Chapter 9
Not Exactly Something You get Over Quickly
I didn't want to shift into my wolf shape. I didn't want the others to know how much Steve's leaving had affected me. I didn't want them to be burdened with my pain, like they had the last time with Sam. But it was inevitable. Sooner or later I would have to transform, and then they would get the full brunt of it. I would rather it have been sooner, if it had to be done.
I left my clothes in a small pile on the back porch, and shifted into my wolf form. I had been avoiding it for as long as I could, wanting desperately to keep my thoughts to myself, but I had forgotten how good it felt to be a wolf.
Everything was simpler as a wolf. Everything was about survival, about instinct. There were no complicated human emotions to cloud my thoughts. Just the pounding of my paws, the wind in my fur, the smell of cold and snow and frozen earth as I ran swiftly over it. I took in deep lungfuls of the clean, cold air, drinking it is as the scenery flashed past me. For once in these last couple of days I didn't need to think about the fact that my heart was just a smoking crater. It was still there, but it wasn't as important. Animals didn't worry about it as much as humans did.
Hey Leah, we've missed you, Embry voice cut through my thoughts, breaking my inner reflections on the pleasures of staying in wolf form. I knew that Jacob had done it once to escape heartache: stayed as a wolf for months and months and just run. The thought was becoming more and more appealing to me.
I'm coming, I answered, heading towards the rendezvous point. With a burst of speed I took off, running as fast as I can. The feeling of freedom was wonderful. I was just me and the earth and nothing else.
I caught a stray thought of Quil's.
Yeah, I do need to run this fast, I snapped. Some of us are good at it, remember?
As usual, I was hiding my pain behind sarcasm and bitterness. I gathered my pain together, concentrating it on the hole where my heart had once been. Then, I carefully used the angry, hard emotions to build a barrier around them. High, thick walls that couldn't be penetrated, holding back the anguish like a dam held back a river.
Ok, ok, I was just saying… Jake's not here yet either. No need to hurry or anything. Quil grumbled.
Coming, Jacob said. You ok, Leah?
Fine, I lied.
Yeah right, Embry said. We all heard that Steve left yesterday.
The pain in my heart, that while I had been running was temporarily dulled, flared up again as strong as ever, and I felt my huge, wolfish eyes prick. The dam I was hiding my feelings behind developed a long, jagged crack.
I felt everyone wince.
That bad? Quil asked.
Worse, I murmured, running through the events of my last meeting with Steve in my mind. It hurt so much to think of it, but I knew that it was better to get it all out to my pack brothers as quickly as possible.
He did what?! Embry demanded.
He left. Permanently. I felt my sadness leak into my words, no matter how hard I tried to keep them out.
But he's your imprint. That's not the way things work, Embry argued.
It does when you're me. Nothing goes right with me.
The dam that I had been keeping my emotions hidden behind broke, and a gush of pain and hurt and confusion poured out, before I could stem the tide, and build the barrier back up again. I was going to have to work on this.
Ahead of me and slightly to the right, I heard the anguished howls of Seth and Embry. They were crying with me. I whimpered. It was harder to keep control of my own emotions when my pack shared them with me.
There was a wave of angry swearing.
We'll tear him apart for you, Leah. You know we will, Quil said. He arrived in the clearing about the same time I did. He had been a lot closer.
I shook my shaggy head.
You know that's not the answer, Quil.
We just want you to know that we would, Jake said. He's got four huge wolves to deal with. You don't mess with our pack sister that easily.
I felt a well of emotion for these dumb boys. They wanted to help me, however misguided their attempts were.
That's not going to solve anything, I reminded Jake.
It would make me feel better, he grumbled.
I'm going to kill him for what he's done to you, Embry growled. Nobody messes with our pack.
You'll have to go through me first, said Seth. That hard, determined tone, so unlike his usual voice, was back. I hated it. I wanted him to go back to being my Seth, not this boy who seemed caught up in my bitterness.
Seth, we talked about this, I reminded him.
Jacob ran into the clearing, coming to a halt beside me. He pushed his big head under mine in a wolfish hug. I leaned my cheek against the top of his head for a moment, taking in his offered comfort.
You going to be ok? He asked.
No, I replied honestly. But I can do my duty. That's what's important.
Embry blew out of huffing breath.
I still say we storm his house and drag him out to answer for what he's done, he grumbled. But he wasn't serious any more.
You can't hurt him, I reminded Embry. That would be worse. He's doing the right thing.
So says you, Quil said sourly, but he knew I was right.
I'm sorry guys, I said regretfully. I know what I was like last time something like this happened. I made you all miserable, and I don't want to do that again. I'll think about something else.
We're not telling you what to think, Jake reminded me. You're welcome to be miserable if you want. What happened to misery loving company?
There was a hint of playfulness in his tone that I appreciated. He was trying to lighten the mood. Good old Jake.
