Looking For Space

by Cheryl W

Sam might have been the one to run away to Flagstaff, but Caleb knows its Dean they just might lose forever if someone doesn't show him his own self-worth. Ridley's Brotherhood AU. No Slash.

15. Let Your Love Shine

Looking For Space

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dean, Sam or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

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CHAPTER 15: Let Your Love Shine

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It is better to correct someone openly than to have love and not show it.

~ Proverbs 27:5

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"I trusted you to keep him safe and you hit him?!" John growled in Caleb's face, one hand coiling around Caleb's throat in a choke hold.

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"Jonathan!" Mac exclaimed was about to come to his son's aid when Lositros surprisingly stepped in and yanked John off of Caleb.

Holding the struggling Knight, Lositros shouted, "Reaves saved your son's life, Winchester!" using his hold to spin them both around, he gave John a shove toward the opposite end of the room from Reaves. Then he stood in Winchester's way of reaching the younger hunter. "He saved your son's life!"

Glaring at Caleb over Lositros's shoulder, John furiously bit out, "Funny 'cause it looks a lot like he's hitting my kid."

Lositros put a halting hand onto John's chest, holding him back. "Heated emotions sometimes don't bring out the best in us. Reaves just thought your kid got himself killed right in front of his eyes, so he screwed up here but he didn't give up. Followed my son and Dean to some abandoned aerial tram where they were gonna do their next brainless stunt. Reaves talked Dean out of getting in the tram…and in turn, Dean talked my son out of it too. But Jason, he still wanted to know if the tram would work, sent the car on its merry way…and the tram car…" Here Lositros's voice cracked, showed the emotions the man had kept in check until then. "The cables busted, sent the car crashing to the forest floor….would have killed both our kids."

Anger replaced by weak kneed fear, John took a stumbling step back, out of Lositros's grip. His eyes searching Caleb's for the truth, saw it by the wide-eyed residual of horror and fear in his protégé's dark gaze. He ran a shaking hand over his rough beard, was having a hard time picturing Dean being so reckless, risking his life so carelessly when Dean knew, knew how much he loved him, depended on him, how much Sam adored him.

Lositros snagged John's attention back as he spoke. "Jason said he was trying to learn how to be brave, to not fear dying so he could avenge his mother's death with his life, if he had to. Thought I …." Lositros shifted on his feet, shame coloring his features, "He thought I didn't care if I lost him… because I had his brothers to take his place in my hunt for his mother's killer."

'Dean couldn't think that. Would know better?!' John tried to reassure himself but the little voice in his head jeered, 'How would he know what you've never told him.'

Holding John's stunned gaze, Lositros said, "I thought the worst thing that ever happened to me was losing my wife, but losing Jason, any of my kids because of this revenge kick I've been on, that's something I couldn't survive. Wouldn't want to survive. Isn't something my wife would ever forgive me for."

Pointing to his weapon's bag, Lositros looked to Mackland then settled his gaze onto Winchester. "I'm giving up hunting. And like you once said John, if you ever walked away from the life, you'd cut all ties. Leave no connections stand that could lead anything evil to you or your kids. So…I'm doing that. You can divvy out my weapons." Then he held out his hand to John and they shook and he repeated the gesture with Mackland. But he surprisingly went off and hugged Reaves, hard.

"Thanks for saving my kid," Lositros said by Caleb's ear before he let the younger hunter go and strode out the door, leaving a stunned silence in his wake.

A little shamed at Lositros's gratitude when he hadn't done any of his actions to save Jason, Caleb watched through the open motel room door as the man slung an arm around his son's shoulder, shook Dean's hand then got in his car. Since Lositros men were apparently huggers, (who knew), Jason gave Dean a hard hug goodbye before he joined his dad and then the Lositros family put hunting and the Brotherhood in their rearview mirror.

But it was the James Lositros's words to John that rang through Caleb's head, about John planning how he would quit hunting, that he would sever all ties to the hunting life…to the Brotherhood. And the odds that John would make the same choice Lositros just had…it terrified Caleb. Because even if he never slipped on his Brotherhood ring again, never went hunting ever again, he couldn't undo what he was, was a friggin' psychic, was a living breathing entity of the supernatural.

