AN: Yeah, I know I'm cheating here by putting two Jane/Lilly chapters in a row, but I think you guys are gonna like this one :)
"…Mom?"
"She's… she's gone, sweetheart. I'm sorry…"
"No… no! You're lying to me! QUIT LYING TO ME!"
"Lilly Caul, you listen to me right now, young lady!" Dad yelled, his voice shaking as he firmly grasped both of my shoulders. I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to break down in front of the only family he'd had left. "We just… we just need to move on, alright? We need to get a grip on ourselves and live our lives. That's what she would've wanted for you!"
"You don't know what she would've wanted… You were hardly ever here…" I sobbed, collapsing against his chest as I try my best to be angry with him. Dad was hardly ever home during my youth; always out in some foreign country that I could never pronounce the name of. It was almost always up to my mom to raise me; to teach me how unfair and hostile the world could be if you let it take advantage of you.
Never had this been more true than on the day that she died – leukemia, just before her forty-fifth birthday. I was twelve years old.
"Cauls never quit, remember?" he hushed me, wiping away my tears in an unfamiliar gesture. Something about Larry Caul comforting me… it felt off; almost forced, actually. It was as if he was trying to make up for all the years that he had been away.
I hadn't needed him before… but I sure as hell wanted him there.
"I miss her so much…" I cried, hugging his shoulders tightly as I felt him nod his head.
"I know pumpkin… Me too…" he agreed, before driving me away from the hospital back to Macon. "But I promise you, Lilly – I won't leave you again. A soldier needs to know when to return to his home country, and I've… I haven't been around enough. Things will change this time, I swear."
That was the longest car ride home that I had ever had.
My eyes flutter open as my body desperately tries to fight off that horrible nightmare. The image of my mother hooked up to all of those insane tubes which I had no idea the purpose of, and my Dad picking up the wedding ring from the side cabinet beside her; speaking sweet nothings into her ear while she slowly sucked away the last of her oxygen… that was the scariest night of my childhood.
I was angry at everyone and everything – where's the justice in losing your mom at twelve years old? How many homes like mine had been broken up because technology wasn't developed enough to fight off diseases like she had?
That night was partly the reason why I still get angry to this day – I grew up in that state of anger and unacceptance. I couldn't just move on like my Dad said. There was no way of it ever happening, not because I couldn't do it, but because I refused to. There was no going back from losing her – she was my lifeline through thick and thin. I clutched to my mother like a young child to their blanket.
The only one that I know who probably could've even come close to understanding is Clementine, but she's a hell of a lot stronger than me. At nine, she witnessed more than anyone else I've ever known, yet when I saw her two years later… it scared me a little bit to see how much she'd changed.
The same frown, the same coldness in the eyes, the same determination to get things done… I was afraid that she was starting to turn into me. I didn't want that to happen – I didn't want Clementine to go through the same dark, twisted nightmare of a life that I forced myself into. She deserved better, and I was grateful every fucking day that that didn't seem to happen (at least not as extremely).
Thank god that Jane stepped in to guide her when she did.
"Nice to see you're up," a voice breaks me out of my thoughts; slightly startling me as I didn't notice that she was sitting in a chair beside me. She looks to be getting on in years, and her weathered smile is slightly representing this fact. "Name's Margaret, darling, in case you were wondering. You're… Lilly, correct?"
Nodding my head, I look around and start to take a glimpse at my surroundings. I'm definitely in the medical tent, that's for sure, since there are a few beds placed beside each other along with some basic medical equipment scattered about. Looks as though we're the only two people in here.
"You might be a little woozy standing up for the first hour or so, but it should pass. Your body's just trying to rebalance everything," she informs me, even though I'm still kind of confused. Why am I in here again? I remember fighting with Henry, and then…
Oh no!
Quickly placing my hand up to the side of my head, I feel a thick layer of bandages covering it and I wince as I apply too much pressure onto the wound. This is really happening, then. My ear's almost entirely gone, though for some reason I can still faintly hear out of it.
"Shit… Too bad these things don't grow back," I comment, feeling a lot more self-conscious than I normally do. "Don't suppose you could just superglue it back on, could you?"
"No, I'm afraid. We thought about sewing it back on but that'd probably do even more harm than good. You're just going to have to keep it bandaged up for the time being to let it heal properly," she tells me sadly, which makes my grip on the covers more intense. "I'm sorry, dear."
Sucking in a big intake of air, I shudder as I realize that I'm going to look like a freak for the rest of my life. I'm not that big on appearances myself, but god damn it… this is on a whole other level here!
"Your friend brought you in last night," Margaret explains, resting her hands in her lap. "She came bursting in and started yelling for you to get medical attention – practically demanded that you get the best possible treatment that we could provide. She's got a mouth on her, that one."
