11. The Fatass has Your Spaceship

Stan was thankful that his parents were away and Shelly had gone to school early. The only way this morning could be an even bigger disaster was if this Doctor asshole was poking around his house with his parents around.

"Dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Is this... TARDIS thing... Your box?" Stan asked, standing in the middle of his living room motionless. It was still early morning, and Stan was never a morning person. While he had enough adrenaline running from hearing about the demise of Al Gore, he didn't want to deal with this crazy man right now.

The Doctor turned around and made a mimicking face towards Stan, repeating his words.

"Is the TARDIS my box... You know it's my box!" The Doctor pulled out the green flashlight device again. Stan had seen it at the diner the night before, but had ignored it. As he pointed it around the room, Stan debated whether or not asking what it was. But before he could decide to speak, the Doctor had more questions.

"So where is it? Your Transmat?" The Doctor turned to face Stan, pointing the green light right at him threateningly. Or at least, trying to be threatening. Since Stan had no idea what it was, he didn't feel threatened by it at all.

"Trans-what? I thought you wanted a TARDIS or whatever."

The Doctor threw his arms up in the air, shutting off the green light. His hands came to rest on his hips.

"You Transmatted my TARDIS, that's the only way it's possible. And I know it was a Transmat and one of you because of this!" The Doctor threw a billfold at Stan, who instinctively caught it. "Go on, read it!"

Stan opened the black billfold and saw a blank piece of paper behind a plastic sleeve.

"What, it's just a piece of paper dude. It's blank."

"It's not blank," the Doctor said, turning away and continuing his waving of the green flashlight thing. "It's Psychic Paper. It shows whatever you want the person to see. Sometimes I use it as ID, but in this case, there's a message on it."

Stan looked at it again, but it was still blank. "You're batshit crazy."

The Doctor turned around to face Stan again, rolling his eyes while his heels rolled. "You just have to believe it's real. When people see an ID there, it's because they believe they're going to see an ID. You have to believe you're going to see a message, then you'll see it."

"The fuck are you..." before Stan could finish the sentence, he saw the message. It was scribbled onto the paper.

The message said, "Boy has TARDIS. Transmatted to planet. Help!"

"Whoa!" Stand said, dropping the billfold onto the ground and stepping away from it. The Doctor merely raised an eyebrow at this. After a few seconds, he spoke, softer and less accusing.

"You really didn't take the TARDIS did you?" Stan looked up from the billfold to stare at the Doctor, who had taken a step closer to Stan, and he was now leaning into Stan's face slightly. "You don't know what I'm talking about at all. That psychic paper alone was enough to startle you. You couldn't handle a Transmat or a TARDIS." Stan's gaze fell back onto the billfold. However, his attention was broken when the door opened again. A friendlier sight walked into the room: Kyle.

Kyle took a step into the house, closing the door behind him without looking. His voice was soft, but confident.

"Where are you from?" Kyle asked.

"What?" was all the Doctor could manage to say. Partly because the Doctor was still suspicious of anyone who wasn't Stan. Partly because Stan himself didn't let the Doctor say anything else.

"Kyle, you have to look at this... psychic paper thing. It's crazy."

"Not now Stan," Kyle had taken his gaze to Stan for a brief moment, before turning back to the Doctor. "You're an alien aren't you?"

Stan would normally have scoffed, but at this point, shit was seeming freaky enough that maybe the extraordinary was possible. The Doctor stood up straight, looked down at the child in the green hat, and responded flatly.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"And that box, it's your spaceship,"

"It's my TARDIS. It's more than just a spaceship..."

"Yeah, I know. It also travels through time." Kyle had everyone's attention. The Doctor tilted his head slightly, digesting what the boy had figured out. Stan was just staring at Kyle, letting his best friend reveal what he knew, or thought he knew. Stan wasn't exactly ready to believe this yet. The Doctor took a small step towards the boy and began speaking, his eyes darting, still obviously thinking things through in his head.

"How could you possibly know that? Unless... Unless you're the one that stole it!" The Doctor lunged forward towards Kyle slightly, but Kyle didn't move, which made the Doctor stop his lunge, and study him even more intently.

"I didn't take it, but I have a good guess as to who did," The Doctor stood motionless, waiting for the boy to finish. "His name is Eric Cartman. He's a fatass, and it's exactly the kind of shit he'd do."

The Doctor looked around before asking hesitantly, "Why?"

"Because he's an asshole. If he found a spaceship, he'd steal it and set the world on fire or kill all the jews or something. That's just how he is. He's a fucking dick. He'd exterminate a person, a jew like me, without a thought. And now he can."

At the word exterminate, the Doctor stumble a step backwards. "Why? Why did you say the word exterminate?"

"Huh? I... I dunno! The words aren't important. The fatass has your spaceship," despite the profanity Kyle continued using, his voice was entirely calm, as if 'fatass' and 'dick' were facts, not opinions.

"Kyle... how do you know this? HOw did you even know he was here?" Stan's voice came from the other side of the room. The Doctor had forgotten all about Stan there.

"You didn't hang up your phone after you talked to me, I heard him here," Kyle said, explaining the last question first. "And think about it Stan. Remember his trick, about, 'who is the President?'" Kyle asked, as Stan nodded. "And we couldn't answer. Why couldn't we answer?" Stan shook his head, confused.

"It's because time is confused here," The Doctor softly interjected, and Kyle nodded in agreement.

"Time is all fucked up here Stan. And if time was fucked up, who would notice? Who would show up? No one going through normal time would, or could. It'd have to be someone who can travel through time. Thus, this retard," Kyle motioned his hands at the Doctor.

"Oi! Don't call me names! You might be clever, very clever, but you should be nice to your elders, and believe me, I'm quite an elder..."

Kyle tilted his head apologetically. "Sorry, maybe that was harsh dude..."

"It's okay Kevin, now what we need to figu.."

"My name's not Kevin you fucking asshole!"

AN: Sorry for the delay on updating the story. My Laptop died in March, which has pretty much devastated my day-to-day life. Among the things lost was the plot outline to this story. So I'm sort of reconstructing where I'm going with this. No dramatic changes, but I'm hoping I can tie everything up as neatly as I was in that outline. I really appreciate the reviews, most of which are just pleas for me to keep writing, which is really flattering, thanks! And I couldn't just ignore you guys, but I had to figure out where I was going!

More to come, hopefully soon!