Notes: Set after the end of the episode, and mostly written after I'd stopped crying.

Lucky (Down the Drain)

Sharon didn't like to cry in front of him.

Rusty didn't want to cry in front of her, either. It was why he'd left so quickly after handing her the adoption papers the other day, because she'd been saying all of those things and his throat had started to close up.

And he guessed that she wasn't exactly crying now, but she kept looking at him in that way that she did and every so often she would reach up and dab at her eyes with the edge of her sleeve.

They were in her car, heading home after dinner. She'd taken everyone out. Everyone else had taken the check. Lieutenant Provenza hadn't even made Lieutenant Flynn pick up his share of the tab.

Now it was just him and Sharon, alone together for the first time since the judge had made the adoption official, and suddenly it all seemed real and a little bit scary.

"So," Sharon said, as the car came to a gentle stop. He should ask her how she braked without propelling them forward. "That was a nice dinner."

"Yeah," he said, and stared fixedly at the red light. "I've never had—what was that cake thing?"

"Tiramisu?" she said. "You've had that before."

"No, the thing Amy traded me half her tiramisu for. It started with a Z."

"Zuccotto?"

"Yeah, that. I've never had that before."

Sharon made a quiet sound of amusement. "And?"

"I liked it."

Sharon's head turned towards him, just a little, just before the light turned green. "Be careful if you order it somewhere else," she advised him. "It sometimes comes soaked in brandy."

"Oh," he said. Rusty tugged at the hem of his sleeves. They wouldn't come down any further. Stupid suit. He toyed with his tie instead, fiddling with the ends of it. "That's good to know."

"It's much nicer than anything I ate after my older kids were born."

He waited a moment before asking. "So... what did you eat?"

Sharon laughed quietly. "When Emily was born, a grilled cheese and ham sandwich from the deli by where we were living at the time. Jack had to sneak it into the hospital. Ricky was born just before lunchtime. I think they gave me mac and cheese. Emily ate most of it. I've got a picture of that somewhere."

He laughed too, and then they drove a few blocks in silence.

"You know," Sharon started, her voice low and gentle. "If you're having mixed emotions—"

"I'm not—"

''—I understand that, and—"

"Sharon." He cut her off. "I'm not—I wanted this too, okay? I just..."

"She'll always be your mother," she said, and he shook his head because she wasn't getting it.

"Do you remember the other day? When I gave you the papers?"

"I don't think I'll forget anytime soon."

"You said you wouldn't try to explain."

"I remember."

"Could you try?" he asked. It was easier, sitting in the car, where Sharon had to keep her eyes on the road and whenever his eyes started burning he could bite down hard on his lip and turn away from her to stare out of the window.

"All right." They came to another red light then and that defeated half the purpose of asking her right then because Sharon turned to face him and even if he wasn't looking directly at her, he could see her entire face. "When I look at you—" And, God, there went her voice again and Rusty swallowed hard against the sudden knot at the back of his throat.

He bit his lip and stared down at his shoes, and heard himself sniffle anyway.

Sharon tried again. "When I look at you, I see someone extraordinary."

He wasn't going to cry. Rusty clenched his jaw until it trembled from the strain and curled his fingers around his seatbelt until they hurt.

"And I feel—" He could hear the tears even when she laughed. "You are an incredibly brave young man, you make me proud every day, and I love you so very much."

She said the last bit all in a rush.

He thought his heart was about to explode.

"But I didn't even—" Rusty rubbed his sleeve under his nose, forgetting he was still wearing the suit. He'd just gotten lucky. And it wasn't even luck, really. It was Sharon. She made him safe. "I haven't done anything."

Maybe the reason she wasn't scolding him for getting tears all over his sleeves was because she was getting her makeup all over hers.

"You've done plenty," she told him, and settled back into her seat. "But you don't need to do anything. It's—you might understand, someday, if you have children of your own. All any of you have to do is breathe."

That was almost more than he could manage right now. Just—she kept saying things, and they were all the things that he wanted to hear and he hardly knew what to do with them now that he had.

This was the longest red light ever.

He blurted out the first coherent thought in his head. "I bet they never made you break down a door to save them."

Sharon snorted. "No. And if you could refrain from making me do that a second time, I'd be ever so grateful."

He tried to laugh, but it sounded more like a strangled wheeze than anything. "Once was kinda enough for me too."

She took one hand from the wheel to touch his shoulder.

"I'm happy," he said. "I don't want you to think that I'm not."

"I know," she said.

"My mom," he said. "My... other mom." Oh, that was going to be confusing. He hoped it would be awhile before he had to tell anyone the whole story. "When I told her, I... at first, I started to tell her that it was just a legal thing. That I needed a next of kin."

"And you do."

The light finally changed.

Rusty watched the car in front of them start driving. It was easier to talk, when Sharon wasn't focused entirely on him.

"It would've felt like lying," he said. "Not to tell her everything. Because it was never just about that."

"No," Sharon said. "It's not."

They were almost home now.

That wasn't even something he thought about, really. Having a next of kin. Sharon had explained it to him, the whole thing about how she wanted to be able to make decisions for him if he ever got sick and he understood that it was important, but she cared about that a lot more than he did. That was why the adoption was Sharon's idea. Because Sharon was the one who thought of things like that. Rusty just cared that Sharon looked at him like he was worth something. More than five hundred dollars.

He sometimes liked to tell himself that his mother's problems were all because of her addictions. That if she could just stay clean and sober, that if she could get better again, then... he didn't know what, exactly, but it didn't matter because she was sober now and she still thought she hadn't done anything wrong.

And whatever trouble he'd caused her, he'd brought worse to Sharon and she didn't even seem to mind because the worse things had gotten, the harder she'd fought to keep him.

It wasn't like she was perfect, either. Because his mom had been right about that, at least. All mothers made mistakes. There were plenty of times when she made him so angry he couldn't see straight because she was seriously impossible sometimes, and plenty more when she'd lost her patience and snapped at him—but even then, he knew that she loved him even if it was hard to accept it.

And he was sorry that he'd hurt his mother, but he wasn't sorry that he loved Sharon back.

When they reached the garage, they sat together in silence for a moment after Sharon turned off the car.

What were they supposed to do, go upstairs and act like it was just another normal night?

"Well," Sharon said, after a long pause. "Here we are."

"Yeah," he said.

Sharon pulled the keys from the ignition and reached for the door.

He was almost hugged out. He'd hugged everyone, most of them more than once, and Sharon at least four times. But he found that there was one more in him and before he could change his mind, he reached across and hugged his mother before she could get out of the car.

It wasn't a comfortable hug. His seatbelt was still on and the angle was all wrong, but Sharon's arms went around him a second later and he held on for all he was worth, his cheek pressed awkwardly against hers and her hand rubbing circles between his shoulder blades.

He wanted to tell her that he loved her too or even that he thought he was pretty lucky too, but he couldn't quite seem to make sound leave his throat. Sharon released a shaky little breath near his ear and Rusty just nodded his head, closing his eyes to hold on for a minute longer.