to infect my happy-go-lucky brothers with my pain.

Loving someone gives them the power to break you. And Steve Uley had broken me good.

Author's Note: Wow… dark. I always knew this was going to be a hard chapter to write, but I didn't know quite how hard until I started writing it. I'm not used to writing his kind of angst, and I needed to take breaks in between to do happy things and cheer myself up.

Poor Leah! She really has got the short end of the stick. She picked first one brother and then the other, and both of them messed her up pretty badly. I hated to do this to her, seeing as the original point of this story was to have Leah happy, but I realized that it had to be done, for the greater good of the story.

Leah's thoughts on Bella during New Moon are my own. Not exactly impressed with how quickly she threw herself into depression when Edward left. But then, I've never been the overly dramatic type, and Bella really is.