But I held firm. I didn't want to infect them with my unhappiness. Especially Seth, who was so naturally cheerful, and Jacob and Embry, who were both so deliriously happy when they were with their imprints. I would just have to draw on their feelings of wellbeing to keep myself going.
What's on the agenda today? I asked, bringing the discussion back to the task at hand.
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I went through the next couple of days as if in a dream. I went to work and ate and slept, but my mind, and certainly my heart, wasn't in it. I just went through the motions, pretending nothing was wrong. But I was sure that I was pretty bad actor.
When I got home from work, there seemed nothing to do but sit on the couch. I dropped my purse by the stairs, and sat down, closing my eyes against the weariness that threatened to overwhelm me. It wasn't a physical exhaustion, although I hadn't been doing much sleeping. It was a mental exhaustion that seemed to creep into every part of me and make my mind and limbs heavy. I lay my head on the arm of the couch, but I didn't sleep.
A family had come into the office today, looking for a house. There were four children, one of them just a baby, and I had gotten to hold her while her mother took off her coat. Usually I'm not one of those girls who gushed over little kids, but the girl was so sweet, so tiny in my arms, that all of the sudden my heart had ached for one of my own.
It hurt so much to think that I was never going to have kids. I used to think about kids from time to time, when I was dating Sam. Of course, then it was him who had run into the house in my imagination, and kissed me quickly before flinging our daughter into the air. It was easy to replace Sam with Steve – they had the same oval eyes, the same turn to their mouths. Now the little girl in my imagination took off Steve's glasses and fiddled with them while he laughed at her.
I could imagine Steve playing in the snow with a little girl with long black hair, and a boy with a wide smile. I imagined myself watching from the window, then turning and picking up a baby from a bassinette and cradling her, crooning her to sleep. The picture was so real, so tangible. And I wanted it so much it hurt.
Not that I knew if I could even have kids. I had no idea how that worked with the changes my body had gone through to be come a wolf. But I certainly couldn't now that Steve was gone. There was no one else that could be the father of my children. The very thought of anyone else was repulsive, unthinkable. It was Steve or no one, for the rest of my life. So it looked like I was doomed to be lonely forever.
There was a sharp knock on the door, and I looked up suddenly. It had gotten dark while I sat.
"Who is it?" I asked, feeling only tired.
"It's me," Seth's voice came from the other side of the door. "I forgot my key. Let me in?"
I shuffled to the door and opened it.
"Surprise," Seth said, grinning. Behind him was my pack, with identical sheepish smiles.
"What are you all doing here?" I asked.
Quil held up a DVD case, then pointed to Embry, who was laden down with shopping bags.
"And we ordered pizza," Jake said.
"I don't understand," I said. What in the world were they all doing here?
Seth nudged Jacob.
"It was Jake's idea."
Jake looked embarrassed.
"Well, when Rachel and Rebecca were upset, they would always invite their friends over and watch movies and eat junk food. So we thought we'd give it a try."
"We brought ice cream," Embry said helpfully, indicating one of the bags he was holding.
I blinked. My pack – four huge clueless boys – had brought over ice cream and were going to watch movies with me?
Seth slung an arm over my shoulder.
"Come on, Lea. We wanted you to feel better."
"It's not a very good substitute," Quil said. "But we thought it might help."
"Plus, pizza!" Embry said enthusiastically. "How does that not make things better?"
I rolled my eyes.
"All you think about is food," I grumbled.
"Yup," he replied, unabashed.
The four boys brushed past me, and threw themselves onto the couch.
"We picked the soppiest movie in the store. Nessie helped," Jacob said, grinning. "She's coming by later, if that's ok. Thought you might want more girls around."
I looked around at my pack, who were sprawled on the couch and the floor.
"No offense, guys, but what are you doing here?" I asked.
Jacob frowned.
"I thought we made that clear. We're here to make you feel better."
"We know we're not the right guys to be doing that," Quil said. "But you're our pack sister, and when you're down we're all down. So let's get this chick flick on the ball."
"Yeah," Embry cut in. "If you hurt, we hurt. And it sucks."
I felt a rush of something warm shoot through me, from the top of my head right down to my toes. It seemed to be thawing out the part of me that had been frozen since my last conversation with Steve. My heart was still broken beyond repair, but I had stopped being a block of ice. I could even smile, maybe.
I tried it, thinking that my face might crack. First one edge quirked up, and then the other. It felt strange, to be smiling. But I hoped that it didn't look too forced.
"So this is all for selfish reasons?" I asked.
Embry nodded, grinning a wolfish smile.
"Purely selfish. We don't care what happens to you or that you're hurting at all."
"I thought as much," I said, airing that smile out again. It was still small and tight, but it was a start.
"That's right," Seth encouraged. "We want the nice happy Leah again."
Even Jake snorted. I rolled my eyes.