That if John chose to cut ties from the hunting life, from the supernatural to keep Dean and Sam safe, it would mean Caleb would never see Dean again, Sam either. Would lose them both in one fell swoop. Because of love, because John loved his sons. And it was the most selfish Caleb had ever been, wishing that John didn't love Dean that much, Sam that much, that John's selfish, bullheaded, revenge crazed mindset wouldn't change. That John wouldn't be as noble as James Lositros, wouldn't steal away half of Caleb's heart by doing the right thing.

Sam's entrance into the motel room broke Caleb from his grim thoughts. It took only one look at the eleven year old's face for Celeb to know that the boy was upset. Though he wanted to go to him, Caleb knew John was still waiting for more answers from him. His dad caught his eye, gave a nod and turned to Sam.

"Hey, let's take a walk, Sam," Mackland suggested to the boy, hated to leave Caleb alone to deal with the fallout of John's anger and Lositros stunning decision but knew Caleb would want Sam to be comforted, that his son's heart went out to John's boys, first and foremost.

Sam dejectedly nodded, grumbled under his breath, "Why'd you all drag me back here if I'm not wanted anywhere," as he exited the motel room he clearly wasn't welcome in, not since the 'adult talk' wasn't over with yet. Sure, Arizona had been lonely but at least he had thought someone might miss him, Dean for sure. 'Yeah, right. Like that kid said, Dean wishes Dad never found me and brought me back.' He startled a bit when Mac's large hand settled gently on his shoulder to steer him toward the motel office.

"You alright, Sam?" Mac asked before he realized how stupid a question that was. The kid had watched a video where his brother nearly got himself killed, of course he was upset. But as was the Winchester trait, Sam denied anything so ridiculous as being hurt or scared.

"Yeah, fine," Sam mumbled, looking anywhere but at Mac, didn't trust the tears in his eyes to not slip down his face.

But Mac had been a father long enough to know when a boy was trying to be tough when he was feeling anything but that, was, in fact, feeling really scared and vulnerable. Mac also didn't miss when Sam shot a furtive look toward Dean who had claimed a seat on the picnic table top across the parking lot. And since he had been on the receiving end up Dean's caustic tongue and almost fell to tearing up himself, he was pretty sure what Sam was feeling. "Let's take a seat," he suggested pointing to a bench along the office front.

With ill-disguised unhappiness, Sam slumped down onto the bench, scooted to the far end when Mac claimed a seat at his side. "Sam, Dean's pretty upset right now and sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're upset."

Toeing the blacktop, Sam achingly muttered, "He meant it."

It took none of his fatherly instincts to read the misery in Sam's statement. "Dean's been pretty furious with me too."

Sam's wide eyes snapped up to Mackland. No one hardly ever found reason to be mad at Mac. "Why? What did you do?" a bit of a threat in his voice as feelings of protectiveness for his brother sprang to the surface.

'Crap, I didn't want to get into that,' Mac mentally chastised himself, thought quickly how to phrase his answer. "He thought I didn't have the right to give him orders."

Sam's eyes narrowed in disbelief and a hint of distrust at Mac's reply. "But Dean always follows orders." And to Sam, that was part of the problem: Dean following orders, following their Dad's orders, regardless if they were in Dean's best interest or not.

Mac gentled his tone. "No one follows orders all the time, Sam. Sometimes people feel…."

"Hurt," Sam perceptively supplied, didn't need Mac's nod to know he was right, that Dean sounded angry but that usually meant he was hurt. "And they do things they wouldn't usually do. Like what Dean did on the motorcycle."

Suddenly Mac felt out of his league, that it should be John there having this conversation with Sam. Knew what Caleb would say about his qualms: 'Man up, Dad.' So Mac did. "Yes." Watched how his direct answer had Sam's eyes seeking out his brother's form across the parking lot before he gave Mac his piercing eye contact.

"Did Dean want to ….hurt himself?"

Mac had been faced with harder conversations, like telling someone their loved ones were gone but this conversation was still in the top ten. Wanted to sugar coat it but in the same respect, didn't want Sam thinking Dean's actions were ok, that he could do them, especially on top of the kid's recent running away stunt. "I think it started out as an act of rebellion but I don't think he was concerned if he got hurt."

And Mac's explanation would take a perceptive adult time to interpret but he could see by the tears gathering in Sam's eyes, that the boy got it immediately. "He thinks I don't love him because I ran away."

