Holiday Spirits

Disclaimer: Black Lagoon and its characters © Rei Hiroe

OMAKE EXTRA II: THE SCARIEST HOLIDAY OF ALL

A frightening fog draped itself over the graveyard and the unmistakable howl of a wolf drifted throughout the night. The light of the moon shined brilliantly in the dark night sky. A flash of lightening eerily came from nowhere and illuminated the image of a haunted mansion placed strategically on top of a hill overlooking the entire cemetery.

The risqué Easter Bunny and the Spirit of Chinese New Year strode casually through the scary setting, ignoring the undead and supernatural forces that inhabited it. They came upon the steps of the mansion and opened the door. They were greeted by the sight of an old wooden floor covered by an ancient rug, a dusty dresser with macabre decorations coated with cobwebs, a narrow hallway to a kitchen, and a flight of stairs.

"Sawyer, we're here," Shenhua announced. She and Rotton sniffed the air and their brows furrowed in wonder.

"Smells like smoke," Shenhua said.

"Strange, she does not normally burn offerings to the dead at this time of the week," the Spirit of Easter analyzed.

"Rotton... Shenhua... Is that you?" came a familiar, augmented voice.

"Yes, Sawyer. Shenhua and I are here. What are you burning?"

"Come up the stairs... and into the library... I need your help..." Rotton's bunny ears twitched and Shenhua's eyebrow arched. What could the Spirit of Halloween possibly need help with?

Regardless of the strange circumstance, they did as they were told and went to the library. It was there that the Spirits were greeted with a very odd sight, even for something that was in Halloween Land.

The normally dark and creepy library was flooded with mountains of various cards in shades of bright pink and red, chocolates with unknown fillings in heart shaped boxes, flowers that were arranged in elaborate bouquets, and sickeningly adorable stuffed animals that squeaked "I love you!" whenever their hands were squeezed. In a far off area of the room, the undead representative of Halloween was frantically shaking the obnoxious pink mailbox she had stolen from the Spirit of Valentine's Day as an act of mischief, pouring its contents into a fireplace. The adult-rated Easter Bunny and the festive New Year's Spirit deadpanned.

"What in hell?" Shenhua asked, her eyes still adjusting to the loud colors of the large myriad of rose-tinted Valentine gifts. The Spirit of Halloween sighed as the Easter Bunny and New Year's Spirit strode over to her.

"I regret... stealing Miss Valentine's mailbox... The gifts... they won't stop coming..." said Sawyer unhappily as she used the mailbox to scoop up several cards out of a hill and toss them into the fire. Shenhua shook her head as Rotton picked up a stray stuffed teddy bear holding a heart.

"Valentine's Day is such a horrible holiday," Rotton began, "It claims to be a celebration of courtly love and romance, something that acknowledges the most sentimental of human emotions. Yet, its rituals revolve around the consumption and spread of material items and useless vanity in an attempt to prove the love and affection of an amor." Completing his critique on the holiday, Rotton tossed the stuffed animal into the fire.

"Is very shallow ritual, yes?"

"Please... let's not discuss... holiday consumerism... Just help me... burn the gifts..." Sawyer interjected. Rotton and Shenhua gave her questioning glances.

"Sawyer, if the mailbox is the source of the gifts, why have you not burned it?" asked the Easter Bunny. The rag doll-like zombie held her head down in grief.

"What do you think... I tried to do... in the first place? I tried... to burn the mailbox... but it was fireproof... I tried... to crush it in a vice... but a dent would not even form..."

"What about chainsaw?" Shenhua asked.

"I tried that, too..." Sawyer said sadly. "But... the mailbox didn't even give way... There were no cuts... no gashes... The material was so hard... the chainsaw experienced kickback... and the unit went towards me... I had to sew my arm back on..." The gothic spirit shook her head.

"The mailbox... it is invincible... it cannot be destroyed..."

Rotton put his hands on Sawyer's shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. Shenhua began to pick up large amounts of cards and flowers all over the floor and throw them into the smoldering flames.

"Well, we not get anywhere by complaining. Let's burn Valentine junk and give mailbox back to whore-doctor when we done. Hopefully, no more gift show up."

Unfortunately, Shenhua's wish remained unfulfilled. The number of Valentine's presents increased as numerous gifts magically appeared and spilled out of the mailbox and onto the floor. The Halloween Spirit was about to throw a tantrum in anguish until she noticed that something other than mass-produced cards had fallen out. Her eyes, as well as those of her companions, widened in shock.

"... Is that...?" Shenhua began.

"... Oh, yes... it is..." Rotton said as he took a slow step back.

"Honestly... what kind of present... is that?" Sawyer asked as she used a pink hand puppet as a glove to pick up the item that caused so much discomfort.

"What kind of disturbed soul sends their used undergarment as a Valentine's Day gift?" asked Rotton. The Spirit of Halloween's lip curled in disgust as she tossed the dirty clothing item into the fire, the hand puppet shortly following.

"And here I thought... I had... the scary holiday."


A/N: No, I don't have some wild vendetta against Valentine's Day. I think the celebration of love is a wonderful thing. I'm just poking fun at the consumerism aspect of the holiday. XD

That, and how could I possibly pass up the chance to write about underwear being sent in the mail?