"You've got enough happy for the both of us, little brother," I said.
The doorbell rang, and I got up to answer it.
Nessie was standing there, shifting her weight from foot to foot.
She ran straight into my arms as soon as I opened the door, nearly knocking me over. For such a little girl, she had a lot of weight behind her.
"Oh Lea, I heard everything and I'm so sorry!" she said.
"Gently, Renesmee," Bella cautioned behind her.
I stroked the top of her coppery curls.
"Not your fault, Ness," I said, ignoring Bella.
"I still feel bad. To have him leave after everything else that's happened to you. It's just too unfair!" Sometimes I forgot that even though Nessie acted like an adult, she was still just a kid, with a kid's strong sense of justice. Well the world wasn't fair, and nobody knew that better than me.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"Jake told me everything."
I sighed internally. I should have known. Jacob wasn't very good at keeping anything from Nessie, never mind secrets.
"You go on inside, ok?" I said. "They're all waiting, and we've got ice cream."
Nessie's face lit up. Although she didn't really like human food as a rule, sugar was one thing she appreciated. She gave me another hug, and then went inside the house. I heard everyone welcome her, Jake's voice the loudest.
Bella stood off to the side, looking concerned. She was beautiful, as always. I remembered, with a flash, what she used to look like, before she turned leech. She had been pretty, in a quiet, muted sort of way. Brunette, with very pale skin, although not as pale was it was now. In contrast, her human skin looked practically rosy. And she had been clumsy, and a little dim, I thought. Now was she as stunning as a supermodel; graceful and elegant like one too. But somehow in all that change, she still looked like the old Bella, the girl Jacob had fallen so hard for.
I acknowledged her presence with a nod.
"Can I request she be back by ten thirty?" she asked in her clear, bell-like voice.
"Sure," I said. "I'll have Jake bring her back."
"That would be fine," she said.
We looked at each other for a moment, and I could see that she was taking me in. I tried to hide the emptiness I knew was in my eyes. We had never been, well, friends. Even when she was a human, she had still been a Leech Lover, the enemy, to me.
Suddenly, Bella reached out her hand and placed it on my arm. I could feel her cold skin leaking through the fabric of my shirt. It was only through years of practice that I didn't flinch away from it.
"I heard what happened," she said.
Of course she had. From Nessie, probably. Or from Edward fishing it out of Jake's head. I hated that that bloodsucker could hear my thoughts. It was bad enough that the pack did when I was in wolf form. I didn't need someone else eavesdropping.
"From Nessie?" I asked.
She nodded her head.
"Yeah. And I can see it. In your eyes."
She probably could. She knew what heartbreak and abandonment looked like.
"I don't need your pity," I said, my voice hard.
Bella shook her head.
"I wasn't offering you pity. I was offering you empathy. I know how this feels."
And I knew that she did.
I gave a short, jerking nod.
"I'm greatful," I said reluctantly.
A small smile flitted over her face.
"I hope…," She paused, seemingly turning over her words. "I hope it turns out for you as well as it did for me."
"It won't," I said stiffly.
Our eyes connected, my dark brown to her light amber, and I knew that she was in earnest. There was no mocking in her direct gaze, no making fun of the poor pathetic wolf girl. I read only quiet understanding and acknowledgement of what I was feeling. And even coming from Bella Cullen, it was comforting.
I jerked my head forward again in a gesture of thanks.
She smiled.
"Please don't let her eat too much ice cream," she said softly. "She'll be up all night. I don't need to sleep, but she does."
I nodded again, a tiny smile escaping my lips. A hyper Nessie was not a pleasant sight.
"I will."
And then Bella left in her fancy sports car.
I stood at the open door, watching her drive away. Bella was the last person I had expected to connect with me in my present state of personal hell. But I had sort of always known that she knew how I felt. I just didn't think she would care.
A small hand fitted into mine.
"You come, Lea?" Nessie asked. "We're going to start the movie. The boys picked a good one. With my help, of course."
I looked down at the girl who I had come to call my friend, and then nodded, letting her pull me inside.
I wasn't better, and I didn't think I would ever be whole again, but this was a start.
Author's Note: I'm so gutted I screwed up my record. I didn't post yesterday! Possibly because this chapter was only two pages as of yesterday, and I had to go to a church potluck at night, which meant cooking stuff most of the day. So I'm posting it today with many apologies and promises of sticking to my guns until this story is finished.
Wow, lots of reviews for last chapter! That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A lot of unhappy readers, though. Sorry, guys. Steve had to leave for the sake of the story. A lot of people said that they liked the team dynamic in the last chapters, so this chapter is all about the team. I'm assuming that the pack is very important to Leah – those boys have become her family.
This chapter was written to "Bella's Lullaby" from the Twilight movie. I so love that piece of music! It's so pretty and light, and yet it had just the right edge of melancholy to it. I must have listened to it like ten times while I was writing this.