"Dean's….confused," Mac hedged but Sam bitterly denounced, "Meaning yes." Then Sam turned in his seat, faced Mac with an earnest appeal, "But that's not true! I love my brother, more than anyone else." But then his face paled as he realized what he had confessed, "I mean, I love Dad, too."

"But a brother's something special," Mac provided Sam an explanation and the boy readily shook his head.

"And Dean's the best brother. Like ever," Sam declared, had met a truckload of brothers in his short but well –traveled life to know Dean wasn't like other brothers. Took care of him, supported him, was his own personal cheering section at sporting games, was never late picking him up after school, never faltered on a promise, unlike their Dad.

Mac nodded, didn't know how much Sam and John had discussed Sam's reasons for running away, if he was stepping over a line having the conversation he was with Sam. "Maybe Dean just needs to hear that from you."

The fervent affection in Sam's eyes darkened and he slid back to his original position on the bench. "He doesn't want me around."

"Is that what he told you?" Mac gently pressed Sam, to which Sam gave a dejected nod. "Well, like we said, he's been feeling hurt and he's saying things he doesn't mean."

That got Sam's eyes rising to his. "And doing things he doesn't mean, either. He didn't really mean to hurt himself, right? He knew he was faster than the train."

And having seen what Caleb had witnessed in person, Mackland really wanted to believe, like Sam did, that Dean knew he could beat the train, even as Mac rationally accepted that Dean knew no such thing. The boy had tempted death, had nearly lost his life, all for some dare, to rebel against the choices made for him, to muffle his pain. Mac felt his stomach do another flip like it had as he watched the video. Couldn't imagine the wave of grief that would have washed over all of them if they had lost Dean. Lost the boy that had such life, offered such fervent loyalty to his family, both of blood and those he adopted, who loved so selflessly and deeply.

At Mac's silence, Sam understood that the reassurance wasn't coming, that Mac couldn't tell him that Dean knew he was faster than the train because it would be a lie. That Dean played chicken with a train, knowing full well he could die, might leave him and their Dad, Caleb too. As frightening as that thought was, something else occurred to Sam. "How did Dean really get the bruises and scratches on his face? Hurt his leg? He wasn't hurt on the video, not before the train came and not after."

Desperate to end the cross examination by the way-too-intelligent eleven year old, Mac stood up, announced, "I think we should get back to the room."

But Sam's eyes were wide with fear. "That wasn't the last dare Dean did, was it?"

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Caleb was still trying to come to terms with the choice John might make when Winchester shattered the quiet by asking, "What did he say to you?"

Raising confused eyes to the Knight, Caleb stammered, "Who? Lositros? Just now?"

"Dean…before you hit him," John tried to make the words come out calm, unaffected but failed miserably. Thought to himself that no one should be calm when they talked about someone hitting their kid.

'And that was Johnny for you, always going for the jugular, even when he was blindly stabbing in the dark,' Caleb thought. He had to clear his throat before he could make sounds that were audible. "That I was only upset because, if he died there, I wouldn't get a reward, only got one if he died on a hunt, that I should….screw up the next hunt so he'd….that…he'd be 'nice and dead and nobody's burden anymore.'"

Pain pierced John's heart, like an emotional heart attack, had him going pale and sinking down on to the end of the bed. Bowing his head into his hands, John tried to shut out Caleb's words, to convince himself Dean would never say them, think them. But suddenly he didn't know anything for certain, he never thought Sam would run away…from him, yes, but not ever from Dean. And now this stuff with Dean, Dean risking his life, willing to abandon him….Sam. This wasn't his boys, wasn't his family.

Raising his head, his red rimmed eyes met Caleb's. "Why?" John hoarsely asked, because that was the only question that came to him, why was his family falling apart, why was his actions born out of love threatening to steal away his sons, why was he there when Mary wasn't. When Mary would have never done anything to make her sons run away…or want to die.

John Winchester didn't seek advice, Caleb knew it was one of his dad and Pastor Jim's pet peeves and now John was asking advice from him?! But the honor of being in that situation crumbled under the heartrending pain not only that Dean was suffering, but Sam and John were too. And pain…he knew.

The words flowed out of Caleb, not with superior knowledge but new painful insight to his best friend's hurts. "His family seems to be falling apart, the people he trusts have betrayed him, he thinks he has no say in how he lives…or dies. That hunting is…" but Caleb caught himself in time, didn't say the rest, didn't give John more reason to follow in James Lositros's footsteps, to abandon hunting. 'You mean abandon you. Dean's life is more important than your happiness. Always.' So Caleb bucked up, said the condemning statement. "The only way he can earn your love…or keep mine."