"Yeah… Jane would do something like that…" I remark, grinning slightly as I remember her picking me up. How she was able to do so on her own is baffling, seeing's how I'm probably around two inches taller than her, but Jane's a lot stronger than I give her credit for sometimes.
Deciding that it'd be best for me to walk around a little bit, I pull myself up from the bed and swing my legs over to the side; ignoring her offers to help me stand. If I can't stand up on my own, then there's no way that I'll be able to walk on my own – that must be the Caul stubbornness talking right there.
It turns out that walking around isn't the issue, as I can do so just fine. But I've got one major headache and a pulse-pounding pain coming from the right side of my head.
"That asshole did a number on me…" I growl as I balance myself while peering my head out the flaps of the tent. "If that bullet had travelled a bit to the right, I'd be a goner and we wouldn't even be having this conversation."
"You weren't the only one who despised him, you know. We all wanted him dead," Margaret comments, confirming my suspicions that she's definitely not just your stereotypical, sweet old lady. She's as tough and firm as they come. "Everyone except for little Derek, of course. That boy's got a heart of gold, but sometimes it gets him into trouble."
"I find that hard to believe," I disagree, thinking back to when he came for Jane and I at Houston Hills. He certainly didn't seem kind then. "I don't think that a nice guy would be able to shoot another person in the head."
"Well… sometimes even the nice ones have to make hard decisions. It's not easy being in charge of a big group like this."
"Yeah, I know the feeling…" I mutter, reminded of my time at the motor-inn.
She doesn't seem to hear me, and instead Margaret goes on a tear about a bunch of the hardships this camp has had to face. I don't listen to what she has to say, no matter how good her intentions might be. No matter where you go, everyone's got their own problems, and typically these days they're all the same ones anyways. Lack of supplies, running from walkers (or people), trying to survive, blah blah blah. It's not as if I don't appreciate what she's done for me, but honestly, listening to strangers' problems has gotten pretty old. We're all suffering, it doesn't matter where you go.
"…but now with that new Lorna girl at the helm, maybe we can rest a little easier. Certainly can't do a worse job than Henry ever could…"
"Whoa, wait a minute. Back up for a second," I interrupt, facing her with confusion as I make sure if I'm hearing this right. "Lorna? As in, Lorna Faustini? She's got control around here now?!"
"Oh that's right, you weren't awake for the news! Yes, that's the one. Lorna's been appointed as the new second in command," Margaret explains. "Derek still has the final say on most matters, but I'm sure that she'll do a fine job. After all, without her help you probably wouldn't still be here! Wouldn't you say?"
I don't like this – not one bit, and no it's not that I want to take control of the camp. I want to be as far away from a leadership role as possible, as it's way more trouble than it's worth.
But Lorna… she's up to something, I just know it.
I remember her words exactly…
I can be a powerful ally, or a dangerous enemy.
It's only going to be a matter of time until she's got this entire camp wrapped under her thumb, and I don't think I want to stick around for when that happens. Derek's smitten with this chick, and if he gets too close… I've got a feeling that he'll meet his maker.
That's not my problem, though. Derek can fight his own battles, and if he dies because of it, then that's his own blindness getting in the way. Until it becomes a real problem, he's on his own.
Besides, I've got some other things that I need to take care of right now.
"You take care of yourself, Lilly," Margaret smiles, making me feel slightly guilty for ignoring her earlier question. "If anything changes, just come straight back here! I'll fix you up right quick."
"Thank you," I nod to her, slipping out of the tent and starting my search. She's got to be around here somewhere.
…
This is gonna go so badly, I'm sure of it. Apologizing is difficult enough as it is for me… but now I've got an entirely new problem as well. Jane hasn't noticed me yet, thank god, so I'll just have to be as calm and collected as I can be.
You know, basically everything that I'm not.
Shit! What if she's still enormously pissed at me?! What if I hurt and insulted her so badly that she never wants to talk to me again?! What if the world cracks in half as Jane unleashes her unrelenting rage upon me?!
And what the fuck would Dad say if he found out that I was into another girl? …well, I suppose that doesn't matter at all, but it just popped into my head.
Fuck it. FUCK. IT. I'm gonna go over there, admit that I was wrong, apologize like there's no tomorrow and hope that she doesn't slit my throat before I can say anything. I'm pretty sure that's the best that I can hope for, but hey! At least I can die saying that I tried and made an effort!
Here goes nothing… Oh god, I'm so fucking nervous!
"Umm… hey there, Jane…" I murmur, thinking that she hasn't heard me when she doesn't turn around from digging up a grave for some of the people they lost. So far this isn't a very good start. "Jane?"
