Holiday Spirits
Disclaimer: Black Lagoon and its characters © Rei Hiroe
OMAKE EXTRA IV: 12 DAYS OF A VERY SPECIAL ROANAPUR CHRISTMAS
"Yay! We're all gonna sing a Christmas carol!"
Rock held his head down in grief. Oh no, he was back here again. He thought he was done with this alternate universe.
The Spirit of Holiday Cheer, better known as Revy, slung her arm around Rock's shoulders with a wide grin. The Holiday Spirits Rock had met on his quest were gathered around holding small booklets that contained the lyrics of the carol they were going to sing. All of them were wearing Santa hats to celebrate the occasion.
"Are you ready, Rock-baby?" Revy asked. Rock sheepishly nodded. He didn't even have so much as a piece of paper with the lyrics scribbled on it. How the hell was he supposed to sing the song?
The melodic sound of a piano began to play in the background. Rock perked up. He vaguely recognized this tune. Twelve Days of Christmas...
Eda sung the first line.
"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"A noose hanging from a bridge!" Revy sang off-key. Rock jumped as the entire entrance section of the bridge that the infamous noose of Roanapur hung from moved into the background behind him. Apparently, the universe of Holiday Spirits had moving props...
"A-a noose?" Rock stuttered, remembering the rather unorthodox gift idea. The piano tune stopped and everyone looked at him questioningly.
"You got a problem with the noose, Rock?" Revy said dangerously. It seemed that her "Holiday Cheer" mentality had slipped and the gunslinger had gone into a more in-character attitude. Rock had to talk fast if he wanted to keep his head.
"Um... Well, not to say the noose is not a nice gift or anything..." Goodness, what was Rock saying? No matter how far the prospect was stretched, a noose was by no means a pleasant gift to receive on any holiday, much less a noose that was hanging from something. "It's just... well... I'm not very keen on this song, but I think there was something about a special kind of bird in a tree, wasn't there?"
"Revy couldn't find a chestnut-headed partridge," Benny explained. "And pear production in Thailand is relatively small, so getting a pear tree would be too much of a hassle. We all decided to just get a noose instead." A curt nod from Rock was the only response seen. A good enough reaction for the Spirit of Holiday Cheer, Revy fell back into an upbeat disposition. Doctor Love Eda started again.
"On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Two shots of rum!" Eda's lip curled in disgust.
"What? Only two? Cheap bastard."
"And a noose hanging from a bridge!" Revy went on, ignoring the Valentine Spirit's unusually critical complaint about the second gift. Despite her disgust, Eda continued to sing.
"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Three fine cigars," Balalaika said flatly as she lit up a Cuban.
"Two shots of rum."
"And a noose hanging from a bridge!"
Rock wasn't exactly the strongest advocate for Christmas, but he couldn't help but feel as though the holiday was being brutally violated with every second the altered carol was sung. In spite of the seeming blasphemy, the show went on.
"On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Four swearing birds," Benny said calmly as four small cages containing the mentioned swearing birds materialized out of thin air.
"Motherfucker! I kill you! I kill you!"
"Open up, you dirty skank!"
"Die!"
"Go to Hell!"
Rock slouched as Balalaika, Eda and Revy went on with the rest of the song. It seemed the myna that belonged to the street barber and the cockatoo in front of the Church of Violence had reproduced.
"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." Suddenly, Benny, Revy, Balalaika and Eda all joined in unison.
"FIVE RPGS!!" As soon as that was said, everyone in the room scattered and ducked for cover as five rocket propelled grenades were launched and exploded. When the smoke cleared, everyone went back to their designated positions and continued on with the song undeterred. Rock, being quite the fortunate individual, got out of it unharmed, but a little shaken. Really, what kind of present was that...?
"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Six... chainsaws... revving..." Sawyer sang mischievously before she started up her mechanical murder weapon. Five other chainsaws appeared behind her and levitated, as though they were being held by supernatural forces. Rock took a step back. Regular world Sawyer was bad enough with one chainsaw. He personally did not want to have a first-hand experience of what Halloween Spirit Sawyer could do with six chainsaws all at once.
The carol went on and the seventh verse was soon reached.
"On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Seven bars exploding," said Dutch matter-of-factly. Seven bars appeared in the background and immediately went up in flames. Somehow, Bao had found his way into the alternate universe of Holiday Spirits. He was now kneeling before the burning wreckage and crying like a baby. Ignoring the sobbing bartender, the characters sang on and soon came upon the eighth verse.
"On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Eight maids a-shooting," Mr. Chang said coolly as Roberta came onto the scene and pulled out her umbrella-disguised Franchi SPAS-12. Behind her, Fabiola appeared with an EX 41 grenade launcher accompanied by six other maids armed with various shotguns, pistols and sub machine guns.
"Huh, so that's why all the bars exploded," Revy said.
"Probably explains where the RPGs came from, too," Eda added.
Not paying any mind to their comments, the maids stayed true to the song and started to shoot.
As with the RPG incident, everyone scattered and took measures to cover themselves.