John paled further and his voice was broken when he spoke, "I loved Dean the first second Mary put him in my arms, have never stopped, could never stop. Hunting is….what took Mary could come for him…for Sam, they need to be prepared, need to be able to defend themselves, save themselves. In case I…can't…In case I fail them like I failed Mary."

"John.." Caleb began, intent on easing John's guilt.

But John surged off the bed, his words cutting off Caleb's. "I'm nobody's perfect version of a dad, I know that, can't seem to change that, but I love my kids, would kill and die for them."

"I know that," Caleb quietly interjected, because hadn't he told Dean the same thing. "But maybe what Dean needs right now…Sam too, isn't to be someone you defend with your life and mold into invincible warriors…but to just be your kids. To have you be their Dad…and not their commanding officer."

When John went still, Caleb wasn't sure if another hard shove was coming his way until John gave a solemn nod and confessed. "I want that too."

But the how, John didn't know, would have to blindly feel his way on that path but if anyone was worth going down a blind alley…his sons were.

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If any of the Winchesters ran toward pacifist lines, it was Sam, more prone to trash talking than getting into a physical scuffle. Which made Sam diverting from the motel room door to go to Dean and giving his big brother a shove that toppled him off the picnic table nearly an unbelievable sight to Mac. "Oh crap," the doctor muttered before he broke into a run toward the Winchester boys, intent on playing referee.

Stunned to be looking from the ground up at his little brother, Dean sputtered, "Sam, what the…"

"You lied to Dad! You didn't get hurt swimming. You were doing some stupid stunt," Sam reproached, sounding much older than his eleven years.

"Says who?!" Dean angrily challenged as he came to his feet.

"Mac," Sam stated, chin jutting out with confidence, like his star witness was irreproachable.

"Well, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Dean heatedly denied, didn't chance a look to Mackland who was in hearing distance by then.

"Mac's not lying, you are!" Sam shouted back, wanted the truth, didn't want to be treated like some kid anymore, to be protected.

But Dean's eyes hardened and his voice was sharp as cut glass. "Like you lied when you told me you were spending the night at a friend's house so you could get a two day start on Arizona. If anyone's a liar in our family, it's you," punctuating that assessment by giving Sam's right shoulder a shove.

"I wouldna had to lie to you if I thought you would have come with me!" Sam volleyed back, chagrined that his voice screeched, telegraphing his emotions like some first grader.

"What? Ditch Dad, like you did?" Dean acidly accused.

"He doesn't deserve the blind loyalty you have to him," Sam declared, not for the first time in their lives.

"He's my Dad, your Dad. That means something to me and it should mean something to you," Dean growled in Sam's face, didn't know why Sam had to be told this, didn't know this instinctively.

But Sam wasn't getting it, at all. "Who says?! He's a jerk to both of us, why shouldn't we…"

"Mom! Mom said!" Dean screamed before he bit out, "She said we needed him, that even when the people we love hurt us…we shouldn't stop loving them." But the next he said softly with crushing sorrow, "Even if I really want to."

Brushing past Sam, Dean came up short when he saw his dad and Caleb on the sidewalk, privy to his conversation with Sam. Cursing under his breath, he did an about face, stalked off into the woods that hemmed in the motel as fast as his bum leg would allow.

"I'll go after him," Caleb offered but John forestalled his action, latched onto his arm and met his eyes.

"No. I'll…" John began in his all-powerful Knight persona before that melted away into a tone of beseeching father, "I need to go."

Caleb nodded his head, watched as John took up Dean's trail. But as John passed Sam, he reached out and tenderly ruffled Sam's hair, vowed quietly but steadfastly to his youngest son, "I'm going to fix this Sam, I will."

And Sam nodded, knew that his dad failed at a boatload of stuff but he wouldn't fail in this. Believed in his Dad like he rarely had lately, because Dean meant the world to them both and there was no way they were going to stand by and lose him. No way, no how.

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TBC

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Thanks for reading and for the awesome reviews on my previous chapter!

Well, I think the end if nigh! One more chapter should wrap this tale up. I'm sad to see it coming to a close. You've all been so wonderfully supportive.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.