CHAPTR 5- only behind the dumpster

Kerry slowly wakes up, covered in bruises, cuts, and manure. She looks up to find john wilkes booth staring at her adoringly.

"Hey I killed a president what's up," booth leaned in and whispered at 690 decibels, so it wasn't really a whisper. Everyone within a 20 mile radius could hear it. Kerry would have gone deaf if it wasn't for the manure in her ears.

"I still have that Ouija board I bought on black Friday and I don't know what to do with it" Gargled my mother susanna, who was gnawing on Booth's arm.

"are you cheatiing on me?" accused sollux, stroking his bite mark covered arms.

"S-Sollux I… You know…" Susanna stuttered. "The best part about the Ouija board… is that it needs batteries."

"ju2t phiizz on iit your gho2tly pee 2hould do the triick" suggested sollux.

"oki" sed susun.

Susan on the west coast waiting pheed on the board. It began to glow with a luminous aura, A fabric emerging from the center. It was a hat. A LONG hat. No, it wasn't doug dimmadome, owner of the dimmsdale dimmadome, It was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Hey I killed you what's up," booth screeched deafeningly.

The Ouija board levitated behind him, The letter indication thingy moving at lightning speed, spelling out "I have been cursed by you four score and eleventy seven years ago but by golly I will curse you."

"What? I can't follow that. Why can't you just talk? Do you think the Ouija board looks cool covered in piss levitating behind you like that spelling out what you're trying to say? It's wasting literally everyone's time here. Not only that, but I can't even read, so jokes on you." Booth boomed.

"HE SAID HE'S GOING TO CURSE YOU, YOU DELICIOUS IDIOT" Kerry yelled.

"Kerry my darling I lov-"

But it was too late.

John Wilkes Booth had already begun transformation. He was turned into a PHONE booth.

"how do you know what a phone booth ii2" solid socks captor asked.

"Mind your own fucking business," Lincoln responded. He zaps the wall behind the dumpster and an inspirational school poster with his face on it and the quote "Mind your own fucking business" appeared.

"cool liike iice but 2now 2quare" sollux mumbled to himself.

Lincoln disappeared and the Ouija board fell to the ground and snapped in half

"aw iit ran out of batteriie2.. ii mean phiiz" shullusks muttered

"bUT I GOT THAT ON SALE" yelled susanna.

"Can someone please get me to a shower im covered in shit and blood" Kerry pleaded.

"You don't need to fiind a 2hower… they don't call me 2hower captor for nothing!" sollux exclaimed.

Water starts pouring out of his horns like a faucet. He's crying. His pores are leaking. Soap is foaming out of his mouth, he is growling, his face is scrunched up resembling a feral dog.

Kerry is spotless.

"Uh… thank you?" Kerry uncomfortably questioned, using a paper bag she found in the trash to dry up the sollux water from her sore hips.

"no problem :/" sollux panted, exhausted.

Sollux and susanna get into the phone booth, formerly john wilkes booth, and teleport away because sollux is a weeby dr who kid. Lauren and Horuss emerge from both sides of the dumpster for cinematic effect so Kerry can feel cornered. Rufioh is sleeping like a baby in a cradle full of horse shit while this is happening.

"HHEEYy kery hahAh you,m,"

Kerry was confused. She checks to see if her hearing is obstructed by any excess ears were clear. It was her interpretation of Lauren that was changing before her very eyes.

"Hey Kerry what's up," lauren said.

"Oh hey lauren look I know I thought you were a fucking weeb ass before but it appears as if my views have changed and you also don't actually talk like a screeching animal sorry for being such an asshole to you this whole time when you were just being a nice kid"

"Oh wahey that's alright so we're cool like ice but snow square?"

"Yeah, we're cool like ice but snow square."

Kerry and Lauren shake hands , better friends than ever before. Horuss gags at the sight of this friendship and prepares to make an announcement.

"im leaving you lauren I can't date anyone cOOL. EspeciaLLy if ur like ice but snow square."

"ok" lauren replied.

Rufioh wakes up and flies towards the dumpster, shit flying off of his wings onto the whole dumpster crew. "bangarang u f***1ng weeaboo 1'm gonna-"

"no wait rufioh shes cool" Kerry interrupted."

"Oh. Then who's go1ng to be the annoy1ng antagon1st 1n th1s story?"

"DID SOMEBODIE SAY ANNOYING ANTAGONIST? XD" a loud grandma voice yelled from around the corner.

It was the one and only Kelly Burger.