It was past dusk when I woke up. It was pretty cold inside and I figured I should probably go outside and look for some wood for the stove. I was guessing we could only pull off so much of the actual church to burn up before it started to collapse on us. I didn't mind going out in the dark, in fact I had always kind of liked being outside at night except in bad neighborhoods.

I saw Pony and Johnny huddled up against each other and I pulled myself up off the floor and walked over to the window through which we had entered. I was surprised at how bright it was. I stood in the window and the moonlight streaming in brought back a memory of the night my parents had died, how it had been dark inside but the officers had been bathed in light on the porch. I shivered and willed away the memory. I climbed out the window and looked up at the moon, a brighter moon than I had ever seen. A tad short of full, it hung low in the sky, just rising. I walked towards it into the grassy field in front of the church. Hearing a noise behind me I turned to face the church. A sliver of daylight remained on the horizon behind it. I saw Pony crawling out of the window. He walked over to me.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked.

"I thought I should get some wood for the stove. We can't just keep ripping pieces off the church."

"Good point," he said.

Both of us were staring at the moon, the sky. It just didn't look like this at night on the south side of Tulsa. "I never saw so many stars," I said.

Pony had lit a cigarette. For the only time ever I almost wished I were a smoker. There just seemed like something so cool and relaxing about it, having a smoke and looking up at the stars. We just stood there and looked up. Finally Pony spoke.

"Come here Scout," he said.

"What? Why?"

"Just come here," he said. I walked over to him. "Sit," he said, and sat himself. I followed. He reached out for my hand. "Close your eyes… Lay back," he said, and gently pulled me backward with him onto the grass.

"Now open your eyes," he said.

I did. Suddenly I felt I was alone in the universe with my brother, looking up at a sky full of stars like I had never imagined could exist anywhere near Tulsa, Oklahoma.

"Oh my God," I said.

"I know," Pony said. "Isn't it amazing? Dad showed us, when he used to take us hunting. We would always lay out and look up at the stars. I just realized you probably have never done that, since only us boys went."

I had always been a little jealous of the boys' trips with Dad. I could feel in Pony's voice how it was hard to have that memory, to think about Dad, but still he wanted to share it with me. Suddenly I felt like for a second I understood him just a little. Each one of us was experiencing the shared loss of our parents in such a personal way. We were bound together by the loss and yet we only allowed each other small glimpses into our individual pain. For the first time since we lost them I felt like Pony had opened the door to his inner thoughts just a crack.

"I really miss them, Pony, don't you?" He was still holding my hand.

"Yeah," he said.

"I always wanted to come on your trips with Dad," I admitted.

"Aw, Scout, it was just a guy thing. You wouldn't have liked it. Plus, we were shooting stuff, and you would have hated that."

He was right about that. That is, unless they were shooting at giant spiders. I was momentarily amused by the thought. I happened to know that Pony was not so keen on shooting things either; live things, anyway. Soda had told me once that he thought Pony missed on purpose.

"I bet you got to do cool stuff with Mom the whole time we were gone," he added. "We always figured the two of you just sat around and talked about how much you missed us the whole time we were gone." He was kidding.

I had to smile. "Hardly," I said. As much of a tomboy as I was, my times alone with Mom had been pretty girly. We went to the movies, went shopping, went out to eat together, and we did talk about the boys, but it wasn't about how much we missed them. More like who we should fix them up with. I hadn't really thought about it since she died.

"We had fun," I said.

Pony hesitated. "They were pretty great," he said.

"They were the best," I said. "Pony?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think things will ever feel anything close to normal again?"

"I don't know, Scout. Everything just seems so mixed up. This current mess isn't really going to help matters, either."

I considered that. He was probably right. Despite myself, I started to cry softly. I tried as hard as I could to stop it, to not let Pony know, because I just wanted to keep having this time with just us, and the stars, but he heard me.

"Oh, Scout," he said, squeezing my hand. "I'm sorry. The last thing you needed right now was to get caught up in all this."

"No, Pony," I said, "It's not that. It's… just the stars, they're so beautiful." I wasn't entirely lying. It was, and it wasn't.

"Scout… what were you doing following me, anyway?"

He deserved an answer. I realized that maybe he really didn't know, that despite the fact that he and I never got along that well, that I cared about him, and I just wanted everything to be right again with our family.

"I was afraid." Plain and simple, lacking a few details for sure, but that was the bottom line.

"Scared? Of what?"

That was more complicated. I took a breath and tried to explain.

"Well, when I saw Darry hit you I was scared you would never know that really it wasn't because he was mad at you but because he was worried about you boys being a good example for me. At the park I was scared because I thought you were hurt when I saw you getting sick. At Buck's I was scared for you because Darry always is telling us only bad things happen to people who go there."

"You were at Buck's?" He was horrified.

"I was outside, waiting for you."

Pony looked at me and shook his head.

"Pony, just let it go," I said. "You weren't supposed to be there, either. Most of all, I was scared when I saw you and Johnny get on the train."

"Why, Scout? Why on earth would you get on that train? Why didn't you just go rat us out to Darry or something?"

The silence lasted long enough that Pony looked at me and I looked back.

"I was afraid I would never see you again." I admitted.

"What?"

"Pony, you were running away! If I didn't follow you, I would never know where you were."

He looked confused, silhouetted in moonlight.

I took a breath. "I can't lose you, Pony. I know we fight all the time. I know you think I'm a pain. But I can't lose anybody else. You're my brother and I love you. If I went home to Darry and Soda I would have been scared all the time for you. I'd rather be here with you, because I know where Darry and Soda are and that they are OK. Probably mad as hell at us, but OK. Safe."

"Scout, if you think I could take off forever and leave you and Darry and Soda behind, you're crazy. You're my family too. It would never happen. We're just here to see what happens at home. Dally will come get us when things cool down."

"Oh." I was glad to hear that. I was already missing Darry and Soda.

"But we're stuck here for a while," he said, "Ok?"

"Ok, " I said. "At least it's beautiful," I said. I really couldn't believe all the stars. I thought skies like that only existed in the movies.

Pony scooted over toward me and I rested my head against his arm. We lay there for a while, just looking at the stars. Eventually the cold set in and I shivered.

"We should get the wood," Pony said, standing up.

"Yeah," I agreed, handing him my arm to pull me up.

We gathered all the brush we could find in the moonlight and stacked it in a pile by the window. We each took in a handful and Pony opened the stove with his foot while we shoved everything in. Johnny still slept soundly where we had left him. As rustic as the accommodations might have been, at least he didn't have to worry about anyone hurting him, and this was probably the most peaceful sleep that he had enjoyed in a long time. How ironic, I thought, that a peaceful sleep for Johnny comes the night after his involvement in a murder… Pony and I both were sleepy again, and Pony lay down, pushing the rocks out of the dirt surrounding him.

"Scout, come sleep." He said. I came over and lay down on the ground next to him. He threw his arm over my shoulder and held my hand in his. "You warm enough?" he asked.

I was chilly, but I wanted to stay where I was. "I'm OK," I said.

"Wake me up if you get too cold," Pony whispered. "I'll get more wood."

I was so proud of him at that moment. He was clearly scared, he must have been worried about a million things, but he was doing exactly what Dad, Darry, and Soda had each learned in turn – to be a good man. To look out for others before yourself. I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?"

"Because you are a great guy, Pony." I whispered. "And I appreciate you looking out for me. But I am your sister, and my brothers taught me how to be tough. You sleep, and if I get cold, I'll get my own wood."

He laughed softly. "Deal," he said, and squeezed me against him.

"Night Pony," I said.

"Night, Scout."

I could feel his heart beating as I fell asleep.