Luckily, no one was harmed and the murderous maids had run out of ammunition. After Roberta and her apprentices politely curtsied in unison and left the stage, the Holiday Spirits took their proper positions and sang. Rock could do nothing but stand with his eyes as wide as saucers as his jaw hung loosely. This was absolutely absurd.
Not noticing Rock's disbelief with their obscenely casual attitude towards the mass destruction that had taken place, the Holiday Spirits sang and reached the ninth verse.
"On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Nine introductions." Rotton the risqué Easter Bunny appeared on the top of the bridge in the background. He wore a black trenchcoat that waved hypnotically as a timely wind gently brushed his form. He struck a dramatic pose and held two Mauser C96s at angles that no doubt looked very cool, but were completely impractical.
"At last, my time is at hand. Those who gaze upon the immortal that is before you—"
"Aiya, pay no attention," Shenhua said sheepishly. "This going to take a while. Just sing rest of song. Crazy Easter Bunny on top of bridge will not notice." The other Holiday Spirits took her word and sang while Rotton continued on with his unwavering soliloquy.
The carolers came to the tenth verse.
"On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Ten junkies driving," said Shenhua as she applied her eyeliner in a casual fashion. Leigharch, stoned out of his mind, drove wildly in the background. Rock looked around cautiously.
"Where are the other nine?"
"They probably crash or something on the way over here," replied Shenhua bluntly. "Leigharch only person I know who go off to Mars and still drive well."
Going down the harmonized list, the spiritual holiday representatives came to the eleventh verse.
"On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
Everyone stopped and looked at Rock. The Japanese businessman nervously shifted. Well damn, he didn't know what the mystery lover gave on the eleventh day...
Noticing Rock's predicament, Revy let Rock take a peek at her lyrics booklet.
"Eleven barkeeps crying..." Rock vocalized weakly, unsure if he was reading the text correctly.
The seven bars Dutch had mentioned earlier were still ablaze while Bao and ten other barkeeps, new faces as far as Rock could tell, cried along with the owner of the Yellow Flag. Rock said nothing. Not only did the sight of eleven grown men bawling like babies disturb him, but he knew the twelfth and final verse was going to be sung soon, which most likely meant he would be able to go back to the "regular world" once the tainted carol was done and over with.
"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Twelve heads dismembered!"Shenhua and Sawyer sang excitedly as they held up a dozen decapitated heads.
Rock backed further away from the blade-crazy spirit women, but sighed to himself in relief. Now, all he had to do was wait for carol to finish.
"Eleven barkeeps crying..."
The businessman's comfort was short-lived. As the Holiday Spirits sang the remainder of the song, all of the gift ideas that had been mentioned previously occurred in a volatile blend of peril and chaos.
"Ten junkies driving..."
"Nine introductions..."
"Eight maids a-shooting..."
"Seven bars exploding..."
Rock ran about wildly. He had nearly gotten run over by Leigharch five times whilst trying not to get hit with flying debris in addition to not getting himself blown up by the band of killer maids that had returned.
"Six... chainsaws... revving..."
"FIVE RPGs!!"
Rock was covered in a sheen of sweat. He panted heavily as he continued to dodge explosives, all the while trying not to get gored by multiple chainsaws.
"Four swearing birds..."
"Pansy!"
"Moron"
"Stupid!"
"Jackass!"
The salaryman gritted his teeth in frustration. He was tempted to take those damn annoying birds out of their cages and break their necks. The last thing he needed were obnoxious avian creatures antagonizing him while he tried to avoid a gruesome death.
"Three fine cigars..."
"Two shots of rum..."
Shortly after the mention of the alcoholic beverage, the music in the background had slowed and the disastrous events of turmoil melted into a state of tranquility. Rock's clothing was singed and tattered. Sweat dripped off of his body and onto the ground as he dragged his feet along the floor, exhausted. He bent over and placed his hands on his knees, catching his breath. The entrance section of the bridge with the noose moved in behind the tired Japanese businessman. Snow had begun to fall onto the scene, resulting in an irregular appearance of an icy winter in Roanapur.
Though, upon closer inspection, the supposed "snow" was really just tiny bits of paper Hansel and Gretel were pouring out of buckets in front of a large fan as they stood off to the side.
All of the Holiday Spirits gathered in the form of a half-circle around Rock, holding hands in a rare gesture of solidarity as they all sang the final verse in harmony.
"And a noose hanging from a bridge!"
But the finale didn't quite end there.
"C'mon, Rock-baby!" Holiday Cheer Revy quickly piqued. "We spirits only have so much time on our hands. We have duties to attend to. Wrap this all up! Say "Happy Holidays!" to everybody."
Rock looked up with weary eyes, his face severely flushed, beads of sweat still making a trail down his forehead. He gave a wry smile.
"Yeah... Hap.... Happy Holidays..."
Content and confident that his "Holiday Spirits" experience was finally over, Rock did the one, single, simple action he had sincerely craved to do once he had arrived in the twisted alternate universe.
He passed out.
THE END