Perking her ears up, Jane says nothing as she continues to work, but at least she doesn't look pissed or anything. Maybe a little bit hurt, but that's it.
"I guess that I, uh… I owe you big time for getting me to the medical tent so quickly," I tell her awkwardly, twirling my boot in the dirt like Clementine used to do. "I'm probably not going to hear as well from now on, but that's alright. It was, umm… it was my bad ear anyway!"
Once again, Jane continues to dig as she tosses the dirt to the side.
Sighing heavily, I walk in front of her and watch the woman dig for a few more seconds before clearing my throat. Jane looks up at my face for a second before looking back down at her work.
She's definitely not going to make this easy for me, is she?
"Look, Jane… you know I'm not good at this shit," I admit, frowning slightly and wanting nothing more than to jump into one of the holes that she's created. "And I know that I fucked up huge, but could you please just hear me out? Just for a little bit, and then I promise you can go back to grave digging."
Seeing as how she doesn't have much choice, Jane puts the shovel into the ground and looks over at me; her face expecting me to continue as she wipes her gloves onto her jeans. I've really fucked up this time around.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, lowering my head a little bit in shame. "What you did took guts, and I definitely shouldn't have reacted that way. It's just that… I got scared! I was afraid of what this could mean for us, and what could happen if we were to get together. I like you… a lot, actually… and I'd love for us to be together and all, but… I panicked because I thought that I'd lose you. If I let myself get that close to you, and somehow you got killed, I'd… I'd die! I wouldn't be able to handle losing another person that I care about!"
Jane's eyes soften a little bit, and she seems a little bit more relaxed, but she continues to remain silent. I inwardly groan as I'm forced to continue blurting out my feelings – this sucks!
"But then I realized something afterwards… when I'm with you, I… I can't think straight. As damn cheesy as it sounds, it feels wrong without you in my life. I can't imagine it without you anymore," I confess, growing slightly warm inside as I talk way more than I usually do. "I don't want to lose you… but being around you is driving me nuts and I want to be with you SO badly! I'm sorry that I can be so thick and such an idiot sometimes, but – "
"Lilly."
Silencing myself, I look up into Jane's eyes and instantly my breath gets caught in my throat. I'm seeing this woman in an entirely new light, and it's making me dizzy. If it's that or just me being lightheaded from the wound… who cares? As long as Jane's around, we'll be safe. We'll watch each other's backs.
"Yeah?"
"Shut up," she orders, surprising me as I widen my eyes in shock. "You're talking way too much."
With that, she closes the gap between us, and I happily close my eyes as my entire body melts into a soft, wonderful kiss. It's fucking mind-blowing how this woman can manipulate me so easily by doing so little, but I'm loving every second of it. I deepen the kiss as I wrap a hand around her shoulder; moaning as I feel her fingers glide angelically through my hair.
Holy shit… is this what love is supposed to feel like? Because if it is, then god damn is it ever perfect…
Sadly, we both have to break away for air, but I lean my forehead against hers as I bask in the glory that is Jane. If you want to call me bi now or a lesbian, then go right the fuck ahead. I'll be over here enjoying my time with this amazing woman while you figure out the trivialities.
"You don't know… how long I've wanted to tell you that…" I whisper, smirking as she chuckles lightly. "I'm so sorry, Jane."
"Don't – you don't need to apologize to me," she orders, caressing the side of my cheek with her three-fingered hand. "Just… if you're going to slap me, can I at least get a warning next time?"
"Deal," I laugh, giving her a quick peck on the lips as I back up slightly. This is magic, pure and simple. I've never felt this way with anyone else, and I've had my share of boyfriends in the past. None of them mean as much to me as this woman by my side, right here.
However, my paranoia starts to kick in once again, as I think of all of the horrible things that could go wrong. Like I told her before, losing Jane would break me the same as losing Clementine for a second time. I'm not so sure that I could handle another rupture like that.
Instead of repeating myself in that sense, however, I sigh as I lightly graze the bandage wrapped around my head. Jane frowns as I do so.
"How bad did it look? Be honest with me, Jane," I tell her, watching as she bites her lip.
"Most of the cartilage is gone, and there wasn't a whole lot left over," she tells me truthfully, though seemingly not swayed by this. "You're going to pull through this, Lilly. Like you always do."
"I'm not so sure about that this time," I sigh, wanting to just curl up in a ball and hide for a little while. "You sure about this, Jane? Are you sure that you wanna be with a one-eared freak like me?"
Smirking goofily while waving her slightly mutilated hand around, I sigh in contentment as she wraps her arms around my shoulders and plants a soft kiss on my forehead.
"If that's what you think you are," she whispers, causing me to hold on tight to her and never let go, "then we'll be a couple of messed up fucks together."